ANGST, Angst oh, you are my word, why do you chase me, throughout the world?
April 18th 2007 12:06
I was starting to feel ok, you know.
Ok, sure, I havnt held down a steady job in the last year. Ok, so, my anxiety's returning. Ok so, Im a lazy horse trainer(still won the Auzzies didnt I?) Ok, so, my relationship with my mum leaves a lot to be desired.
Ive got two interviews this week that are looking good. Best of all, after 6 long years, I trusted my man. I really and honestly believed everything would be ok, because we were together, and strong. Something deep within me sighed, gave in, let go.
WHY WHY WHY WHY
(The universal truth is there is no why)
Tonight, I didnt feel like talking to mum. Its often that way when I have to live with her. Later, she comes upstairs, want to talk, do you still want to live with me? No not really. Well, I'll take my two horses and go then.
My mind opens in possibilities. More time for Shakir, More time for Zayf. Perhaps I'll ride Teshan some more. I'll miss Mags, but it will be fun seeing mum get Mags ready for a show without me.
And freedom....Ah, illusive freedom, I shall have you at last! Once again, Cresent Moon, MY concept, MY business, MY 10 long years of work shall be mine and mine alone, no more mum muscling in, saying it was all her idea, I mean, Ive only been working on it since I was 14, of course, two years ago, she thought of it first, what was I thinking to argue with such logic?
Then my man throws a spak. An absolute spak. " I cant deal with these horses...Why does everything keep going wrong....Lurching from one crises to the next....Id be happier on my own in an apartment in the city....I want to go back to the city"
So its universal law then, that when I trust a man, be it father figure or lover, they disappear? Betray me?
Fine - Leave. Both of you. Disappear. Watch the money I make on my own without you useless crutches supporting me, hindering me.
See you at Kings Court.
Ok, sure, I havnt held down a steady job in the last year. Ok, so, my anxiety's returning. Ok so, Im a lazy horse trainer(still won the Auzzies didnt I?) Ok, so, my relationship with my mum leaves a lot to be desired.
Ive got two interviews this week that are looking good. Best of all, after 6 long years, I trusted my man. I really and honestly believed everything would be ok, because we were together, and strong. Something deep within me sighed, gave in, let go.
WHY WHY WHY WHY
(The universal truth is there is no why)
Tonight, I didnt feel like talking to mum. Its often that way when I have to live with her. Later, she comes upstairs, want to talk, do you still want to live with me? No not really. Well, I'll take my two horses and go then.
My mind opens in possibilities. More time for Shakir, More time for Zayf. Perhaps I'll ride Teshan some more. I'll miss Mags, but it will be fun seeing mum get Mags ready for a show without me.
And freedom....Ah, illusive freedom, I shall have you at last! Once again, Cresent Moon, MY concept, MY business, MY 10 long years of work shall be mine and mine alone, no more mum muscling in, saying it was all her idea, I mean, Ive only been working on it since I was 14, of course, two years ago, she thought of it first, what was I thinking to argue with such logic?
Then my man throws a spak. An absolute spak. " I cant deal with these horses...Why does everything keep going wrong....Lurching from one crises to the next....Id be happier on my own in an apartment in the city....I want to go back to the city"
So its universal law then, that when I trust a man, be it father figure or lover, they disappear? Betray me?
Fine - Leave. Both of you. Disappear. Watch the money I make on my own without you useless crutches supporting me, hindering me.
See you at Kings Court.
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Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Never stop chasing a dream.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
Health Focus
Poetry Lighthouse
MS Paint Art
Could I have Mum's address please in case I have to go and help care for my Magnus.
Give you 5 seconds in the city.
Where's the apartment that can fit you and those horses?
You'll feel better soon.
Too much physical stress is very draining.
Overtiredness of itself can lead to much pain.
Keep on keeping on, one step at a time, easy as she goes, cut back a little then you'll surge forward again.
Do the pain, you'll get the gain.
Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done, count your blessings, name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord can do.
Don't worry I'm not going to thrust religion at you.
Lighten up, lighten up, try that yoga.
katyzzz....look after Magnus for me.
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I try.
Katyzzz,
Magnus got hugs this morning, be sure of that. He hates getting up at 5am.
And I try. I try.
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
I`m really sorry things are so tough at the moment... I don`t really know what else to say except that warm hugs are winging their way toward you...
hugs
ash
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
I'm really so sorry to hear that everything has gone to hell like that.
Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs your way.
Kylie
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Things sound very tough, I'm sending you best wishes,
Tracy
Comment by Lily
Bohemians United
Ars Poetica
hope and hugs,
~Lily
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
You guys on Orble are becoming my bestest friends!
And a good distraction has arrived....
Comment by Miss Nomer
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
It is SO funny you should say that! Ive often thought if I could just put the curb chain on him and give him a quick jab every now and then life would be a hell of a lot easier! And he's always struck me as more of a gelding than a stallion...
Once, when I had some fencing to do, Kman says, "I wish I could lend you my strength for a day" I said, "Well, while your at it, Id also like your hieght and your penis..No balls though, Ive got my own"
Kman says?
"No way, you'd never give it back!"
And last night, feeling down, I went to visit my stallion(14mths, not quite a stallion but he sure thinks so) and hes always ready to kiss and cuddle me, and hold me like a real man should...
At least theres one on the property, eh?