Mindless Ramble....
April 1st 2008 04:13
Soon, Im going to go out and collect some wood. I find it the most soothing activity in the world - theres nothing like it. At Swallow Hill it used to take me hours, I think we had in grand total...7 trees? There were 5 in the grove where Teshan lived that were roughly in a pentagram shape and I often walked round them in the correct directions to seal or open the circle as I needed, and one particularly magical afternoon, I meditated within the circle on my blood and sweat in the land and then opened the circle....And when I opened my eyes the mists were rolling in about my feet so fast that the house (about a km away) was obliterated in white in five minutes.
Although this property is smaller, it contains more trees than I can count. Im going to have to find the leak in my wheel barrows tyre and seal it somehow - Imagine my dismay the other day in pumpin up the tyre, happily setting off across the property only to find once the barrow was full of heavy wood the tyre was down again and I had to get the barrow and its load up the hill with no tyre.
I cant explain why I find it soothing. A walk around the property, not so much. But when Im gathering wood I feel....Real. Like its the only Real activity I actually do. Perhaps its that old in me - the act of collecting wood for the nights warmth, something Ive done in each life over the last few thousand years wether I was princess or pauper. I can feel tendrils of energy between me and the land, something deep and meaningful about the way life turns.
Im sorry. I had a great post planned for today. But a Raven flew by you see....And he cawed a few things that shook me up. Not many creatures manage that you know. But now Im finding myself sorting through a random waterfall of images, like Im caught in a fall of light, memories, they flow over and around me and before my eyes and I watch them tumble by as tears fall from my eyes....
Why are women so stupid? I once asked that of a very good male friend. I tend to get on well with males, because, despite my quite obvious female attributes, if they close their eyes, I sound male. I sound just like their best mate, usually. But at this point, he entered into a male rant - "I KNOW! All women are the same - in front of them theyve got the nice guy, the one who wants to love them and care for them and be a man for them, do they want him? NOOOO, they want the bad boy who hurts them and doesnt love them and keeps them guessing and cheats on them! And if thats not bad enough, they always go back to the bad guy! They believe him over us!"
Suddenly realizing he was talking to a female not a male, he goes, "And why do you think that is? Can you explain it?" And I just shook my head.
Years ago I broke the hardest addiction Ive ever had to break. But the thing with addictions is they stay in your blood. You remember them suddenly at 2am when you awake in a flash with heart pounding in an ice cold pool of your own sweat with your temples burning. Thats when you turn to other addictions - like weed and alcohol and pretty prescription pills just to scramble your brain, somehow, anyhow, you dont care how its scrambled or where your thoughts and memories end up - just to scramble away that one thats haunting you. It usually works. For about 5 minutes.
And if you're a good little Earthican, you'll do it the right way. You'll meditate, you'll exercise, you'll encourage 'good' thinking patterns and try your best to do away with negative thoughts. You'll go around creating 'good' memories so you can try and push out the bad ones. You'll listen to your councellor, and sometimes, if you just cant sleep at night, you'll find a nice man in a white coat who gives you some pills that he just PROMISES will cut out the bad stuff and only the bad stuff.
Usually the guy in the white coat is lying even to himself. The mind is a vast place we have yet to conquer and you find his particular brand of pills tend to swathe savagely through your mind chopping at all kinds of things. By the time his pills are through with you, you dont even know who you are. So you say - " No more of those. I can do this. Im tough, I am the all singing all dancing wonder of the world. My own brain cant beat me. (or so my counsellor says..."
You might even ground yourself for a bit. You might even *shock gasp!* LIVE for awhile. And then you find that thing never left. Its been looking over your shoulder laughing at you the whole time, especially if you never got what Im sure your counsellor likes to call 'closure'. You dont need to sleep to dream and you dont need to concentrate to remember. All those years of work to move away from said 'thing' have actually worked in reverse - away from your attention, the Bastard grew. Now that your imagination has worked on it, its even bigger, darker and more menacing than the first time you faced it. And it no longer needs your permission to show up.
And usually.....These 'things' have the potential to destroy your life. Not obliterate it, oh no, just fuck it right up, turn it upside down like a desk drawer and scatter your precious life all over the world's floor.
For those of us who follow the warrior's way, these things can be especially tricky. Hey, if we were back in the dark ages Id just grab my sword and horse and finish this godforsaken thing once and for all. But, you know. We have cops now. Despite having a population overload we arent allowed to take justice into our own hands (yet) so that leaves me a bit limited.
Because.....These things usually play us. Thats why they hang on, its why, even after we've forgotten, they resurface with all the old emotion plus some new ones. Its why, no matter how much you talk about it, its never enough. Talk is just words, and though words are powerful, they are nothing if you dont know what you're talking about. If you dont have all the angles. Anyone can find the answers with enough clues, but these 'things' dont leave clues now do they..........That would make the process easier.
And sometimes, we hang on, just because we need to feel things, we need to imagine that someone else might be just as fucked up. I know thats the core of forgiveness, but as Ash recently said, sometimes forgiveness just isnt appropriate, and I mean that in so many ways.
Usually, the core to these things is that the Universe is done with it. When you expect that the Universe is not and so you hang on for your day thats when it starts to go really twisted. The Universe says "deed complete" but you're not so sure.
Well. Then it really becomes the individuals problem doesnt it?
What am I gonna do? Big fat nothing. I could cast....But that might go terribly wrong. I could go for a spiritual wander and take a peek at whats going on....But I get seen, even in spiritual form.
I figure, if I just keep ignoring my 'thing', it really will just go away. It has to, and Ive got far bigger 'things' requiring attention.
