I must keep watching the sky....
April 30th 2007 03:02
I must keep watching the sky....Cos it might take me by surprise...I woke to sun but they predicted rain, Oh, how I love the dark days that cover the sun....But I cant let it take me by surprise....
Sigh.
I woke up this morning with rocks in my head. Everything seemed so hard to focus on, so hard to concentrate on. The icy air blowing through the place helped a bit, and I must have been going like a rocket outwardly cos I got the horses finished before 8:30....Thats amazing. But here I am, two mega sized coffees later, and my heads still full of rocks. Im supposed to be packing, Im supposed to be cleaning, BUT I DONT WANNA.....We are moving on SATURDAY like bloody hell, didnt that just come out of left field or right field or wherever the hell those unexpected balls come from....
This time next week only our ghosts will be left here....Will they eat out a piece of me, these violent elementals? Will part of my soul wander these barren wastes after I am gone, matching stride with the spirit fox? Or will they follow us then?
Power flows in winter....Where in summer I feel I should hibernate suddenly as temperatures drop I FEEL it....It flows....It seduces....It loves....It floods through my bones and through my blood and wafts from my skin like one of those cheap ass scent thingies from ambipur.
It fills my head with the strangest of images....When these images began to assualt me I thought I was WEIRD....Then I came to realize I LOVE being weird....Even I had no idea how weird it could get....Winters coming to me is like walking through that first hallway in the haunted house carnival ride.....Cue the corny maniac laughter, the shadowed edges and the cobwebs....But as I continue to walk my steps grow light and I am laughing too....The blood spashes and pours, bones are broken carelessly by supernatural arms and I look on the ripped fleshy meat and shattered bones with boredom and contempt....My smile is true ice. My eyes are the definition of fear.....
In the light of these images blazing in my eyes.....(The whispers in my head....They reach fever pitch) My fingers twitch. My arms ache. The long muscles of my thighs beg for use....My tongue tingles, waiting for that salty taste....Other parts of my body, seldom used suddenly flare to incredible life, as my body begs me....BEGS ME.....To fulfill these urges....Oh, how I long to see terror, to see fear and the destruction of innocence for no other reason than that it brings me PLEASURE........I feel my nails piercing skin with such clarity, what need is there for reality? Surely I could not be making this up, not in my imagination where usually there is only comfortable mansions and far too much money...Endless parties.....
And I LOVE to wallow.....I love to just lay there and dream....I do not have to add details or storylines like most daydreams, my fellow demons provide those to me as I sit back to watch like its a movie on a screen.....Then I write, then I draw....Images none but me shall ever see....And I wonder......How long till cracking point? The images have upped in intensity every year I have been alive.....How long until my body plays them out? How long until Im mouthing words to a psychiatrist - Oh, but the VOICES man, the VOICES made me do it...I couldnt get away from these images....Help me man Im so fucked up......
When I really.....Loved every minute of it. Cant wait to get away from you so I can do it all again.....Cos the images in my head get to a point where theyre so GOOD....But unsatisfying. I need MORE.....
And todays a great day to wallow really....So cold. So dark. I should be packing, I should be cleaning, what do I want?
I want to light a blazing fire.....(this has been my need for days but I havnt got round to it....) sit myself in front of it ALONE.....And take out my new Tarot cards that I got for christmas and still havnt used. I have a book ready to recieve my thoughts, a pen ready to transcribe them, I just need that solitude.....So I can sit and feel each card as powerful as a finger of god as I pull it from the deck and lay it before me....Look far into its shadowy, water riven depths as I accept my nature....I know what I am, I revel in my duty....So show me the dark bottom....The way, the power and the night.....
I must keep watching the sky. It could take me by surprise. The sun lulls me into a false sense of security, but should it rain I have to dash outside and throw the horses rugs on....A myriad of outdoor jobs before I can return within to dream once more....
But really I dont mind.....I want the rain.....I want to be sucked down....Seduced, loved, OH! Who ever said evil does not love! It loves FIERCELY and does not let you go.....It gives you plenty of rewards for your service.....As evil only serves good, anyway.....Silly, puny insignificant little humans, going and putting a ridiculous 'VS' symbol between good and evil like its a stupid fucking GAME......Dont you know good and evil need each other like night needs day and love needs war......Cant you see good and evil whirling through the universe dancing and loving and TO-ing and FRO-ing........The oceans tide drags us all....The currents of the One are fathomless and beyond comprehension.....
Memories tumble through my mind - The universe brought me here to a place called Orble....Various people here(People? Virtual people. Couldnt be real people....Just words, amalgamations, SUGGESTIONS of real people....) scratch itches in my head I previously couldnt reach. I recognise the faults of my own and the faults of my parent throughout my upbringing. I see why things were as they are, why things can open up in great wounds now when they were only scratches then. I see the great and complete unfairness - She does not recognise her own fault, cannot(willnot?) and so, it is unfair to make her pay for it....And that is my fault....
My delight....
