Ridiculous
October 3rd 2007 20:34
I feel ridiculous.
Im wearing black pants that are supposed to look smart. However, they are at least 5 years old with a faded sash. One of mums (too small) singlets in an interesting kahki and a denim look half sleeve blouse over it. My hair isnt braided - its barely pulled up. No make up. And what am I going to wear with this ensamble? My riding boots.
Cos, you see, I tried the sandal and skirts thing on Tue. I was so uncomfortable I almost went mad. My long boots are an impossability, but funnily enough, my riding boots dont upset the toe.
I feel ridiculous.
Speaking of going mad, I spoke to my manager yesterday. Shes so lovely, Im in love with her honestly. Shes the best. Understands my conflicts exactly. Wish I could stay with her.....
But Kman and I got to talking about lying at lunch. How he just doesnt see anything wrong with it. He asked me WHY I have to tell the truth. I answered because it causes me pain. Literal, physical pan. It doesnt help that Im a magnificent liar, a brilliant actress - I just cant do it. Also, Im Sidhe, and its utterly forbidden in our culture - It protects the honour of your word.
I told him - If someone needed you to do something, in a warlike situation or whatever, and you INTENDED to do it, you MEANT to do it, couldnt wait, and said "I give you my word I will do this" that sentence, even if you MEANT to do this thing, means NOTHING. Less than nothing, because youre a LIAR!!
He said he didnt understand the question. I told him it wasnt one.
Last night, Spirit destroyed a wire fence and cut himself up a bit. Things went a bit slower, and I come in to find Kman moaning. Hes hurt his back he says, plus, all the public transport was cancelled. Hes very pissed off.....
Dont think Im not sympathetic. But I just knocked in a star picket, re strung wire and electric fence, plus feeding and putting on a roast chicken. I got up earlier. I know that moaning - the pain in his shoulders from something pulled. Thats what happens when you dont give a damn about your body, when you just let it go, trust it will look after itself. It fails every time.
Speaking of which, Ive lost weight already, and my arms are returning. After 2 days of workouts and water and tea, thats fantastic. Wait till I add salad and popcorn and vitamin C and antioxidants!
But Kman and I fought about something else too, last night.....
I dont know how we got on the topic. He said something about work. Id coddled him, brought him his food, tried to cheer him up. Nothing had worked. I lost it.
"IF you died at work, if a pallett crushed you or something, you would not think this attituide was honourable - to hurt yourself, to say 'oh, If I collapse I'll do it at work' to push and push - youd turn around, youd look at your poor dead body, and say, my god, I wasted my life. Why did I get up too early, put myself through physical agony, for bastards that always have unreasonable demands? I should have worked cash in hand jobs and got smashed everyday."
He told me that he couldnt just change jobs. He doesnt have anyone standing around supporting HIM.
See how he does that? Chucks a barb in but acts all innocent?
I did not bother to explain to him, that him being there did not enable my choices. My choices are as they are - I would have lived my life the same, by these principles, no matter what. Id take the drama as it comes, Id do what needed to be done in order to stay afloat, no matter what that may be. But I will not live in a state where the job is more important than my life. The way it has always been, and always will be, is if a 'job' interferes too deeply with me, Im gone. Bye Bye, lifes too short for that shit!
They havnt done that....Not yet. Thanks to my dear manager.
But it hurts me, that Kman cant grasp the concept. The concept of mortality, of a wasted life, of being in the moment of now and spending it every single second. That he doesnt understand the relationship between looking after yourself and a pain free body.
Sometimes, I have no idea who he is.
It certainly is ridiculous.
Im wearing black pants that are supposed to look smart. However, they are at least 5 years old with a faded sash. One of mums (too small) singlets in an interesting kahki and a denim look half sleeve blouse over it. My hair isnt braided - its barely pulled up. No make up. And what am I going to wear with this ensamble? My riding boots.
Cos, you see, I tried the sandal and skirts thing on Tue. I was so uncomfortable I almost went mad. My long boots are an impossability, but funnily enough, my riding boots dont upset the toe.
I feel ridiculous.
Speaking of going mad, I spoke to my manager yesterday. Shes so lovely, Im in love with her honestly. Shes the best. Understands my conflicts exactly. Wish I could stay with her.....
But Kman and I got to talking about lying at lunch. How he just doesnt see anything wrong with it. He asked me WHY I have to tell the truth. I answered because it causes me pain. Literal, physical pan. It doesnt help that Im a magnificent liar, a brilliant actress - I just cant do it. Also, Im Sidhe, and its utterly forbidden in our culture - It protects the honour of your word.
I told him - If someone needed you to do something, in a warlike situation or whatever, and you INTENDED to do it, you MEANT to do it, couldnt wait, and said "I give you my word I will do this" that sentence, even if you MEANT to do this thing, means NOTHING. Less than nothing, because youre a LIAR!!
He said he didnt understand the question. I told him it wasnt one.
Last night, Spirit destroyed a wire fence and cut himself up a bit. Things went a bit slower, and I come in to find Kman moaning. Hes hurt his back he says, plus, all the public transport was cancelled. Hes very pissed off.....
Dont think Im not sympathetic. But I just knocked in a star picket, re strung wire and electric fence, plus feeding and putting on a roast chicken. I got up earlier. I know that moaning - the pain in his shoulders from something pulled. Thats what happens when you dont give a damn about your body, when you just let it go, trust it will look after itself. It fails every time.
Speaking of which, Ive lost weight already, and my arms are returning. After 2 days of workouts and water and tea, thats fantastic. Wait till I add salad and popcorn and vitamin C and antioxidants!
But Kman and I fought about something else too, last night.....
I dont know how we got on the topic. He said something about work. Id coddled him, brought him his food, tried to cheer him up. Nothing had worked. I lost it.
"IF you died at work, if a pallett crushed you or something, you would not think this attituide was honourable - to hurt yourself, to say 'oh, If I collapse I'll do it at work' to push and push - youd turn around, youd look at your poor dead body, and say, my god, I wasted my life. Why did I get up too early, put myself through physical agony, for bastards that always have unreasonable demands? I should have worked cash in hand jobs and got smashed everyday."
He told me that he couldnt just change jobs. He doesnt have anyone standing around supporting HIM.
See how he does that? Chucks a barb in but acts all innocent?
I did not bother to explain to him, that him being there did not enable my choices. My choices are as they are - I would have lived my life the same, by these principles, no matter what. Id take the drama as it comes, Id do what needed to be done in order to stay afloat, no matter what that may be. But I will not live in a state where the job is more important than my life. The way it has always been, and always will be, is if a 'job' interferes too deeply with me, Im gone. Bye Bye, lifes too short for that shit!
They havnt done that....Not yet. Thanks to my dear manager.
But it hurts me, that Kman cant grasp the concept. The concept of mortality, of a wasted life, of being in the moment of now and spending it every single second. That he doesnt understand the relationship between looking after yourself and a pain free body.
Sometimes, I have no idea who he is.
It certainly is ridiculous.
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Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
wow! that`s quite a post. I hope that the fires have calmed a little around your place.
I must admit that I live a lie - I despise my job with a passion. I get up everyday and drag my heels out the front door and spend hours doing mind-numbing things - but it`s a means to an end because it will eventually get me what I want. I coudl`nt do it for the rest of my life though - no way I need to be passionate about what i do or else i would go insane very quickly.
I think there is a difference - well there is in my books - about slaving everyday for 'The Man' just because you have to, and slaving away for 'The Man' to finally achieve your own goals.
I guess some people are content with different things and it`s in finding the respectful balance that we all strive for.
I hope you had a better day today.
Ash
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I despise leaving my animals, but I dont mind getting up and going to work. That will change when I go to the horse unit, Im sure.
I didnt mean it quite that way - Im sure, if you're sick, you dont say "I'll just collapse at work" you dont put the rest of your life and health and pleasure at risk just for some mistaken sense of duty. Thats my point. Its just wrong.
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
I used to be an exceptional liar...to my dad. But I finally grew up, didn't need to lie anymore and my talent has gone. Thankfully, I do feel odd if I do tell a lie. I'm glad that it is not as natural as it used to be.
I try not let 'The Man' dictate my life. That's my I'm a stay at home mum. It's a financially stupid idea (for us anyway) and that does cause me stress, but I get to be with my kids.
Like Ash, I've had a couple of those job that I absolutely despised, and had to drag myself out of bed, but I got out of those. Like you K, there's a bigger plan here.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
staying at home is a financially stupid idea for me too...But the amount of injuries that have been sustained while Im away tells me something different.
The big plan is a bit hard to see at times. I feel like Im betraying myself...But theres nothing I can do about it.
Thanks for your thoughtful words...Always insightful!