An Impossible Dream
October 10th 2007 12:55
Ive had quite a few impossible dreams. To attempt to realize each and every one would have been utter madness, yet still they lived on and demanded to be worshipped. Theyve driven me so hard, and theres a quote from 'Lisey's Story' that sums it up beautifully....How our dreams whip us....With lovely whips.
Ive changed much. Ive become incredibly practical. The one dream thats never died in me is money. Somehow I feel its coming, that I deserve it. This dream has come from years of financial hardship, in other words an utter breath stealing terror - How is my family to be fed? Sheltered? Clothed? No matter how old I get these questions are always there, the pressure is never released. And pressure is the worst pain of all.
Another aspect of money is power. Oh, of course I have lovely dreams - helping others realize their dreams, setting up lovely charity programs to utilize the skills of street kids, animal rescue units. Man, my money dream had it all. Plus a corvette for my personal use, a maid, a body gaurd, a full time driver and my face on at least a few magazine covers.
Im not a fool. I dont plan on being famous just for being rich. If my extensive charity work, horse training and showing and brilliant novels didnt do it, I had another idea, one truly unique - the Horse Dance.
Tonight I was going to go into great depth and detail on the Horse Dance. A few years ago in Sydney we had 'Cavalcade - Reins of fire' which was on the right track and utterly remarkable - even if most of the Sydney siders walked out in the final acts.
But let me paint for you now a different picture....
The motive behind each and every dream was an incredibly simple one. Freedom. Not freedom from the balance or the Gods - Freedom from this utterly ridiculous society and the restrictions it imposes on the human soul. Freedom from this tight claw slowly squeezing the humanity and will to live out of each and every one of us. And, in gaining my own freedom, I hoped to help others free themselves as well.
A few years ago, I stumbled on a piece of land on a real estate website. It was 400 acres, nothng but a corrugated iron shed on it, power and water and phone lines available but disconnected. Heres the kicker - $150,000. It was right on the border of the Snowy mountains, a place I consider a home, just one Ive never lived in. Even better, the price had been reduced 6 months ago - the place had been there for a year.
We actually spoke to the real estate agent, made plans to check it out. I remember my mind racing with possibilities. It got sold the day before we were due to meet with the accountant. I considered myself so cheated.
Today, on smoke break, Kman told me with much excitement he'd found a piece of land. 100 acres to be exact, and it was barely $90,000. No house, no nothing connected, but all amenities were available. We discussed the nightmare of buying then building - all sorts of things, until Kman giggled, "You'd live there in a tent, wouldnt you K?"
I could not hold back my hysterical laughter. "TENT baby? Id build you an old fashioned log and bark cabin!" And he said, thats why he loved me - 99.9% of women would simply say no way, no how. He would not have believed what I was thinking.
My brain is an unbelievable thing. I can accept the fact that this place is a complete fantasy, and yet think about it all day as if it were real. The transition within me happened so fast - No more computer or TV, no DVD or CD. No fast food, no pre packaged single serve friends.....
Howling and whispering of wind as it screams over my mountains. Pounding of hoofbeats. Cutting in my hands as I bind horsehair around sheepskin to make boots. Pulling in my shoulders as I draw a bow. Just like that, Id kissed the 'Real World' goodbye, and given it all up for a different kind of freedom....A perfect kind of freedom.
It was when I was thinking of all this - of galloping bareback across the plains on Shakir in my handmade boots and tunic with bow in hand - that I realized, if I had all of that, and someone offered me a million dollars, I wouldnt have the slightest idea what to do with it. I wouldnt want it. I wouldnt want the ancient woman in me, who would be so happy, to have to battle with the spoiled child in me, who would beg for limos and silk sheets and conveniance. Beg for the promise to be fulfilled, the ultimate comfort given. For the ancient woman would give it, unto our total destruction.
It was when I mentioned it to mum at feed time that I saw first hand the energy that destroyed our last chance of escape.
Oh - She was excited, dont get me wrong. She started off utterly agreeing with the tent thing.
Then she thought. I could hear it! But I like prescription drugs....Landlines...Ciggis that come in packets.....
She said to me - But you cannot live off the land. It would be impossible to live entirely off the land.
Patiently I explained - the place has a dam of it own, most likely a creek too, if it has mountains and valleys(which it does) It is fully fenced, very rare, and the hunting would be awesome. Take with you a minimum of a male and female sheep, perhaps an alpaca and some chickens, and your set. Im already thinking methodically and carefully about the slaughter of my own animals - skinning, gutting and draining, and how after 6 months of kissing the beast on the nose to thank it for its sacrifice a well stocked supermarket may well make me vomit. Im thinking of my own veggies and herb crops - of nothing but LIVING day after day.
Imagine it. Actually living. Isnt that a novel idea?
I said it to mum and Kman - I would much rather wake up every day and deal with the hard issues of living from the earth, all that it requires, than get up every day to work in an office where the air is recycled. It would not be hard to rise with the sun and the rooster - to collect eggs, buckets of water, to spin wool, tan hides.....Ive got the most fantastic idea for making boots....
Grandad is here. Grandad is being quite loud. He told me - its all just tiny details. He will make it happen - he will grab it for me. He grew up near where this property is located, we still have family there. He tells me all I have to do is be ready to jump.
I can be. I will be full of fear no doubt but I will jump when he bids. The question is, will everyone else? Will they jump too or will they leave me hanging in midair, to fall, to bruise, to have the breath blasted out of me by betrayal yet again?
I hear him working on mum.....His beloved daughter. " Come on Mard - think about it. You wont need those drugs anymore, or those doctors when youve got the healthy mountain air and some peace and quiet. It'll heal you - you can sit and spin and tend your alpacas every day. You dont want to go back to the horrible office do you?"
Kman is more excited than Ive ever seen him. I wasnt expecting it. I was expecting this to be a fleeting whim for him - he's a city boy, after all.
But works hurting him. A lot. This claw grip society has on us all affects even the toughest - even those with the greatest ability to bury their heads in the sand. A man who has never, EVER in his life lived without TV or a corner shop down the road is so excited about this he has actually spoken to the owner already! We are getting a brochure!
It was such a fervour I saw in him. A light such as Ive never seen. The newest product line at his factory is solar panels, solar generators and water tanks. Kmans having massive ideas.
This idea is not ridiculous. And I am being realistic. More realistic than you can possibly realize. This dream is perfect and simple and EASY - You just have to do one thing.
Drop all your expectations. Drop every single ridiculous lesson that this world has taught you. Food does not come in packages. Clothes do not magically appear on their hangers. You DON NOT have to get up too early every day to elbow through a bunch of people who do not want to be there either to go somewhere no one actually wants to go - its TV thats taught you that this life would be too hard, society that has taught you milk has to come in a bottle at an overmarked price.
Ive lived this way before - only for brief periods mind you - but Ive done it. It is more peaceful and fulfilling than you can imagine. Never knock it till youve tried it!
So, Im off. Im off to dream of Zayfir running with his ladies, the rest of the herd pounding up my mountains to race the winds - of my veggie gardens, hunting rabbitts, the calls of birds and peace, AH peace! I shall have you at last!
At least in the dreams...
Ive changed much. Ive become incredibly practical. The one dream thats never died in me is money. Somehow I feel its coming, that I deserve it. This dream has come from years of financial hardship, in other words an utter breath stealing terror - How is my family to be fed? Sheltered? Clothed? No matter how old I get these questions are always there, the pressure is never released. And pressure is the worst pain of all.
Another aspect of money is power. Oh, of course I have lovely dreams - helping others realize their dreams, setting up lovely charity programs to utilize the skills of street kids, animal rescue units. Man, my money dream had it all. Plus a corvette for my personal use, a maid, a body gaurd, a full time driver and my face on at least a few magazine covers.
Im not a fool. I dont plan on being famous just for being rich. If my extensive charity work, horse training and showing and brilliant novels didnt do it, I had another idea, one truly unique - the Horse Dance.
Tonight I was going to go into great depth and detail on the Horse Dance. A few years ago in Sydney we had 'Cavalcade - Reins of fire' which was on the right track and utterly remarkable - even if most of the Sydney siders walked out in the final acts.
But let me paint for you now a different picture....
The motive behind each and every dream was an incredibly simple one. Freedom. Not freedom from the balance or the Gods - Freedom from this utterly ridiculous society and the restrictions it imposes on the human soul. Freedom from this tight claw slowly squeezing the humanity and will to live out of each and every one of us. And, in gaining my own freedom, I hoped to help others free themselves as well.
A few years ago, I stumbled on a piece of land on a real estate website. It was 400 acres, nothng but a corrugated iron shed on it, power and water and phone lines available but disconnected. Heres the kicker - $150,000. It was right on the border of the Snowy mountains, a place I consider a home, just one Ive never lived in. Even better, the price had been reduced 6 months ago - the place had been there for a year.
We actually spoke to the real estate agent, made plans to check it out. I remember my mind racing with possibilities. It got sold the day before we were due to meet with the accountant. I considered myself so cheated.
Today, on smoke break, Kman told me with much excitement he'd found a piece of land. 100 acres to be exact, and it was barely $90,000. No house, no nothing connected, but all amenities were available. We discussed the nightmare of buying then building - all sorts of things, until Kman giggled, "You'd live there in a tent, wouldnt you K?"
I could not hold back my hysterical laughter. "TENT baby? Id build you an old fashioned log and bark cabin!" And he said, thats why he loved me - 99.9% of women would simply say no way, no how. He would not have believed what I was thinking.
My brain is an unbelievable thing. I can accept the fact that this place is a complete fantasy, and yet think about it all day as if it were real. The transition within me happened so fast - No more computer or TV, no DVD or CD. No fast food, no pre packaged single serve friends.....
Howling and whispering of wind as it screams over my mountains. Pounding of hoofbeats. Cutting in my hands as I bind horsehair around sheepskin to make boots. Pulling in my shoulders as I draw a bow. Just like that, Id kissed the 'Real World' goodbye, and given it all up for a different kind of freedom....A perfect kind of freedom.
