Dancin with The Devil, (Take 2) The Needle that removes the Thorn
August 24th 2007 06:46
" In the absense of Light, Darkness Prevails"
Now, I heard that quote for the first time in 'Hellboy' and Im not sure where it comes from originally, but its just one of those things that resonates within me. There are so many meanings that can be taken from that one line. To me, it equals continuety, balance. It proves that Light can be bad, and Dark can be Good. That no matter how carefully you draw those lines that define whats good and whats bad, they can blur.....Usually in the night when you feel alone and theres nothing upon which to rate that thought you just had. Like this quote from 'Lisey's Story'
"....The smell of her husband as he lay on his deathbed, looking at her with his burning eyes, Granny D lying dying in the chickenyard with her foot going jerk-jerk-jerk.
Terrible thoughts. Terrible images, the kind that come back to haunt you in the middle of the night when the moon is down and the medicines gone and the hour is none.
All the bad gunky...."
For some people, these images simply never go away. You can be smiling and happy and WHAM in your mind is a bloody and gory image you didnt even know you were dredging up. Or worse, you have such a FANTASTIC imagination(and it makes you SUCH a talented little artist) that your brain serves you up brand new images - Just what it might look like if your lover was mangled in a car wreck or how your mother might die. Counting down the years of your favourite pets life. The possibilities of the bad gunky really are endless.
I want to tell you a little story of something that happened yesterday afternoon....Ive got a mate thats hell bent determined to talk to me about bad gunky. She was years ago when my brain first shut down, and now she thinks Ive successfully 'fixed it'. No matter how I try and impress upon her that this isnt so - YES I have my memory and flow of time back, YES I SEEM so very sane now dont I? I still self medicate and feel like I dance so close to the edge of insanity its a wonder I havnt slipped over it. Still, the images force their way under my eyelids and if anything the voices have gotten LOUDER - Kmans 5 mins late from work?
"He's with another woman you know. Some little skirt with painted fingernails who has an apartment in the city and doesnt plan to tie him down with a million animals. He doesnt even love you. He's just scared to leave you in case you committ suicide - he doesnt want it on his concience"
And if I do the Golem thing? "Not listening"
"Then we'll SHOW you! This is where he is, what he's doing.....See? How can he love you if he's bending her over like that? See the look on his face! When was the last time he looked at YOU like that?"
"NOT FUCKING TRUE!" Psychic shove.
"Fine. How do you like this one then?" Internal movie screen goes blood red and dripping. Pain like claws stab through my temples and lances down the left side of my face and Im gasping from it as the images begin to assault.......Kmans train coming off the tracks. Shakir lying prone with a broken leg. Najara being eaten alive by Sampson. Me breaking Sampsons neck in a blind rage because he ate my bird. A stray cat coming over the balcony and killing both Talli and Wist. Zayfir hung on the wire fence. Magnus having his tendons cut in the middle of the night by a show rival who considers him a threat. One of my enemies painting poison in the water troughs so they all die slow horrible deaths from bleeding intestines.....
Crumple. Watch. Listen. Helpless.......Cut.
Yesterday, little mate REALLY pushed me to find out the nature of my dementia. You see, her dad suffers bad gunky big time. She's been paying for it her whole life and now her brothers gone gomer. Off to crazy land, realities too hard, packed it in. I think, she wants to know, if I can function, why cant they? I know the father person self medicates on alcohol - big woop, mines weed. Like me, he's tried out the psychiatrists and psychologists, given their drugs a try, and found them wanting. Anti psychotic drugs actually made my hallucinations worse! And the talking cure? Well, it doesnt really help if you dont want to talk about it does it?
The bottom line is, she pushed and pushed. Oh, voices got loud. She wanted to know what they were saying. I gave her some very vanilla like examples. "Kill em all" etc. She wasnt buying it. I could just feel.....Something. Something bad. She pushed, she pushed. Finally I exploded.....
"They tell me to slit my horses throats! Open Kman's ribcage while he's sleeping! Crush Najara slowly in one hand! Is that what you wanted to fucking hear?"
"well, do they say to kill me?"
I listened for less than a second. " gouging your eyes out seems to be the common thing at the moment"
She looked incredulous. Like she couldnt believe my voices were picking on her. Even though she asked for it! Now she says, "And what would they say if you tried, and I gave you a good thump in the face?"
