In Sickness.....(Part 3)
September 12th 2007 00:22
On Monday, I enjoyed my day of working near the water. Pretty streets, pretty buildings, the awesome feel of being near the art gallery. On the way home Kman ended up on my train and I got a kick out of that. I saved a seat for him and endured the hard looks of other passengers, and saw their faces change as we embrace and kiss with huge enthusiasam. It always happens. Jealousy and pleasure.
When we got home, we were whirlwinds. Put ducks out, feed all the horses, fill up water troughs, rugs, unload the feed delivery. I take a quick neighbors break.
Its then I notice the pain. My left temple has grown hot and throbbing. I lean my far too heavy head on the back of the couch and ignore the bastard to the best of my ability.
When neighbors is over, I go out, wash spirits foot, put every one to bed, including ducks, and bolt in for a shower. Kmans cooking my dinner - whatta guy.
The longer the night goes on the worse my head feels. No no no I just tell it - this is not gonna fly. Not with me, not now! I bought a weekly ticket you sumbitch - no matter how sick I am, I aint gonna waste it!
When I awake, at 4:45am.....I sit up.....And pain rips down the left side of my face like a bear has swiped me, literally taking the top left half of my head and raking the claws through whats left. Breathless, I struggle to my clothes, throw on some dirty jeans and a jumper, and stagger out to feed.
I hurl hay biscuits and grain portions. I drag myself back up the stairs and into the computer room.
My clothes are layed out and the heater is on. Ive only switched on the lamp because I know my eyes cant bear the light. My normal routine now is to work out for half an hour, get dressed and have breakfast while I check my comments. The way my head keeps falling down, and pain lancing through my left eye, making me shake and freeze while I try to hold up my head, I know its not going to be possible. I decide to lay down for a bit, wake up in the bare minimum, get dressed and fly. As I crawl, shivering, under the covers, I think of buying breakfast and coffee in the city.
Enter the sleep which is not sleep. You certainly are not concious - yet the pain is so bad, you cant be unconciouss.
Anyone ever had a nice firm blow to the head? Ive had several. You know that feeling when you wake up after? Its similar to being blind drunk. The world has no anchor - it spins around you like a fucking gyroscope. Stars dance at the edges of your vision and for all you know you could be part of them. Hell, the experience could even be pleasurable.....If it wasnt for the terrible pain coming from your head and that sick awful feeling of your guts dropping out......
If I had not been well versed and educated to this feeling, I have no doubt I would have thrown up all over the bedroom. Since I know what to expect I was clinging to the porcelian god before I even knew Id gotten up. Shaking, trembling, trying not to touch my bare legs to the freezing tiles, I gagged. Never have I thrown up like that - my stomach knows how to get rid of shit it doesnt want. This time the bile barely made it into my throat before the duct gave out. I was literally, choking on it. I couldnt get it out of my throat thus I couldnt get a breath under over or through it to push it out!
After, stunned, shaken and aching, I staggered back to bed. Mum came to ask what was going on. Through my ruined throat I croaked and stammered - "Hav o osdal" Mum said shed get ready.
Imagine someone putting a rifle to the back of your head. Slightly to the left. Imagine feeling the metal of it, and the click and roar of them pulling the trigger. But imagine you dont die, and your flesh isnt torn and blown wide open in splatters of blood. Imagine you live to feel it. You live to see the bullet exit near your left eye, and go flying far far away. You get to feel the ruined mess of the exit wound as it gushes hot blood down your face, you get to feel every destroyed nerve ending screaming for release. And because theres no actual wound you get to feel the pressure as the blood builds up with no where to go. It just throbs like that. Throbs so hard you could swear your left eyeball is literally pulsing itsway out of your head.
I threw up again before we left. I dont know how long I waited in emergency, my head resting on my chest and my eyes closed, exiting betwixt and between. No sleep in so much pain, no conciousness either.
