Home
February 27th 2008 04:20
I was born in Melbourne, even though I dont remember it. My parents moved me into NSW when I was 6 months old, and my mother recalls that despite being a good and quiet baby, I screamed the whole way up here. My childhood was spent in the South of NSW but still within the Sydney region, on the high southern rim of the Sydney Basin. From that high rim, you could see the city skyline oh so far off in the distance. New Years Eve cars would crowd that edge of the road to watch the far off sparklings of the city's fireworks. We had a school, a general store, a one car police station, and the ever present pub and garage. There were other stores there yet they constantly changed owners and products as not enough people lived there to support them.
When my parents broke up, mum and I managed to stay in the area for awhile. However, it wasnt long before we moved down into the basin itself, closer to schools and shops and Sydney herself, needing cheaper housing and shorter trips to school.
When I was very young and being brought up on the movie "Man From Snowy River" I used to wander our almost empty suburb and gaze longingly at the ranges behind us, the magnificent Burragorang. Being a child and not knowing my North from South, I had no idea that I was gazing longingly at the South in which Id been born, and which I was watching each day on our little colour telly. It never seemed strange to me that I was looking the wrong way - all the other girls and boys used to look longing at that city skyline, thinking "someday I'll be there, at the big smoke" while I quite literally, turned my back on it. The 'City' seemed a horrid place to me - it took about 4 ardous hours to get to, was crowded and noisy and smelt bad and seemed impossibly layed out so you always got hopelessly lost. On the few occassions I went in mum was careful to keep to the older areas, which she knew from working there in her early 20s.
After moving into 'Town' and joining public high school, we had a few excursions to the city and I met people who lived a lot closer to her or visited her often. I still felt the same way about it however - Still, it frightened me, its immensity - How the hell could you ever know where you were going with all those buildings blocking your view? In my early 20s with Kman we often went there for nights out and I was amazed by how his friends and he always knew exactly where they were going, just as I had known every rock and tree and corner of the Burragorang lookout. It began to lose its mystery. Now, after countless job interviews and other appiontments and working in one of its most dangerous areas, I know her pretty well. Dump me anywhere and I can find my nearest train station simply because Ive walked from Wynyard to Redfern.
When we made the launch to move to property I pushed for the south - even if only 20 minutes worth of it. Kman went into screaming fits over that, saying it would be impossible for him to get to work. The only rural area left was West, and that would make it impossible for ME to get to work. Trying to avoid screaming matches, I found us a place, gave up my job, and moved.....I comforted myself by the Great Dividing Range on my left on our moving trips - at least, my beloved mountains were still in view, still there, and closer than they had been. If disasterous calamity should strike, I could make a horsey road train and head into them and follow them all the way South......Home.
After being here a few months I realized my disastrous mistake. Mountains they were and haunting and beautiful and deserving my respect....But they did not sing. My whole life, whenever I had travelled South in the basin I had felt an unbelievable pull. I could hear them and I could feel them calling.... "Come to me come to me come to me...." After being here a few months a friend of mine took me on a little road trip south to visit a friend, but first we had to make a stop for her business.....And as we passed our old suburb and continued south past it I felt it again. My blood felt as if it were vibrating and my skin felt like it was trembling. The air seemed colder, crisper, more full of oxygen. I breathed it in deep into my lungs and it felt intoxicating, more so than any drug. Now they did not whisper....Oh, No.....
" Where have YOU BEEN! Come come come! Come HOME!!!!"
This was a scream. My bones lurched within this sack of skin, pulled as surely as if by a magnet I could FEEL it drawing me leaking into my pores and dragging me oh so surely south.
To turn in the other direction to come home was like hell. It was pins and needles and knives driving through skin and flesh and into bones. I sobbed as I tried to draw breath, tears ripped from me as I fought not to look. As usual, I thought what I always have. Theres nothing I can do.....