Heres the scary part. The REALLY scary part. My sane brain was present. My sane brain carefully recorded everything that happened. Even as it retreated, gave up control and was swallowed by the roaring bad gunky, still, for the first time ever, it witnessed what goes on.
Very quietly, skin beginning to tingle and oh.....yes, beginning to get aroused at the promise of violence and FEAR I replied to her...."What a fight that would be"
She stepped towards me. Very purposefully. Maintaining eye contact. What the fuck was going through her brain? I dont know, but I do know this -
People like her do not believe mental illness is real. Oh, sure, they have their 'emotional problems' but they think that all of this bad gunky is just in your head, only in your head, cant ever affect the real world. That its some kind of big mistake it ever leaks out and people should control themselves better. Shes within her rights - there was a time I believed that too.
This is what makes it real. The changes in your PHYSICAL body that are caused by the voices or images. She'd pushed me SO hard. And that step towards me, looking me right in the eye like she was egging on a vicious dog....
Oh, somewhere deep within ADRENALINE flamed and fired and RACED through my blood. Sane brain somehow took hold of right foot and coersed body into stepping back, while hands began to raise from my sides, twisted like claws, lips pulled back from teeth and snarled from the back of the throat. "Don't" I somehow managed to say, although my voice was gutteral and thick with bad gunky.
She looked only slightly scared as I backed right off. Im sure she thought and still thinks Im the one who was scared. Hell, she's right, but not for the reasons she thinks! I dont want to come back into myself hours later in a cop shop, saying, "well, what happened?" and have Kman tell me, "Well, apparently you gouged out J's eye?"
That has happened folks. I have had lost time periods.
I ended up screaming at my little mate - "You stupid FUCK, What did you think you were doing? You dont know you dont understand you think its all fucking make believe you dont understand that thoughts and then fucking ADRENALINE floods your body and that MAKES it real! When the adrenaline hits you've got to be careful what you're doing or you might find you've done somethin really BAD!"
She's still desperate to talk about bad gunky. But over the phone. Not too keen to be in my presence.
Later, I sat, I analysed(as I do) and started my old bullshit - The Kleo sad song. "Oh, why oh why do I have to put up with this shit all this bad gunky its not fair why oh why...."
"Because you love it......" They whisper.
"Dont"
"Yes, you do.....You adore it. You LOVE being bad, NASTY naughty......You love knowing if people could see through you they way you see through them they'd run SCREAMING....In fact, you look forward to it.....Your greatest pleasure is the destruction of innocence through FEAR and VIOLENCE......You LOVE how it makes you feel......You love fantasising about it, you love SOME of the images we give you......Dont you? Dont you, of course you do......"
I got told a lot about the Devil as a kid. That he's a great liar, that he's seductive, intoxicating. Bad gunky is like mainling evil, and it feels.....Awesome. Powerful. Its like super sensitive fingertips in every vein stroking them from the inside out. Feather light touches over your very bones. Being loved from the inside out. Tripping on pleasure I always ask......"What do you want of me....."
He only ever laughs. I don't worry about my immortal soul. I dont imagine that Gods got one end and the Devil the other and they're fighting wildly for it. I know what I am. I am nameless, changeless. I reside in the void, I observe. I am the needle that removes the thorn. I am the sword of darkness weilded by the warrior of light. I come to Earth and seek my release into a greater freedom, I guide and gaurd he souls Ive come to own. So all this? Its just foreplay.
Its just something that thinks Im attractive....And I find it beneficial to suck on its energy a bit. I find it .....tasty. Probably as tasty as it finds me. And that taste is power.
Sometimes, light needs to play dirty in order to triumph. Sometimes, a needle is required to remove an infected thorn. Sometimes black is white and white is black, and neither makes gray.
I am the needle that removes the thorn.
(Related post to your left, Dancing with the Devil, in spotlight posts.)
