.......And Today
January 14th 2008 03:49
So I wake. So I must have been asleep. Its fairly painless. The radiating pain in my arms and legs has resolved to a faint, residual weakness.
Im overjoyed - the sky is overcast. There is the steady, relentless, constant sound of dripping water. Its so soft, not like rain, just a steady, never ending dripping. The air has become water. My imagination can feel how it tastes, this water/air, and I know how it feels outside. But Im not thinking of going outside, not yet. Im thinking of painkillers, as my period pain(that was only tickling yesterday, and slightly complicating matters) has swung into full force - back cramps and stomach cramps that suck the life from me. Im thinking of tea, toast, and Najara.
By the way, Id like to mention, when period pain hits hard, I like to call it 'pregancy preview'. The mood swings before it occurs, the weakness in your body, the feeling of lost control. All of this occurs pre labour. Then you get a spurt of energy, before you get the pain.
Sometimes, period pains mild. You can feel it, but its just there. Its just pain.
Sometimes, like this month for me, it seems determined to let you know exactly what labour will be like. With the ripping, breath stealing cramps that are coming now, I can directly visualize the exact dimensions of head and shoulders of an infant, and just how small and ill equipped my inner pathways are in dealing with such dimensions. I can feel every last nerve ending - all the way up and all the way down - screaming in agony as they stretch and push. If thats not enough, it doesnt end there. The excited struggling of those muscles gets all the other tubes in the vicinity worked up. It constantly feels like youve just gotta use the can, in every way, but it hurts to damn much. With all this going on it doesnt take long before your lower back is clenching and screaming too, as if it just cant be left out of this party.
You can actually feel each contraction stretching out to the point where it brings the breath ripping from your body and the blood draining from your face.
They say its fun to be a woman?
I go to let the ducks out, and the four boys are lined up along the back fence. Hmmm....Wheres Teshan? I often try to impress upon mum - if your smart, you can tell what the whole herd is doing if you see only one. I can see four - all acting out of character. With one last smile at Wistapew
Whos asking me to play with him I head out.
Theres a tree on a fence. Shit! Where is Teshan!?
If you have no imagination you are such a lucky person. You have no idea what goes through the minds of those that do in a situation like this. All of the worst - to prepare myself - flood through my mind. Teshan pinned under a tree, still alive. Teshan pinned under a tree, not alive. Her beautiful white coat striped with red and her long mane and tail dead as cobwebs. Teshan hung on a fence, Teshan with a leg snapped at a crazy angle.
Keeping my breath sighing in and out I put my boots on and race back down - There she is! Teshan! hiding in the trees with a coy look on her face. I hand out some hay so I can see them all and keep them out of my way while I deal with the tree. I like to call it a 'herdsnake' you'll see it anywhere people feed livestock by laying the food out in a line.
Notice Magnus in his brand new light blue and mulberry rainsheet, and Zayf in royal purple and lilac. My precious show boys!
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know the feedtruck is coming today. More hard work.
I go out - its only a small tree but I cant move the bastard. Its completely taken out my electric fence though by some small measure of mercy no lines are broken. It is hanging on pitbull guys shed, pulling on the barb wire. I contemplate leaving it but know I really cant - it could fall, it could cause more damage. FUCK.
With tired and shaking arms, bruised shoulders and disobediant legs I begin ripping off branches. It was obviously dead even if it does have sap and some greenery, so it comes apart easily and I thank all that there are some redeeming factors to life. I have to use the blockbuster(which, Ive only just realized, I left out there, somewhere.) for part of it, but I get the branches off, throw it off the fence with great difficulty(just call me Xena) walk the line, repair it. The picket should really be replaced, but fuck it.
I watch the front gate anxiously. The feed guy always gets me by surprise.
I get out my Jara, who quickly proceeds to the bathroom to play....Her favourite room
I think because she can talk to the birds feeding outside. She cant speak Mynah, but you know, she loves it.
I visit with Starbuck, the Pigeonous, Indigeonos
I check that Wistapew is settled on his cushion.
Gawd....Aint he cute? Notice the maginificent definition of the colours in his feathers - the many different browns(which is supposed to be a boring colour) that sculpt out the perfect curling shapes of his feathers. The dark edges of his black mask, and keen, friendly eyes. My Wistapew, my hatchling.
I check the kittys. I deal with a small rental crisis - despite my best efforts our number was not put on the order. Some people.....And now Im still watching the gate. Soon I'll have to ring mum and ask if the feeds actually been ordered.
Id just like to say.....Theres a reason I talk about myself. Ive always had a powerful feeling that no one can understand my work if they dont know me. Theres a reason for everything, and thus, from the very beginning Ive endeavored to let my readers know me, take impressions of me to see if it lends credence to my work. Of course, it can have the opposite affect - that knowing me can cause some people to say all I write is rubbish. Thats the point of making my posts so personal - I want to be able to give you that choice. See the place the words come from, the things that influence and shadow the impulsions that cause the words.
I managed to traumatize myself quite well last week. I brought my sanity into a shining, thin, stretched thread. I listened to horrible crimes on the radio and my brilliant brain made pictures that I had to believe. I stumbled. I knocked things over in my panic.
