Dreams and Delusions
March 31st 2008 01:24
Ive been immersing myself in the newly acquired seasons of 'Buffy' and last night I revisted one of my favourites, titled 'normal again'.
Now, I know what you're all thinking....Kleo watches Buffy before bedtime, then dreams about vampires. No mystery there. I was heavily into vampire NOVELS, but there was no Buffy when I first started having my dreams. But, true and I believe it, whatever your mind has to work out, it will use the symbols that you put there, dress your characters in whatever you're thinking about. I love vampires and always have so its no surprise they feature with regularity.
Except, the vampire has been known to wander about while Im awake as well. He's whispered, he's come to the ouija board, and he's knocked on doors and walls. He's been about and the only evidence I really have is the way my blood suddenly begins to sing in my viens like its being called.....And a voice in the air.
Im not saying he's corporeal. Im just saying he's there. Does that make sense?
But in last nights episode the theme is that Buffy, after being stabbed by a demon (that must be Australian because they used a digeredoo to summon it) starts having flashes that the life she's living isnt real at all...She's actually in a mental hospital, and her life as a slayer is a complete delusion.
I played with this theme in a short story in high school titled 'Terrible Sounds' which, sadly, I have no copy of, but should be able to rewrite someday. Its a great theme.
But there are moments in that episode where I quite literally clutch my head and moan. Its just too much. Kman was watching with me, and professed an interest in my delusions. I had barely begun before he cut me off.
Because, despite living with a psychotic, Kman does not really believe I hallucinate. He does not really believe I have delusions, paranoid delusions, anxiety or depression.
One of the girls at my old job was asking about my psychosis, and I described the headaches, the constant voices. She said to me, "That must be exhausting!" I could have hugged her. Of all the people Ive ever told she was the only one to recognise how much effort it takes to remain in the real world.
When I was really, really sick, to the point I had to be watched while shaving my legs, I was driven extra mad by the fact I couldnt see spirits. I was having all this shit go on and I couldnt even reach my guides or angels - I was, quite literally, a psychic dud. A muggle.
After ward, it became clear to me that a psychotic weilding supernatural forces probably wasnt a good idea and everything had happened for a reason. It was only after Id been 'sane' for some time that my psychic talents began to come back.
So now, Im fully empowered with all the gifts I was born with. But along with it now I have the psychosis.....And really, its easy to tell a delusion from a daydream, but you can fall into traps....As they mention in 'Normal Again'.
I told Kman last night - proof that I actually have a real, HUMAN, biological father would slice off 99% of them right there! Its just too easy to imagine all kindsa bullshit when theres an open end, a question mark.
Last night, I felt a spirit announce itself. Its a change of air pressure, the severity of it depending on the individual power of the spirit and how rude they are, and its a little bit like havng your ears pop but not quite - like something heavy has been dropped in one side of my head, and the opposite ear rings. So, I sat up, looked around, inquired..."Spirit?"
I felt cold, but parts of me flowed with warmth. I could see eyes blue as ice chips and blonde hair. I could feel lips and suddenly my brain was flooded with sexual images.
The tall, blonde, blue eyed vamp. Do you have ANY idea how many texts and movies he shows up in? I went hell for leather to prove his existance once. With the same physical description showing up in different texts in different countries, not to mention an identical personality, its not as far fetched as you might think. I only perservered because there WAS a trail.
And last night, I was dreaming before I fell asleep. So much happened in the actual dreaming I awoke to only scattered images. But the ones that lulled me to sleep are still stuck firm.
On a slightly different topic, I was reading one of those 'face your fear' things the other day. I ended up throwing it against the wall. You wanna know the real, really REAL reason I talk so fucking much about my fear?
(Hint. Its not a vampire. But if you frequent my blog you will know what I mean)
Because I refuse to face him.
Makes all my bravado seem like a load of bullshit now dont it?
But Im afraid to face my fear would make a Buffy outta me.....And if youve seen season six, interpret that however the hell you want.
Now, I know what you're all thinking....Kleo watches Buffy before bedtime, then dreams about vampires. No mystery there. I was heavily into vampire NOVELS, but there was no Buffy when I first started having my dreams. But, true and I believe it, whatever your mind has to work out, it will use the symbols that you put there, dress your characters in whatever you're thinking about. I love vampires and always have so its no surprise they feature with regularity.
Except, the vampire has been known to wander about while Im awake as well. He's whispered, he's come to the ouija board, and he's knocked on doors and walls. He's been about and the only evidence I really have is the way my blood suddenly begins to sing in my viens like its being called.....And a voice in the air.
