A bit more angst
February 27th 2007 02:35
Right. Just gonna have a spew here - if you want quality reading, stop now. Do not proceed. Instead click on 'The problem with power' (yes, that is a shameless plug, it was an important post!) because this is not inspired, this is rambling bullshit.
So many people have written on time, and Im suffering major time warps here. I believe that I get up at six, (despite never being a morning person) yet I still dont make it to the stables until nearly 8am. I have a few time burglers...The three cats, the sweet Najara, and my mum, who assaults me on the way out everyday - "can you do the ducks? By the way...." Enter a ramble worthy of someone senile, though at a sharp witted sixty, shes surely not! And she wonders why I say we MUST have a granny flat next time we move! Our acceptance of this place was a little...Hurried.
So - Down to the stables at about 8. Feed the five, change magnus' rugs, work magnus, work zayf, do feeds for the next day, sweep shed, clean boxes, fix whatever part of the fence has disintegrated during the night, and open up the little yard. Feed and give clean water to ducks. Back inside, let Najara out, feed Najara. Clean kitchen, tidy loungeroom, open house just enough to air animal smell but not so wide we bake in this godforsaken desert heat! Workout. Not negotiable. Breakfast and coffee now so long as there is no disaster. Read, Blog, comment. By the time thats finished stable work is calling again - All five horses they have a gripe they need to take up with the manager. If Im lucky, I can get the arvo chores done in time to watch neighbors, one of my very few guilty pleasures. By then Im also cooking dinner, feeding cats, and Najara.
All day I seem to rush, trying to cut a minute here or there to give MYSELF more time. These tiny time warps only remind me of the great big one.
Once, in suburbia, I did nothing but read, write and paint. I only rode on the weekends and someone else was paid to do the grunt work. Now I love my animals, I love my property and I love being its centre of gravity, but I really, really, miss the old me. I love the night and utterly despise the daytime - I have such contempt for that arsehole named the 'Sun' you all seem to worship. He saps my strength, makes me hot and sleepy. Unfortunately, horses work on his cycle, so working them at midnight would probably be traumatic - for them! I miss the long, long nights, the inspiration that would strike me only at those magical times. I miss having real ENERGY, instead of this constant burn of, "push on!" desperate for sleep at all times of day. If only we could move to a property that wasnt falling apart - a good part of my day is damage control.
I got a new set of Tarot cards for christmas that Im desperate to use. My book of Shadows hasnt been touched for over a year, and my novels are waiting impatiently to be touched. All I have time for is the odd speed poetry, a medium Ive always hated. Sometimes I manage the odd sketch, but painting? Whats that? I used to love the ritual of setting up - paints, water, brushes, newspaper, masking tape...all the while thinking of what I was to paint. Now I get out the brushes and "fence down!" "horse out!" "feed so and so!" rings out. No time, no time!
And the worst, the absolute worst thing? That when I was being teased at school, I used to think - If I could just lose weight, they couldnt tease me. If I could just be gorgeous, they would be intimidated by me, not the other way around. Well, I am thin now. All those bullys do not even RECOGNISE me now. But my brain has gone. I have biceps like a bloke and lift 40kg over my head without breaking a sweat. I can take on my colt and a brown snake at the same time. I can fix a fence in pouring rain and flood. I know how to set up and electric fence flawlessly. I can run a kilometre, I can keep up with the horse even in the deep sand.
But as these muscles grow my brain shrinks. I am without the time and stimulation to cultivate my old intelligence, and Im sure youve all noticed, I cant even spell anymore. It used to just be natural, as natural as breathing, now I actually sit and go - how does that go? I see my spelling mistakes and hate myself. I miss school, I loved school, oh, Goddess, let me go back to school! Where I had entire novels memorized along with my theories to ace every exam.
I told you this was nothing but a waste of space.
So many people have written on time, and Im suffering major time warps here. I believe that I get up at six, (despite never being a morning person) yet I still dont make it to the stables until nearly 8am. I have a few time burglers...The three cats, the sweet Najara, and my mum, who assaults me on the way out everyday - "can you do the ducks? By the way...." Enter a ramble worthy of someone senile, though at a sharp witted sixty, shes surely not! And she wonders why I say we MUST have a granny flat next time we move! Our acceptance of this place was a little...Hurried.
