Memories of Today (when life is good)
August 1st 2007 03:24
How is it that memory is so closely linked to common moments of time? By that I mean that obviously, scent and sight and blending of these senses create links to memory, but for me, the perfect weather of today makes it feel exactly like a few years ago. As if I could spend a second too long on a blink and all of this would be gone when I opened my eyes.....That instead Id see the old suburban street and people who live there, have different woes and worries that have little to do with money and property and more to do with outfits and who loves who. I mean that today is that day, and the other day, so long ago. The FEEL of it, is exact. So no matter how far I come through the years of time or travel in Earthly miles, these feelings will continue to pursue me. Its a certain magical feel to the air, and Im not going to describe every single one of them. Just today.
Today is unbelievably mild. The sun is not hot, not a specific presence, but the air is warm. Theres a touch of cold in winters spaces, and even though winters been FAR too short, and Im heartbroken to feel her death throes and terrified of summer himself, I cant help but enjoy today.
On a day like today years ago I woke up, and decided not to go to TAFE. I decided to go and see this new boy Id been seeing - not quite my boyfriend because I still had a few of those. But I knew the way to his house, it wasnt a far walk, maybe I could even scratch up enough change for a bus. He lives in a gorgeous house, with cable TV. I knew he'd be happy to see me, whether he was veging out or painting his models or smoking with his friends, Id be welcome. Id put on something half decent, walk slowly and enjoying every minute of the day, savouring the winter in it, repelling the summer in it, and write in my head as I made my way. Having a myriad of thoughts that really should have been written down but could never remember.
Once arriving Id get smoking with the crew, find a comfy spot near my man, and argue about what to watch on the cable. Perhaps Kman would paint while we argued, only very rarely raising his head and flinty, gem like eyes to show us he's listening to every word. I could stay the night, they're always happy to have dinner guests, and they seem to like me.....Easier than dealing with mum at any rate. And that house, oh, that house at night! The comfort of the curved loungeroom. The lights of the candles on the back deck and the open yet sheltered freedom of it, the peace of the garden plants. The 'family' feel achieved by people seemingly everywhere at once......
A few years later on this day that house was mine. All the gorgeous furniture belonging to Kmans mum was gone and she showed her size in massive open spaces that I filled with myself. My cats loved it, and never even looked out the windows. On a day very like today I realized Id locked myself out, and broke in through a window. There was no time to savour....No time to analyse, no time to write in my head. There was only bills, today tomorrow and ahead.
And on a day like today only last year I took joy in the day itself and tried to forget.....That we had nothing, nothing, nothing.......That we would surely fail if I did not do something anything........
But far more I remember those days long before........I was a full time student. The horses had yet to be moved to the stud, or just had been. Either way, someone was very well paid to look after them. Kman and I were in the early beginnings of our relationship that was not a relationship at all......BoyA began his worst ever torture and after the peace given me by Kman and his family I was beginning to wonder why I had to put up with it. I was in limbo see.....I could not let go of him, no matter how terrifying he was, until I was sure, utterly sure, Kman loved me.
I said once it was his family who snared me as his perfect mate. But the fact I hide is that I snared HIM. It was not uncommon for me to cast on boys I liked - No, you do not need to remind me thats against the rules, rules are made to be broken, and its why they are all still obsessed with me - But on Kman I worked energies I never thought Id have to. With most boys its tweak here and a twig there and you own them. Not so Kman. He was a huge extremely slippery serpent who wrapped around me and was gone from my grasp before I realized what happened. I had to play, taunt, tease, get him following me, enchanted by the dance itself. Then once I had caught that whirling tail (oh, so softly) I had to make him unaware I had it, sing like a siren and weave gently, Oh, so gently stroke the strings to create a net that could hold him.....And all was done on days like today. Really, it was no different to what I did to the other boys, it merely required more care, more detail, more time.
Once binding him to me with threads he could not even see, making him feel as if I was the air he breathed (and never ever once slipping up and saying I love you - but it was damn close!) comes the final play. I was beginning to get frustrated and jealous. Was it working? How long until I would win him? I needed more than BoyA to distract me when Kman shirked me. So I picked up another. And Ah......It was the final red thread needed for my enchantment. Kman looked hurt and confused - "I dont like that. I dont like it at all" and now did I make my voice resonant with power - "If I cannot see anyone else, then neither can you." Now he was just angry. He had a spit for about half an hour, trying to imagine life without having every woman he fixed his beautiful, compelling eyes upon. I came to learn that these little drama king spits are simply part and parcel of the whole Kman. They frustrate me, but who am I to speak when Im WORSE?
And thus, we fell together. Heart body mind and soul the entirety of him collapsed into my net. Caught. Enchantment must work both ways. All on days like today, when Winter was beginning to die under the strangling grip of summers sun, the air was cold and warm at the same time and everything feels so easy......How can a day so far away, feel so much like today?
