Chasing a dream
July 16th 2007 02:29
In a recent post (which was more of a rant) I mentioned a dream....Well, more than that. Its like a promise. As hard as Ive worked, Ive always known, all my life, that SOMETHING was going to happen to change things. The problem is, it never seems to come. Ive always believed if I work my little heart out and continue down this rocky road, THEY will save me from myself, one day. Im really beginning to believe that its all been for nothing, that the promises are just a good way of completely fucking with my head.
Yesterday, I had to work, it was a sunday. I knew cold as a summer person feels it for the first time. Before I left the house at 5am, intuition told me to put on more clothes. I didnt listen to it - after all, my bones are always blazing, so why should I believe Id actually feel the cold?
Eerie was the only word for the train station. The dead set scene of every ghost story. I found it quite exciting. When the train came the windows were bolted shut so I assumed it would be heated.
Wrong. I began to feel cold straight away and soon I was in real pain. You know when youre so cold that if you move it feels like ice on your skin? I began to shiver and count the stations(no small feat on a hour long trip) until the city. Just get me to the underground I begged, the precious underground where its warm and I can buy a coffee and a greasy bacon roll.
The underground was warm, but all the shops - even the wog shops - were closed! I barely managed to get the coffee and roll, settling for maccas as they were the only ones open. Still freezing, I just got on any old bus, even though it took me out of my way, cos theyre heated.
Just get me to the markets, I thought, the sun will be shining and it will be warm - Its always warm at the beaches.
Wrong. There was no sun(normally a fact I would have rejoyced over) and a wicked wind was screaming over the lake to the sea, then back from the sea to the lake. First thing I found my period had started. Then my boss drew herself up to her very petite hight and informed me we had to work harder, get more bookings, because we werent making a profit and she hadnt drawn a wage in years. She was using her personal account for everything, including paying me.
Then she proceeded to wander off countless times, to buy food(often cake - she just quit smoking) buy gloves, a new purse......Its a bit of a list. Needless to say I wasnt too worried about her money problems.
About halfway through the day I looked around. I looked at myself, and let me draw you a little picture - Tight grey pants that look a LOT more expensive than what they are. Red leather jacket that also looks a LOT more expensive than what it actually was. Scarf attractively knotted about my neck. Hair shining and hanging to my waist. Big, genuine(?) smile, and a very cultured accent in my resonant voice that never, EVER swears.
Wistfully, I thought of what Id been wearing the day before. Torn caudroys. Holy sneakers, thick baggy socks. multiple layers of T shirts, and Kmans oversized jumper. Warm, so warm, in the coldest part of sydney, and my lovely deep voice just mouthing off non stop. "Get out of it Zayfir you horny little shit" "Shakir, your a mean little prick you know that?" "Teshan! You fat bitch of a polar bear!" "Najara! Stop raping my hand you fucking psycho Mynah bird!" "Magnus! You gorgeous piece of horseflesh!" "Spirit, you sweet honey"
I looked at myself smiling sweetly to complete strangers, drawing them in, suckering them into my net, smiling, smiling, pandering, whip me please......The essence of customer service. And I thought about what life would be like if I got this job as a groom. Sure, Id have no time at home and Najara would be traumatized. Sure, the horses would go completely feral. But all day, everyday, Id be working with horses. Never once would there be a second of awkward "shit, what am I doing" moments, never would I stand and go "jeez, what next" never would I hesitate, or try to get out of something because I found it distasteful. I would dutifully groom, exercise, move feed bags and hay bales and fill water troughs. If anyone left a bucket half empty, a feed undone or a horse ungroomed Id be up their arse, telling them to do it right or dont bloody do it at all. Not to mention damn good money plus the benefits of paid sick days and annual leave, and extra super.
So, I decided I'll go for this for all Im worth. Sure, it means less time at home, less time to be me, but if I get the lead out for the next year I'll never have to 'work' again. Once we own our own place I can stay home and build the business.
Then.....Theres that dream. I havnt slept properly in about 3 weeks. The headache has not left. Of course now, with my period, its worse, my eyes wont open as we speak. But theres always a chance....a little girl in me will always believe theres at least a sliver of a chance......For something more. Something much, much more. Not just for me, but for everyone I love.
For you poetry fans - something from last week.
Yesterday, I had to work, it was a sunday. I knew cold as a summer person feels it for the first time. Before I left the house at 5am, intuition told me to put on more clothes. I didnt listen to it - after all, my bones are always blazing, so why should I believe Id actually feel the cold?
Eerie was the only word for the train station. The dead set scene of every ghost story. I found it quite exciting. When the train came the windows were bolted shut so I assumed it would be heated.
Wrong. I began to feel cold straight away and soon I was in real pain. You know when youre so cold that if you move it feels like ice on your skin? I began to shiver and count the stations(no small feat on a hour long trip) until the city. Just get me to the underground I begged, the precious underground where its warm and I can buy a coffee and a greasy bacon roll.
The underground was warm, but all the shops - even the wog shops - were closed! I barely managed to get the coffee and roll, settling for maccas as they were the only ones open. Still freezing, I just got on any old bus, even though it took me out of my way, cos theyre heated.
Just get me to the markets, I thought, the sun will be shining and it will be warm - Its always warm at the beaches.
Wrong. There was no sun(normally a fact I would have rejoyced over) and a wicked wind was screaming over the lake to the sea, then back from the sea to the lake. First thing I found my period had started. Then my boss drew herself up to her very petite hight and informed me we had to work harder, get more bookings, because we werent making a profit and she hadnt drawn a wage in years. She was using her personal account for everything, including paying me.
Then she proceeded to wander off countless times, to buy food(often cake - she just quit smoking) buy gloves, a new purse......Its a bit of a list. Needless to say I wasnt too worried about her money problems.
About halfway through the day I looked around. I looked at myself, and let me draw you a little picture - Tight grey pants that look a LOT more expensive than what they are. Red leather jacket that also looks a LOT more expensive than what it actually was. Scarf attractively knotted about my neck. Hair shining and hanging to my waist. Big, genuine(?) smile, and a very cultured accent in my resonant voice that never, EVER swears.
Wistfully, I thought of what Id been wearing the day before. Torn caudroys. Holy sneakers, thick baggy socks. multiple layers of T shirts, and Kmans oversized jumper. Warm, so warm, in the coldest part of sydney, and my lovely deep voice just mouthing off non stop. "Get out of it Zayfir you horny little shit" "Shakir, your a mean little prick you know that?" "Teshan! You fat bitch of a polar bear!" "Najara! Stop raping my hand you fucking psycho Mynah bird!" "Magnus! You gorgeous piece of horseflesh!" "Spirit, you sweet honey"
I looked at myself smiling sweetly to complete strangers, drawing them in, suckering them into my net, smiling, smiling, pandering, whip me please......The essence of customer service. And I thought about what life would be like if I got this job as a groom. Sure, Id have no time at home and Najara would be traumatized. Sure, the horses would go completely feral. But all day, everyday, Id be working with horses. Never once would there be a second of awkward "shit, what am I doing" moments, never would I stand and go "jeez, what next" never would I hesitate, or try to get out of something because I found it distasteful. I would dutifully groom, exercise, move feed bags and hay bales and fill water troughs. If anyone left a bucket half empty, a feed undone or a horse ungroomed Id be up their arse, telling them to do it right or dont bloody do it at all. Not to mention damn good money plus the benefits of paid sick days and annual leave, and extra super.
So, I decided I'll go for this for all Im worth. Sure, it means less time at home, less time to be me, but if I get the lead out for the next year I'll never have to 'work' again. Once we own our own place I can stay home and build the business.
Then.....Theres that dream. I havnt slept properly in about 3 weeks. The headache has not left. Of course now, with my period, its worse, my eyes wont open as we speak. But theres always a chance....a little girl in me will always believe theres at least a sliver of a chance......For something more. Something much, much more. Not just for me, but for everyone I love.
For you poetry fans - something from last week.
Within
Cold air like ice water
soaks through my clothes
knuckles disappear
as fingers are nibbled away
Old friend jealousy rears his head
(I pat it fondly)
As I see others well rugged
watching from threads bare.
Blue sky, dark clouds
painted waterwash
in clear air
and near mountains
I am the watcher, the observer
I always watch
from my hideyhole
in plain sight
from the cold place
within
soaks through my clothes
knuckles disappear
as fingers are nibbled away
Old friend jealousy rears his head
(I pat it fondly)
As I see others well rugged
watching from threads bare.
Blue sky, dark clouds
painted waterwash
in clear air
and near mountains
I am the watcher, the observer
I always watch
from my hideyhole
in plain sight
from the cold place
within
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Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
Good luck - it sounds like this could be the very thing you have been looking for.... holding thumbs it all works out for you!
That`s all I want too - my own house so I can spend my days doing what I need and want to do without having to worry about fitting it into my spare time.
let us know how it goes
ash
Comment by Nickoftime's Sanity Corner
I know exactly how you feel...when I first started school, I had to do stupid things that didn't seem to make any sense or seem to have anything to do with what I was supposed to learn...
There were many times I sat back and just went, "Huh!?" then questioned wtf I was really doing...
But, the rewards were sooo well worth the effort and the struggle cause now I am living my dream...even though it took me so long to get here...
You'll get to live your dream too..I can just feel it...and you'll finally start to see the pieces fall into place...
Peace and white light,
Nick
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Getting up at 5am today to go to work I thought "nonono" I cant do this everyday! I dont know what I bloody want - dont want to stay where I am, dont know if I want this new job....GRRR
Nick,
You are so sweet, you always make me feel so good with your comments. Please dont mention school! I went to school for as long as I could and was desperate to go to uni but we couldnt afford it.
Thanks for the vote of confidence....I feel it too but its hard to keep believing when everytime I get close it just fades away.
Pieces falling into place.....I hope so!
Comment by Wendi
We seem to be moving in similar circles - but this does not surprise me. We've both taken on jobs we don't want because we need them, but we've taken them at the expense of what we do want... because we can't afford to support our own dreams when reality is so demanding. Doors and windows will open, though... I can feel it. I don't know when, but they will open.
I am such a fan of your new poetic style. This part really stood out to me:
I always watch
from my hideyhole
in plain sight
*raises coffee mug* - Here's to dreams coming true! (Believe good things.....?? *grins*)
W