Im not saying he's corporeal. Im just saying he's there. Does that make sense?
But in last nights episode the theme is that Buffy, after being stabbed by a demon (that must be Australian because they used a digeredoo to summon it) starts having flashes that the life she's living isnt real at all...She's actually in a mental hospital, and her life as a slayer is a complete delusion.
I played with this theme in a short story in high school titled 'Terrible Sounds' which, sadly, I have no copy of, but should be able to rewrite someday. Its a great theme.
But there are moments in that episode where I quite literally clutch my head and moan. Its just too much. Kman was watching with me, and professed an interest in my delusions. I had barely begun before he cut me off.
Because, despite living with a psychotic, Kman does not really believe I hallucinate. He does not really believe I have delusions, paranoid delusions, anxiety or depression.
One of the girls at my old job was asking about my psychosis, and I described the headaches, the constant voices. She said to me, "That must be exhausting!" I could have hugged her. Of all the people Ive ever told she was the only one to recognise how much effort it takes to remain in the real world.
When I was really, really sick, to the point I had to be watched while shaving my legs, I was driven extra mad by the fact I couldnt see spirits. I was having all this shit go on and I couldnt even reach my guides or angels - I was, quite literally, a psychic dud. A muggle.
After ward, it became clear to me that a psychotic weilding supernatural forces probably wasnt a good idea and everything had happened for a reason. It was only after Id been 'sane' for some time that my psychic talents began to come back.
So now, Im fully empowered with all the gifts I was born with. But along with it now I have the psychosis.....And really, its easy to tell a delusion from a daydream, but you can fall into traps....As they mention in 'Normal Again'.
I told Kman last night - proof that I actually have a real, HUMAN, biological father would slice off 99% of them right there! Its just too easy to imagine all kindsa bullshit when theres an open end, a question mark.
Last night, I felt a spirit announce itself. Its a change of air pressure, the severity of it depending on the individual power of the spirit and how rude they are, and its a little bit like havng your ears pop but not quite - like something heavy has been dropped in one side of my head, and the opposite ear rings. So, I sat up, looked around, inquired..."Spirit?"
I felt cold, but parts of me flowed with warmth. I could see eyes blue as ice chips and blonde hair. I could feel lips and suddenly my brain was flooded with sexual images.
The tall, blonde, blue eyed vamp. Do you have ANY idea how many texts and movies he shows up in? I went hell for leather to prove his existance once. With the same physical description showing up in different texts in different countries, not to mention an identical personality, its not as far fetched as you might think. I only perservered because there WAS a trail.
And last night, I was dreaming before I fell asleep. So much happened in the actual dreaming I awoke to only scattered images. But the ones that lulled me to sleep are still stuck firm.
On a slightly different topic, I was reading one of those 'face your fear' things the other day. I ended up throwing it against the wall. You wanna know the real, really REAL reason I talk so fucking much about my fear?
(Hint. Its not a vampire. But if you frequent my blog you will know what I mean)
Because I refuse to face him.
Makes all my bravado seem like a load of bullshit now dont it?
But Im afraid to face my fear would make a Buffy outta me.....And if youve seen season six, interpret that however the hell you want.
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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Comment by tlcorbin
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
(I love your name by the way - old and magical)
I know, its just boggling isnt it? There are a few strains of thought that make this a dream world rather than the real one too.
Raven,
Ive got to admit buddy, you threw me for a serious loop there.
Thats my motto. I say it to the fearful, those who cannot act. And yet after reading your comment it was like you reached through the screen and gave me a throttle. Hot and cold chills and shakes WHOA man, forget King - YOUR POWER IS IN THE WORDS.....
I die every day, and even though I KNOW it, I only REALIZE it now....But it doesnt help me know what to do. Im weak in the end. Im just a scared girl again when I think about it...Not the leader of the pack Ive become.
My world is always turned upside down whenever he even looks at it. How could I dare to seek that out when Ive worked so hard on my world? I hate running, I do....Ive sworn I wouldnt do it. But I realize thats exactly what I have been doing....
Being deads never bothered me. Why should it now.
Comment by tlcorbin
Because yesterdays truths don't apply now; it all changed when you started with your self examinations.
Leaders are those folks who've faced their fears and press on in spite of them. You won't always vanquish them, but you can make them irrelevant.
And kleo, I see you doing just that. Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
i hope you're right. Its not like Im hiding in closets (I have been known to, once) but do I get points for pushing on and pretending it never happened? Thats my status quo.
Comment by tlcorbin
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I have heard that before.