Jen
September 7th 2007 04:11
On Monday I met Jen.
Shes from my most hated part of society - more money than they know what to do with. Comments like "Oh, I'll just buy a new one" "If my horses rip a rug, I have to get them a new one" and "Oh, I dont mind paying the extra" have driven into my chest like daggers. She has a great sympathy and sorrow for all those who do not have her oppurtunities, and that is something I respect immensely. Its more than most people like her have given me.
She has such passion - and such soft, white, unmarked skin. Such a perfect and clean soul. She doesnt mind if she doesnt get much sleep - she's so well cared for, she doesnt need sleep to rest. She's secure, and safe, and knows no matter what, the rent is paid, theres food in the cupboard, and she'll never have to worry about getting wet and cold. In her world, theres always money for a new pair of shoes or an umbrella.
The further down the earning bracket you go, the more sleep is needed.
I was a bit standoffish - not wanting to reveal my wolflike status - as I said, sheep are easily fooled. But yesterday, pumped up on the power of being paid I was enthusiastic, bubbly. I revealed more than I had all week. We had connected over horses of course, but not much else. Despite the massive differences of background and person, we seemed to click.
Throughout the week I thought often......I was once her...... Not like her or similar to her - Once I really was her. I trusted ultimately, I had faith, I had security. I was able to believe everything was going to be ok and people were generally good because I was so well looked after I couldnt concieve of anything else. Once I had the untouched beauty of a princess.
Over the years of degradation from rich family to very poor one, black circles appeared under my eyes. I can get rid of them for a short time but they always return. My hands look like a mans - an old ploughmans in fact - scarred and calloused and hard and capable. My heart also became hard against just about everything, since everything seemed to be so heavily against me.
And people like Jen? Well, quite simply, I hated them. Wished for them to have their world turned upside down. Make THEM see what it feels like to have comfort and security dissappear with no hope of return. I hated that the promise to them had been KEPT, when mine had not.
It was sitting across from her, telling her utterly shocking(to her anyway) stories, ranging from wild days at TAFE to having the power suddenly go out cos mum had no money for the bill, not to mention never being able to afford a phone, that I realized....
When I was Jen, I wished to be me. I wanted to be rebellious, I wanted to be dark and interesting. It struck me so hard - I am one of those crazy, scrappily dressed, colourful personalities with a million crazy stories. The person whose hair is untidy and clothes mismatched with a firm look on her face that none of that shit matters.
I am everything I have striven to be. I am everything I wanted to be.
So why am I disappionted in myself? Why am I not happy about it? Getting what I want, you'd assume me to be delirious, but it didnt happen like that. Am I dissatisfied at the roads Ive had to walk, the deeds Ive had to do, to become this person?
All I knew was I felt a fierce jealousy as I gazed at her - Her soft white skin - those hands have never had to replace 1km of barbed wire fencing in cyclone force winds and driving rain! Her trust and faith and love - Once, I too, had never been stepped on, and believed all people were good. Her wide innocent eyes, pure with the wonder of the world - Oh, my dear, dont you know I too once had eyes that were not shaded by darkness? Didnt you know, once, I did not have to hide from the burning light?
I cant even remember myself like that, that girl is so far gone.
And I know - KNOW - that this lovely girl 7 years my junior will transform as I had to - shes chosen a difficult industry, and has enough spirit to never give up. She will not let herself. Thus, she will change. It is unavoidable.
But it was an interesting journey for me. To say the least.
Heard that quote from 'Californication?'
"Well, Im disgusted with my life, and myself.....But Im not unhappy about that."
Couldnt have said it better myself.
Shes from my most hated part of society - more money than they know what to do with. Comments like "Oh, I'll just buy a new one" "If my horses rip a rug, I have to get them a new one" and "Oh, I dont mind paying the extra" have driven into my chest like daggers. She has a great sympathy and sorrow for all those who do not have her oppurtunities, and that is something I respect immensely. Its more than most people like her have given me.
