Moving On
December 25th 2007 06:52
Ive often had trouble with this concept - When Dad left, when my cousin was killed, when my dogs died. What does it mean, this move on? And why would I want to? Why would I want to have a day where I dont remember them?
And thus, this process became to me an automatic or artificial one, where one way or the other Id get on with life until the memories faded in colour and became less vivid than the living world, and didnt cut quite so sharp.
Although, Stephen King said that grief's knife does not stop cutting with time, as people like to say. It keeps on cutting, the blade just gets dull.
I dealth with more death - injustice and pain in a foriegn country, and then home to what should have been safety but was instead chaos. It wasnt long before plain old normalicy cracked me in two like the ocean will in the end crack a continent. I crumbled and folded and for 2 years I remember almost nothing. I blame the anti psychotics, the mood stabilizers and the sedatives I was prescribed. I remember getting it all back together, bashing myself into a semi human shape and venturing out into the world once more.
How I struggled. How I fought with what was myself, what was not myself and what was nothing. A plain void of apathy that was bigger than me and yet somehow still lived within me. Its awfully crowded in here....
I somehow clawed back to that place where I could command my brain the one most important order - ignore no everyone, God did not give you an 'off' switch but he DID give us 'ignore'.
Ignore this painful image, ignore this icy feeling. Ignore the twisting guts ignore the pounding head, ignore the spiders on the wall no one else can see, and ignore the voices in your head.
Until it becomes second nature. Until it becomes simply the way of living. Then once you start getting healthy the metaphysical world gets involved, and now you have to be even more careful about what you ignore and where you put it when you do.
So, getting to a fairly even keel, I begin to look around and think about getting on with life.
Until, with a rocking beneath me, the keel is unbalanced. Images come that refuse to be banished. Images from a time where no one died, no one was seriously hurt and frankly, not a whole lot actually happened. A time Id thought so, so unimportant.
But suggestion's a bitch, and imagination's a killer, and when you're intelligent and creative the slightest little suggestion can set you off down roads of thinking where you really know you shouldnt go. The impossible becomes not just possible, but a certainty.
On Saturday night, I felt so uneasy. I set out to find out the reason, sure it had to do with the moon. Well, it was near to full, it was in Perigree, (which means it was bloody close) and Taurus was visible in the sky.....
Im taurus. So is my lover, saviour. So is my enemy. What a triangle?
Sometimes I think I just need an enemy. Like a dysfunctional super hero I just need to know theres a villian out there somewhere that needs his arse kicked. Ive even got a sidekick.
Then, sometimes I think Im just completely fucked up. Ive got violence and Ive got rage in here - Ive got images that flash before my eyes and urgent vioces whispering for a follow through of everything they show me. Sometimes I think....One named an 'enemy' would be a conveniant target.
And smetimes I think Im completely delusional. That I have absolutely no idea whats going on, that im in the dark, out of the loop, and its all going to happen entirely different to what I can predict, evey single time.
Now. Because, Im just a little bit....Crazy. (laugh if you want, or disbelieve, but my whisperings and adrenaline have led me to terrible places before) I cant follow up any conclusions on my own. I have the most lovely ideas.... Really, you have no idea how lovely they are! But its not just bordering on evil that, its way over there. So, *sigh* I wont be following through any of them, or entertaining them, or giving them an opportunity to lead me off into another destiny.
What I am going to do is wait.
You have to understand, I always make this decision. Always. Torture usually cycles. I only have the nightmares every few months and in between Im not bothered at all. What Im going to do is move along, and not forget. Of course, it'll get hard, this not forgetting thing. Sometimes I'll forget what Im supposed to be not forgetting. I'll feel like Im walking around with a hole inside, always like Ive forgotten something, niggling, itching. A constant blind spot.
But its a knot in the fabric of the universe, a tight wadded tangle that keeps being thrown before me as if its MY responsability. Ive struggled with it and found it too tough, or at least, too risky. Let it sit for a bit, let it slide for awhile. Its ends will work their way back and all will fall the way it is meant to be.....
For Kali is with me.
I had forgotten, for a long time, that she was even here in the page, let alone that Id named it for her. Kali is the one diety who never lets you go, who is always with you. Be assured shes with you in your greatest pain.....Thats when she's having the most fun!
I do not allow any errant emotion to destroy the beauty of being home with my family, on days where the sky is painted in myriad mosaics, the fridges are full to bursting, while the sun shines softly and wind stirs gently.......
This is perfection.
And thus, this process became to me an automatic or artificial one, where one way or the other Id get on with life until the memories faded in colour and became less vivid than the living world, and didnt cut quite so sharp.
Although, Stephen King said that grief's knife does not stop cutting with time, as people like to say. It keeps on cutting, the blade just gets dull.
I dealth with more death - injustice and pain in a foriegn country, and then home to what should have been safety but was instead chaos. It wasnt long before plain old normalicy cracked me in two like the ocean will in the end crack a continent. I crumbled and folded and for 2 years I remember almost nothing. I blame the anti psychotics, the mood stabilizers and the sedatives I was prescribed. I remember getting it all back together, bashing myself into a semi human shape and venturing out into the world once more.
How I struggled. How I fought with what was myself, what was not myself and what was nothing. A plain void of apathy that was bigger than me and yet somehow still lived within me. Its awfully crowded in here....
