Saturday and Sunday
January 14th 2008 02:45
The one piece of advice Kleonaptra is sure to give you, anytime, always and forever, is, - "Be careful what you ask for the universe will surely give it to you."
Now, understand the careful difference between Wish and Ask. The Catholic Church, in particular, urges you to pray out loud to God. The Universe is fair - in a sense. You can think, you can dream, you can wish. You can build great detailed castles in the sky. But usually, all that you actually voice is pieces, parts, of these magnificent dreams.
And thus, you recieve what you asked for, not what you wished for.
I once asked the universe - "what is insanity anyway? How is it different to sanity? How do you tell?" As I had, for years, shuttled myself towards the abyss, danced precariously along its edge, then dipped and swung back onto the firm rock. I felt hung between security and nothingness - I never possesed either of them. And thus it was granted to me - I knew insanity.
Both Saturday and Sunday had big plans that were mostly being argued over. So, Saturday, I get up nice and early, get dressed in some loose, comfy clothes, pack my cd and head off for the mri. Like a little troop mum and Kman came with me. It was mostly uneventful - the radiologist did not have to shoot me up with radioactive dye, I had to restrain myself from singing out loud to fallout boy throughout the procedure. The thrumming and movements of the spinning magnet were, in fact, comforting....And with my eyes closed and the mournful, authority bucking sounds of the music filtering through the sounds of humming machinery, within my eyes I found the void.....Endless, like swimming in cool endless water except the water is your body, and you moving and rising within it is only an illusion until you become one with it once more.
Like I said - mostly uneventful. I found one of my new white gold hoops was tarnished - supposedly impossible in a true metal. A mystery.
So, we come home and collapse in relief for an hour or so. Then we go to inspect the new property and find it sorely wanting. We troop back to the car, we gotta get home, theres still much to do and we've left the ducks out. All into the car - Mum turns the key....Click. Nothin.
I assume a cord is loose - we did, after all, pull over to the rocky shoulder to get into the driveway. Finding no cords loose, no fuses blown, we decide to clutch start it. Mums old car HAD to be clutch started, we always parked on hills. I gained more experience in the matter with ALL of my first boyfriends cars. Parking on hills, parking on slants to ensure the petrol swished the right way. I think I know every way to force a car to start.
So Kman says you direct traffic, I'll get her onto the slope out of the driveway.
And he cant move it.
God knows why - he's easily 4 times the size of me and seems to have great experience in using his aura to 'oomph' up his natural strength. However, I race around, plant my hands on the bumper, drive my heels into the ground like a fulcrum, and SHOVE with everything - physical and meta - that Ive got. The car leaps out of its ditch and over the tiny hump like its a toy. We get it over the road, then he needs my help again. Then he cant push it fast enough! Christ! With me leading him to BOLT while pushing, mum gains enough speed and clutch starts it. Hooray.
We get home and the rest of the day is a blur - a backyard mechanic from over the road gives us a hand. We take it out to charge the battery, not doing the groceries or anything else that needs doing. We bolt home under the promise of a brutal storm that never hits and only makes us hotter.
The car dies again. Mums off fixing it while I finish up the day. I have not agreed to go to the family thing on the sunday, yet somehow Ive found some clothes, hunted down my engagement ring (that I never wear) and prepared. Thats mums power over me.
I wake on sunday morning. I cant move. My arms - theyre radiating pain through the upper and forearm muscles. The muscles that attach to them through the shoulders are screaming, pulling wails from those in my lower back. Down my thighs, my calves, my muscles ache as if there are knives protruding from them.
Ive slept about 16 hours, and Im still not healed. Im so angry with my body - It wont obey me! Even in pain I can always force it to move, it is mine after all! I completely understand the trauma Ive put it through, and I understand its recovery time. I looked after it, and it didnt come through for me.
Mum knocks on the door and murmurs something about leaving soon. I spit something barely intelligable about not getting up yet.
I bury my head in the pillows and start to cry. I almost never do, except in grief or surprise, pain. Soon Im bawling, and that just hurts more. Kman gives comforting a try, but after a brief lashing from my powerful voice, retreats quickly. Im not a friendly creature when Im in pain.
And this is so much pain. Emotionally - I cant believe mum still expects me to go. That in her own selfish purposes she will torture me if needs be to get what she wants. I feel like a little child, terrified by the parental figure, not a strong, 25 year old woman.
Physically - I cant believe I was so stupid I didnt see this coming. To push a car almost entirely on my own and think there would be no repercussion. My arms are trembling with the effort of THINKING of moving, and my legs are taking it up too. Amoungst all this muscle pain I can think of only one thing - It pushes everything from my mind, the family do, mum and all her selfish torture, Kman and whatever he's thinking, all my babies and what they need - its all pushed far far way on a blinding wave of panic.
Im thinking about how hot it is in the stables at work. Of how, after about 5 minutes of work my right arm will go numb from shoveling the heavy wet straw. The sweat that pours down your face like rain, taking your strength with it. Im thinking of how my back aches when Im done, how my arms and legs tremble. And how you desperately try and think of anything else until you have to go back in there.
Im feeling my arms aching and shaking, my legs groaning. Im thinking I cant work like this!
I start stumbling around and make it as far as the couch before Im laying down again. The bed was hurting my back. I cant lift my coffee cup and my cigarette hand is shaking. Kman asks with curiousity - "Are you just stiff or what?" and gets growled at - I am, after all, in real PAIN which is not friends with mere stiffness at all.
I down some painkillers. Indulge in my favourite drug a little. Now I just feel shaky and weird. Like the pain areas are blank spots, weak spots. I start crying again when I think of work. Mums fairly sympathetic.
She says she'll call them for me. Sick for monday. I agree. I know, if I try to work before this is recovered, I'll do myself some serious damage. I feel bad - you cant imagine how bad - as a sick day would be highly inconveniant about now, but the terror Im feeling quickly puts that into perspective. She calls, reports back that alls ok, she spoke to the person in charge ands its all recorded. Now get in the shower and get ready.
I do. My mothers power again. Im somehow showered and dressed and ready and crawling out to the car. My first attempt at walking a distance. Utterly pathetic. Now comes the fun part. Mum needs a navigator to drive long distances and I HATE IT. She doesnt listen, doesnt trust, even though she wrote the instructions down! I crawl into the back seat, plug my ipod into my head and curl up to sleep. I hear their frantic, arguing voices and am often woken by the harsh slam on of the brakes. We are in the car about 2 hours and I down 2 painkillers toward the end of the trip.
There is a point that I almost cry again. Funny how the worst of pain is so detailed yet so wordless at the same time. Its mum, making me come when Im in so much pain and just not understanding, not caring, not respecting. Its Kman not managing to navigate. Its my babies, at home, all alone without mommy. Its work coming thats going to take me away from them, and hurt me and make me tired. Its the fact I still need to go for moneys sake. Its the darkness of the void lit with frantic stripes of surging pain. Something in me cracks, shatters, way down low. Theres a sound to it.....
So we get there. Its been so long since we saw each other we are all standing off - kisses and cuddles and "How are yous?" are so stilted and insincere. I hardly recognise those I do share blood with. I'll say one thing for my family, awesome genetics! Everyone is frighteningly attractive, perhaps its where the bitchyness began. Everyones shuffling nervously around Kman - Ive been with him for 7 years and Im wearing his ring yet no ones ever met him.
They all seem to have popped out babies, save only one of my cousins, and we are late enough to have missed the food and a few people and neither of my brothers bothered to show up. We eat, we drink, we sit through some prodding before we leave again. Im watching 3 rather fierce storms patrolling around and I know at least one has hit home - my babies, and Im not there.
I navigate. Its far more painless that way. Once we are safely on the road to home I tell Kman - If you argue with the map, the driver doesnt need to know. Mum has a tendency to put little sideroads or cross streets in her directions - with the map in front of me I make out the shortest points and just tell her where to turn.
We get home - theres evidence of flooding but all seem well. I get zayf under the front porch and magnus under the carport, and they get towelled off and rugged, but the other country bumbkins dont need it. I go to bed early, again, yet cant sleep. Im so worked up Im thinking of getting up....When I realize Ive woken up. So I must have been asleep, right?
Now, understand the careful difference between Wish and Ask. The Catholic Church, in particular, urges you to pray out loud to God. The Universe is fair - in a sense. You can think, you can dream, you can wish. You can build great detailed castles in the sky. But usually, all that you actually voice is pieces, parts, of these magnificent dreams.
And thus, you recieve what you asked for, not what you wished for.
I once asked the universe - "what is insanity anyway? How is it different to sanity? How do you tell?" As I had, for years, shuttled myself towards the abyss, danced precariously along its edge, then dipped and swung back onto the firm rock. I felt hung between security and nothingness - I never possesed either of them. And thus it was granted to me - I knew insanity.
Both Saturday and Sunday had big plans that were mostly being argued over. So, Saturday, I get up nice and early, get dressed in some loose, comfy clothes, pack my cd and head off for the mri. Like a little troop mum and Kman came with me. It was mostly uneventful - the radiologist did not have to shoot me up with radioactive dye, I had to restrain myself from singing out loud to fallout boy throughout the procedure. The thrumming and movements of the spinning magnet were, in fact, comforting....And with my eyes closed and the mournful, authority bucking sounds of the music filtering through the sounds of humming machinery, within my eyes I found the void.....Endless, like swimming in cool endless water except the water is your body, and you moving and rising within it is only an illusion until you become one with it once more.
Like I said - mostly uneventful. I found one of my new white gold hoops was tarnished - supposedly impossible in a true metal. A mystery.
So, we come home and collapse in relief for an hour or so. Then we go to inspect the new property and find it sorely wanting. We troop back to the car, we gotta get home, theres still much to do and we've left the ducks out. All into the car - Mum turns the key....Click. Nothin.
I assume a cord is loose - we did, after all, pull over to the rocky shoulder to get into the driveway. Finding no cords loose, no fuses blown, we decide to clutch start it. Mums old car HAD to be clutch started, we always parked on hills. I gained more experience in the matter with ALL of my first boyfriends cars. Parking on hills, parking on slants to ensure the petrol swished the right way. I think I know every way to force a car to start.
So Kman says you direct traffic, I'll get her onto the slope out of the driveway.
And he cant move it.
God knows why - he's easily 4 times the size of me and seems to have great experience in using his aura to 'oomph' up his natural strength. However, I race around, plant my hands on the bumper, drive my heels into the ground like a fulcrum, and SHOVE with everything - physical and meta - that Ive got. The car leaps out of its ditch and over the tiny hump like its a toy. We get it over the road, then he needs my help again. Then he cant push it fast enough! Christ! With me leading him to BOLT while pushing, mum gains enough speed and clutch starts it. Hooray.
We get home and the rest of the day is a blur - a backyard mechanic from over the road gives us a hand. We take it out to charge the battery, not doing the groceries or anything else that needs doing. We bolt home under the promise of a brutal storm that never hits and only makes us hotter.
The car dies again. Mums off fixing it while I finish up the day. I have not agreed to go to the family thing on the sunday, yet somehow Ive found some clothes, hunted down my engagement ring (that I never wear) and prepared. Thats mums power over me.
I wake on sunday morning. I cant move. My arms - theyre radiating pain through the upper and forearm muscles. The muscles that attach to them through the shoulders are screaming, pulling wails from those in my lower back. Down my thighs, my calves, my muscles ache as if there are knives protruding from them.
Ive slept about 16 hours, and Im still not healed. Im so angry with my body - It wont obey me! Even in pain I can always force it to move, it is mine after all! I completely understand the trauma Ive put it through, and I understand its recovery time. I looked after it, and it didnt come through for me.
Mum knocks on the door and murmurs something about leaving soon. I spit something barely intelligable about not getting up yet.
I bury my head in the pillows and start to cry. I almost never do, except in grief or surprise, pain. Soon Im bawling, and that just hurts more. Kman gives comforting a try, but after a brief lashing from my powerful voice, retreats quickly. Im not a friendly creature when Im in pain.
And this is so much pain. Emotionally - I cant believe mum still expects me to go. That in her own selfish purposes she will torture me if needs be to get what she wants. I feel like a little child, terrified by the parental figure, not a strong, 25 year old woman.
Physically - I cant believe I was so stupid I didnt see this coming. To push a car almost entirely on my own and think there would be no repercussion. My arms are trembling with the effort of THINKING of moving, and my legs are taking it up too. Amoungst all this muscle pain I can think of only one thing - It pushes everything from my mind, the family do, mum and all her selfish torture, Kman and whatever he's thinking, all my babies and what they need - its all pushed far far way on a blinding wave of panic.
Im thinking about how hot it is in the stables at work. Of how, after about 5 minutes of work my right arm will go numb from shoveling the heavy wet straw. The sweat that pours down your face like rain, taking your strength with it. Im thinking of how my back aches when Im done, how my arms and legs tremble. And how you desperately try and think of anything else until you have to go back in there.
Im feeling my arms aching and shaking, my legs groaning. Im thinking I cant work like this!
I start stumbling around and make it as far as the couch before Im laying down again. The bed was hurting my back. I cant lift my coffee cup and my cigarette hand is shaking. Kman asks with curiousity - "Are you just stiff or what?" and gets growled at - I am, after all, in real PAIN which is not friends with mere stiffness at all.
I down some painkillers. Indulge in my favourite drug a little. Now I just feel shaky and weird. Like the pain areas are blank spots, weak spots. I start crying again when I think of work. Mums fairly sympathetic.
She says she'll call them for me. Sick for monday. I agree. I know, if I try to work before this is recovered, I'll do myself some serious damage. I feel bad - you cant imagine how bad - as a sick day would be highly inconveniant about now, but the terror Im feeling quickly puts that into perspective. She calls, reports back that alls ok, she spoke to the person in charge ands its all recorded. Now get in the shower and get ready.
I do. My mothers power again. Im somehow showered and dressed and ready and crawling out to the car. My first attempt at walking a distance. Utterly pathetic. Now comes the fun part. Mum needs a navigator to drive long distances and I HATE IT. She doesnt listen, doesnt trust, even though she wrote the instructions down! I crawl into the back seat, plug my ipod into my head and curl up to sleep. I hear their frantic, arguing voices and am often woken by the harsh slam on of the brakes. We are in the car about 2 hours and I down 2 painkillers toward the end of the trip.
There is a point that I almost cry again. Funny how the worst of pain is so detailed yet so wordless at the same time. Its mum, making me come when Im in so much pain and just not understanding, not caring, not respecting. Its Kman not managing to navigate. Its my babies, at home, all alone without mommy. Its work coming thats going to take me away from them, and hurt me and make me tired. Its the fact I still need to go for moneys sake. Its the darkness of the void lit with frantic stripes of surging pain. Something in me cracks, shatters, way down low. Theres a sound to it.....
So we get there. Its been so long since we saw each other we are all standing off - kisses and cuddles and "How are yous?" are so stilted and insincere. I hardly recognise those I do share blood with. I'll say one thing for my family, awesome genetics! Everyone is frighteningly attractive, perhaps its where the bitchyness began. Everyones shuffling nervously around Kman - Ive been with him for 7 years and Im wearing his ring yet no ones ever met him.
They all seem to have popped out babies, save only one of my cousins, and we are late enough to have missed the food and a few people and neither of my brothers bothered to show up. We eat, we drink, we sit through some prodding before we leave again. Im watching 3 rather fierce storms patrolling around and I know at least one has hit home - my babies, and Im not there.
I navigate. Its far more painless that way. Once we are safely on the road to home I tell Kman - If you argue with the map, the driver doesnt need to know. Mum has a tendency to put little sideroads or cross streets in her directions - with the map in front of me I make out the shortest points and just tell her where to turn.
We get home - theres evidence of flooding but all seem well. I get zayf under the front porch and magnus under the carport, and they get towelled off and rugged, but the other country bumbkins dont need it. I go to bed early, again, yet cant sleep. Im so worked up Im thinking of getting up....When I realize Ive woken up. So I must have been asleep, right?
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Comment by tlcorbin
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
And yet, they still give it to us, with regularity, dont they?