Hatred, Revenge........And forgiveness.
May 16th 2008 11:02
The doctrine by which I was raised tells me that I cannot be happy with hatred in my heart - indeed, the catholic teachers I had preached that no human on Earth even knows what hatred is, that it is such a strong emotion its reserved for devils hating God. But God doesnt hate them back, even though they deserve it. Its just not his style.
Later on I learned a new doctrine of the Vedic variety, that teaches that Love, Fear and Hatred all reside within the heart chakra, that they are such similar emotions, so encompassing of the whole soul, that they all live together in the heart and only one can be felt at a time. I used to believe this utterly. It also made perfect sense that they were not opposites to one another, the opposite of them all is indifference. This made more sense than the mumbo jumbo Id heard most of my life.
But Im starting to think its all shit. But then again, Im not most people. Im different, if you havnt guessed. Not better, in fact Im actually worse, but I have insight, perception. I know things, even though Im learning.
If you've been wronged, those things Ive listed in the title are really your only options.
What does common pop culture tell us about the above options? Heros forgive, villians get revenge and everyone hates. But revenge, in particular, never seems to be enough. Id like to use Willow from Buffy as an example because she's supposed to be a goody (goody two shoes for that matter) that goes mad on revenge and power. Tara is killed - Willow vows revenge. She kills Warren - its not enough. Gotta go kill his buddies too. Denied that, I'll just kill who I need to. Anyone in my way will do, and when she gets tired of that, its destroy the world.
So why is revenge never enough? Why cant they just stop there? Ive only got one person on my list, and Ive always believed, that would be enough.
Revenge and hatred are no longer just colours to me, revenge is a flavour. I taste it in the back of my throat and on my tongue. I think about it every second Im alive. Even if Im laughing, worrying about my friend who needs an operation, its still there, that taste. The drum beat behind everything I do - Im gonna get you one day, I will, I will....
And the reason I think the Vedic principles are utter shit now? Because all three of those emotions are living with equal passion in my heart. And no, you goddamn fool, I dont mean they live for different entities, I mean I love my enemy as much as I hate him. How can I not? I loved him once (how do you think we got here) and this bloodlust forces me through the hardest times of my life. I have to survive, win, fight. To be ready to get him of course.
BUT....I am particularly agressive right now. Theres a thing I like that controls my agression and calms me right down and gives me the motivation of a rock. But Ive denied it to myself. Money is one reason, mental alertness another, and the last....Well. I like pain.
But I feel so lethal, ready to lash out. Kmans one of those noisy eaters, and this week he's been expecting me to listen to him but has been going blankly offline while I breathlessly tell my stories of my new job. He doesnt even realize that Ive noticed he's not listening and my story just came to an abrupt halt.
(thats a tip for ya guys - all us girls know you're only pretending to listen, but you need to be a bit more convincing than that)
Mum seems to do everything backwards and likes to leave jobs incomplete which is slowly but surely driving me insane. Some of the people at work, despite it being the most supportive place Ive ever worked, have these smug looks. My tongue has huge dents in it from chomping back "Well what are you so fucking smug about then?" I know I cant say that, I'll be a hypocrite, cos I look pretty goddamn smug too.
And just when I had it under control, the murderous rage, back in its box and beginning to fade, I have a nightmare. Vivid as a jungle and sickening in detail. Leaving me utterly, utterly sure that disaster is going to strike.
So, hence it comes, the bloodlust, the rage. The voices clamour - get thine enemy NOW!! Rid him from the Earth, and this paranoia is gone.....
But once that is done, I must move on to the other.
Then, I reason, the blood should really be wiped from the Earth. Every last cell of it. Wipe out the entire family lest THEY take revenge on ME.
And Then.....
It becomes, any who resemble him, any who mimic him.....I see youths who remind me strongly of him and the voices scream - you know what monsters these boys will grow into. Best to slaughter them now, before they have a chance to hurt innocent young girls like you once were......
And the only thing that holds me from action is my love. Love thine enemy, was it Christ who said that? Lord, I dont know, but it must have been the only thing I took to heart.
Later on I learned a new doctrine of the Vedic variety, that teaches that Love, Fear and Hatred all reside within the heart chakra, that they are such similar emotions, so encompassing of the whole soul, that they all live together in the heart and only one can be felt at a time. I used to believe this utterly. It also made perfect sense that they were not opposites to one another, the opposite of them all is indifference. This made more sense than the mumbo jumbo Id heard most of my life.
But Im starting to think its all shit. But then again, Im not most people. Im different, if you havnt guessed. Not better, in fact Im actually worse, but I have insight, perception. I know things, even though Im learning.
If you've been wronged, those things Ive listed in the title are really your only options.
What does common pop culture tell us about the above options? Heros forgive, villians get revenge and everyone hates. But revenge, in particular, never seems to be enough. Id like to use Willow from Buffy as an example because she's supposed to be a goody (goody two shoes for that matter) that goes mad on revenge and power. Tara is killed - Willow vows revenge. She kills Warren - its not enough. Gotta go kill his buddies too. Denied that, I'll just kill who I need to. Anyone in my way will do, and when she gets tired of that, its destroy the world.
So why is revenge never enough? Why cant they just stop there? Ive only got one person on my list, and Ive always believed, that would be enough.
Revenge and hatred are no longer just colours to me, revenge is a flavour. I taste it in the back of my throat and on my tongue. I think about it every second Im alive. Even if Im laughing, worrying about my friend who needs an operation, its still there, that taste. The drum beat behind everything I do - Im gonna get you one day, I will, I will....
And the reason I think the Vedic principles are utter shit now? Because all three of those emotions are living with equal passion in my heart. And no, you goddamn fool, I dont mean they live for different entities, I mean I love my enemy as much as I hate him. How can I not? I loved him once (how do you think we got here) and this bloodlust forces me through the hardest times of my life. I have to survive, win, fight. To be ready to get him of course.
BUT....I am particularly agressive right now. Theres a thing I like that controls my agression and calms me right down and gives me the motivation of a rock. But Ive denied it to myself. Money is one reason, mental alertness another, and the last....Well. I like pain.
But I feel so lethal, ready to lash out. Kmans one of those noisy eaters, and this week he's been expecting me to listen to him but has been going blankly offline while I breathlessly tell my stories of my new job. He doesnt even realize that Ive noticed he's not listening and my story just came to an abrupt halt.
(thats a tip for ya guys - all us girls know you're only pretending to listen, but you need to be a bit more convincing than that)
Mum seems to do everything backwards and likes to leave jobs incomplete which is slowly but surely driving me insane. Some of the people at work, despite it being the most supportive place Ive ever worked, have these smug looks. My tongue has huge dents in it from chomping back "Well what are you so fucking smug about then?" I know I cant say that, I'll be a hypocrite, cos I look pretty goddamn smug too.
And just when I had it under control, the murderous rage, back in its box and beginning to fade, I have a nightmare. Vivid as a jungle and sickening in detail. Leaving me utterly, utterly sure that disaster is going to strike.
So, hence it comes, the bloodlust, the rage. The voices clamour - get thine enemy NOW!! Rid him from the Earth, and this paranoia is gone.....
But once that is done, I must move on to the other.
Then, I reason, the blood should really be wiped from the Earth. Every last cell of it. Wipe out the entire family lest THEY take revenge on ME.
And Then.....
It becomes, any who resemble him, any who mimic him.....I see youths who remind me strongly of him and the voices scream - you know what monsters these boys will grow into. Best to slaughter them now, before they have a chance to hurt innocent young girls like you once were......
And the only thing that holds me from action is my love. Love thine enemy, was it Christ who said that? Lord, I dont know, but it must have been the only thing I took to heart.
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Comment by tlcorbin
My hand hurts and is interfering with my typing, lemme know when your heart song is heard and played back to you. Still (quiet) your wrath long enough to hear your song.
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Im sending healing energies for your hands my lovely one, the sounds of the star dance are always playing for me....Yet I never stop wondering why they look after a devil like me!
Comment by tlcorbin
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis