I AM
May 18th 2008 02:33
Heres the thing...
Im a horrible person, really I am. Ive been trying to tell you that, for a very long time. But people dont believe me, all sorts of incorrect words get thrown around, words like compassionate(well, I can be) kind (not often) gentle (never) and....Angelic? huh!
None of you live with me. I remember working in a massively male dominated workplace, good god damn every last one of them wanted into my pants and spent all day at it. I used to laugh openly at them - they had some kind of idea in their mind about what I was like (sweet and compliant) when the truth is, Im an utter shrew.
Number one rule of living on Earth - KNOW THYSELF. I know Im quick witted, short tempered, agressive, loud. When Im working, its suicide to piss me off. See, Ive always lived alone, since about 16 onwards, and I just cant stand people. Probably had a lot to do with being ostrasized at school too - always played by myself, got very used to doing my own thing without asking anothers opinion.
So now, we live in a fucking shoe box, every where I go, to make a coffee, to do my washing, goddamn ANYTHING, I trip over someone. I grit my teeth, say nothing, and damn, I do so well. When I feel like this, I simply dont understand someone picking a fight with me.....
Which is what Kman decided to do this morning.
I like the curtain open, just a bit. I like the cool breeze, the clouds swishing by and the messages on the wind. Seeing Tesh outside. He likes it closed. You wouldnt think it was worth arguing over would you? I sure didnt.
But we did. I kept my mouth shut, knowing it was useless. The whole time Im thinking, "What the hell is this really about?" because I honestly dont believe the curtain can be the cause. But he pushed until I exploded. Which meant he could go on about how damn greedy and selfish I am.
I work longer hours and more days a week than he does. I also take the opportunity to dig in I earn double what he does. He throws back that I had years off. Here we go, the mental illness argument.
I got the curtain open, but I cant listen to the radio.
The fact is.....
I am greedy. I am selfish. I bloody deserve to be. The reason I have long periods off is because my jobs are higher paid and more stressful than mums or Kmans. I burn out faster in these roles. Im hardly ever going to be home, and while I AM here, I deserve to have it just the way I like it.
And, let me tell you. This persona of mine is perfect for my job. Im out performing the other girls who started with me and while Im there I literally feel like Im on fire. Sometimes when Zayf cuddles me or Binky sings, I feel like Im going to burst into hopeless tears, but I swallow that bullshit quickly. Get over it. Push! More! I like this power....
Power is what Ive always wanted. I know I cant be trusted with it - absolute power corrupts absolutely, and Im not the kind of person that can use it and meekly give it back. I dont have to fight these little, petty battles with mum and Kman, these pathetic power plays. I already win. They think they have something over the lead horse, the one who always takes the most weight of the load, because I havnt been paid yet. Give it 3 months, and thats a generous estimate.
I will calmly and quietly take hold of this life by its corner edges and give it a nice, hard shake. They'll scream, they'll grab hold and try not to be shaken off. Most likely they'll cling like sea creatures. But I'll be moving us somewhere BIG where I have a nice big area all my own....
With a great, big, fat, locked door. The purpose of this post is to let all my loyal readers know, Im doing GREAT.....Im excelling, I am sucessful, and I am so, so good at what I do.....I am tired, I am strung out and I am uncertain at times, but Im making it flow, Im enjoying being at work more than Im enjoying being at home.......
But most of all, do not delude yourself. I adore solitude and its been so, so very long since Ive had it. I find it amazing that those who love me most - and hence, should know me - swallow the mask hook line and sinker, they believe, honestly, theres a good person in here, somewhere.....
Oh, Dear. They are going to be mightily disappionted.
Im a horrible person, really I am. Ive been trying to tell you that, for a very long time. But people dont believe me, all sorts of incorrect words get thrown around, words like compassionate(well, I can be) kind (not often) gentle (never) and....Angelic? huh!
None of you live with me. I remember working in a massively male dominated workplace, good god damn every last one of them wanted into my pants and spent all day at it. I used to laugh openly at them - they had some kind of idea in their mind about what I was like (sweet and compliant) when the truth is, Im an utter shrew.