It was when I was thinking of all this - of galloping bareback across the plains on Shakir in my handmade boots and tunic with bow in hand - that I realized, if I had all of that, and someone offered me a million dollars, I wouldnt have the slightest idea what to do with it. I wouldnt want it. I wouldnt want the ancient woman in me, who would be so happy, to have to battle with the spoiled child in me, who would beg for limos and silk sheets and conveniance. Beg for the promise to be fulfilled, the ultimate comfort given. For the ancient woman would give it, unto our total destruction.
It was when I mentioned it to mum at feed time that I saw first hand the energy that destroyed our last chance of escape.
Oh - She was excited, dont get me wrong. She started off utterly agreeing with the tent thing.
Then she thought. I could hear it! But I like prescription drugs....Landlines...Ciggis that come in packets.....
She said to me - But you cannot live off the land. It would be impossible to live entirely off the land.
Patiently I explained - the place has a dam of it own, most likely a creek too, if it has mountains and valleys(which it does) It is fully fenced, very rare, and the hunting would be awesome. Take with you a minimum of a male and female sheep, perhaps an alpaca and some chickens, and your set. Im already thinking methodically and carefully about the slaughter of my own animals - skinning, gutting and draining, and how after 6 months of kissing the beast on the nose to thank it for its sacrifice a well stocked supermarket may well make me vomit. Im thinking of my own veggies and herb crops - of nothing but LIVING day after day.
Imagine it. Actually living. Isnt that a novel idea?
I said it to mum and Kman - I would much rather wake up every day and deal with the hard issues of living from the earth, all that it requires, than get up every day to work in an office where the air is recycled. It would not be hard to rise with the sun and the rooster - to collect eggs, buckets of water, to spin wool, tan hides.....Ive got the most fantastic idea for making boots....
Grandad is here. Grandad is being quite loud. He told me - its all just tiny details. He will make it happen - he will grab it for me. He grew up near where this property is located, we still have family there. He tells me all I have to do is be ready to jump.
I can be. I will be full of fear no doubt but I will jump when he bids. The question is, will everyone else? Will they jump too or will they leave me hanging in midair, to fall, to bruise, to have the breath blasted out of me by betrayal yet again?
I hear him working on mum.....His beloved daughter. " Come on Mard - think about it. You wont need those drugs anymore, or those doctors when youve got the healthy mountain air and some peace and quiet. It'll heal you - you can sit and spin and tend your alpacas every day. You dont want to go back to the horrible office do you?"
Kman is more excited than Ive ever seen him. I wasnt expecting it. I was expecting this to be a fleeting whim for him - he's a city boy, after all.
But works hurting him. A lot. This claw grip society has on us all affects even the toughest - even those with the greatest ability to bury their heads in the sand. A man who has never, EVER in his life lived without TV or a corner shop down the road is so excited about this he has actually spoken to the owner already! We are getting a brochure!
It was such a fervour I saw in him. A light such as Ive never seen. The newest product line at his factory is solar panels, solar generators and water tanks. Kmans having massive ideas.
This idea is not ridiculous. And I am being realistic. More realistic than you can possibly realize. This dream is perfect and simple and EASY - You just have to do one thing.
Drop all your expectations. Drop every single ridiculous lesson that this world has taught you. Food does not come in packages. Clothes do not magically appear on their hangers. You DON NOT have to get up too early every day to elbow through a bunch of people who do not want to be there either to go somewhere no one actually wants to go - its TV thats taught you that this life would be too hard, society that has taught you milk has to come in a bottle at an overmarked price.
Ive lived this way before - only for brief periods mind you - but Ive done it. It is more peaceful and fulfilling than you can imagine. Never knock it till youve tried it!
So, Im off. Im off to dream of Zayfir running with his ladies, the rest of the herd pounding up my mountains to race the winds - of my veggie gardens, hunting rabbitts, the calls of birds and peace, AH peace! I shall have you at last!
At least in the dreams...
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Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
oh that sounds heavenly! Just be surrounded by nature and living a healthy and fulfilled life. You could write to your hearts content and I`m sure out there the inspiration would be an everflowing river.
I hope you manage to get this one going (although you will have to at least get a solar powered laptop or something to keep in touch.... or write letters!)
I can feel the excited energy bouncing off the screen with this one!
Ash
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I dont think kman could live without the laptop! So we would be in touch....But I love letters too so that would be cool.
Inspiration would be flowing in all kinds of ways and its firing my imagination believe me. We are going to inquire a little more.
You could always come too.....
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
You actually sound calm and clear in this post. In some posts you do seem to sound erratic, but not this one.
Maybe the land is for you....
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Funny that you can pick up on that....Im so tired lately, Im not going to stop writing even if it comes out funny.
But yeah...This idea is one that always brings me utter peace. Just kiss sealed roads and flashing lights goodbye! Find the true self and remember being human. Doesnt sound too hard to me!