I read in a great book, as Unseelie is compared to Seelie(Caress of Twilight, by Linda K Hamilton) that a Seelie spirit, if it happened to kill an unlucky human in its games, may shed tears for the poor mortal, but would soon be off to find another playmate....While the Unseelie fey.....If the mortal should die, the fun only continues.....
Do you not see the balance, and your place in it! Not one of us is GOOD all the time, nor BAD all the time, delete the 'VS' symbol....STOP THE WAR.....The war within you!
For you are not good.....You are not bad.....Understand, realize, the percentages of each within you.....
Human!
And I......I shall bite down on the very jugular of life and allow the dark and the light into me....Voraciously, hungrily, I chew on what I am given and enjoy my duty....
Oh, how bright the world when the sky is dark....When all souls think of what they fear and the air itself is like electricity with their barely supressed terror.......My fingers itch....My body does twitch....My demons beg me to fulfill the urges....Oh, how they beg me....
And I wish to fulfill....I do....But anticipation and imagination are so sweet....I am taken, I am yours Devil....This you know I always have been your love, your soldier.....He keeps you better than the Almighty one, worry not for that....Requiring only your loyalty no other silly rules.....The more rewards you reap the greater the deeds you must accomplish....And all returns to god again in the end anyway....Everybody wins, even those of us who serve the LOVER of the mother and her as she is with her LOVER rather than her HUSBAND.....
Oh, I enjoy my duty. I love dark days....I must watch the sky.....I want to catch it before it bursts above me....So I can finish off the day long before it has ended....
And use my new energies for reading my way through the great symbols.....And love the darkness even more.....
Enjoy your duties my beauties.....
Sigh.
I woke up this morning with rocks in my head. Everything seemed so hard to focus on, so hard to concentrate on. The icy air blowing through the place helped a bit, and I must have been going like a rocket outwardly cos I got the horses finished before 8:30....Thats amazing. But here I am, two mega sized coffees later, and my heads still full of rocks. Im supposed to be packing, Im supposed to be cleaning, BUT I DONT WANNA.....We are moving on SATURDAY like bloody hell, didnt that just come out of left field or right field or wherever the hell those unexpected balls come from....
This time next week only our ghosts will be left here....Will they eat out a piece of me, these violent elementals? Will part of my soul wander these barren wastes after I am gone, matching stride with the spirit fox? Or will they follow us then?
Power flows in winter....Where in summer I feel I should hibernate suddenly as temperatures drop I FEEL it....It flows....It seduces....It loves....It floods through my bones and through my blood and wafts from my skin like one of those cheap ass scent thingies from ambipur.
It fills my head with the strangest of images....When these images began to assualt me I thought I was WEIRD....Then I came to realize I LOVE being weird....Even I had no idea how weird it could get....Winters coming to me is like walking through that first hallway in the haunted house carnival ride.....Cue the corny maniac laughter, the shadowed edges and the cobwebs....But as I continue to walk my steps grow light and I am laughing too....The blood spashes and pours, bones are broken carelessly by supernatural arms and I look on the ripped fleshy meat and shattered bones with boredom and contempt....My smile is true ice. My eyes are the definition of fear.....
In the light of these images blazing in my eyes.....(The whispers in my head....They reach fever pitch) My fingers twitch. My arms ache. The long muscles of my thighs beg for use....My tongue tingles, waiting for that salty taste....Other parts of my body, seldom used suddenly flare to incredible life, as my body begs me....BEGS ME.....To fulfill these urges....Oh, how I long to see terror, to see fear and the destruction of innocence for no other reason than that it brings me PLEASURE........I feel my nails piercing skin with such clarity, what need is there for reality? Surely I could not be making this up, not in my imagination where usually there is only comfortable mansions and far too much money...Endless parties.....
And I LOVE to wallow.....I love to just lay there and dream....I do not have to add details or storylines like most daydreams, my fellow demons provide those to me as I sit back to watch like its a movie on a screen.....Then I write, then I draw....Images none but me shall ever see....And I wonder......How long till cracking point? The images have upped in intensity every year I have been alive.....How long until my body plays them out? How long until Im mouthing words to a psychiatrist - Oh, but the VOICES man, the VOICES made me do it...I couldnt get away from these images....Help me man Im so fucked up......
When I really.....Loved every minute of it. Cant wait to get away from you so I can do it all again.....Cos the images in my head get to a point where theyre so GOOD....But unsatisfying. I need MORE.....
And todays a great day to wallow really....So cold. So dark. I should be packing, I should be cleaning, what do I want?
I want to light a blazing fire.....(this has been my need for days but I havnt got round to it....) sit myself in front of it ALONE.....And take out my new Tarot cards that I got for christmas and still havnt used. I have a book ready to recieve my thoughts, a pen ready to transcribe them, I just need that solitude.....So I can sit and feel each card as powerful as a finger of god as I pull it from the deck and lay it before me....Look far into its shadowy, water riven depths as I accept my nature....I know what I am, I revel in my duty....So show me the dark bottom....The way, the power and the night.....