I somehow clawed back to that place where I could command my brain the one most important order - ignore no everyone, God did not give you an 'off' switch but he DID give us 'ignore'.
Ignore this painful image, ignore this icy feeling. Ignore the twisting guts ignore the pounding head, ignore the spiders on the wall no one else can see, and ignore the voices in your head.
Until it becomes second nature. Until it becomes simply the way of living. Then once you start getting healthy the metaphysical world gets involved, and now you have to be even more careful about what you ignore and where you put it when you do.
So, getting to a fairly even keel, I begin to look around and think about getting on with life.
Until, with a rocking beneath me, the keel is unbalanced. Images come that refuse to be banished. Images from a time where no one died, no one was seriously hurt and frankly, not a whole lot actually happened. A time Id thought so, so unimportant.
But suggestion's a bitch, and imagination's a killer, and when you're intelligent and creative the slightest little suggestion can set you off down roads of thinking where you really know you shouldnt go. The impossible becomes not just possible, but a certainty.
On Saturday night, I felt so uneasy. I set out to find out the reason, sure it had to do with the moon. Well, it was near to full, it was in Perigree, (which means it was bloody close) and Taurus was visible in the sky.....
Im taurus. So is my lover, saviour. So is my enemy. What a triangle?
Sometimes I think I just need an enemy. Like a dysfunctional super hero I just need to know theres a villian out there somewhere that needs his arse kicked. Ive even got a sidekick.
Then, sometimes I think Im just completely fucked up. Ive got violence and Ive got rage in here - Ive got images that flash before my eyes and urgent vioces whispering for a follow through of everything they show me. Sometimes I think....One named an 'enemy' would be a conveniant target.
And smetimes I think Im completely delusional. That I have absolutely no idea whats going on, that im in the dark, out of the loop, and its all going to happen entirely different to what I can predict, evey single time.
Now. Because, Im just a little bit....Crazy. (laugh if you want, or disbelieve, but my whisperings and adrenaline have led me to terrible places before) I cant follow up any conclusions on my own. I have the most lovely ideas.... Really, you have no idea how lovely they are! But its not just bordering on evil that, its way over there. So, *sigh* I wont be following through any of them, or entertaining them, or giving them an opportunity to lead me off into another destiny.
What I am going to do is wait.
You have to understand, I always make this decision. Always. Torture usually cycles. I only have the nightmares every few months and in between Im not bothered at all. What Im going to do is move along, and not forget. Of course, it'll get hard, this not forgetting thing. Sometimes I'll forget what Im supposed to be not forgetting. I'll feel like Im walking around with a hole inside, always like Ive forgotten something, niggling, itching. A constant blind spot.
But its a knot in the fabric of the universe, a tight wadded tangle that keeps being thrown before me as if its MY responsability. Ive struggled with it and found it too tough, or at least, too risky. Let it sit for a bit, let it slide for awhile. Its ends will work their way back and all will fall the way it is meant to be.....
For Kali is with me.
I had forgotten, for a long time, that she was even here in the page, let alone that Id named it for her. Kali is the one diety who never lets you go, who is always with you. Be assured shes with you in your greatest pain.....Thats when she's having the most fun!
I do not allow any errant emotion to destroy the beauty of being home with my family, on days where the sky is painted in myriad mosaics, the fridges are full to bursting, while the sun shines softly and wind stirs gently.......
This is perfection.
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Comment by tlcorbin
P.S., I'll ruminate over this for days tonight and respond again later, when it's darker, and the light shines more brightly.
Comment by The Rusty Can
Everything
Memories have certainly faded, but I'm still waiting for the emotions these memories evoke to fade. They tend to take cruel bites when least expected.
Take care, Kleo~
Rusty.
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Yes, Now is endless and the future is forever. Moving on is an illusion, you usually just move away until you move back again.
P.S. Cant wait to hear a darker reply from the light....
Rusty,
Great to meet you, and they do indeed take cruel bites at the least expected moments. Glad you could relate, and thanks for vistin...
Comment by Catherine
Natural Animals
Glad I popped in tonight.
Catherine
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Oh yes, I agree, thats kinda what I mean....All the knots we tie have to be worked through though.
Thankyou so much for droppin in....Im always amazed when people respond to my insanity!
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
When I was in my loony state seeing 'the councelor' and I had this network of people saying I was 'doing the right thing by moving on' the thing that struck me the most was HOW THE F(*&
MOVE ON
???
I mean some pretty hectic shit went down people - you don`t just
MOVE ON
These are things that will affect you for the rest of your life - they are burned into the memory banks forever and ever. That flame is going to burn brightly forver. That hurt is going to be there.... forever. You can talk about it as much as you want to, it`s not going to change anything and we most certainly are not going to just MOVE ON!
nods head
I hope this leads you to your place of forgiveness and happiness and settles the wandering mind. thank goodness you are a creative person and that this can all come to the page
Ash
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Id like to thankyou so much for your continued support darling, it means so much to me and your words are always just right.
Forgiveness? Never.
As you so eloquently put. Cant forget, cant forgive. Not the way it is anyway - not without some murky waters getting just a bit clearer.
Thanks again for your support hun, it really means so much, especially when I just need to blab mindlessly sometimes!