Last Day.....
May 9th 2008 02:36
Damn. This hurts more than I thought.
I want to make something very clear.
Ive avoided the 'professional' world for a very long time. Even if Im way to big a person to fit behind a register, or hide in a warehouse, thats where Ive remained. Ive felt superior to the people swanning by in suits with their dicky little electronic keys around their necks. Ive thought - Im free, you fools!
But really, Ive coveted their beautiful clothes, the fine fabrics and cuts. Their neat nails, and clean, un scarred hands. Ive been jealous of their eazy, flamboyent lives, where all thats required to be done on the weekend is find a coffee house. They moan about household duties but its nothing compared to the standard duties when there are ducks cats pigeons and mynah birds involved.
My heart is keening. I know Im going to change. Its the final leg.
Ive always gone for the bad guys in the movies, but my favourite of bad guys are the Mr Burns types. Its all about money and protecting themselves and their interests. The power, though useful, is merely a side effect of the success of greed.
And when I started my last job, I told you guys - I think Im turning into one of those really bad guys. Sure, its what Ive always wanted, but Im not sure I like it.
And now Im employed by an industry that worships the root of all evil, an industry that nourishes consumerisim and encourages debt.
(because we collect them. With a handsome comission.)
Im hurting, because the voices are laughing. Sure, I'll have days at home again, days to be me. But its all changing. The voices are telling me - "You will cry for the loss of these simple days. You will cry for the loss of this simple girl. A day will come when you wail and wish you never left this place"
I have no reservations leaving here once I have the money. I hate what this place looks like, what it represents. The cheap fibro, the rusty wire fences. We LIVE like poor people, hemmed in, too many people and animals on too small a place, straw on the floors and filth in the window cracks. We LOOK like hobos. One of my precious horses - the most VALUABLE horse no less - has a star picket injury. UNFORGIVEABLE!! I should never have allowed it to happen.
But a hobo life is an easy one. The not caring.
And my birds.....My Kookas, King Kooka and Missy. Alfred the magpie. And my flock of Koels...8 come down 3 times a day to be fed by hand. Im not even moving yet and I miss them.
I see it, I see the path. Its everything Ive asked for. The price is acceptable, and finally agreed upon, and those Above and I have reached agreement after so many years of haggle and shook on it. They say after the deals done - "We may need more from you in the future....Contracts may need to be redrawn" To their surprise, I answered. "And I may yet need more. Further negotiations are not out of the picture"
I never, ever, wanted to be this simple girl. Ive always stood out far too much to just be her. Ive always wanted to rip off her skin and reveal the gorgeous monster beneath, the one who buys and sells souls at a competitive rate.
If thats true, why have I hung on to her so long? Why continue to take the little job, the nobody job, hide away from real responsability? If I hated her that much, you'd think I would have got rid of her long before now.
Today seems unbelievably peaceful. Theres things that need doing - I worked 2 hours straight before I even got a coffee this morning. Horses, garbage, washing....It just went on and on and Ive still gotta sweep and mop and chop some wood....Im feeling guilty cos mum spakked it last night.
Oh, she was excited at first......
Then it came. "Who will be doing the kitchen? The ducks? The floors? I suppose I will be exclusively doing the horses? We will need to discuss this. I did so well when you were at your last job -"
"You told me you couldnt stand getting up at 4am!!"
"But I could go back to bed"
"You told ME YOU COULDNT SLEEP! You told me it was horrible! That it was killing you!"
"Oh no I enjoyed it. It was fine. Now WHO KNOWS whats going to happen."
Women by their definition are supposed to be infuriating. But it never amazes me that she hasnt found a man to overlook her particular brand of infuriation - I dont see how anyone could cope with this kind of hypocrisy full time. And she never forgives.
So thats made me feel guilty, like I should clean the house from top to bottom. Theres a few things I want to do, but we need wood. Heres another example of how even though 3 people live here, only 1 of them does anything. You have mums evidence.