I must keep watching the sky. It could take me by surprise. The sun lulls me into a false sense of security, but should it rain I have to dash outside and throw the horses rugs on....A myriad of outdoor jobs before I can return within to dream once more....
But really I dont mind.....I want the rain.....I want to be sucked down....Seduced, loved, OH! Who ever said evil does not love! It loves FIERCELY and does not let you go.....It gives you plenty of rewards for your service.....As evil only serves good, anyway.....Silly, puny insignificant little humans, going and putting a ridiculous 'VS' symbol between good and evil like its a stupid fucking GAME......Dont you know good and evil need each other like night needs day and love needs war......Cant you see good and evil whirling through the universe dancing and loving and TO-ing and FRO-ing........The oceans tide drags us all....The currents of the One are fathomless and beyond comprehension.....
Memories tumble through my mind - The universe brought me here to a place called Orble....Various people here(People? Virtual people. Couldnt be real people....Just words, amalgamations, SUGGESTIONS of real people....) scratch itches in my head I previously couldnt reach. I recognise the faults of my own and the faults of my parent throughout my upbringing. I see why things were as they are, why things can open up in great wounds now when they were only scratches then. I see the great and complete unfairness - She does not recognise her own fault, cannot(willnot?) and so, it is unfair to make her pay for it....And that is my fault....
My delight....
I read in a great book, as Unseelie is compared to Seelie(Caress of Twilight, by Linda K Hamilton) that a Seelie spirit, if it happened to kill an unlucky human in its games, may shed tears for the poor mortal, but would soon be off to find another playmate....While the Unseelie fey.....If the mortal should die, the fun only continues.....
Do you not see the balance, and your place in it! Not one of us is GOOD all the time, nor BAD all the time, delete the 'VS' symbol....STOP THE WAR.....The war within you!
For you are not good.....You are not bad.....Understand, realize, the percentages of each within you.....
Human!
And I......I shall bite down on the very jugular of life and allow the dark and the light into me....Voraciously, hungrily, I chew on what I am given and enjoy my duty....
Oh, how bright the world when the sky is dark....When all souls think of what they fear and the air itself is like electricity with their barely supressed terror.......My fingers itch....My body does twitch....My demons beg me to fulfill the urges....Oh, how they beg me....
And I wish to fulfill....I do....But anticipation and imagination are so sweet....I am taken, I am yours Devil....This you know I always have been your love, your soldier.....He keeps you better than the Almighty one, worry not for that....Requiring only your loyalty no other silly rules.....The more rewards you reap the greater the deeds you must accomplish....And all returns to god again in the end anyway....Everybody wins, even those of us who serve the LOVER of the mother and her as she is with her LOVER rather than her HUSBAND.....
Oh, I enjoy my duty. I love dark days....I must watch the sky.....I want to catch it before it bursts above me....So I can finish off the day long before it has ended....
And use my new energies for reading my way through the great symbols.....And love the darkness even more.....
Enjoy your duties my beauties.....
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Comment by Wendi
(And have been all weekend, considering where I was!)
::hugs::
W
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Great to see you....Glad you had fun!
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
You and I are on opposite poles of the spectrum. I'm glad it's you and not me, I couldn't bear it and I don't know how you do.
Your head must be swirling, mind is relatively clear.
Mrs. M's love and stuff,
katyzzz........and you're so right.....none of us are real.
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I wondered how this post would affect you. I want you to understand, when these urges and images came on me I ran straight to the church, straight to the priest. Of course, I was told I was being 'tested' and must have a stronger faith....
When they never went away and bad things kept happening I assumed I had failed. My various councillors and psychiatrists had lots of theories but no ANSWERS. And still, to this day, the one thing NO ONE can explain is the images that force themselves upon me...Terrible things. And sensations on my body as if these things really are being played out. It is not explained by any disease.
Being the creature that I am, knowledgeable in the otherworldy(When I was about 4 I used to talk to my family with great authority on things that happened before I was born - yet I remembered them) I know there is no up or down...That my place has always been a darker one. It feels RIGHT and I just cant explain it.....
Finding Kman was the best thing that ever happened to me. We truly are soul mates, and cannot shock each other no matter how dark it gets. Without someone to truly share it with Im sure we'd both be insane criminals by now...
I find it so fascinating that people like you do not suffer these sorts of things AT ALL.....No sensations or images or urges....
And I love virtual people, but none of them are really real to any of us....
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Dark and very powerful.
I love that you embrace being weird. So many people want to be just like everyone else. It's not an easy road being different.
You're a Laurell K Hamilton fan too huh? I love her Anita Blake stuff, but I haven't read that book. I shall check it out.
Good luck with the move and everything else.
Kylie
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I dont know if you can call me a 'fan' cos thats the only one of her books Ive actually read, but its certainly inspired me to read more!
Thanks for the good luck, believe me, when your moving (large) animals you need it!
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
TERRIFIED
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis