Much needed ramble rant.....
May 31st 2008 15:45
Almost 1am.
I remember when I was a teenager, this time of night was when I was just kicking into gear. I'd be on my third coffee, my hand would be numb from writers cramp and the words would just be burning out of me. Mum would be screaming down the hall - "Go to bed! You have school tomorrow!" To which Id reply - "Yeah, yeah" cos school was always too easy, and my intuition told me, make the most of your youth. I knew it would become harder and harder to function on little sleep.
Id just like to apologise for my lack of apostrophes and spelling mistakes. I used to be down right pedantic about it, but Ive gotten accustomed to writing on the new word version - its learned my style and automatically corrects my little errors. Im sure you get my drift.
All the stories mentioned above still exist and are patiently gathering dust until I take them up again. At the moment Im working on a little novel, and I want to finish it before I do anything else. Ive had some ideas for '2084' and other things Im working on, but like I said, this newbie's got to come first. Theres reasons.
Today was just a brilliant day. Kman and I bummed around a little, then went into a frenzy cleaning house and cutting wood. I then wrestled with Itunes for about 3 hours - importing cds is bloody tedious enough, without all the extra problems of it mysteriously saving songs twice, some with names, some without.....And songs appearing on the Ipod that I thought I had deleted from the playlist all together? My computer took the oppurtunity to tell me I was a fuckwit - "I cant get track names when you wont allow me to connect to the internet!" but I gave it a good throttle when I realized what it had done. Even after giving it permission to access track names, most still werent named. And as I mentioned, deleted songs popping up and saving to the ipod....And the computer calls me a fuckwit?
I have to be nice to it though, its too good to me, and when the playstation and the dvd player both say "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" its the only thing that will play my dvds.
So, hows it going?
I love my job. I love it so much Im not going to talk about it, and thats huge for a verbal spurter like me. No job ever has inspired me like this, but, as so often happens to me, Im completely in two minds....
The hours are SO long. 8am till 6pm every day plus the first two saturdays of the month. I miss my animals so much - Xiara, my oldest pet, is depressed. Binky is so confused and upset. Even Zayf, who didnt see a whole lot of me anyway, is missing me fiercely. Wist is downright traumatized. Binky has taken to unpacking my workbag - pulling out things I need thinking I wont go. Theres my darling kookaburras, who dont get their meat in the afternoons anymore, and my eight koels who I thought had migrated on, but found out today are still here. I miss them so much, its like a fierce keening.
And usually, when I feel like that, work begins to drag through my nerves like razor blades. Every second feels like an hour, any task makes me feel physically ill and I start praying I'll get hit by a car or something, so I dont have to go.
But I love this job. The second I walk through the door my mind is snap focused, clear on what needs to be done, even if, as a new girl, Im still confused on some procedure. I go down for a smoke, and the second Im out the door I start to think...."What if one of mine calls while Im out? I really dont want anyone else taking the call, Im the only one who can do it properly" and scream back upstairs lest it should happen. Im suceeding and doing well and Im finding it easy to cut smokes down, stop drinking, all because I want a clear and focused mind.
Kman and I have had a few roaring fights - a common occurance when the power shifts - and I think he was downright shocked when I told him - "I need you. You dont need me. I hate that, I hate that so much - you are the one chink in my armour. Part of me is desperate for you to leave so I can prove to myself that I actually dont need you."
Well, that sorted things out, as well as a few other things.....As usual when we have a fight that ends wth "IM LEAVING YOU!" We end up stronger than ever. Baffling.
Life sure is kickin on....I know I'll feel so much better when I get paid....Its monthly pay see, and I started at the beginning of the cycle. Im sure youve all been there - not only do I have to wait a month for it, but once it comes, half goes straight out to pay back the last month. Then the other half pays the month in advance, so in short. you get nada to spend for 2 months. Its gruelling its unrewarding. Only one thing to do. Catch more dirtbags! Get commissions!
You may wonder how my nightmares are going....Ah, well. Hmm. They took an unexpected turn when Kman said he was leaving me. Im one messed up chick. Im sure you'll read the novel. Nothing will be explained. Its better that way. Its a horrid truth that the only ones who will truly understand the depths of what I am saying are the ones I truly dont want to know. So why am I writing it? Because I feel compelled to, because the words come easy, because its fun to read. Its modern and its written in slang and its told like two teenagers drinking would tell it. If you like, its a metaphor for the human spirit, the darkness in even the most innocent, and the truth that violence in someone's life isnt needed to turn them into a beast.
Im feeling slack for not doing the hot water bottles for Talli Wist and Pige - Its not that cold. Theres a bit of a chill, but Im quite comfortable here with no fire, they can cope surely.
Scary moment earlier - Kman and I were having an excited discussion and as it tends to do my voice rose. There was a godawful CLUNK on the side of the house - we scurry out to check on things. We find Magnus snuggled to the side of the house, listening to the conversation and wanting to be in on it. A sweep with the torch shows Zayfe curled up asleep - I put it together in seconds, Mags was on gaurd duty, got bored, heard our voices, wandered away, leaving Zayfe for lion fodder, and came over to listen to us and hopefully get invited in for a cup of tea. When I explained this to Kman he said, "But I saw Spirit down the back checking it out too - if it woke him up, how did Zayfe sleep through it?" I gave him a wry look, "I think Spirit is shirking gaurd duty too."
He's gonna get his butt kicked for that. He's with two bosses. Zayfe knows he cant kick Magnus' butt for walking off on gaurd duty - Zayf does it to him too! Why they dont just both sleep is beyond me.....Herd politics are going mad at the moment. Teshan is lead mare, undisputed, in horse society, the female always rules. The equal to her - figuratively speaking - is the herd stallion. At the moment, that would be Shakir. Given, he has no crown jewels, but he had them cut off rather late, so thinks a bit like a stallion. Problem is, Zayf DOES have jewels, and he's now older than any of the other boys were when they were cut. He's starting to get the idea he should be in charge. That he should have the honour of first to the water trough and feed, and most definitely should have access to the lady. That he should say when and where they all sleep, and where they graze at different times of day.
He will kill Shakir. Mum says "Oh no, he wouldnt" but its what stallions do - and they dont mean to. In the wild they fight for territory, food, mares....If the other stallion cant hack it, he hightails it. Unfortunately for Shakir, we have fences. He hightails it, Zayf will chase. With testosterone roaring in his viens he can chase for days while Shakir will be spent in hours. Once his enemy is exhausted, Zayf will bite kick and harry until his enemy is fully defeated - or he's bored. Whichever comes first. He wont MEAN to kill him - Zayfir even loves his older brother - but being a baby and a colt, he wont realize the seriousness of the situation.
Its also a factor that Shakir will defend his position. Shakir has watched Zayf grow up and knows he's a baby where hes a mature horse. He cant possibly understand that though Zayf is less than half his age Zayf already moves faster and weighs more. Its adilly of a pickle - I have no paddocks left.
ugh. Same formula as before. Work. Catch dirtbags, make them pay....Which equals being away more, which raises the chance of the bad things happening. Why is life always a sick cycle.......
Oh yeah, dont tell me, I already know. There is no why.
I remember when I was a teenager, this time of night was when I was just kicking into gear. I'd be on my third coffee, my hand would be numb from writers cramp and the words would just be burning out of me. Mum would be screaming down the hall - "Go to bed! You have school tomorrow!" To which Id reply - "Yeah, yeah" cos school was always too easy, and my intuition told me, make the most of your youth. I knew it would become harder and harder to function on little sleep.
Id just like to apologise for my lack of apostrophes and spelling mistakes. I used to be down right pedantic about it, but Ive gotten accustomed to writing on the new word version - its learned my style and automatically corrects my little errors. Im sure you get my drift.
All the stories mentioned above still exist and are patiently gathering dust until I take them up again. At the moment Im working on a little novel, and I want to finish it before I do anything else. Ive had some ideas for '2084' and other things Im working on, but like I said, this newbie's got to come first. Theres reasons.
Today was just a brilliant day. Kman and I bummed around a little, then went into a frenzy cleaning house and cutting wood. I then wrestled with Itunes for about 3 hours - importing cds is bloody tedious enough, without all the extra problems of it mysteriously saving songs twice, some with names, some without.....And songs appearing on the Ipod that I thought I had deleted from the playlist all together? My computer took the oppurtunity to tell me I was a fuckwit - "I cant get track names when you wont allow me to connect to the internet!" but I gave it a good throttle when I realized what it had done. Even after giving it permission to access track names, most still werent named. And as I mentioned, deleted songs popping up and saving to the ipod....And the computer calls me a fuckwit?
I have to be nice to it though, its too good to me, and when the playstation and the dvd player both say "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" its the only thing that will play my dvds.
So, hows it going?
I love my job. I love it so much Im not going to talk about it, and thats huge for a verbal spurter like me. No job ever has inspired me like this, but, as so often happens to me, Im completely in two minds....
The hours are SO long. 8am till 6pm every day plus the first two saturdays of the month. I miss my animals so much - Xiara, my oldest pet, is depressed. Binky is so confused and upset. Even Zayf, who didnt see a whole lot of me anyway, is missing me fiercely. Wist is downright traumatized. Binky has taken to unpacking my workbag - pulling out things I need thinking I wont go. Theres my darling kookaburras, who dont get their meat in the afternoons anymore, and my eight koels who I thought had migrated on, but found out today are still here. I miss them so much, its like a fierce keening.
And usually, when I feel like that, work begins to drag through my nerves like razor blades. Every second feels like an hour, any task makes me feel physically ill and I start praying I'll get hit by a car or something, so I dont have to go.
But I love this job. The second I walk through the door my mind is snap focused, clear on what needs to be done, even if, as a new girl, Im still confused on some procedure. I go down for a smoke, and the second Im out the door I start to think...."What if one of mine calls while Im out? I really dont want anyone else taking the call, Im the only one who can do it properly" and scream back upstairs lest it should happen. Im suceeding and doing well and Im finding it easy to cut smokes down, stop drinking, all because I want a clear and focused mind.
Kman and I have had a few roaring fights - a common occurance when the power shifts - and I think he was downright shocked when I told him - "I need you. You dont need me. I hate that, I hate that so much - you are the one chink in my armour. Part of me is desperate for you to leave so I can prove to myself that I actually dont need you."
Well, that sorted things out, as well as a few other things.....As usual when we have a fight that ends wth "IM LEAVING YOU!" We end up stronger than ever. Baffling.
Life sure is kickin on....I know I'll feel so much better when I get paid....Its monthly pay see, and I started at the beginning of the cycle. Im sure youve all been there - not only do I have to wait a month for it, but once it comes, half goes straight out to pay back the last month. Then the other half pays the month in advance, so in short. you get nada to spend for 2 months. Its gruelling its unrewarding. Only one thing to do. Catch more dirtbags! Get commissions!
You may wonder how my nightmares are going....Ah, well. Hmm. They took an unexpected turn when Kman said he was leaving me. Im one messed up chick. Im sure you'll read the novel. Nothing will be explained. Its better that way. Its a horrid truth that the only ones who will truly understand the depths of what I am saying are the ones I truly dont want to know. So why am I writing it? Because I feel compelled to, because the words come easy, because its fun to read. Its modern and its written in slang and its told like two teenagers drinking would tell it. If you like, its a metaphor for the human spirit, the darkness in even the most innocent, and the truth that violence in someone's life isnt needed to turn them into a beast.
Im feeling slack for not doing the hot water bottles for Talli Wist and Pige - Its not that cold. Theres a bit of a chill, but Im quite comfortable here with no fire, they can cope surely.
Scary moment earlier - Kman and I were having an excited discussion and as it tends to do my voice rose. There was a godawful CLUNK on the side of the house - we scurry out to check on things. We find Magnus snuggled to the side of the house, listening to the conversation and wanting to be in on it. A sweep with the torch shows Zayfe curled up asleep - I put it together in seconds, Mags was on gaurd duty, got bored, heard our voices, wandered away, leaving Zayfe for lion fodder, and came over to listen to us and hopefully get invited in for a cup of tea. When I explained this to Kman he said, "But I saw Spirit down the back checking it out too - if it woke him up, how did Zayfe sleep through it?" I gave him a wry look, "I think Spirit is shirking gaurd duty too."
He's gonna get his butt kicked for that. He's with two bosses. Zayfe knows he cant kick Magnus' butt for walking off on gaurd duty - Zayf does it to him too! Why they dont just both sleep is beyond me.....Herd politics are going mad at the moment. Teshan is lead mare, undisputed, in horse society, the female always rules. The equal to her - figuratively speaking - is the herd stallion. At the moment, that would be Shakir. Given, he has no crown jewels, but he had them cut off rather late, so thinks a bit like a stallion. Problem is, Zayf DOES have jewels, and he's now older than any of the other boys were when they were cut. He's starting to get the idea he should be in charge. That he should have the honour of first to the water trough and feed, and most definitely should have access to the lady. That he should say when and where they all sleep, and where they graze at different times of day.
He will kill Shakir. Mum says "Oh no, he wouldnt" but its what stallions do - and they dont mean to. In the wild they fight for territory, food, mares....If the other stallion cant hack it, he hightails it. Unfortunately for Shakir, we have fences. He hightails it, Zayf will chase. With testosterone roaring in his viens he can chase for days while Shakir will be spent in hours. Once his enemy is exhausted, Zayf will bite kick and harry until his enemy is fully defeated - or he's bored. Whichever comes first. He wont MEAN to kill him - Zayfir even loves his older brother - but being a baby and a colt, he wont realize the seriousness of the situation.
Its also a factor that Shakir will defend his position. Shakir has watched Zayf grow up and knows he's a baby where hes a mature horse. He cant possibly understand that though Zayf is less than half his age Zayf already moves faster and weighs more. Its adilly of a pickle - I have no paddocks left.
ugh. Same formula as before. Work. Catch dirtbags, make them pay....Which equals being away more, which raises the chance of the bad things happening. Why is life always a sick cycle.......
Oh yeah, dont tell me, I already know. There is no why.
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Comment by tlcorbin
Raven
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Tracy
Comment by Louie
Climate Red
randomthoughts
Phil's Wellness Tips
enjoyable words, as always.
Louie
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
That gave me a good chuckle. Not only is it calling you a fuckwit, it also sounds like it is whining. I love technology that won't stop nagging. Like the car that beeps incessantly when you open the door with the keys still in the ignition.
Yes I know I haven't taken the keys out...shut the fuck up....I'm the human- I know what I am doing!
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Oh my god, I wanted to smash it to smithereens.
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
always easy to savour the weekends, todays blissful, dark and its roast day! Got a tale for today Im about to share that will have you in stitches!
Eh.....Dont be scared of mum....The reason she's so vicious is because if a man speaks to her the right way she throws herself at him! Then blames them, of course.
Tracy,
LOL!!! We had a washing machine that just gave up - it was computerized and even though its a washing machine, it hated water. If a tiny bit of dampness got into the control panel, it beeped furiously and refused to work. I dented it thoroughly as kicking it seemed to work. Even though we have a new one now, Im still tempted to take the axe to the old one....
Louie
Ah, thanks! I just dont have time for apstrophes any more....Even though I detest being one of those people whos murdering the english language. I do love it so!
Ruby,
Oh man. My computer NEVER stops whining. I have norton, so every time I have more than one window open I get pop up windows - "RULES CREATED FOR THE PROGRAM!!" Even if I click on it and read it it refuses to go away. Every five seconds it says "PROGRAM ATTEMPTING TO ACCESS THE INTERNET! WARNING! WARNING" Ive fiddled with the security settings, its still hyper.
And, as you can see above Ive had my own tangle with washing machines.....When Im pissed of Im still gonna go kill it..."Hey you. Remember me? Yeah, remember that night after work I needed my clothes washed and you refused to wash? Just beeped an error code at me for HOURS? Yeah, thought I forgot didnt you? Meet my friend, the axe. He doesnt beep!"