(And thanks again, Stephen King for the describe all phrase....Bad gunky)
Now, I heard that quote for the first time in 'Hellboy' and Im not sure where it comes from originally, but its just one of those things that resonates within me. There are so many meanings that can be taken from that one line. To me, it equals continuety, balance. It proves that Light can be bad, and Dark can be Good. That no matter how carefully you draw those lines that define whats good and whats bad, they can blur.....Usually in the night when you feel alone and theres nothing upon which to rate that thought you just had. Like this quote from 'Lisey's Story'
"....The smell of her husband as he lay on his deathbed, looking at her with his burning eyes, Granny D lying dying in the chickenyard with her foot going jerk-jerk-jerk.
Terrible thoughts. Terrible images, the kind that come back to haunt you in the middle of the night when the moon is down and the medicines gone and the hour is none.
All the bad gunky...."
For some people, these images simply never go away. You can be smiling and happy and WHAM in your mind is a bloody and gory image you didnt even know you were dredging up. Or worse, you have such a FANTASTIC imagination(and it makes you SUCH a talented little artist) that your brain serves you up brand new images - Just what it might look like if your lover was mangled in a car wreck or how your mother might die. Counting down the years of your favourite pets life. The possibilities of the bad gunky really are endless.
I want to tell you a little story of something that happened yesterday afternoon....Ive got a mate thats hell bent determined to talk to me about bad gunky. She was years ago when my brain first shut down, and now she thinks Ive successfully 'fixed it'. No matter how I try and impress upon her that this isnt so - YES I have my memory and flow of time back, YES I SEEM so very sane now dont I? I still self medicate and feel like I dance so close to the edge of insanity its a wonder I havnt slipped over it. Still, the images force their way under my eyelids and if anything the voices have gotten LOUDER - Kmans 5 mins late from work?
"He's with another woman you know. Some little skirt with painted fingernails who has an apartment in the city and doesnt plan to tie him down with a million animals. He doesnt even love you. He's just scared to leave you in case you committ suicide - he doesnt want it on his concience"
And if I do the Golem thing? "Not listening"
"Then we'll SHOW you! This is where he is, what he's doing.....See? How can he love you if he's bending her over like that? See the look on his face! When was the last time he looked at YOU like that?"
"NOT FUCKING TRUE!" Psychic shove.
"Fine. How do you like this one then?" Internal movie screen goes blood red and dripping. Pain like claws stab through my temples and lances down the left side of my face and Im gasping from it as the images begin to assault.......Kmans train coming off the tracks. Shakir lying prone with a broken leg. Najara being eaten alive by Sampson. Me breaking Sampsons neck in a blind rage because he ate my bird. A stray cat coming over the balcony and killing both Talli and Wist. Zayfir hung on the wire fence. Magnus having his tendons cut in the middle of the night by a show rival who considers him a threat. One of my enemies painting poison in the water troughs so they all die slow horrible deaths from bleeding intestines.....
Crumple. Watch. Listen. Helpless.......Cut.
Yesterday, little mate REALLY pushed me to find out the nature of my dementia. You see, her dad suffers bad gunky big time. She's been paying for it her whole life and now her brothers gone gomer. Off to crazy land, realities too hard, packed it in. I think, she wants to know, if I can function, why cant they? I know the father person self medicates on alcohol - big woop, mines weed. Like me, he's tried out the psychiatrists and psychologists, given their drugs a try, and found them wanting. Anti psychotic drugs actually made my hallucinations worse! And the talking cure? Well, it doesnt really help if you dont want to talk about it does it?
The bottom line is, she pushed and pushed. Oh, voices got loud. She wanted to know what they were saying. I gave her some very vanilla like examples. "Kill em all" etc. She wasnt buying it. I could just feel.....Something. Something bad. She pushed, she pushed. Finally I exploded.....
"They tell me to slit my horses throats! Open Kman's ribcage while he's sleeping! Crush Najara slowly in one hand! Is that what you wanted to fucking hear?"
"well, do they say to kill me?"
I listened for less than a second. " gouging your eyes out seems to be the common thing at the moment"
She looked incredulous. Like she couldnt believe my voices were picking on her. Even though she asked for it! Now she says, "And what would they say if you tried, and I gave you a good thump in the face?"
Heres the scary part. The REALLY scary part. My sane brain was present. My sane brain carefully recorded everything that happened. Even as it retreated, gave up control and was swallowed by the roaring bad gunky, still, for the first time ever, it witnessed what goes on.
