A word on the way things are, compared to the way things were
January 10th 2008 09:43
Im sitting here,
In front of MY laptop, set up to MY internet account, with MY modum. I have a half filled pack of Winfield Blue and a good lighter in easy reach of my left hand. I have Momma Janes big, ornate metal ashtray within reach. My own private playlist (which is still not complete at 180 songs) is blaring from MY laptop, and that playlist is also downloaded to MY ipod.
Over at the couch, bout a metre away, I have another half packet of Winfiel Blue(awesome, so I dont have to carry my packet anywhere) my bags packed (smokes included) for tomorrow, full with bottled coffee (handmade by me) Up and Go for the time poor, and Ive got boots to wear that dont leak, and a shirt with no holes in it.
For dinner, Ive got a choice - the fridges and freezers have been packed full for weeks, as have the cupboards. If Id like a drink we have beer, brandy, wine, baileys and sherry.
This is the careful accumulation of supplies by people who have been, for the most part, poor, with the influence of one person who's always been rich, my darling Kman.
I have to mention him here, because none of this - NONE of this, INCLUDING ME, (Or should that be especially me) would be here without him. Hes so gorgeous its a crime, hes so sweet he could be jelly and cream. Hes my man, and hes saved my life, hes saved my soul, hes saved my sanity, and hes saved my dreams, by proving to me that even if its not exactly how you imagined it, The Prince CAN come........
He stopped me from committing suicide. He helped counsel me back into the working world. He supports my every desicion financially and emotionally, with minimal discussion. He tries so very hard to listen to me, as I speak so fast. Even if he still forgets to pick up after himself, I usually let it go - I mean hey, he puts up with ME!
He can converse on any subject Im familiar with, and hes interested in the ones Im familiar with that he isnt. In the same way, I find his strong subjects fascinating to listen to. We can always agree to disagree, find middle ground, and we always end up having a ball getting there. Wether laughing or screaming, we're still loving, and may call a truce in a fight for some in between passion.
And he taught me intimacy - he taught me the meaning of love, that it really is, just as wonderful as I imagined it, except that its even better - That the special feeling I had when I first looked at him actually never goes away - Like I still get that same excited kick, as if something might have changed since I last saw him and now I'll have to redo my map all over again....But Im sure it wont be a chore. The same excitement as the first time I put my arms around him - its there today, right now, just sitting next to him, and knowing hes there and he LOVES me.....
Whatever I am. Where ever I am.
So, now, flashback -
Id like to say this time last year....2007 but I was applying for so many jobs then, Im mixed up as to the living situation. I'll take you back further, to when I started this blog.
I was not working. I was trying hard to get my own business started, but we needed money, and fast. Each day, I count down every cigarette I had - Kman would give me some papers, some filters, and some tobacco. I could usually salvage a bit more from the ashtrays. Our shopping had to come in at $100 and only $100 per week. No extras.
Every night we'd be eating the same kinds of foods cooked different ways, I was burning all sorts of interesting things in the winter to keep the fire going. I worked the horses every day.
I wanted to blog - he still wanted to play Warcraft. The fights were savage. The blog almost broke us up! Or maybe warcraft did....But neither was an expense we could afford. In spite of each other, we did it more. Getting sneaky about it. We fought more.
We were slowly spinning down a well into a financial mess.
We were slowly forgetting what we were to each other - that the most savage nature of ourselves was what we loved in the other - but not when used on each other! We each had never met a human being as savage and brutal (yet so civilised and intelligent) as the other. That was the fascination. That became the sword we drove between us.
Something of each held on. Something of each fought for that middle ground, fighting to find it, pushing, pulling, stomping, we would not let the other (or ourselves) walk away.
Somehow, it was Kman who encouraged me into my first small roles - extending upon skills Id learned in other jobs in new ways. Somehow, we have twisted around from that place of fights and strung tension to this.