And Ive realized, rather than creating scripts that may never have been spoken, scenes that may never have been played out, rather than making assumptions based on such little evidence, I should really be looking within.....Much safer that way. Blame thyself for thy short comings.
Theres a sound that we modern humans associate with disaster. Im sure they would think the same thing, cavemen, hearing it. Its exploding and shattering glass, its the bending scream of ripping metal. Its the stretching and twanging of metal threads, stenches of burning and crumbling of concrete. These sounds usually accompany human screams.
I feel like its all going on within me - Oh, how easy it was, to let my imagination run wild and free, how very tempting, to point the finger and say - "It was not me - it was him!" It makes me wish I wasnt so fucking smart. A lesser person wouldnt have had the brain power to create what I created, to find cause and effect and even evidence to back themselves up.
The tears yesterday have compounded it. Ive cracked. I can feel it. Its not something I think or feel, just something I know. That vital thread that connects me to the 'Real' world has snapped. That disastrous sound is just going on around me, along with a hollow wailing of wind screaming over deserted rocks.
Soon, I'll make an appointment to get back into the nuerologist. I'll have my results next saturday, and then I'll know, finally, if theres a reason for this. If theres scar tissue affecting my nerve pathways, or perhaps, multiple small anyerisims. Strokes even. Or a nice simple brain tumour.
And this is the part where it gets hard.....Because, I think Id rather deal with all, any of those things. I think Id rather have that.....
Rather than a nice, clean, healthy MRI scan. A scan that proves, once and for all....There is no reason for this, except, that Kleonaptra's NUTS........
We'll see.
Im overjoyed - the sky is overcast. There is the steady, relentless, constant sound of dripping water. Its so soft, not like rain, just a steady, never ending dripping. The air has become water. My imagination can feel how it tastes, this water/air, and I know how it feels outside. But Im not thinking of going outside, not yet. Im thinking of painkillers, as my period pain(that was only tickling yesterday, and slightly complicating matters) has swung into full force - back cramps and stomach cramps that suck the life from me. Im thinking of tea, toast, and Najara.
By the way, Id like to mention, when period pain hits hard, I like to call it 'pregancy preview'. The mood swings before it occurs, the weakness in your body, the feeling of lost control. All of this occurs pre labour. Then you get a spurt of energy, before you get the pain.
Sometimes, period pains mild. You can feel it, but its just there. Its just pain.
Sometimes, like this month for me, it seems determined to let you know exactly what labour will be like. With the ripping, breath stealing cramps that are coming now, I can directly visualize the exact dimensions of head and shoulders of an infant, and just how small and ill equipped my inner pathways are in dealing with such dimensions. I can feel every last nerve ending - all the way up and all the way down - screaming in agony as they stretch and push. If thats not enough, it doesnt end there. The excited struggling of those muscles gets all the other tubes in the vicinity worked up. It constantly feels like youve just gotta use the can, in every way, but it hurts to damn much. With all this going on it doesnt take long before your lower back is clenching and screaming too, as if it just cant be left out of this party.
You can actually feel each contraction stretching out to the point where it brings the breath ripping from your body and the blood draining from your face.
They say its fun to be a woman?
I go to let the ducks out, and the four boys are lined up along the back fence. Hmmm....Wheres Teshan? I often try to impress upon mum - if your smart, you can tell what the whole herd is doing if you see only one. I can see four - all acting out of character. With one last smile at Wistapew
Whos asking me to play with him I head out.
Theres a tree on a fence. Shit! Where is Teshan!?
If you have no imagination you are such a lucky person. You have no idea what goes through the minds of those that do in a situation like this. All of the worst - to prepare myself - flood through my mind. Teshan pinned under a tree, still alive. Teshan pinned under a tree, not alive. Her beautiful white coat striped with red and her long mane and tail dead as cobwebs. Teshan hung on a fence, Teshan with a leg snapped at a crazy angle.
Keeping my breath sighing in and out I put my boots on and race back down - There she is! Teshan! hiding in the trees with a coy look on her face. I hand out some hay so I can see them all and keep them out of my way while I deal with the tree. I like to call it a 'herdsnake' you'll see it anywhere people feed livestock by laying the food out in a line.
Notice Magnus in his brand new light blue and mulberry rainsheet, and Zayf in royal purple and lilac. My precious show boys!
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know the feedtruck is coming today. More hard work.
I go out - its only a small tree but I cant move the bastard. Its completely taken out my electric fence though by some small measure of mercy no lines are broken. It is hanging on pitbull guys shed, pulling on the barb wire. I contemplate leaving it but know I really cant - it could fall, it could cause more damage. FUCK.
With tired and shaking arms, bruised shoulders and disobediant legs I begin ripping off branches. It was obviously dead even if it does have sap and some greenery, so it comes apart easily and I thank all that there are some redeeming factors to life. I have to use the blockbuster(which, Ive only just realized, I left out there, somewhere.) for part of it, but I get the branches off, throw it off the fence with great difficulty(just call me Xena) walk the line, repair it. The picket should really be replaced, but fuck it.
I watch the front gate anxiously. The feed guy always gets me by surprise.
I get out my Jara, who quickly proceeds to the bathroom to play....Her favourite room
I think because she can talk to the birds feeding outside. She cant speak Mynah, but you know, she loves it.
I visit with Starbuck, the Pigeonous, Indigeonos
I check that Wistapew is settled on his cushion.
Gawd....Aint he cute? Notice the maginificent definition of the colours in his feathers - the many different browns(which is supposed to be a boring colour) that sculpt out the perfect curling shapes of his feathers. The dark edges of his black mask, and keen, friendly eyes. My Wistapew, my hatchling.
I check the kittys. I deal with a small rental crisis - despite my best efforts our number was not put on the order. Some people.....And now Im still watching the gate. Soon I'll have to ring mum and ask if the feeds actually been ordered.
Id just like to say.....Theres a reason I talk about myself. Ive always had a powerful feeling that no one can understand my work if they dont know me. Theres a reason for everything, and thus, from the very beginning Ive endeavored to let my readers know me, take impressions of me to see if it lends credence to my work. Of course, it can have the opposite affect - that knowing me can cause some people to say all I write is rubbish. Thats the point of making my posts so personal - I want to be able to give you that choice. See the place the words come from, the things that influence and shadow the impulsions that cause the words.
I managed to traumatize myself quite well last week. I brought my sanity into a shining, thin, stretched thread. I listened to horrible crimes on the radio and my brilliant brain made pictures that I had to believe. I stumbled. I knocked things over in my panic.
And Ive realized, rather than creating scripts that may never have been spoken, scenes that may never have been played out, rather than making assumptions based on such little evidence, I should really be looking within.....Much safer that way. Blame thyself for thy short comings.
Theres a sound that we modern humans associate with disaster. Im sure they would think the same thing, cavemen, hearing it. Its exploding and shattering glass, its the bending scream of ripping metal. Its the stretching and twanging of metal threads, stenches of burning and crumbling of concrete. These sounds usually accompany human screams.
I feel like its all going on within me - Oh, how easy it was, to let my imagination run wild and free, how very tempting, to point the finger and say - "It was not me - it was him!" It makes me wish I wasnt so fucking smart. A lesser person wouldnt have had the brain power to create what I created, to find cause and effect and even evidence to back themselves up.
The tears yesterday have compounded it. Ive cracked. I can feel it. Its not something I think or feel, just something I know. That vital thread that connects me to the 'Real' world has snapped. That disastrous sound is just going on around me, along with a hollow wailing of wind screaming over deserted rocks.
Soon, I'll make an appointment to get back into the nuerologist. I'll have my results next saturday, and then I'll know, finally, if theres a reason for this. If theres scar tissue affecting my nerve pathways, or perhaps, multiple small anyerisims. Strokes even. Or a nice simple brain tumour.
And this is the part where it gets hard.....Because, I think Id rather deal with all, any of those things. I think Id rather have that.....
Rather than a nice, clean, healthy MRI scan. A scan that proves, once and for all....There is no reason for this, except, that Kleonaptra's NUTS........
We'll see.
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Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Great to see you hon - its just not fair is it?
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Kleo, I know you're hard working, too hard working but it's time you got a life and I know you are going to hate me for that, but no-one else will say it.
Give up all those things I detest, they do not do you an ounce or mg of good.
I wonder if you'll ever talk to me again.
Of course, I could just have come and looked at the animals.
katyzzz ...with sympathy but not a lot else.
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Hello dear, and it is lovely to see you. Im glad you stopped in at just the right time to see some pics. FYI, as soon as Wist figures out he has to GET ON Talli for breeding to work, we'll have lots of little ducks!
Get a life? Yeah, well, I wish I could. If I work for a bit I may be able to get a life permanently.
And give up the things that make life worth living? NEVER, you know me better than that my dear - lifes nothin without the spices!
Of course you could have just looked, but then we wouldnt be stimulating our brains with our separate view points and fantastic discussion! Love always from me....And thanks for vistin!
BTW, I often grin at your comments on others blogs....You rock.
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Yeppie, it's just not fair..ah well.
Wistapew is gorgeous, but then again they all are!
Tracy
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
katyzzz
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
Tisha thinks that it is unusual for me to be able to tell when her friend will come around on her monthly visit, that the PMS tablets and lady things are well stocked up and I am in hiding; no real mystery just a survival instinct kicking in. Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Hiya again....If you think the photo is cute, you should see him try to herd Talli inside when it rains...He starts quaking like "Oh! Its raining! We'd best get inside!" While Talli gives him looks only women can understand from the pond, raindrops falling on her head, screaming - "YOU'RE A DUCK!!!"
He's even cuter when hes being cuddled too!
Katyzzz,
That does fine Katyzzz - youre nearly fluent!
Raven,
You are a very smart man indeed. Kman greets it with joy - since I went off the dreaded pill the monthly coming signals a few days contraception free!
And Tish shouldnt be surprised - it does cycle after all!