Last night Kman wants the fire stoked up, it almost went out you see. So he threw wood on it. In frustration, I broke up the embers and gave it oxygen. He asked what I was doing but seemed confused when I told him. I asked him to go out on the deck - 2 ft away - and get me some wood. He frowned, damn near stomped his foot. "Dont wanna"
"KMAN!" I roared. " I collect it, I fucking chop it, and I GO OUT 4 TIMES A NIGHT TO GET MORE! I think you can go once!"
He went. Grumbling.
I dont mind chopping wood, I plan to do it today. Theres too much to fit into the rest of today -
-clean house, bathroom, loungeroom and jaras room. Vacuum mop etc
-spend time with Zayfe
-collect wood, chop wood.
Its my belief most women will never know the thrill and power of splitting logs. I was cutting in the feedshed the other day and decided to try the blockbuster. Because Im little, I need a continous chopping action (which, ladies, is miraculous for your arms and abs) to split any size log. I found I was in serious danger with the block buster - its too heavy for me to swing it a full circle, unlike the axe.
But it certainly is exciting, striking sparks off concrete and that SMACK! When the wood finally breaks.
Kman doesnt get it. He always splits them first go.
And Im cranky at both of them - Ive run this house while Im off, and I havnt cost either of them a cent, yet on my last week of bliss they whipped me into a frenzy so I couldnt enjoy it.
Not happy people, not happy at all.
But power is calling.....Im about to outearn my man and my mum. Thats what mums really afraid of, no power. Me, again, with the money to DO THINGS. Which usually means moving house and total life changes. Kman, whether he loves it or hates it, doesnt argue with power. Mum, love it or hate it, will argue for the sake of argument.
Im prepared to give myself up for a little while, to get secure so I can be the at home girl again, and write and train.
But I feel like once I jump, I cant come back.
Too late though. Ive jumped.
I want to make something very clear.
Ive avoided the 'professional' world for a very long time. Even if Im way to big a person to fit behind a register, or hide in a warehouse, thats where Ive remained. Ive felt superior to the people swanning by in suits with their dicky little electronic keys around their necks. Ive thought - Im free, you fools!
But really, Ive coveted their beautiful clothes, the fine fabrics and cuts. Their neat nails, and clean, un scarred hands. Ive been jealous of their eazy, flamboyent lives, where all thats required to be done on the weekend is find a coffee house. They moan about household duties but its nothing compared to the standard duties when there are ducks cats pigeons and mynah birds involved.
My heart is keening. I know Im going to change. Its the final leg.
Ive always gone for the bad guys in the movies, but my favourite of bad guys are the Mr Burns types. Its all about money and protecting themselves and their interests. The power, though useful, is merely a side effect of the success of greed.
And when I started my last job, I told you guys - I think Im turning into one of those really bad guys. Sure, its what Ive always wanted, but Im not sure I like it.
And now Im employed by an industry that worships the root of all evil, an industry that nourishes consumerisim and encourages debt.
(because we collect them. With a handsome comission.)
Im hurting, because the voices are laughing. Sure, I'll have days at home again, days to be me. But its all changing. The voices are telling me - "You will cry for the loss of these simple days. You will cry for the loss of this simple girl. A day will come when you wail and wish you never left this place"
I have no reservations leaving here once I have the money. I hate what this place looks like, what it represents. The cheap fibro, the rusty wire fences. We LIVE like poor people, hemmed in, too many people and animals on too small a place, straw on the floors and filth in the window cracks. We LOOK like hobos. One of my precious horses - the most VALUABLE horse no less - has a star picket injury. UNFORGIVEABLE!! I should never have allowed it to happen.
But a hobo life is an easy one. The not caring.
And my birds.....My Kookas, King Kooka and Missy. Alfred the magpie. And my flock of Koels...8 come down 3 times a day to be fed by hand. Im not even moving yet and I miss them.
I see it, I see the path. Its everything Ive asked for. The price is acceptable, and finally agreed upon, and those Above and I have reached agreement after so many years of haggle and shook on it. They say after the deals done - "We may need more from you in the future....Contracts may need to be redrawn" To their surprise, I answered. "And I may yet need more. Further negotiations are not out of the picture"
I never, ever, wanted to be this simple girl. Ive always stood out far too much to just be her. Ive always wanted to rip off her skin and reveal the gorgeous monster beneath, the one who buys and sells souls at a competitive rate.