I started to search Real Estate. To my surprise the southern properties, wether still in NSW or in Victoria itself were unbelievably cheap for vast amounts of acres and decent sized houses. Searching within the Sydney area time and time again turned up over priced places on drought ridden calcium deficient land that was only going to be worth something when subdivision reached it. I began to pitch these properties at Kman - Look! $250,000 for over 100 acres with a house! Power lines and phone lines! He didnt seem interested. When I told mum this was where the stud would be located, that I refused to buy land anywhere else she'd answer boredly, "We'd all have to change jobs - it just wouldnt work" to which Id grind my teeth in frustration - honestly, how hard is it to change jobs? I do it all the time.
As usual my dreams got packed into mental boxes where I could go over them lovingly and not have them rifled over by uncaring eyes. I was content to sit and wait it out, hoping that in a few years Id have a published novel or a few good horses to sell, and I could make the move - With or Without the dead weights of my family that were dragging me down.
Then early this year, something happened that made me really mad.
Kman went to visit his dad in Newcastle and came back with a property booklet. He was showing it to mum with animated hand motions and an excited voice - prices were similar to the ones Id pitched to him, but the land quality wasnt quite so good. I heard mum say the dreaded words - "we'd all have to change jobs" barely disguising her own fear and disgust at the proposition. Smirking, I waited for him to be shot down in flames just as I had been.
When, to my great surprise, he said the exact same thing I had said, "Well, that wouldnt be too hard, the job market is quite good and we are all qualified" and instead of ranting and raving and going on about impossibilities, she said with a touch of excitement, "yeah, we could make it work."
I was frozen to my evesdropping position in absolute horror. I covered my mouth and felt as if I would be sick. How dare they - HOW DARE THEY!? Im the powerhouse of this operation, the one with all the ideas for making dreams come true (so it makes me a little erratic - bound to happen) and my dream, my ONE dream, was to go South.....And neither of the people that were supposed to love me the most wanted to support it.
Last night, Kman asked me some questions about housing, our future. He started off saying he had important things to work out, but about halfway into the convo, I realized they werent important at all. He was talking about deposits and bank loans and things that cannot possibly happen for another 2 years at least. Last time I checked, we didnt have a spare 20 grand, and with interest rates how they are, would we want to? I realized he was upset about something, like all male creatures, could not express it, and thus was trying to draw me into a screaming bitch fight where he could emerge the victor and thus feel better about himself. I just mumbled my usual thing about wanting to go south, trying to say it gently, we can stay in NSW if you like, but south is what I want.
He shot back, "well, actually I was thinking of Tasmania!" Which is what he always says when he wants to throw me off. He used to say to me, "oh, Mum and grandma and everyone are just DESPERATE for us to go to QLD" so we would get into roaring arguments - I HATE AND DETEST QLD!! I hate the tropics, the nearness to the equator and the god awful fucking hot weather! He told me, for his family, that simply wasnt a good enough excuse. I told him for somewhere Im going to live the rest of my life, the weather of each day is indeed, a great big hairy deal.
The reason he 'used' to say that and use that line, is because I confronted his stepdad at the drunken family thing last year. He actually snorted incredulously - "Oh, Darling" he said throwing his big arms around me "What a lie! Theres no pressure from us, none whatsoever. Go where you want to go, do what you want to do! In another year, we might sell this place and go around Australia, there's no telling WHERE we will be!" And thus, I threw this at Kmans feet so he had to admit, humbly, that he'd just been finding excuses.....Though why he chose North (like everyone I know seems to!) I have no idea.
Last night I asked him....Do you remember when we went to look at the houses down south? There were a few possibles that would have only added another half hours travel time to us, so we went for a look. We had passed Picton and the land started to get high.....The texture and colour of the grass changed and the air was alive....All around me was the whispering and thrumming singing of the land and my mouth stretched into an enormous smile as my eyes lit up. My breaths were deeper - I no longer felt the horrible emptiness within that causes me to chain smoke. I couldnt imagine ever polluting my lungs again now that they were being cleansed by the cold air. As we got out of the tiny car to grab brekkie at a small shopping centre I looked in wonder at the high hills shouldering up to the supermarket. Kman who had been asleep, climbed out and saw my expression for the first time. "well look at you" he said in wonder. I just couldnt stop smiling. My eyes felt open - wide open. I answered "i just cant help it.....The cold, can you feel it oh, cant you feel it? Cant you hear the SINGING?!" Kman was watching me indulgently, and mum had that grimace like I was faking it just to get attention. I learned from the best after all.