TODAYS BAD NEWS - From the fanciful story I must now bring you to my most current rage. I adore my Tv. The must watch shows are 'neighbors' 'house' 'medium' and 'torchwood'. There are others I like but those are the ones I try not to miss. Of course, I dont put off the real world for tv, but when I can, I collapse in front of these shows and analyse them as if theyre poetry, or Big Brother.
Kman has just informed Torchwood will not be on next week. Prognosis for return - Not Good. This pisses me off so much. Battlestar Gallactica was another show that was mercilessly villified when it should have had a prime time spot. Torchwood is witty and funny with a real sexy twist. Its like if the X Files was fun and light hearted. They dip into the characters but dont rip them apart. I'll still see it - Its going on the list of must have DVD boxes, but poor judgement Australia. Very poor.
BIG BROTHER - Yes folks, I watched the finale. This year they threw too much at us - there were far too many 'secrets' far too many housemates, you couldnt quite get familiar with all of them or care about them enough to know who to vote for. Also I found it far too much about the housemates 'experience'. What about my entertainment? Im sick of hearing about the housemates 'experience'. The finale was an abslute sham - I wanted to see them recieve their prizes.
Ah, Well, Heres the good news! - Yesterday to give Zayfir something to think about by lunging him with the saddle. He barely even noticed the saddle on his back but seemed to enjoy the lunging. He hasnt forgotten about the mare next door or his mother, but seems less concerned. Mags needs more food - zayfir has started to steal it. The essence of peace soaking all my animals today has sunk into my bones. Im enjoying myself immensely and there is no cause for fear or doubt today.
Im going to bake some treats, get the house in order, then put mags out by himself, work Zayfir. Perhaps work the others too. Najara is REALLY trying to talk today - on my left hand this instant trying to speak. What a cheeky chick. The ducks are blissfully happy. The house is fairly clean. Im going to finish everything up as early as possible, and settle in for my best tv night, and try and forget that torchwood isnt coming back. Tonight Ive got house and medium back to back, and for some reason, every Wednsday night Ive been having the rauncheist dreams about Hugh Laurie! I think Lilla would say that means theres something about him I covet?......
But today is perfect, just for the feel in the air and the perfection its soaked in. As today I look back at refracted reflection, will I sometime in the future look back on this day? On this day, far off in the future?
Enjoy the wind today everyone. She has something specuial to say......
Today is unbelievably mild. The sun is not hot, not a specific presence, but the air is warm. Theres a touch of cold in winters spaces, and even though winters been FAR too short, and Im heartbroken to feel her death throes and terrified of summer himself, I cant help but enjoy today.
On a day like today years ago I woke up, and decided not to go to TAFE. I decided to go and see this new boy Id been seeing - not quite my boyfriend because I still had a few of those. But I knew the way to his house, it wasnt a far walk, maybe I could even scratch up enough change for a bus. He lives in a gorgeous house, with cable TV. I knew he'd be happy to see me, whether he was veging out or painting his models or smoking with his friends, Id be welcome. Id put on something half decent, walk slowly and enjoying every minute of the day, savouring the winter in it, repelling the summer in it, and write in my head as I made my way. Having a myriad of thoughts that really should have been written down but could never remember.
Once arriving Id get smoking with the crew, find a comfy spot near my man, and argue about what to watch on the cable. Perhaps Kman would paint while we argued, only very rarely raising his head and flinty, gem like eyes to show us he's listening to every word. I could stay the night, they're always happy to have dinner guests, and they seem to like me.....Easier than dealing with mum at any rate. And that house, oh, that house at night! The comfort of the curved loungeroom. The lights of the candles on the back deck and the open yet sheltered freedom of it, the peace of the garden plants. The 'family' feel achieved by people seemingly everywhere at once......
A few years later on this day that house was mine. All the gorgeous furniture belonging to Kmans mum was gone and she showed her size in massive open spaces that I filled with myself. My cats loved it, and never even looked out the windows. On a day very like today I realized Id locked myself out, and broke in through a window. There was no time to savour....No time to analyse, no time to write in my head. There was only bills, today tomorrow and ahead.
And on a day like today only last year I took joy in the day itself and tried to forget.....That we had nothing, nothing, nothing.......That we would surely fail if I did not do something anything........
But far more I remember those days long before........I was a full time student. The horses had yet to be moved to the stud, or just had been. Either way, someone was very well paid to look after them. Kman and I were in the early beginnings of our relationship that was not a relationship at all......BoyA began his worst ever torture and after the peace given me by Kman and his family I was beginning to wonder why I had to put up with it. I was in limbo see.....I could not let go of him, no matter how terrifying he was, until I was sure, utterly sure, Kman loved me.
I said once it was his family who snared me as his perfect mate. But the fact I hide is that I snared HIM. It was not uncommon for me to cast on boys I liked - No, you do not need to remind me thats against the rules, rules are made to be broken, and its why they are all still obsessed with me - But on Kman I worked energies I never thought Id have to. With most boys its tweak here and a twig there and you own them. Not so Kman. He was a huge extremely slippery serpent who wrapped around me and was gone from my grasp before I realized what happened. I had to play, taunt, tease, get him following me, enchanted by the dance itself. Then once I had caught that whirling tail (oh, so softly) I had to make him unaware I had it, sing like a siren and weave gently, Oh, so gently stroke the strings to create a net that could hold him.....And all was done on days like today. Really, it was no different to what I did to the other boys, it merely required more care, more detail, more time.
Once binding him to me with threads he could not even see, making him feel as if I was the air he breathed (and never ever once slipping up and saying I love you - but it was damn close!) comes the final play. I was beginning to get frustrated and jealous. Was it working? How long until I would win him? I needed more than BoyA to distract me when Kman shirked me. So I picked up another. And Ah......It was the final red thread needed for my enchantment. Kman looked hurt and confused - "I dont like that. I dont like it at all" and now did I make my voice resonant with power - "If I cannot see anyone else, then neither can you." Now he was just angry. He had a spit for about half an hour, trying to imagine life without having every woman he fixed his beautiful, compelling eyes upon. I came to learn that these little drama king spits are simply part and parcel of the whole Kman. They frustrate me, but who am I to speak when Im WORSE?
And thus, we fell together. Heart body mind and soul the entirety of him collapsed into my net. Caught. Enchantment must work both ways. All on days like today, when Winter was beginning to die under the strangling grip of summers sun, the air was cold and warm at the same time and everything feels so easy......How can a day so far away, feel so much like today?
TODAYS BAD NEWS - From the fanciful story I must now bring you to my most current rage. I adore my Tv. The must watch shows are 'neighbors' 'house' 'medium' and 'torchwood'. There are others I like but those are the ones I try not to miss. Of course, I dont put off the real world for tv, but when I can, I collapse in front of these shows and analyse them as if theyre poetry, or Big Brother.
Kman has just informed Torchwood will not be on next week. Prognosis for return - Not Good. This pisses me off so much. Battlestar Gallactica was another show that was mercilessly villified when it should have had a prime time spot. Torchwood is witty and funny with a real sexy twist. Its like if the X Files was fun and light hearted. They dip into the characters but dont rip them apart. I'll still see it - Its going on the list of must have DVD boxes, but poor judgement Australia. Very poor.
BIG BROTHER - Yes folks, I watched the finale. This year they threw too much at us - there were far too many 'secrets' far too many housemates, you couldnt quite get familiar with all of them or care about them enough to know who to vote for. Also I found it far too much about the housemates 'experience'. What about my entertainment? Im sick of hearing about the housemates 'experience'. The finale was an abslute sham - I wanted to see them recieve their prizes.
Ah, Well, Heres the good news! - Yesterday to give Zayfir something to think about by lunging him with the saddle. He barely even noticed the saddle on his back but seemed to enjoy the lunging. He hasnt forgotten about the mare next door or his mother, but seems less concerned. Mags needs more food - zayfir has started to steal it. The essence of peace soaking all my animals today has sunk into my bones. Im enjoying myself immensely and there is no cause for fear or doubt today.
Im going to bake some treats, get the house in order, then put mags out by himself, work Zayfir. Perhaps work the others too. Najara is REALLY trying to talk today - on my left hand this instant trying to speak. What a cheeky chick. The ducks are blissfully happy. The house is fairly clean. Im going to finish everything up as early as possible, and settle in for my best tv night, and try and forget that torchwood isnt coming back. Tonight Ive got house and medium back to back, and for some reason, every Wednsday night Ive been having the rauncheist dreams about Hugh Laurie! I think Lilla would say that means theres something about him I covet?......
But today is perfect, just for the feel in the air and the perfection its soaked in. As today I look back at refracted reflection, will I sometime in the future look back on this day? On this day, far off in the future?
Enjoy the wind today everyone. She has something specuial to say......
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Comment by Nickoftime's Sanity Corner
I guess we all have to take the good with the bad...even when the bad seems overwhelming...
I love the depth with which you write, so much emotion and so much truth...
Keep looking forward, and I'm sure things will all work out for you in the end...
Loved the part about the horses, they remind me of mine!
LOL
Peace and white light,
Nick
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
thanks for commenting sweetheart! How many horses do you have? I thought it was just Tip?
I dont use phrases like "In the end" only gets me in trouble. Far better to accept that lifes a constant up and down. No matter what I work through, there will always be more!
I thank you for kind words when Im down, you're so helpful. I dont know many people who genuinely care like you do, or listen. However my moods change like waves in the space of a day. All thats pain can become light in an instant, and vice versa.
Im really getting into depth and emotion now....Its one of my old tricks to use journal format and reality to push my writing. If I cant stop thinking about it, it might as well go to good use! So even when Im whinging about pain, rest assured Im still inspired!
"Pain is inspiration to the poet"
And I think we can all relate to that!
Thanks so much for the visit, always a joy to read your words!