Please see related posts to the left. Its nearly 2am, in a few hours I will have been awake and fuctioning at 110% for 24 hours. I dont think I can relate them so you'll just have to do it.

In Buffy season 4 episode 'Wild at Heart' Oz says to Willow,

"The wolf IS inside me, all the time.."

He's a werewolf right? and he's trying to work out the human/beast split.

I do a lot of that. I refer to my illness, the psychosis, as The Beast quite often, because the bastard is personal. Its a fight, constantly, with a many clawed being that roars and seeks to frighten me back to that state where all I ever did was its will.

But Id rather do my own.

And lately....I've felt everything Ive ever striven for coming to fruition. What Ive striven for isnt what most people do....Most people will strive for money or possesions or knowledge....Some sweet few strive to be good, know good. Very few worship the dark and invite it in, seek to know it.

Well me, Ive always wanted to be evil. The 'Release the hounds!" "Off with her head!" Kinda evil. Im a power hungry control freak, and with my fierce reasoning, I thought, why waste time just going for money or possesions? Strive for the top mate, the top. All else follows.

And thus it has come....But...

Ive realized....

The Beast is within me. Those times Im smiling, and acting, and using all my womanly whims to appear innocent, unassuming, cute even.....Its there. I looked up into a managers eyes the other day smiling sweetly and had to stop myself roaring with laughter....That he didnt know, never realized, couldnt see it.....

The Beast was roaring under my skin...Surging in my viens....Yes.... more power. Teach me, teach me this way......To work, manipulate, bend the will of others....Show me the path and watch me blaze it up with the passion and speed I take it.......

Its so real, at times, I feel like Im in some kind of horror movie, like I'll just reach up and rip off my face and there the ugliness will be....Sometimes I cant stand it, the deception, and whats left in me thats good and pure tries to weep. Its that little edge of tears that usually triggers a panic attack.

Who the fuck am I?

But this one, the lioness, she smothers that fast now, no no my dear, no time for your wussy bullshit now! We are SUCCEEDING here my love.....So shut your little face and get back in your cage. YOU are the part we DONT need. I am the part that WINS.

And I think to myself, if this bullshit about good and evil is true, gods going to be awfully upset with me. But Ive made a deal with the Devil now - I cant back out of it. That would be betrayal. Got to have some honour!

But honour to evil is betrayal. The devil doesnt just expect it - he needs it. It proves you are all he's groomed you to be, if you can even knife him between his leathery wings.

Dont worry. Even if it hurts him, he likes it.

Kman and I fought the other day. He said "If you dont learn to be nicer to me, I might up and leave you"

We've had this fight before....Yawn much? I dont censor myself in front of those I love - I have to paint on a mask elsewhere, but not here amoungst my own walls. Here I'm me.

And inwardly, I was laughing - Im more beautiful, confident and powerful than I've ever been! What fool would leave me now!

And calmly, with my trademark icy stare, I said to Kman, "I've put a lot - A LOT of work, years worth in fact, into becoming a monster. I'm almost there. Dont think Im going to stop now. Evil's a lot of work you know. And, unfortunately...Evil often hurts the ones it loves. It's its nature"

Ive chased the shadows since I realized that they were there, on the edges of the light. Im finally getting somewhere. If you say Im going to hell I'm not surprised - IF I get 'taken' anywhere thats exactly where I expected (and wanted) to go. Got a job to do you know. The devil needs me.

The dance is finally balanced, and theres more black in the grey than ever before.

And I love it....Oh so very much.

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