Hypocrisy Ramble
March 21st 2008 12:06
Its late.
The time when thoughts naturally deepen, or so I read somewhere.....
Perhaps, I should tell you about today...That seems to be a going theme. Today was ultimately, spectactular. I stayed up until about 3am sketching and didnt rise from blissful sleep until 1pm. The rain was drumming on the roof and the wind was distinctly cool. The horses have had some dramas but were easily sorted out. Dinner was simple and Ive spent the day relaxing completely in what I consider to be bliss.....
I should tell you....If you hang around here long enough, you'll get to know me....
For those of you who know me and know this blog, you'll know its a safe place for variety of expression. Whatever you've got to say, just say it. Even if we conflict, its better to do that, and get to a place where we agree to disagree. Ive been told on one of my posts where I describe self harm to 'slit my throat' and I did not delete this comment. Also when Ive fought with others, or others have fought each other, it has remained even if only for the memory, the emotion and true expression.
And if you want to say naughty things, well, by golly, that should be ok too! Even myself has revealed far too much of my real naked self, and without such soldiers as NickOfTime, I find my courage failing.
I recently had some Super Liminal (see The Simpsons) encouragement to do some editing. After the initial push I found I couldnt stop - Probably why Im so careful when I cut my hair. But theres been editing, theres been modifying, theres been brutal annihilation.
And by that very act do I make of myself a hypocrite - man, have you got any idea how much I HATE that? But this is my formal acknowledgement - if theres anything I hate more than people who delete posts, its people who do it without acknowledging it - And my formal apology. To those who read and commented and whose comments have now been lost your input was extremely valued and I thank you for your effort. Its an apology to myself, because even I knew how chicken I really was when I wrote the words, my instincts even then alerted me to the fact that I was out of my depth.
I am aware that despite my wild cutting I have left far too much but I believe it must be that way - The true thread of what I am trying to create as a 'portfolio of work' has remained. I want it to be dark, after all. Disturbed. Of the shadows. Like me.
Honest.....Or if not as honest as possible.
In the mean time there seems to be a part of me to which it never happened...All and every event of the last few months. Like its a movie I saw or something imagined....Only because today is a magical day, a day of sacrifice and suffering and reminders, and on days like today the fabric swirls and reveals hidden tears, and light cracks and glitters like frozen prisims, broken in time......And so its like today is actually another day. I dont have to BE anywhere or DO anything....And its not just for today. There is no great day looming like a cutoff point where this bliss is to come to an end. Im just free falling, spinning....Oh, doesnt it feel good when you're up so high?
And there we are back to freedom and prison again. But I cant feel it, not surrounded by love and immersed in my own will...
What a wonder.....To do my own will! I had almost forgotten it.
So Im rambling again...Slightly disgusted with myself...Again! But, I have to say, I am very entertained by myself this time, probably the most entertained Ive ever been.
See, you have to understand, to a person with imagination, everything has already happened. In every spare moment you have you've calculated every scenario on Earth. So Ive imagined So, So much...
And when events appear, right out of my imagination, I gottasay I get a little bit of a shock...
The event itself? Not important, usually, I get a kick out of it. Im so desperate not to laugh....Now come on, K, What will people think....? You just cant start laughing out loud at serious things like funerals....People will think you're weird.
What else is new?
But suddenly after such events Im struck by the certainty that if Destiny could rummage through my mind, find this scenario, and lay it down in real life, then couldnt she take others as well? Wouldnt it be just right up her alley, (along with Fate's) to choose something really nasty that has developed within my mind without real conciouss construction, and play one of those out?
But....
Whatever.
I mean, these bright imprints will fade into the semi remembered conciousness that is most of my life. Im so busy reaching for a deeper understanding I lose whole events in the infinity of the communal conciouss....At least, they tend to resurface, usually darkened and enticing but enchanting nonetheless....
And I am now left with the perfection of my own relaxation, a sense of centre and being free to do my own will....Whatever that means....
The time when thoughts naturally deepen, or so I read somewhere.....
Perhaps, I should tell you about today...That seems to be a going theme. Today was ultimately, spectactular. I stayed up until about 3am sketching and didnt rise from blissful sleep until 1pm. The rain was drumming on the roof and the wind was distinctly cool. The horses have had some dramas but were easily sorted out. Dinner was simple and Ive spent the day relaxing completely in what I consider to be bliss.....
I should tell you....If you hang around here long enough, you'll get to know me....
