That dream again
November 14th 2008 01:13
I threw it at Kman yesterday, when I threw the baby idea at him.
He was delighted, so much so I thought he might roll off the couch. But he refused, taking the rein of good sense, cant have babies now...Too much animal, too little space. I mean, I agree, but come on, is there EVER a 'right time' to have a child? I think its a masterful man cop out. says "I want I want I want" and then when he gets it, "Oh no Oh no Oh no..." because it just occured to me, quite suddeenly, a kid is not something you can plan for. I mean sure, you could try. Kman could save for months saying he's preparing for his kid, and spend it all on the same day it gets born. I know men. They do shit like that. Save and save and save and say "Its for their education" and then get so bloody excited when they see that little face "It looks like me!" (how can you tell?) and go out and buy thousands of dollars worth of baby junk. Ive seen it happen. So I said to him, why not just throw out the contraception? Huh? Its not like you enjoy using rubbers anyway baby, we've been cutting it fine for so long...Why not just do it? And see what happens?
(In 7 years together, we have not once, ever, had a true scare, where my period is late enough to make us worry, where a false positive has driven us to the doctor. Before we met, Kman never had a scare with another woman, and I never had a scare with another man. I have serious clusters of ovarian cysts that misfire occasionally, and Kman had an unfortunate footy accident in his youth that has slightly affected his fertitilty.)
So. It could take literal years to get pregnant anyway! I have full confidence in our abilities to do so, but it would take time for it all to come together. So I see no harm in a little half hearted trying! And, if we succeed there is 9 months to think and plan...This is why I think he's wussing out on me. Also, his super rich family (who strongly believe in kids 'doing it for themselves' and refuse to help out unless it is literally starvation - which I respect) have been pressuring us to breed for about the last 5 years. His wonderful and lovely mother once sat me down and explained that in Kman, the line of their blood is pure, thats why he's the favourite. They have approved me as his brood mare and are eagerly anticipating the birth of the new generation in Australia. Oh sure, the bloods been born here, but not through him. So, if they heard I was pregnant, I have full confidence in them to support us if we needed them. Hell, Id be lucky if they didnt sweep the kid outta my arms seconds after the birth "Good job honey, we'll take it from here!"
So, its that dream of property. When Kman came to me a few weeks ago, he was fully confident in his ability to borrow under a hundred grand to buy undeveloped land. I threw the fact that Im not working at him straight away, and he said it didnt matter, based purely on his wage, he could borrow and pay off that small amount - even if he ended up on centrelink benefits, he said he could afford the repayments. And I could live there. On undeveloped land. YEEHAH!!!
So why the sudden change in tune then hmm? Last night when I reminded him of his land plan, he said he needed me to work for a bit to save a deposit...Hey wait a minute...Last week you said that didnt matter? Come on wussy? Suddenly realized we are a bit too much like our father then? Suddenly sunk in, all those arguments I gave you over the years for NOT having a baby? Like no matter how much of a good father you are, they will still hate you a lot of the time? No matter how good to them you are, those precious babies of yours will one day sit down with their friends and say, "Man, my parents are such retards, they dont know ANYTHING about life?" That they are still likely to blame you for everything and anything, particularly their genetics and the fact that they turned out half ok?
Or was it the fact that like me, you psychic devil, you've seen we're likely to have twins, and you are going to barely restrain yourself from tearing apart a teenaged boy that almost got into your stunning daughter, but when your teenage son comes home you congratulate him for the same thing you almost just killed another boy for? Or was it all this shit that came together in your head like a big splat and scared the living shit out of you?
Kman couldnt even look after his kitten properly. Oh it got fed and watered and lived in a clean enough house, but the amount of times he forgot to buy Sampsons food, and ended up saying, "Here ya go boy, have a raw egg"....I dont think that will cut it with a kid. And Bink! He cant take Bink. She has to be the most annoying animal in creation - Im her mommy, and I get sick of her, but even when I do, I dont smack her (no matter how much I want to - I could kill her) and I dont lose it. I do yell, I do punish, (red card! To your room!) but Kman just LOSES it. Especially when she touches 'His Stuff'. He chases after her (insanely, cartoon funny) waving his arms and screaming. Im getting the feeling for all his big daddy talk, he's actually gonna be his own father over again...Exactly what he does not want. You should see it when my mates bring their kids over. Sure, Im uncomftable, I dont know kids, but I try. People tell me Im good with them, I just try and have fun. I once chased my best mates twins for about an hour. If theyre having fun, its all good I guess, and lucky for me, they adore it at 'Auntie Ks animal house' and cry when they have to leave. But Kman goes all stiff. He cant speak to them. His body language screams - DONT COME NEAR ME!! And kids are as good at body language as horses are.