Of course, now the tension is from mum.....Now that I have my own money, my own say in things, she ALWAYS dislikes my desicion, wether its wrong or right, as if its a matter of principle.
In a way, theres chaos. I'll be up at 4am again tomorrow, and sometimes I think Id trade all of this just for one of those precious wintery days there - the slow waking, the icy wind, putting my own horses out and feeding, cleaning boxes, rugging, before back to the house to blog and straighten up. Then more, relaxed working of the horses in the afternoon, and my leisurely wood collection in the evening.
Rather than a day that flies by so fast I barely know it happened major events - like getting on the horses - that would have been awhole days blogging are now not even mentioned.
(For those interested I rode Shakir and Magnus yesterday, Spirit today and worked Zayfir. Wist has to have a daily cuddle along with Pidge, Talli wants Wist to figure out how to breed her, Najara is on my shoulder and the cats areall still fighting)
But the luxuries and comforts are such good things, they will help us now move on to a place where we might have those days forever - if we stick to our guns and pull this wagon a little harder, we might just be able to make each others dreams come true!
And I couldnt have done any of it, not a single thing, without my darling Kman.
In front of MY laptop, set up to MY internet account, with MY modum. I have a half filled pack of Winfield Blue and a good lighter in easy reach of my left hand. I have Momma Janes big, ornate metal ashtray within reach. My own private playlist (which is still not complete at 180 songs) is blaring from MY laptop, and that playlist is also downloaded to MY ipod.
Over at the couch, bout a metre away, I have another half packet of Winfiel Blue(awesome, so I dont have to carry my packet anywhere) my bags packed (smokes included) for tomorrow, full with bottled coffee (handmade by me) Up and Go for the time poor, and Ive got boots to wear that dont leak, and a shirt with no holes in it.
For dinner, Ive got a choice - the fridges and freezers have been packed full for weeks, as have the cupboards. If Id like a drink we have beer, brandy, wine, baileys and sherry.
This is the careful accumulation of supplies by people who have been, for the most part, poor, with the influence of one person who's always been rich, my darling Kman.
I have to mention him here, because none of this - NONE of this, INCLUDING ME, (Or should that be especially me) would be here without him. Hes so gorgeous its a crime, hes so sweet he could be jelly and cream. Hes my man, and hes saved my life, hes saved my soul, hes saved my sanity, and hes saved my dreams, by proving to me that even if its not exactly how you imagined it, The Prince CAN come........
He stopped me from committing suicide. He helped counsel me back into the working world. He supports my every desicion financially and emotionally, with minimal discussion. He tries so very hard to listen to me, as I speak so fast. Even if he still forgets to pick up after himself, I usually let it go - I mean hey, he puts up with ME!
He can converse on any subject Im familiar with, and hes interested in the ones Im familiar with that he isnt. In the same way, I find his strong subjects fascinating to listen to. We can always agree to disagree, find middle ground, and we always end up having a ball getting there. Wether laughing or screaming, we're still loving, and may call a truce in a fight for some in between passion.
And he taught me intimacy - he taught me the meaning of love, that it really is, just as wonderful as I imagined it, except that its even better - That the special feeling I had when I first looked at him actually never goes away - Like I still get that same excited kick, as if something might have changed since I last saw him and now I'll have to redo my map all over again....But Im sure it wont be a chore. The same excitement as the first time I put my arms around him - its there today, right now, just sitting next to him, and knowing hes there and he LOVES me.....
Whatever I am. Where ever I am.
So, now, flashback -
Id like to say this time last year....2007 but I was applying for so many jobs then, Im mixed up as to the living situation. I'll take you back further, to when I started this blog.
I was not working. I was trying hard to get my own business started, but we needed money, and fast. Each day, I count down every cigarette I had - Kman would give me some papers, some filters, and some tobacco. I could usually salvage a bit more from the ashtrays. Our shopping had to come in at $100 and only $100 per week. No extras.
Every night we'd be eating the same kinds of foods cooked different ways, I was burning all sorts of interesting things in the winter to keep the fire going. I worked the horses every day.
I wanted to blog - he still wanted to play Warcraft. The fights were savage. The blog almost broke us up! Or maybe warcraft did....But neither was an expense we could afford. In spite of each other, we did it more. Getting sneaky about it. We fought more.
We were slowly spinning down a well into a financial mess.
We were slowly forgetting what we were to each other - that the most savage nature of ourselves was what we loved in the other - but not when used on each other! We each had never met a human being as savage and brutal (yet so civilised and intelligent) as the other. That was the fascination. That became the sword we drove between us.
Something of each held on. Something of each fought for that middle ground, fighting to find it, pushing, pulling, stomping, we would not let the other (or ourselves) walk away.
Somehow, it was Kman who encouraged me into my first small roles - extending upon skills Id learned in other jobs in new ways. Somehow, we have twisted around from that place of fights and strung tension to this.
Of course, now the tension is from mum.....Now that I have my own money, my own say in things, she ALWAYS dislikes my desicion, wether its wrong or right, as if its a matter of principle.
In a way, theres chaos. I'll be up at 4am again tomorrow, and sometimes I think Id trade all of this just for one of those precious wintery days there - the slow waking, the icy wind, putting my own horses out and feeding, cleaning boxes, rugging, before back to the house to blog and straighten up. Then more, relaxed working of the horses in the afternoon, and my leisurely wood collection in the evening.
Rather than a day that flies by so fast I barely know it happened major events - like getting on the horses - that would have been awhole days blogging are now not even mentioned.
(For those interested I rode Shakir and Magnus yesterday, Spirit today and worked Zayfir. Wist has to have a daily cuddle along with Pidge, Talli wants Wist to figure out how to breed her, Najara is on my shoulder and the cats areall still fighting)
But the luxuries and comforts are such good things, they will help us now move on to a place where we might have those days forever - if we stick to our guns and pull this wagon a little harder, we might just be able to make each others dreams come true!
And I couldnt have done any of it, not a single thing, without my darling Kman.
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Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
I'm glad to hear that you're in a good place at the moment and that you're looking to a future of possibilities.
You know, if there was just an extra 5 or 6 hours in a day, I'd be able to fit in all the things I need to fit into every day!!!
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
awww what a heart warming post! Kman sounds like a real diamond in the rough - hang on to him, they don`t seem to exist much anymore.
I love that about you, the extremes of your emotional scale. You have such a broad range of emotions and fully exercise each one, keeping the rest on their toes. Not many people are that in touch with their emotions - fantastic!
Best wishes to you both my friend, may the happiness star continue to shine brightly above you.
Ash
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Even when I was home all day I still managed to create plenty of chaos to occupy myself....One of my greatest problems with working is that I have found activities with which to work my entire body and brain, and once 8 to 12 hours of my day is gone to the job, I cant do it all. Poetry analysis, quotes, stretching my brain...All thats gone down the drain, not to mention my painting and sketching. It hurts, but Im striving to make it better.
Kylie,
Hey darl! YES, another 5 to 6 hours would be just what I need! Then the day might just be perfect.
But Im sure if we got the hours, theyd try to make us work them.
Darling Ash,
Dont be fooled - he was a typical, self absorbed and immature male at first! I just knew I saw potential, something different to the losers Id been hanging out with. I thought, "This boy will grow into a great man," Lucky, I was right!
I sure am a person of extremes, all or nothing, anger love, the lot, God, if you dont LIVE it, and EXPERIENCE it, every second, then whats the point in living? The great thing about emotions is they flow so fast, you can experience so much in five minutes! The problem is it takes people awhile to get used to it - just because Im happy now doesnt mean I will be in half an hour, but if Im angry, its usually over in 5 minutes.
Happy? Yeah, but Ive still got some conflict. No matter what though, I thank anyone whos listening for Kman every day, and I thought it was about time I mentioned him here.