She has such passion - and such soft, white, unmarked skin. Such a perfect and clean soul. She doesnt mind if she doesnt get much sleep - she's so well cared for, she doesnt need sleep to rest. She's secure, and safe, and knows no matter what, the rent is paid, theres food in the cupboard, and she'll never have to worry about getting wet and cold. In her world, theres always money for a new pair of shoes or an umbrella.
The further down the earning bracket you go, the more sleep is needed.
I was a bit standoffish - not wanting to reveal my wolflike status - as I said, sheep are easily fooled. But yesterday, pumped up on the power of being paid I was enthusiastic, bubbly. I revealed more than I had all week. We had connected over horses of course, but not much else. Despite the massive differences of background and person, we seemed to click.
Throughout the week I thought often......I was once her...... Not like her or similar to her - Once I really was her. I trusted ultimately, I had faith, I had security. I was able to believe everything was going to be ok and people were generally good because I was so well looked after I couldnt concieve of anything else. Once I had the untouched beauty of a princess.
Over the years of degradation from rich family to very poor one, black circles appeared under my eyes. I can get rid of them for a short time but they always return. My hands look like a mans - an old ploughmans in fact - scarred and calloused and hard and capable. My heart also became hard against just about everything, since everything seemed to be so heavily against me.
And people like Jen? Well, quite simply, I hated them. Wished for them to have their world turned upside down. Make THEM see what it feels like to have comfort and security dissappear with no hope of return. I hated that the promise to them had been KEPT, when mine had not.
It was sitting across from her, telling her utterly shocking(to her anyway) stories, ranging from wild days at TAFE to having the power suddenly go out cos mum had no money for the bill, not to mention never being able to afford a phone, that I realized....
When I was Jen, I wished to be me. I wanted to be rebellious, I wanted to be dark and interesting. It struck me so hard - I am one of those crazy, scrappily dressed, colourful personalities with a million crazy stories. The person whose hair is untidy and clothes mismatched with a firm look on her face that none of that shit matters.
I am everything I have striven to be. I am everything I wanted to be.
So why am I disappionted in myself? Why am I not happy about it? Getting what I want, you'd assume me to be delirious, but it didnt happen like that. Am I dissatisfied at the roads Ive had to walk, the deeds Ive had to do, to become this person?
All I knew was I felt a fierce jealousy as I gazed at her - Her soft white skin - those hands have never had to replace 1km of barbed wire fencing in cyclone force winds and driving rain! Her trust and faith and love - Once, I too, had never been stepped on, and believed all people were good. Her wide innocent eyes, pure with the wonder of the world - Oh, my dear, dont you know I too once had eyes that were not shaded by darkness? Didnt you know, once, I did not have to hide from the burning light?
I cant even remember myself like that, that girl is so far gone.
And I know - KNOW - that this lovely girl 7 years my junior will transform as I had to - shes chosen a difficult industry, and has enough spirit to never give up. She will not let herself. Thus, she will change. It is unavoidable.
But it was an interesting journey for me. To say the least.
Heard that quote from 'Californication?'
"Well, Im disgusted with my life, and myself.....But Im not unhappy about that."
Couldnt have said it better myself.
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Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
Life sure is an interesting one. I wonder if we can ever be truly happy with who we are when we are always discovering new parts of ourselves. You seem to have explored both sides of the scale now - perhaps finding a balance will be your new transformation?
Good luck K. Be true to yourself and you can never go wrong!
Ash
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
True to myself....Thats a difficult concept hey? I dont think its ever that simple!
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
I really liked this post. I very much relate to it.
It's a scary thing when you realise you are old enough to "reflect" on your life.
But I agree that being true to yourself is necessary but it can be a scary place to be.
I find as I get older I start to see "cracks". I start to understand why I am the way I am. I definitely see more flaws and weaknesses.
I am really big on self discovery. Most interesting trip you'll ever take.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
This is an issue thats been getting at me for some time. It wasnt until I saw her that it all became clear.....