For those of you who know me and know this blog, you'll know its a safe place for variety of expression. Whatever you've got to say, just say it. Even if we conflict, its better to do that, and get to a place where we agree to disagree. Ive been told on one of my posts where I describe self harm to 'slit my throat' and I did not delete this comment. Also when Ive fought with others, or others have fought each other, it has remained even if only for the memory, the emotion and true expression.
And if you want to say naughty things, well, by golly, that should be ok too! Even myself has revealed far too much of my real naked self, and without such soldiers as NickOfTime, I find my courage failing.
I recently had some Super Liminal (see The Simpsons) encouragement to do some editing. After the initial push I found I couldnt stop - Probably why Im so careful when I cut my hair. But theres been editing, theres been modifying, theres been brutal annihilation.
And by that very act do I make of myself a hypocrite - man, have you got any idea how much I HATE that? But this is my formal acknowledgement - if theres anything I hate more than people who delete posts, its people who do it without acknowledging it - And my formal apology. To those who read and commented and whose comments have now been lost your input was extremely valued and I thank you for your effort. Its an apology to myself, because even I knew how chicken I really was when I wrote the words, my instincts even then alerted me to the fact that I was out of my depth.
I am aware that despite my wild cutting I have left far too much but I believe it must be that way - The true thread of what I am trying to create as a 'portfolio of work' has remained. I want it to be dark, after all. Disturbed. Of the shadows. Like me.
Honest.....Or if not as honest as possible.
In the mean time there seems to be a part of me to which it never happened...All and every event of the last few months. Like its a movie I saw or something imagined....Only because today is a magical day, a day of sacrifice and suffering and reminders, and on days like today the fabric swirls and reveals hidden tears, and light cracks and glitters like frozen prisims, broken in time......And so its like today is actually another day. I dont have to BE anywhere or DO anything....And its not just for today. There is no great day looming like a cutoff point where this bliss is to come to an end. Im just free falling, spinning....Oh, doesnt it feel good when you're up so high?
And there we are back to freedom and prison again. But I cant feel it, not surrounded by love and immersed in my own will...
What a wonder.....To do my own will! I had almost forgotten it.
So Im rambling again...Slightly disgusted with myself...Again! But, I have to say, I am very entertained by myself this time, probably the most entertained Ive ever been.
See, you have to understand, to a person with imagination, everything has already happened. In every spare moment you have you've calculated every scenario on Earth. So Ive imagined So, So much...
And when events appear, right out of my imagination, I gottasay I get a little bit of a shock...
The event itself? Not important, usually, I get a kick out of it. Im so desperate not to laugh....Now come on, K, What will people think....? You just cant start laughing out loud at serious things like funerals....People will think you're weird.
What else is new?
But suddenly after such events Im struck by the certainty that if Destiny could rummage through my mind, find this scenario, and lay it down in real life, then couldnt she take others as well? Wouldnt it be just right up her alley, (along with Fate's) to choose something really nasty that has developed within my mind without real conciouss construction, and play one of those out?
But....
Whatever.
I mean, these bright imprints will fade into the semi remembered conciousness that is most of my life. Im so busy reaching for a deeper understanding I lose whole events in the infinity of the communal conciouss....At least, they tend to resurface, usually darkened and enticing but enchanting nonetheless....
And I am now left with the perfection of my own relaxation, a sense of centre and being free to do my own will....Whatever that means....
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Comment by tlcorbin
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Thanks for the visit friend....Promise that the cryptitis isnt permanent.
Comment by tlcorbin
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
As a photographer the sky is always my favourite medium, and these pics are from Swallow Hill where I used to live, and I had a great view of the sky.
Here Im trapped in the jaws of a treed valley, so with my view obscured Im not quite so inspired....
And its ok, I think I got my foot out of my mouth....
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I haven;t been commenting much - although still voting - but am still here, on and off.
Very busy at my place this Easter with lots of comings and goings and like your random clouds... all over the place.
I have enjoyed your pictures and sketches as always... again I say, you have the makings of a great (unique) deck here.
I love the tree Kleo... one of my favourite things to sketch is trees... and clouds to paint...
Lovely
Lilla ...
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Thankyou - Im glad to have a heavy appreciation for pics and sketches because Im going to do more on it...Also poetry and narrative analysis. Getting into the technical stuff!
I havnt exactly been busy but stuffs been going on...And Ive got more on tarot building. These sketches will be part inspiration but Ive actually got an idea for a deck - with a sketch of course!