Number one rule of living on Earth - KNOW THYSELF. I know Im quick witted, short tempered, agressive, loud. When Im working, its suicide to piss me off. See, Ive always lived alone, since about 16 onwards, and I just cant stand people. Probably had a lot to do with being ostrasized at school too - always played by myself, got very used to doing my own thing without asking anothers opinion.
So now, we live in a fucking shoe box, every where I go, to make a coffee, to do my washing, goddamn ANYTHING, I trip over someone. I grit my teeth, say nothing, and damn, I do so well. When I feel like this, I simply dont understand someone picking a fight with me.....
Which is what Kman decided to do this morning.
I like the curtain open, just a bit. I like the cool breeze, the clouds swishing by and the messages on the wind. Seeing Tesh outside. He likes it closed. You wouldnt think it was worth arguing over would you? I sure didnt.
But we did. I kept my mouth shut, knowing it was useless. The whole time Im thinking, "What the hell is this really about?" because I honestly dont believe the curtain can be the cause. But he pushed until I exploded. Which meant he could go on about how damn greedy and selfish I am.
I work longer hours and more days a week than he does. I also take the opportunity to dig in I earn double what he does. He throws back that I had years off. Here we go, the mental illness argument.
I got the curtain open, but I cant listen to the radio.
The fact is.....
I am greedy. I am selfish. I bloody deserve to be. The reason I have long periods off is because my jobs are higher paid and more stressful than mums or Kmans. I burn out faster in these roles. Im hardly ever going to be home, and while I AM here, I deserve to have it just the way I like it.
And, let me tell you. This persona of mine is perfect for my job. Im out performing the other girls who started with me and while Im there I literally feel like Im on fire. Sometimes when Zayf cuddles me or Binky sings, I feel like Im going to burst into hopeless tears, but I swallow that bullshit quickly. Get over it. Push! More! I like this power....
Power is what Ive always wanted. I know I cant be trusted with it - absolute power corrupts absolutely, and Im not the kind of person that can use it and meekly give it back. I dont have to fight these little, petty battles with mum and Kman, these pathetic power plays. I already win. They think they have something over the lead horse, the one who always takes the most weight of the load, because I havnt been paid yet. Give it 3 months, and thats a generous estimate.
I will calmly and quietly take hold of this life by its corner edges and give it a nice, hard shake. They'll scream, they'll grab hold and try not to be shaken off. Most likely they'll cling like sea creatures. But I'll be moving us somewhere BIG where I have a nice big area all my own....
With a great, big, fat, locked door. The purpose of this post is to let all my loyal readers know, Im doing GREAT.....Im excelling, I am sucessful, and I am so, so good at what I do.....I am tired, I am strung out and I am uncertain at times, but Im making it flow, Im enjoying being at work more than Im enjoying being at home.......
But most of all, do not delude yourself. I adore solitude and its been so, so very long since Ive had it. I find it amazing that those who love me most - and hence, should know me - swallow the mask hook line and sinker, they believe, honestly, theres a good person in here, somewhere.....
Oh, Dear. They are going to be mightily disappionted.
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Kalikapsychosis
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Zentertainment
Good for you.
Comment by tlcorbin
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Sleezer's World
Thankfully, I am sane and have papers to prove it. Life is good; Tisha and I have worked out a system that accommodates our personal quirks. We always try to leave work where it belongs, on a shelf of things that we do and not the shelf of who we are. We each have our personal spaces that are our personal sanctuaries and when we're holed up, we get permission to invade the others space: odd huh?
It's my contention that most ailments in this world are the direct result of encroachment into the lives of those around us and violating their 'personal space' to the point that cyclic healing is interrupted, allowing/causing tempers to flare.
When I crash and burn, it's total and I require time to heal. Anyone that screws with me about that discovers that it's best to let me heal. Prior to that burnout, when in that groove, I am absolutely manic and driven.
So, go have fun; kick ass until you flame out. And brace yourself and everyone around you for the next cycle. It's only fair.
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Thanks darl! Its just a ramble
Raven,
Really, the frustration in this post is like an unbelievable scoff. I cant believe we've come this far and STILL people dont know me.....My personal space is huge, my cycles are extremely regimented.....I didnt think it was so hard to work out!
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World
Raven