Mistakes are interesting
April 15th 2008 00:07
With all this sketching and process work, you might have guessed that along with entertaining you, Im trying to educate you. Generally a ramble and an educational post would be in distinctly seperate columns, but today Im smooshing it all together.
Thats just because both todays ramble and education all fits under the same title. You might remember in some of my more educational posts my whinging about my art teacher. She was a tough lady, when it came to her art, she'd taught more of us whipper snappers than we cared to count, and though she tried to be the 'cool' art teacher, in the end she cared more about her students than her art, and if we were going to get the marks we deserved, we had to LISTEN to her dammit! Dont you know art is an ambigious exam?
Ive mentioned all the things we disagreed with - the process pages and visual verbals and my final sculpture. Understand, I loved her like I loved my riding instructor - I admire strength, hardness and decisiveness, I also admire stubborness. I like people who CHALLENGE me. But on the day she told us to sit down and sketch.....WITH NO ERASER I was damn well traumatized.
It was kinda funny, (or certainly is now in the looking back) it was a fair day, with cloud and cold but not too bad. When she instructed us to 'free sketch' it was like being granted access to heaven for an hour - An hour of free sketching! Yeah! This is what I signed up for!
As we gathered paper and pencils thats when she dropped the bomb - "No Eraser. I dont want to see any rubbers. If I see you pulling out your own ones I'll confiscate them" A couple of people squeaked protests and others howled, yet I was utterly speechless. My friends werent bothered - no where near at the demonish level of late night sketching that I was, they couldnt understand the enormity of this. The eraser was the only thing stopping me from embarassing myself!
"Come on guys!" she cajoled gleefully, "Mistakes are interesting!"
I settled grumpily outside to sketch a tree - a safe bet, I supposed. This sketch ended up becoming a fauvist colour play, but thats another story. This exercise wedded me to my eraser like nothing else could. Anywhere I took a pencil I now had to take an eraser as well. I wasnt without one, ever from that day on.
It was only the other day when my right hand clawed blindly for the eraser when that voice rang out in my head - "Mistakes are interesting!" And I thought, well, you know what? In these, they really are. So Ive been incorporating or using mistakes to my fullest ability. The other thing Im doing lately that I NEVER believed Id do is using base lines. I used to think, if its going to be covered by something else, why draw it? Ah....Well, structure. Correctness. Thats why! Ive found myself erasing whole sections of page now simply because of construction lines. One I did last night is a perfect example...But he wont scan up today. Must be shy.
Im starting to feel so decadent. So damn LUCKY. Im starting to think...."Well, fuck. Did I REALLY used to do this all day everyday?" Its hard to believe. Sleep is finally catching up to me, and thats not just being home, Im still trying to limit myself to 6 or 7 hours a night and only 1 day a week of sleeping for 12 to 16 hours. More sleep makes you tired see? Its the fact Ive been sleeping on the couch. The bed situation for Kman and I is terrible. In 2003 my matress started to fall apart to the point you were terrified you'd get pronged by a spring when you SAT on it. Rolling over at night made me cringe as I heard metal shrieking beneath me, knowing it was only a matter of very short time before one rusty end plunged itself into me, and then Id need a tetanus shot.
When we moved, we threw out the matress, and I bought a cheapo foam rubber one 'just to get us through'.
We are still sleeping on that same matress. The bed died - the matress went onto the floor. When we moved in here I found our other foam matresses and linked them all together. That seemed to work. Only recently I started falling asleep on the couch, and realizing it was...Um...Restful. Like sleep should be. So Ive moved to the couch until our new bed is delivered. We're going to change around the bedrooms and lounge room. But the point to the story is Im feeling rested, and its finally starting to sink in....IM HOME!!
And now that I finally begin to appreciate it its all over. I tried to fool my anxiety today. I decided Id get up wicked early, and set off to a nearby town early on. Mums copied a ton of resume's for me, and I know they're hiring at a certain shop, so I planned it for today, but with nothing concrete - no pressure. Well, as soon as the animals were done and the coffee began my guts started to twist, my breath got short and my fingers tingled. The roaring of the wind and the darkness in the sky - I could swear theres a little voice saying "you dont wanna go out, dont really wanna go out".
Well of course not. But Id better do it anyway. The sooner I go the sooner I can return and throw on an old movie and do some more sketching......
Thats just because both todays ramble and education all fits under the same title. You might remember in some of my more educational posts my whinging about my art teacher. She was a tough lady, when it came to her art, she'd taught more of us whipper snappers than we cared to count, and though she tried to be the 'cool' art teacher, in the end she cared more about her students than her art, and if we were going to get the marks we deserved, we had to LISTEN to her dammit! Dont you know art is an ambigious exam?
Ive mentioned all the things we disagreed with - the process pages and visual verbals and my final sculpture. Understand, I loved her like I loved my riding instructor - I admire strength, hardness and decisiveness, I also admire stubborness. I like people who CHALLENGE me. But on the day she told us to sit down and sketch.....WITH NO ERASER I was damn well traumatized.
It was kinda funny, (or certainly is now in the looking back) it was a fair day, with cloud and cold but not too bad. When she instructed us to 'free sketch' it was like being granted access to heaven for an hour - An hour of free sketching! Yeah! This is what I signed up for!
As we gathered paper and pencils thats when she dropped the bomb - "No Eraser. I dont want to see any rubbers. If I see you pulling out your own ones I'll confiscate them" A couple of people squeaked protests and others howled, yet I was utterly speechless. My friends werent bothered - no where near at the demonish level of late night sketching that I was, they couldnt understand the enormity of this. The eraser was the only thing stopping me from embarassing myself!
"Come on guys!" she cajoled gleefully, "Mistakes are interesting!"
I settled grumpily outside to sketch a tree - a safe bet, I supposed. This sketch ended up becoming a fauvist colour play, but thats another story. This exercise wedded me to my eraser like nothing else could. Anywhere I took a pencil I now had to take an eraser as well. I wasnt without one, ever from that day on.
It was only the other day when my right hand clawed blindly for the eraser when that voice rang out in my head - "Mistakes are interesting!" And I thought, well, you know what? In these, they really are. So Ive been incorporating or using mistakes to my fullest ability. The other thing Im doing lately that I NEVER believed Id do is using base lines. I used to think, if its going to be covered by something else, why draw it? Ah....Well, structure. Correctness. Thats why! Ive found myself erasing whole sections of page now simply because of construction lines. One I did last night is a perfect example...But he wont scan up today. Must be shy.
Im starting to feel so decadent. So damn LUCKY. Im starting to think...."Well, fuck. Did I REALLY used to do this all day everyday?" Its hard to believe. Sleep is finally catching up to me, and thats not just being home, Im still trying to limit myself to 6 or 7 hours a night and only 1 day a week of sleeping for 12 to 16 hours. More sleep makes you tired see? Its the fact Ive been sleeping on the couch. The bed situation for Kman and I is terrible. In 2003 my matress started to fall apart to the point you were terrified you'd get pronged by a spring when you SAT on it. Rolling over at night made me cringe as I heard metal shrieking beneath me, knowing it was only a matter of very short time before one rusty end plunged itself into me, and then Id need a tetanus shot.
When we moved, we threw out the matress, and I bought a cheapo foam rubber one 'just to get us through'.
We are still sleeping on that same matress. The bed died - the matress went onto the floor. When we moved in here I found our other foam matresses and linked them all together. That seemed to work. Only recently I started falling asleep on the couch, and realizing it was...Um...Restful. Like sleep should be. So Ive moved to the couch until our new bed is delivered. We're going to change around the bedrooms and lounge room. But the point to the story is Im feeling rested, and its finally starting to sink in....IM HOME!!
And now that I finally begin to appreciate it its all over. I tried to fool my anxiety today. I decided Id get up wicked early, and set off to a nearby town early on. Mums copied a ton of resume's for me, and I know they're hiring at a certain shop, so I planned it for today, but with nothing concrete - no pressure. Well, as soon as the animals were done and the coffee began my guts started to twist, my breath got short and my fingers tingled. The roaring of the wind and the darkness in the sky - I could swear theres a little voice saying "you dont wanna go out, dont really wanna go out".
Well of course not. But Id better do it anyway. The sooner I go the sooner I can return and throw on an old movie and do some more sketching......
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Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
This is really interesting, I wish I had more time to tell all I felt from reading your work. In fact, that’s how I usually feel when I read your posts!
This part particularly resonated:
but with nothing concrete - no pressure.
I'm trying to approach things in my life that way too. It's got to be easier hasn't it?!
I do this too:
I tried to fool my anxiety today.
One day I woke up and said, fuck it, I'm going to let all that I worry about happen. So I waited....I waited for my husband to die, then my parents, for Fergal to be run over, for my job to tell me I'm a waste of space, for a migraine to hit me while driving..etc etc..
They didn't happen...so bit by bit, I let things slide...still scared and not convinced that something was going to happen, but slowly doing it as I knew it was no way to live. Plus, my fears didn't prevent my sister's death (where most of this stems from), so tried to tell myself that there's little validity in them.
But having PTSD and I know you'll understand as you have it too, many of the fears are irrational, for me during those times, my stomach lurches into a fear chasm as soon as I wake up.
I've rambled....I'll be reading to find out how you went,
Thanks, Kleo.
Comment by Louie
randomthoughts
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Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Oh darlin, I so know how you feel. I had an anxiety attack the other night boiling milk. I was just boiling milk for me and Kman, listening to the wind. I started thinking about fences down, all the horses breaking their legs overnight, the house catching on fire, Kman getting killed.....I had to go to the bathroom and put my head between my knees and breathe. I thought I was going to be sick and my head was spinning.
Its so amazing to meet someone who understands this and how overwealming it is. Today went really, really well, I'll tell you all about it soon.
*hugs* hun, x KLEO
Louie,
Hey! I was actually going to link it with 'life' mistakes as well, had a whole theme planned, but what can ya do? Thanks for visitin!
Comment by tlcorbin
Enjoy the peace my friend, you are worthy and deserving of it.
Raven
Comment by The wonderful Peter Yang
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Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Im glad you think Im worthy dear one. Im certainly enjoying it!
The wonderful Peter Yang...
I agree, mistakes, aside from being interesting, are usually fun too! Thanks for visitin....