I read years ago in one of those girly magazines that the majority of problems between women and men occur because women VENT. The problem is, men are problem solvers. So heres the scenario - the woman screams and rages about her work mates or life struggles, and refreshed from her screaming, goes off to do the next thing, having a shower and preparing dinner. In short, she's over it, she's moved on. But the thing is she has just dumped all these problems in her man's lap and LEFT. So by the time she gets back he's brilliantly come up with tactical solutions, and she sits down to dinner ready for an intimate or romantic chat - hell, even just a household chat - and to her horror, her man starts bringing up all the crap she just got over! Worse, the bastard thinks he can SOLVE her problems! How dare he!? How dare he presume to know what to do in her private space, how dare he bring up the things that make her so angry now that she's dead and done with them?

And so either The Fight or The Sex ensues, depending on the relationship. Some of us lucky couples get to do both.

My solution to this problem was to do as the magazine suggested - Tell your man that this is a rant and he need not act on it. The problem with that is, men are usually of action. They cant help being problem solvers. No matter how many times you say "Im just venting" (which makes you feel ridiculous anyway) he will still have those mind wheels turning. Its his job, he's genetically hard wired for it. Its why I say I hate feminisim sometimes - these roles are genetically hardwired in. Even if you are a strong woman capable of the hunt, its still his job to keep you safe and happy. This genetic hardwiring was essential for healthy children in the hunter gatherer days. We cant escape it. So, to stop my man worrying about my problems, I stopped telling him about them. Im very good at handling men. Example - Last night I made dinner, and I wanted to get the dvd started and eat, but Kman was still stuck on a strategy game. A million 'female' comments blew threw my mind, like "Arent you dont yet?" "Dont you want dinner" "Are we going to get started" But no, no, you dont say these things to men! Not if you want a happy one. I settled for, "Baby, your dinners getting cold" and WHAM lookie that, game switched off in 5 seconds.

But so, I stopped telling him about them. I have a blog after all, plenty of venting space. My biggest baddest problem I NEVER breathe a whisper to him, because he's a jealous type, and I have been known, in the past, to have erratic behaviours. I believed any breath of a word about my ex would send him into a paranoid jealous spin that would force him to fit me with a gps tracker.

For some reason, last night, we got on the topic. I casually said some things, he fixed me with flinty eyes and said "What?"

I had never told him the truth. I shouldnt be surprised, because you Orblears were the only ones I told the details to, but its like when I wrote the post(which Im not linking to because I like it to be forgotten) I believed everybody knew everything. Only at the end of last year did my best mate find out the truth.

Nothing, ever, in my life, has been hard to talk about. Ask me a one word answer question and I'll give you ten pages. I just cant help myself.

But when I had to TELL SOMEONE, face to face, every detail, my hands shook, my voice cracked. Tears came, the bastards. But last night wasnt quite that hard - Kman literally makes me feel like I can say anything around him, and he'll still love me. We really are best friends.

So I told him everything. Every moment, I couldnt believe that I hadnt told him. I honestly thought he knew.

I always wondered why I never got that protective "I'll kill him" response other men have had. It disappionted me, that he didnt get his back up over it when other guys had. It made me feel unloved.

Poor bastard. He didnt know everything that happened!

When Kman gets angry he looks particularly savage. I think its because when he's relaxed he looks so cuddly. But the flinty cold eyes and tense muscles make me nervous when we fight. You can just see savagery leaking out of his pores.

Last night as I told my story, the eyes got colder and colder. I thought the muscles in his arms were going to tear his shirt. The tension was unbelievable. He gritted his teeth. "I cant believe this" He said, "Im so angry!" He barely restrained himself from roaring "He's done with you now! Forget what he said!" And bundled me into those big strong arms, against that broad chest. Reminding me, yes, he's twice the size of my ex. He could pick him up like a twig and break him over his knee. Reminding me, yes, Im partnered. Not alone, NOT ALONE!!! Safe.

Its a hell of a problem Ive dumped on him, to be sure. But its one that a mans good at. So often our communication breaks down becuase of shame, or fear, even the one who knows and loves you best might not understand, and if its shameful, (in your mind if no one else's) then you hide it even deeper.

But such a mistake I made - Who better to tell than the other half of me? I was so afraid he'd take it the wrong way, but now Im just safe. Finally he knows why I wake screaming someone else's name. Finally he knows why I cant let it go, why I have questions. And because he's the ONLY one who truly knows me, he knows why it hurts and how it hurts.

So, Im just saying. Dont vent at your man. You have girlfriends for that. Talk to him instead.

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