When I finally got in I endured the nurses questions. I forgot to tell her how bad my hayfever has been which could have been relevent.....And the final assement triage question...."How do you rate your pain on a scale of one to ten if ten is the worst you can imag -"
"Ten, Ten TEN"
Ok. Shes VERY concerned. Wants to give me shots. Turns out the doctor has another idea and I get treated to one of the most embarassing wonders of medical technology. Then they give me some asprin.
Again, in the waiting room. Betwixt, between.
I finally get in to the doctor. He turns off the lights for me bless him. Fluros are worse than the sun, that damn clean light and the accursed humming!
For all his concern, all I get is extra strong nuerofen and a referral to a nuerologist. Hes very sorry he cant answer my questions, but its just not his speciality. It was, most assuredly, an extra agressive migraine attack, and Im going to be eligeble for the really STRONG drugs now, and a pain management program of preventatives.
I dont believe him. I think its something else, and the migraine just came to the party. It does that.
Pity is, I dont know what it is. Thats why I went to the fucking hospital?
I tried to get into the nuerologist - hes booked up for 4 weeks! I was really hoping to get in this week on one of the days off he's given me, but that aint gonna happen.
So, today, I feel like Im living in a first stage migraine. Im so light sensitive the keys appear to be lit up. Im disorientated, confused, attacked by vertigo. Theres no pain however. The left side of my face feels like a distinct blank - empty. This is the wonder of nerve pain. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Because, at the same time it cuts and slices and bruises, it can change its blade and simply cut a tingling numbness into you. You know it SHOULD hurt, it SHOULD be painful, and instead a long numb knife slices through you. You know its the pain, just disgused - you can even feel the bruising all around it as it carves you up, but all you get are intermittant aches mixed in with confusion, disorientation, vertigo.......And unbelievable sensitivity to light and sound.
Last night, horror of horrors, magnus went off his feed. Today he is coughing. Im heading out to do heart rate, breathing rate, and temperature. If his temperature is raised by even one degree, we have to call the vet. If he has the flu, we become a quarantine centre for the next 55 days.
It feels like the universe is trying to tell me something.
When we got home, we were whirlwinds. Put ducks out, feed all the horses, fill up water troughs, rugs, unload the feed delivery. I take a quick neighbors break.
Its then I notice the pain. My left temple has grown hot and throbbing. I lean my far too heavy head on the back of the couch and ignore the bastard to the best of my ability.
When neighbors is over, I go out, wash spirits foot, put every one to bed, including ducks, and bolt in for a shower. Kmans cooking my dinner - whatta guy.
The longer the night goes on the worse my head feels. No no no I just tell it - this is not gonna fly. Not with me, not now! I bought a weekly ticket you sumbitch - no matter how sick I am, I aint gonna waste it!
When I awake, at 4:45am.....I sit up.....And pain rips down the left side of my face like a bear has swiped me, literally taking the top left half of my head and raking the claws through whats left. Breathless, I struggle to my clothes, throw on some dirty jeans and a jumper, and stagger out to feed.
I hurl hay biscuits and grain portions. I drag myself back up the stairs and into the computer room.
My clothes are layed out and the heater is on. Ive only switched on the lamp because I know my eyes cant bear the light. My normal routine now is to work out for half an hour, get dressed and have breakfast while I check my comments. The way my head keeps falling down, and pain lancing through my left eye, making me shake and freeze while I try to hold up my head, I know its not going to be possible. I decide to lay down for a bit, wake up in the bare minimum, get dressed and fly. As I crawl, shivering, under the covers, I think of buying breakfast and coffee in the city.
Enter the sleep which is not sleep. You certainly are not concious - yet the pain is so bad, you cant be unconciouss.
Anyone ever had a nice firm blow to the head? Ive had several. You know that feeling when you wake up after? Its similar to being blind drunk. The world has no anchor - it spins around you like a fucking gyroscope. Stars dance at the edges of your vision and for all you know you could be part of them. Hell, the experience could even be pleasurable.....If it wasnt for the terrible pain coming from your head and that sick awful feeling of your guts dropping out......