Very quietly, skin beginning to tingle and oh.....yes, beginning to get aroused at the promise of violence and FEAR I replied to her...."What a fight that would be"
She stepped towards me. Very purposefully. Maintaining eye contact. What the fuck was going through her brain? I dont know, but I do know this -
People like her do not believe mental illness is real. Oh, sure, they have their 'emotional problems' but they think that all of this bad gunky is just in your head, only in your head, cant ever affect the real world. That its some kind of big mistake it ever leaks out and people should control themselves better. Shes within her rights - there was a time I believed that too.
This is what makes it real. The changes in your PHYSICAL body that are caused by the voices or images. She'd pushed me SO hard. And that step towards me, looking me right in the eye like she was egging on a vicious dog....
Oh, somewhere deep within ADRENALINE flamed and fired and RACED through my blood. Sane brain somehow took hold of right foot and coersed body into stepping back, while hands began to raise from my sides, twisted like claws, lips pulled back from teeth and snarled from the back of the throat. "Don't" I somehow managed to say, although my voice was gutteral and thick with bad gunky.
She looked only slightly scared as I backed right off. Im sure she thought and still thinks Im the one who was scared. Hell, she's right, but not for the reasons she thinks! I dont want to come back into myself hours later in a cop shop, saying, "well, what happened?" and have Kman tell me, "Well, apparently you gouged out J's eye?"
That has happened folks. I have had lost time periods.
I ended up screaming at my little mate - "You stupid FUCK, What did you think you were doing? You dont know you dont understand you think its all fucking make believe you dont understand that thoughts and then fucking ADRENALINE floods your body and that MAKES it real! When the adrenaline hits you've got to be careful what you're doing or you might find you've done somethin really BAD!"
She's still desperate to talk about bad gunky. But over the phone. Not too keen to be in my presence.
Later, I sat, I analysed(as I do) and started my old bullshit - The Kleo sad song. "Oh, why oh why do I have to put up with this shit all this bad gunky its not fair why oh why...."
"Because you love it......" They whisper.
"Dont"
"Yes, you do.....You adore it. You LOVE being bad, NASTY naughty......You love knowing if people could see through you they way you see through them they'd run SCREAMING....In fact, you look forward to it.....Your greatest pleasure is the destruction of innocence through FEAR and VIOLENCE......You LOVE how it makes you feel......You love fantasising about it, you love SOME of the images we give you......Dont you? Dont you, of course you do......"
I got told a lot about the Devil as a kid. That he's a great liar, that he's seductive, intoxicating. Bad gunky is like mainling evil, and it feels.....Awesome. Powerful. Its like super sensitive fingertips in every vein stroking them from the inside out. Feather light touches over your very bones. Being loved from the inside out. Tripping on pleasure I always ask......"What do you want of me....."
He only ever laughs. I don't worry about my immortal soul. I dont imagine that Gods got one end and the Devil the other and they're fighting wildly for it. I know what I am. I am nameless, changeless. I reside in the void, I observe. I am the needle that removes the thorn. I am the sword of darkness weilded by the warrior of light. I come to Earth and seek my release into a greater freedom, I guide and gaurd he souls Ive come to own. So all this? Its just foreplay.
Its just something that thinks Im attractive....And I find it beneficial to suck on its energy a bit. I find it .....tasty. Probably as tasty as it finds me. And that taste is power.
Sometimes, light needs to play dirty in order to triumph. Sometimes, a needle is required to remove an infected thorn. Sometimes black is white and white is black, and neither makes gray.
I am the needle that removes the thorn.
(Related post to your left, Dancing with the Devil, in spotlight posts.)
(And thanks again, Stephen King for the describe all phrase....Bad gunky)
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Comment by Always Eighteen
Always Eighteen
I enjoyed the read!
The image on top of your site: do you watch Evangelion? I used to be the biggest fan of that show a few years back.
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Im a massive Evangelion fan. We have the whole series and the movie on DVD plus the original episodes which have different scenes in some of them. Just when I think Ive got the lot I find out theres another movie on the way!
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
...this was a bad, dark, funky-gunky going clunky in the night?
*chuckle* ...glad it passed....outa sight.
Lilla ...
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
If good writing results, so much the better!
Comment by Cheryl J
Rhythmatism
Budget Centsability
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis