Of Trust and Nightmares
November 14th 2007 06:58
The heavens have opened above us. When I was getting on the train to the city, I saw the clouds, but I had no idea it would be hanging over my beloved mountains as I got off the train an hour later. Quickly to home, and get everyone secured before it blew - And didnt it just! Thunder and lighting and whirling winds and some damn cold rain, thats still coming down now.
I made an attempt to go through my old posts and work out everything Ive said so far about certain instances of violence in my life. I dont think I found them all, but heres case in point, for all of you who know me and know what Im on about - Im having those bloody nightmares again. And nightmares bug me cos I SO need my sleep right now, still, despite that, I could live with nightmares, its when they intrude into my waking mind that I cant stand it.....
I asked a dear friend to interpret a few, and she was extremely helpful, mostly for the observation that they seemed cyclical. And yes, they are. By my will or his? Thats still the deepest mystery.
From a very young age, I believed I could control men. That I knew what they wanted and needed. Despite playing a very dangerous game with a bunch of young men (some who knew each other, too) I was doing pretty good at it. Until my 19th birthday party. That was when I found out that these games are great and you can win - just so long as the other side is still playing by 'the rules'. When guys decide they dont like the rules, you're gonna get bruised.
I love being myself around people. Im so honest, genuine and enthusiastic that I just bring out the best in people without meaning to. I also, (even though I KNOW better) like to believe the best about them. Thats just how you get into trouble.
A few years ago, at work, I started to see 'That Look' in the eyes of a work mate. Now we were buddies, I comforted him when his mum went to hospital, etc, but Im so very wary of 'That Look'. I know what comes after it. You could tell he was getting a bit obsessed. Occassionally, coming in from the break room or whatever, he'd sling an arm around my shoulder, or ask for a hug. Even when my innards were lurching and my alarm centres blaring, I allowed this contact. "Innocent, totally innocent" I told myself. I urged myself not to get freaked out - not to see things that werent there just because Id had some bad experiences with guys with no self control. I just kept being myself.....With an eye on things.
One night, on a very late night shift, tired, thinking of the end of shift so hard I was already home, he cornered me. I didnt even realize at first that he had cut off my line of escape - not until he had an arm pinned around me and started feeling me up. I couldnt get away, even though I struggled, and was so paraysed with fear for a bit I just couldnt speak. Luckily someone came by - I shot out of there. I reported the incident but nothing was done, and I left a bit after that.
When I worked at the little fruit shop, it happened again. I quickly became good mates with the night manager because I worked the evenings. I saw 'That Look' from very early on and man, was my gaurd up! I never went anywhere alone with him - to the cool room or back packing area for instance - if he gave me a lift home I watched both his hands every second of the time. I fielded the raunchy jokes and suggestive comments every where I could, not taking the bait but turning cheek and making nothing of it. I was starting to get worried - how long could I keep it up? When he found a better job and left.
He still calls me occassionally. Just to make sure Im not single.
Ultimately, I blame myself for all this - every single damn time. The first was my fault because I bloody asked for it - I put myself in a very dangerous situation and am not surprised in the slightest that danger happened. The second was my fault because I allowed physical contact and wasnt on the ball enough to ensure that sort of situation never happened. See, I was careful at the fruit shop - keeping my situations danger free.
Well, its happened again.
Someone at work has it for me - and not just gee-your-cute but WOW-you are awesome! It was flattering at first. Then passingly cute. Now, frankly, Im getting a bit scared.
Am I only scared because of my previous situations? (duh) Really, am I only scared because Im currently having nightmares down this train of thought? Is this guy perfectly innocent, or are my alarm bells spot on.....Again?
Its just little things. Every time he walks past, a slap on the arm, rub on the back or shoulder. A very scary moment when he rubbed my inner leg with his broom. He gave me a lift to the station and in a 5 min trip he manged to grab my knee twice.
In my experience, guys cannot look and not touch. In my EXPERIENCE (goddammit) this sort of behaviour is going to walk straight into BIG FUCKING TROUBLE!!
Once again, its my fault. Im too open with him, Ive allowed him to flirt even though I dont reciprocate and some part of me feels sorry that he cant have what he wants - me - so Im soft on him.
So here we go again. Dancing a fine line between friendly and firm. How the hell can I continue to be my open, honest and genuine self when Ive got to keep an eye on this shit? And why does it always have to happen?
Rant complete. This Sucks.
I made an attempt to go through my old posts and work out everything Ive said so far about certain instances of violence in my life. I dont think I found them all, but heres case in point, for all of you who know me and know what Im on about - Im having those bloody nightmares again. And nightmares bug me cos I SO need my sleep right now, still, despite that, I could live with nightmares, its when they intrude into my waking mind that I cant stand it.....
I asked a dear friend to interpret a few, and she was extremely helpful, mostly for the observation that they seemed cyclical. And yes, they are. By my will or his? Thats still the deepest mystery.
From a very young age, I believed I could control men. That I knew what they wanted and needed. Despite playing a very dangerous game with a bunch of young men (some who knew each other, too) I was doing pretty good at it. Until my 19th birthday party. That was when I found out that these games are great and you can win - just so long as the other side is still playing by 'the rules'. When guys decide they dont like the rules, you're gonna get bruised.
I love being myself around people. Im so honest, genuine and enthusiastic that I just bring out the best in people without meaning to. I also, (even though I KNOW better) like to believe the best about them. Thats just how you get into trouble.
A few years ago, at work, I started to see 'That Look' in the eyes of a work mate. Now we were buddies, I comforted him when his mum went to hospital, etc, but Im so very wary of 'That Look'. I know what comes after it. You could tell he was getting a bit obsessed. Occassionally, coming in from the break room or whatever, he'd sling an arm around my shoulder, or ask for a hug. Even when my innards were lurching and my alarm centres blaring, I allowed this contact. "Innocent, totally innocent" I told myself. I urged myself not to get freaked out - not to see things that werent there just because Id had some bad experiences with guys with no self control. I just kept being myself.....With an eye on things.
One night, on a very late night shift, tired, thinking of the end of shift so hard I was already home, he cornered me. I didnt even realize at first that he had cut off my line of escape - not until he had an arm pinned around me and started feeling me up. I couldnt get away, even though I struggled, and was so paraysed with fear for a bit I just couldnt speak. Luckily someone came by - I shot out of there. I reported the incident but nothing was done, and I left a bit after that.
When I worked at the little fruit shop, it happened again. I quickly became good mates with the night manager because I worked the evenings. I saw 'That Look' from very early on and man, was my gaurd up! I never went anywhere alone with him - to the cool room or back packing area for instance - if he gave me a lift home I watched both his hands every second of the time. I fielded the raunchy jokes and suggestive comments every where I could, not taking the bait but turning cheek and making nothing of it. I was starting to get worried - how long could I keep it up? When he found a better job and left.
He still calls me occassionally. Just to make sure Im not single.
Ultimately, I blame myself for all this - every single damn time. The first was my fault because I bloody asked for it - I put myself in a very dangerous situation and am not surprised in the slightest that danger happened. The second was my fault because I allowed physical contact and wasnt on the ball enough to ensure that sort of situation never happened. See, I was careful at the fruit shop - keeping my situations danger free.
Well, its happened again.
Someone at work has it for me - and not just gee-your-cute but WOW-you are awesome! It was flattering at first. Then passingly cute. Now, frankly, Im getting a bit scared.
Am I only scared because of my previous situations? (duh) Really, am I only scared because Im currently having nightmares down this train of thought? Is this guy perfectly innocent, or are my alarm bells spot on.....Again?
Its just little things. Every time he walks past, a slap on the arm, rub on the back or shoulder. A very scary moment when he rubbed my inner leg with his broom. He gave me a lift to the station and in a 5 min trip he manged to grab my knee twice.
In my experience, guys cannot look and not touch. In my EXPERIENCE (goddammit) this sort of behaviour is going to walk straight into BIG FUCKING TROUBLE!!
Once again, its my fault. Im too open with him, Ive allowed him to flirt even though I dont reciprocate and some part of me feels sorry that he cant have what he wants - me - so Im soft on him.
So here we go again. Dancing a fine line between friendly and firm. How the hell can I continue to be my open, honest and genuine self when Ive got to keep an eye on this shit? And why does it always have to happen?
Rant complete. This Sucks.
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Comment by alasolo
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Someone never taught those men(?) what being a man is all about.
Perhaps you should go to the mounties and report this unwanted interest and put them on notice about the situation; once notified, they share in the starry eyed mounty's conduct and I wouldn't stop there.
Remember, the more publicly open you are, the harder it will be for anyone to condone unwanted attention. A nice well worded newspaper article could help. Silence can not help.
We could send in a hit raven to crap on his head..
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
So great to meet you - Ive been on your page and I love your writing. Im honoured by your visit. I get what your saying, Im only new there so I tried to make friends fast. We got on and chatted but it escalated so QUICKLY to this stage - why do guys have to do it? Its always the same, shes a vision, shes a goddess, no, shes just a girl - why, shes not THAT great and perfect, she deserves me to dirty her a bit. Hes going to meet my man soon, if looking (way) up into his vicious and protective eyes doesnt do it, I will be speaking up. Thanks so much for your comment.
Raven,
So wonderous to see you....How I love to be in the company/ comfort of real men who understand a smile does not mean consent!
As I mentioned above, he will be meeting my very large, very protective and very vicious fiancee soon. If that doesnt cut him down, yes, I will be seeking the chain of command to do something about it.
*giggles* Hit Raven is always appreciated and fully employed.
Its just such a mystery to me that it ALWAYS happens....Every workplace! Damn, is 'victim' written on my head?