And being a writer, we should always write about our 'things' and mine's been going into a novel....
In the words of Chaucer in 'A Knight's Tale'...." I shall eviscerate you in fiction..."
Although this property is smaller, it contains more trees than I can count. Im going to have to find the leak in my wheel barrows tyre and seal it somehow - Imagine my dismay the other day in pumpin up the tyre, happily setting off across the property only to find once the barrow was full of heavy wood the tyre was down again and I had to get the barrow and its load up the hill with no tyre.
I cant explain why I find it soothing. A walk around the property, not so much. But when Im gathering wood I feel....Real. Like its the only Real activity I actually do. Perhaps its that old in me - the act of collecting wood for the nights warmth, something Ive done in each life over the last few thousand years wether I was princess or pauper. I can feel tendrils of energy between me and the land, something deep and meaningful about the way life turns.
Im sorry. I had a great post planned for today. But a Raven flew by you see....And he cawed a few things that shook me up. Not many creatures manage that you know. But now Im finding myself sorting through a random waterfall of images, like Im caught in a fall of light, memories, they flow over and around me and before my eyes and I watch them tumble by as tears fall from my eyes....
Why are women so stupid? I once asked that of a very good male friend. I tend to get on well with males, because, despite my quite obvious female attributes, if they close their eyes, I sound male. I sound just like their best mate, usually. But at this point, he entered into a male rant - "I KNOW! All women are the same - in front of them theyve got the nice guy, the one who wants to love them and care for them and be a man for them, do they want him? NOOOO, they want the bad boy who hurts them and doesnt love them and keeps them guessing and cheats on them! And if thats not bad enough, they always go back to the bad guy! They believe him over us!"
Suddenly realizing he was talking to a female not a male, he goes, "And why do you think that is? Can you explain it?" And I just shook my head.
Years ago I broke the hardest addiction Ive ever had to break. But the thing with addictions is they stay in your blood. You remember them suddenly at 2am when you awake in a flash with heart pounding in an ice cold pool of your own sweat with your temples burning. Thats when you turn to other addictions - like weed and alcohol and pretty prescription pills just to scramble your brain, somehow, anyhow, you dont care how its scrambled or where your thoughts and memories end up - just to scramble away that one thats haunting you. It usually works. For about 5 minutes.
And if you're a good little Earthican, you'll do it the right way. You'll meditate, you'll exercise, you'll encourage 'good' thinking patterns and try your best to do away with negative thoughts. You'll go around creating 'good' memories so you can try and push out the bad ones. You'll listen to your councellor, and sometimes, if you just cant sleep at night, you'll find a nice man in a white coat who gives you some pills that he just PROMISES will cut out the bad stuff and only the bad stuff.
Usually the guy in the white coat is lying even to himself. The mind is a vast place we have yet to conquer and you find his particular brand of pills tend to swathe savagely through your mind chopping at all kinds of things. By the time his pills are through with you, you dont even know who you are. So you say - " No more of those. I can do this. Im tough, I am the all singing all dancing wonder of the world. My own brain cant beat me. (or so my counsellor says..."
You might even ground yourself for a bit. You might even *shock gasp!* LIVE for awhile. And then you find that thing never left. Its been looking over your shoulder laughing at you the whole time, especially if you never got what Im sure your counsellor likes to call 'closure'. You dont need to sleep to dream and you dont need to concentrate to remember. All those years of work to move away from said 'thing' have actually worked in reverse - away from your attention, the Bastard grew. Now that your imagination has worked on it, its even bigger, darker and more menacing than the first time you faced it. And it no longer needs your permission to show up.
And usually.....These 'things' have the potential to destroy your life. Not obliterate it, oh no, just fuck it right up, turn it upside down like a desk drawer and scatter your precious life all over the world's floor.
For those of us who follow the warrior's way, these things can be especially tricky. Hey, if we were back in the dark ages Id just grab my sword and horse and finish this godforsaken thing once and for all. But, you know. We have cops now. Despite having a population overload we arent allowed to take justice into our own hands (yet) so that leaves me a bit limited.
Because.....These things usually play us. Thats why they hang on, its why, even after we've forgotten, they resurface with all the old emotion plus some new ones. Its why, no matter how much you talk about it, its never enough. Talk is just words, and though words are powerful, they are nothing if you dont know what you're talking about. If you dont have all the angles. Anyone can find the answers with enough clues, but these 'things' dont leave clues now do they..........That would make the process easier.
And sometimes, we hang on, just because we need to feel things, we need to imagine that someone else might be just as fucked up. I know thats the core of forgiveness, but as Ash recently said, sometimes forgiveness just isnt appropriate, and I mean that in so many ways.
Usually, the core to these things is that the Universe is done with it. When you expect that the Universe is not and so you hang on for your day thats when it starts to go really twisted. The Universe says "deed complete" but you're not so sure.
Well. Then it really becomes the individuals problem doesnt it?
What am I gonna do? Big fat nothing. I could cast....But that might go terribly wrong. I could go for a spiritual wander and take a peek at whats going on....But I get seen, even in spiritual form.
I figure, if I just keep ignoring my 'thing', it really will just go away. It has to, and Ive got far bigger 'things' requiring attention.
And being a writer, we should always write about our 'things' and mine's been going into a novel....
In the words of Chaucer in 'A Knight's Tale'...." I shall eviscerate you in fiction..."
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Comment by tlcorbin
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Bit cryptic there my friend!
I would say Im as prepared as I'll ever be, but this is one battle I wont seek out.
Comment by tlcorbin