If I had not been well versed and educated to this feeling, I have no doubt I would have thrown up all over the bedroom. Since I know what to expect I was clinging to the porcelian god before I even knew Id gotten up. Shaking, trembling, trying not to touch my bare legs to the freezing tiles, I gagged. Never have I thrown up like that - my stomach knows how to get rid of shit it doesnt want. This time the bile barely made it into my throat before the duct gave out. I was literally, choking on it. I couldnt get it out of my throat thus I couldnt get a breath under over or through it to push it out!
After, stunned, shaken and aching, I staggered back to bed. Mum came to ask what was going on. Through my ruined throat I croaked and stammered - "Hav o osdal" Mum said shed get ready.
Imagine someone putting a rifle to the back of your head. Slightly to the left. Imagine feeling the metal of it, and the click and roar of them pulling the trigger. But imagine you dont die, and your flesh isnt torn and blown wide open in splatters of blood. Imagine you live to feel it. You live to see the bullet exit near your left eye, and go flying far far away. You get to feel the ruined mess of the exit wound as it gushes hot blood down your face, you get to feel every destroyed nerve ending screaming for release. And because theres no actual wound you get to feel the pressure as the blood builds up with no where to go. It just throbs like that. Throbs so hard you could swear your left eyeball is literally pulsing itsway out of your head.
I threw up again before we left. I dont know how long I waited in emergency, my head resting on my chest and my eyes closed, exiting betwixt and between. No sleep in so much pain, no conciousness either.
When I finally got in I endured the nurses questions. I forgot to tell her how bad my hayfever has been which could have been relevent.....And the final assement triage question...."How do you rate your pain on a scale of one to ten if ten is the worst you can imag -"
"Ten, Ten TEN"
Ok. Shes VERY concerned. Wants to give me shots. Turns out the doctor has another idea and I get treated to one of the most embarassing wonders of medical technology. Then they give me some asprin.
Again, in the waiting room. Betwixt, between.
I finally get in to the doctor. He turns off the lights for me bless him. Fluros are worse than the sun, that damn clean light and the accursed humming!
For all his concern, all I get is extra strong nuerofen and a referral to a nuerologist. Hes very sorry he cant answer my questions, but its just not his speciality. It was, most assuredly, an extra agressive migraine attack, and Im going to be eligeble for the really STRONG drugs now, and a pain management program of preventatives.
I dont believe him. I think its something else, and the migraine just came to the party. It does that.
Pity is, I dont know what it is. Thats why I went to the fucking hospital?
I tried to get into the nuerologist - hes booked up for 4 weeks! I was really hoping to get in this week on one of the days off he's given me, but that aint gonna happen.
So, today, I feel like Im living in a first stage migraine. Im so light sensitive the keys appear to be lit up. Im disorientated, confused, attacked by vertigo. Theres no pain however. The left side of my face feels like a distinct blank - empty. This is the wonder of nerve pain. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Because, at the same time it cuts and slices and bruises, it can change its blade and simply cut a tingling numbness into you. You know it SHOULD hurt, it SHOULD be painful, and instead a long numb knife slices through you. You know its the pain, just disgused - you can even feel the bruising all around it as it carves you up, but all you get are intermittant aches mixed in with confusion, disorientation, vertigo.......And unbelievable sensitivity to light and sound.
Last night, horror of horrors, magnus went off his feed. Today he is coughing. Im heading out to do heart rate, breathing rate, and temperature. If his temperature is raised by even one degree, we have to call the vet. If he has the flu, we become a quarantine centre for the next 55 days.
It feels like the universe is trying to tell me something.
| 45 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
If your previous posts are anything to go by I`d say... Um... Lynne probably needs you more than the police.
Good luck hun I hope you feel better today. Although you probably know this already.... there has been a small outbreak up on the farms here and I think we are in lock down.... re: your upcoming trip.
Good luck, hope it turns out well and we can all meet over a drink and have a chat instead.
Feel better soon... you and the babes!
Hugs
Ash xxx
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I dont think I could go back to Lynne now.....Im not sure she wants me!
Ive got things sorted for now, but the trips on maybe at the moment.