But last night, Kman remembered the place and the day but he did not remember my happiness. Today and last night he's moped and I'll just have to wait for him to spit it out as always. I think....He doesnt want to go to my best friends party this weekend. He doesnt have to go, but he doesnt trust me, so it becomes his own problem. Its going to be hard enough for me - back to the slums, the ol' suburb......And close enough to see the rim of the basin, close enough to breathe in the breath of the south that will begin to roll down to me the second I step foot there, close enough to hear the call....."come to me come to me come to me..."
And the agony of turning and going in the opposite direction to come home.
So today, I needed a pick me up. Instead of going through Real Estate I cant afford, I checked out country link prices and holidays, thinking, maybe I could go down for a visit....Of course, Im pretty sure I know what would happen. Head down for a visit, find employment oppurtunities, and never return. Its one of my most private little fantasies. Heres what I found....
(All pics are from visitmelbourne.com)
And Ive gone through the tours and accomodations available for the high country. Getting there isnt expensive, staying there isnt really, but it will require more savings than I have.
But Ive had another idea. An even better one. It may just be the craziest idea Ive ever had.
The people who do these horse rides.....Are they looking for staff by any chance? My 5 ponies would adore becoming pack and trail horses there.....
Its a fantasy, to be sure, but sometimes fantasies lead us into realities, and I think its worth looking at....At the moment I think Id do just about anything, just....To...Go....Home.
When my parents broke up, mum and I managed to stay in the area for awhile. However, it wasnt long before we moved down into the basin itself, closer to schools and shops and Sydney herself, needing cheaper housing and shorter trips to school.
When I was very young and being brought up on the movie "Man From Snowy River" I used to wander our almost empty suburb and gaze longingly at the ranges behind us, the magnificent Burragorang. Being a child and not knowing my North from South, I had no idea that I was gazing longingly at the South in which Id been born, and which I was watching each day on our little colour telly. It never seemed strange to me that I was looking the wrong way - all the other girls and boys used to look longing at that city skyline, thinking "someday I'll be there, at the big smoke" while I quite literally, turned my back on it. The 'City' seemed a horrid place to me - it took about 4 ardous hours to get to, was crowded and noisy and smelt bad and seemed impossibly layed out so you always got hopelessly lost. On the few occassions I went in mum was careful to keep to the older areas, which she knew from working there in her early 20s.
After moving into 'Town' and joining public high school, we had a few excursions to the city and I met people who lived a lot closer to her or visited her often. I still felt the same way about it however - Still, it frightened me, its immensity - How the hell could you ever know where you were going with all those buildings blocking your view? In my early 20s with Kman we often went there for nights out and I was amazed by how his friends and he always knew exactly where they were going, just as I had known every rock and tree and corner of the Burragorang lookout. It began to lose its mystery. Now, after countless job interviews and other appiontments and working in one of its most dangerous areas, I know her pretty well. Dump me anywhere and I can find my nearest train station simply because Ive walked from Wynyard to Redfern.
When we made the launch to move to property I pushed for the south - even if only 20 minutes worth of it. Kman went into screaming fits over that, saying it would be impossible for him to get to work. The only rural area left was West, and that would make it impossible for ME to get to work. Trying to avoid screaming matches, I found us a place, gave up my job, and moved.....I comforted myself by the Great Dividing Range on my left on our moving trips - at least, my beloved mountains were still in view, still there, and closer than they had been. If disasterous calamity should strike, I could make a horsey road train and head into them and follow them all the way South......Home.