If thats true, why have I hung on to her so long? Why continue to take the little job, the nobody job, hide away from real responsability? If I hated her that much, you'd think I would have got rid of her long before now.
Today seems unbelievably peaceful. Theres things that need doing - I worked 2 hours straight before I even got a coffee this morning. Horses, garbage, washing....It just went on and on and Ive still gotta sweep and mop and chop some wood....Im feeling guilty cos mum spakked it last night.
Oh, she was excited at first......
Then it came. "Who will be doing the kitchen? The ducks? The floors? I suppose I will be exclusively doing the horses? We will need to discuss this. I did so well when you were at your last job -"
"You told me you couldnt stand getting up at 4am!!"
"But I could go back to bed"
"You told ME YOU COULDNT SLEEP! You told me it was horrible! That it was killing you!"
"Oh no I enjoyed it. It was fine. Now WHO KNOWS whats going to happen."
Women by their definition are supposed to be infuriating. But it never amazes me that she hasnt found a man to overlook her particular brand of infuriation - I dont see how anyone could cope with this kind of hypocrisy full time. And she never forgives.
So thats made me feel guilty, like I should clean the house from top to bottom. Theres a few things I want to do, but we need wood. Heres another example of how even though 3 people live here, only 1 of them does anything. You have mums evidence.
Last night Kman wants the fire stoked up, it almost went out you see. So he threw wood on it. In frustration, I broke up the embers and gave it oxygen. He asked what I was doing but seemed confused when I told him. I asked him to go out on the deck - 2 ft away - and get me some wood. He frowned, damn near stomped his foot. "Dont wanna"
"KMAN!" I roared. " I collect it, I fucking chop it, and I GO OUT 4 TIMES A NIGHT TO GET MORE! I think you can go once!"
He went. Grumbling.
I dont mind chopping wood, I plan to do it today. Theres too much to fit into the rest of today -
-clean house, bathroom, loungeroom and jaras room. Vacuum mop etc
-spend time with Zayfe
-collect wood, chop wood.
Its my belief most women will never know the thrill and power of splitting logs. I was cutting in the feedshed the other day and decided to try the blockbuster. Because Im little, I need a continous chopping action (which, ladies, is miraculous for your arms and abs) to split any size log. I found I was in serious danger with the block buster - its too heavy for me to swing it a full circle, unlike the axe.
But it certainly is exciting, striking sparks off concrete and that SMACK! When the wood finally breaks.
Kman doesnt get it. He always splits them first go.
And Im cranky at both of them - Ive run this house while Im off, and I havnt cost either of them a cent, yet on my last week of bliss they whipped me into a frenzy so I couldnt enjoy it.
Not happy people, not happy at all.
But power is calling.....Im about to outearn my man and my mum. Thats what mums really afraid of, no power. Me, again, with the money to DO THINGS. Which usually means moving house and total life changes. Kman, whether he loves it or hates it, doesnt argue with power. Mum, love it or hate it, will argue for the sake of argument.
Im prepared to give myself up for a little while, to get secure so I can be the at home girl again, and write and train.
But I feel like once I jump, I cant come back.
Too late though. Ive jumped.
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Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Someone told me once that the power I feel will lessen as I get older. But that hasnt been true, for every year Im alive I seem to grow more sensitive to everything around me and acquire more skills by which to use it. This week Ive felt especially wired, like all the promises Ive made are being fulfilled.
Its like a metamorphasis, but as if I always KNEW it was going to happen, expected it everyday, so now its come, Im not surprised by the way it goes.
And Im not nervous, afraid or anxious, I have perfect confidence, and that worries me more than anything!
By the way....I broke the blockbuster!
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Sleezer's World
Raven
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
I loved this read... I could feel your frustration and confusion and clarity and freedom and emprisonment all at once.
Hopefully this is the stepping stone to what you really want
Ash
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Time will tell!