So - Down to the stables at about 8. Feed the five, change magnus' rugs, work magnus, work zayf, do feeds for the next day, sweep shed, clean boxes, fix whatever part of the fence has disintegrated during the night, and open up the little yard. Feed and give clean water to ducks. Back inside, let Najara out, feed Najara. Clean kitchen, tidy loungeroom, open house just enough to air animal smell but not so wide we bake in this godforsaken desert heat! Workout. Not negotiable. Breakfast and coffee now so long as there is no disaster. Read, Blog, comment. By the time thats finished stable work is calling again - All five horses they have a gripe they need to take up with the manager. If Im lucky, I can get the arvo chores done in time to watch neighbors, one of my very few guilty pleasures. By then Im also cooking dinner, feeding cats, and Najara.
All day I seem to rush, trying to cut a minute here or there to give MYSELF more time. These tiny time warps only remind me of the great big one.
Once, in suburbia, I did nothing but read, write and paint. I only rode on the weekends and someone else was paid to do the grunt work. Now I love my animals, I love my property and I love being its centre of gravity, but I really, really, miss the old me. I love the night and utterly despise the daytime - I have such contempt for that arsehole named the 'Sun' you all seem to worship. He saps my strength, makes me hot and sleepy. Unfortunately, horses work on his cycle, so working them at midnight would probably be traumatic - for them! I miss the long, long nights, the inspiration that would strike me only at those magical times. I miss having real ENERGY, instead of this constant burn of, "push on!" desperate for sleep at all times of day. If only we could move to a property that wasnt falling apart - a good part of my day is damage control.
I got a new set of Tarot cards for christmas that Im desperate to use. My book of Shadows hasnt been touched for over a year, and my novels are waiting impatiently to be touched. All I have time for is the odd speed poetry, a medium Ive always hated. Sometimes I manage the odd sketch, but painting? Whats that? I used to love the ritual of setting up - paints, water, brushes, newspaper, masking tape...all the while thinking of what I was to paint. Now I get out the brushes and "fence down!" "horse out!" "feed so and so!" rings out. No time, no time!
And the worst, the absolute worst thing? That when I was being teased at school, I used to think - If I could just lose weight, they couldnt tease me. If I could just be gorgeous, they would be intimidated by me, not the other way around. Well, I am thin now. All those bullys do not even RECOGNISE me now. But my brain has gone. I have biceps like a bloke and lift 40kg over my head without breaking a sweat. I can take on my colt and a brown snake at the same time. I can fix a fence in pouring rain and flood. I know how to set up and electric fence flawlessly. I can run a kilometre, I can keep up with the horse even in the deep sand.
But as these muscles grow my brain shrinks. I am without the time and stimulation to cultivate my old intelligence, and Im sure youve all noticed, I cant even spell anymore. It used to just be natural, as natural as breathing, now I actually sit and go - how does that go? I see my spelling mistakes and hate myself. I miss school, I loved school, oh, Goddess, let me go back to school! Where I had entire novels memorized along with my theories to ace every exam.
I told you this was nothing but a waste of space.
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Comment by Wendi
There are options and alternatives, ways to open space and time. Your job, and a challenging one at that, is to find those options!
Ask the horses. Consult the cats. Deliberate with a duck. They may just have the answers you're looking for. *grins*
W
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
But, you are right, the only challenge is to make it work for me, a challenge Im surely up for.
As to what the animals say?
Xiara - (while weaving a spell of utter tingling peace) "Come back to bed mommy...Wouldnt you just love to lie down and put your arms around me?"
Sampson&Rowdy - (brothers from the same litter, often of a single mind) "more bikkis? Im sure you said something about food"
Gwyn&Talli - (the black ducks) "If you dont have lettuce, get out. You could clean the pond if youre bored..."
Poshe - (the wood duck) "May I please have a boyfriend? Any friend? Well, clean the pond then!"
Magnus - "Play with me, brush me, work me, just stand here and love me! Is my box clean with new bedding? Are my rugs washed? My hooves are a little dirty, I could use a bath you know, the Auzzies are in two weeks, Ive got to be gleaming...Hey! Where are you going! Im not done with you!"
Zayfir - "Why am I tingling between the legs? You control everything - MAKE IT STOP!! It makes me want to bite and kick and run! Oh, get in here and fight me you wuss!"
Shakir&Spirit - "What do you want? Got treats? No? See ya"
Teshan - "Im so innocent, Ive been such a good girl - surely I deserve a feed. You could open my gate and let me out you know - I wont go anywhere. Please?"
Najara - "what did you say? More food?"
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
When you find the answer can you please let me know too
I enjoyed your writing here...I love rambles...they are just so honest and sincere....wouldn`t it be nice to be at school again?? ahhhhhhhh
ash
Comment by Wendi