After being here a few months I realized my disastrous mistake. Mountains they were and haunting and beautiful and deserving my respect....But they did not sing. My whole life, whenever I had travelled South in the basin I had felt an unbelievable pull. I could hear them and I could feel them calling.... "Come to me come to me come to me...." After being here a few months a friend of mine took me on a little road trip south to visit a friend, but first we had to make a stop for her business.....And as we passed our old suburb and continued south past it I felt it again. My blood felt as if it were vibrating and my skin felt like it was trembling. The air seemed colder, crisper, more full of oxygen. I breathed it in deep into my lungs and it felt intoxicating, more so than any drug. Now they did not whisper....Oh, No.....
" Where have YOU BEEN! Come come come! Come HOME!!!!"
This was a scream. My bones lurched within this sack of skin, pulled as surely as if by a magnet I could FEEL it drawing me leaking into my pores and dragging me oh so surely south.
To turn in the other direction to come home was like hell. It was pins and needles and knives driving through skin and flesh and into bones. I sobbed as I tried to draw breath, tears ripped from me as I fought not to look. As usual, I thought what I always have. Theres nothing I can do.....
I started to search Real Estate. To my surprise the southern properties, wether still in NSW or in Victoria itself were unbelievably cheap for vast amounts of acres and decent sized houses. Searching within the Sydney area time and time again turned up over priced places on drought ridden calcium deficient land that was only going to be worth something when subdivision reached it. I began to pitch these properties at Kman - Look! $250,000 for over 100 acres with a house! Power lines and phone lines! He didnt seem interested. When I told mum this was where the stud would be located, that I refused to buy land anywhere else she'd answer boredly, "We'd all have to change jobs - it just wouldnt work" to which Id grind my teeth in frustration - honestly, how hard is it to change jobs? I do it all the time.
As usual my dreams got packed into mental boxes where I could go over them lovingly and not have them rifled over by uncaring eyes. I was content to sit and wait it out, hoping that in a few years Id have a published novel or a few good horses to sell, and I could make the move - With or Without the dead weights of my family that were dragging me down.
Then early this year, something happened that made me really mad.
Kman went to visit his dad in Newcastle and came back with a property booklet. He was showing it to mum with animated hand motions and an excited voice - prices were similar to the ones Id pitched to him, but the land quality wasnt quite so good. I heard mum say the dreaded words - "we'd all have to change jobs" barely disguising her own fear and disgust at the proposition. Smirking, I waited for him to be shot down in flames just as I had been.
When, to my great surprise, he said the exact same thing I had said, "Well, that wouldnt be too hard, the job market is quite good and we are all qualified" and instead of ranting and raving and going on about impossibilities, she said with a touch of excitement, "yeah, we could make it work."
I was frozen to my evesdropping position in absolute horror. I covered my mouth and felt as if I would be sick. How dare they - HOW DARE THEY!? Im the powerhouse of this operation, the one with all the ideas for making dreams come true (so it makes me a little erratic - bound to happen) and my dream, my ONE dream, was to go South.....And neither of the people that were supposed to love me the most wanted to support it.
Last night, Kman asked me some questions about housing, our future. He started off saying he had important things to work out, but about halfway into the convo, I realized they werent important at all. He was talking about deposits and bank loans and things that cannot possibly happen for another 2 years at least. Last time I checked, we didnt have a spare 20 grand, and with interest rates how they are, would we want to? I realized he was upset about something, like all male creatures, could not express it, and thus was trying to draw me into a screaming bitch fight where he could emerge the victor and thus feel better about himself. I just mumbled my usual thing about wanting to go south, trying to say it gently, we can stay in NSW if you like, but south is what I want.
He shot back, "well, actually I was thinking of Tasmania!" Which is what he always says when he wants to throw me off. He used to say to me, "oh, Mum and grandma and everyone are just DESPERATE for us to go to QLD" so we would get into roaring arguments - I HATE AND DETEST QLD!! I hate the tropics, the nearness to the equator and the god awful fucking hot weather! He told me, for his family, that simply wasnt a good enough excuse. I told him for somewhere Im going to live the rest of my life, the weather of each day is indeed, a great big hairy deal.
The reason he 'used' to say that and use that line, is because I confronted his stepdad at the drunken family thing last year. He actually snorted incredulously - "Oh, Darling" he said throwing his big arms around me "What a lie! Theres no pressure from us, none whatsoever. Go where you want to go, do what you want to do! In another year, we might sell this place and go around Australia, there's no telling WHERE we will be!" And thus, I threw this at Kmans feet so he had to admit, humbly, that he'd just been finding excuses.....Though why he chose North (like everyone I know seems to!) I have no idea.
Last night I asked him....Do you remember when we went to look at the houses down south? There were a few possibles that would have only added another half hours travel time to us, so we went for a look. We had passed Picton and the land started to get high.....The texture and colour of the grass changed and the air was alive....All around me was the whispering and thrumming singing of the land and my mouth stretched into an enormous smile as my eyes lit up. My breaths were deeper - I no longer felt the horrible emptiness within that causes me to chain smoke. I couldnt imagine ever polluting my lungs again now that they were being cleansed by the cold air. As we got out of the tiny car to grab brekkie at a small shopping centre I looked in wonder at the high hills shouldering up to the supermarket. Kman who had been asleep, climbed out and saw my expression for the first time. "well look at you" he said in wonder. I just couldnt stop smiling. My eyes felt open - wide open. I answered "i just cant help it.....The cold, can you feel it oh, cant you feel it? Cant you hear the SINGING?!" Kman was watching me indulgently, and mum had that grimace like I was faking it just to get attention. I learned from the best after all.
But last night, Kman remembered the place and the day but he did not remember my happiness. Today and last night he's moped and I'll just have to wait for him to spit it out as always. I think....He doesnt want to go to my best friends party this weekend. He doesnt have to go, but he doesnt trust me, so it becomes his own problem. Its going to be hard enough for me - back to the slums, the ol' suburb......And close enough to see the rim of the basin, close enough to breathe in the breath of the south that will begin to roll down to me the second I step foot there, close enough to hear the call....."come to me come to me come to me..."
And the agony of turning and going in the opposite direction to come home.
So today, I needed a pick me up. Instead of going through Real Estate I cant afford, I checked out country link prices and holidays, thinking, maybe I could go down for a visit....Of course, Im pretty sure I know what would happen. Head down for a visit, find employment oppurtunities, and never return. Its one of my most private little fantasies. Heres what I found....
(All pics are from visitmelbourne.com)
Snowy River Hut....
And Ive gone through the tours and accomodations available for the high country. Getting there isnt expensive, staying there isnt really, but it will require more savings than I have.
But Ive had another idea. An even better one. It may just be the craziest idea Ive ever had.
The people who do these horse rides.....Are they looking for staff by any chance? My 5 ponies would adore becoming pack and trail horses there.....
Its a fantasy, to be sure, but sometimes fantasies lead us into realities, and I think its worth looking at....At the moment I think Id do just about anything, just....To...Go....Home.
| 76 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I'm saving your last few posts for when I have time to read them properly.
Byee
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I appreciate it hon, good to see you!
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
wow amazing post friend. I`d do it if I were you. In fact I did it for two years and never looked back hon, best two years of my life so far!!!!
It`s easy to become entangled in a life that goes around in circles and us making everyone else`s life easier except out own. This is a cycle i find myself in and one I, too need to find a way out of.
If you are being called there so strongly there must be a reason. Do it while you are young enough to have time to make up for any mistakes and youd on`t have too many responsibilities tieing you down.
Good luck with it all, may whatever is best for you come to fruition! Heck if I werent going OS I`d probably pop down, jump on one of them horses and join you!
Ash
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
As usual its been a bust...At least I didnt invest anything! Im still planning on a holiday down there.
Thing is, I DO have responsabilities! Not that they tie me down so much but 5 horses plus ducks, pigeons, mynah birds.....Its more than just me!
I'll just change my plans, but thats ok. It does look awfully free on those horses doesnt it?