So Im dreaming of land, and the complete dissipation of everything that anyone out there might call 'normal'. Im lamenting that it was close - so close - at my fingertips even, until yesterday, when I said I wanted to put a little human in the equation.
He was delighted, so much so I thought he might roll off the couch. But he refused, taking the rein of good sense, cant have babies now...Too much animal, too little space. I mean, I agree, but come on, is there EVER a 'right time' to have a child? I think its a masterful man cop out. says "I want I want I want" and then when he gets it, "Oh no Oh no Oh no..." because it just occured to me, quite suddeenly, a kid is not something you can plan for. I mean sure, you could try. Kman could save for months saying he's preparing for his kid, and spend it all on the same day it gets born. I know men. They do shit like that. Save and save and save and say "Its for their education" and then get so bloody excited when they see that little face "It looks like me!" (how can you tell?) and go out and buy thousands of dollars worth of baby junk. Ive seen it happen. So I said to him, why not just throw out the contraception? Huh? Its not like you enjoy using rubbers anyway baby, we've been cutting it fine for so long...Why not just do it? And see what happens?
(In 7 years together, we have not once, ever, had a true scare, where my period is late enough to make us worry, where a false positive has driven us to the doctor. Before we met, Kman never had a scare with another woman, and I never had a scare with another man. I have serious clusters of ovarian cysts that misfire occasionally, and Kman had an unfortunate footy accident in his youth that has slightly affected his fertitilty.)
So. It could take literal years to get pregnant anyway! I have full confidence in our abilities to do so, but it would take time for it all to come together. So I see no harm in a little half hearted trying! And, if we succeed there is 9 months to think and plan...This is why I think he's wussing out on me. Also, his super rich family (who strongly believe in kids 'doing it for themselves' and refuse to help out unless it is literally starvation - which I respect) have been pressuring us to breed for about the last 5 years. His wonderful and lovely mother once sat me down and explained that in Kman, the line of their blood is pure, thats why he's the favourite. They have approved me as his brood mare and are eagerly anticipating the birth of the new generation in Australia. Oh sure, the bloods been born here, but not through him. So, if they heard I was pregnant, I have full confidence in them to support us if we needed them. Hell, Id be lucky if they didnt sweep the kid outta my arms seconds after the birth "Good job honey, we'll take it from here!"
So, its that dream of property. When Kman came to me a few weeks ago, he was fully confident in his ability to borrow under a hundred grand to buy undeveloped land. I threw the fact that Im not working at him straight away, and he said it didnt matter, based purely on his wage, he could borrow and pay off that small amount - even if he ended up on centrelink benefits, he said he could afford the repayments. And I could live there. On undeveloped land. YEEHAH!!!
So why the sudden change in tune then hmm? Last night when I reminded him of his land plan, he said he needed me to work for a bit to save a deposit...Hey wait a minute...Last week you said that didnt matter? Come on wussy? Suddenly realized we are a bit too much like our father then? Suddenly sunk in, all those arguments I gave you over the years for NOT having a baby? Like no matter how much of a good father you are, they will still hate you a lot of the time? No matter how good to them you are, those precious babies of yours will one day sit down with their friends and say, "Man, my parents are such retards, they dont know ANYTHING about life?" That they are still likely to blame you for everything and anything, particularly their genetics and the fact that they turned out half ok?
Or was it the fact that like me, you psychic devil, you've seen we're likely to have twins, and you are going to barely restrain yourself from tearing apart a teenaged boy that almost got into your stunning daughter, but when your teenage son comes home you congratulate him for the same thing you almost just killed another boy for? Or was it all this shit that came together in your head like a big splat and scared the living shit out of you?
Kman couldnt even look after his kitten properly. Oh it got fed and watered and lived in a clean enough house, but the amount of times he forgot to buy Sampsons food, and ended up saying, "Here ya go boy, have a raw egg"....I dont think that will cut it with a kid. And Bink! He cant take Bink. She has to be the most annoying animal in creation - Im her mommy, and I get sick of her, but even when I do, I dont smack her (no matter how much I want to - I could kill her) and I dont lose it. I do yell, I do punish, (red card! To your room!) but Kman just LOSES it. Especially when she touches 'His Stuff'. He chases after her (insanely, cartoon funny) waving his arms and screaming. Im getting the feeling for all his big daddy talk, he's actually gonna be his own father over again...Exactly what he does not want. You should see it when my mates bring their kids over. Sure, Im uncomftable, I dont know kids, but I try. People tell me Im good with them, I just try and have fun. I once chased my best mates twins for about an hour. If theyre having fun, its all good I guess, and lucky for me, they adore it at 'Auntie Ks animal house' and cry when they have to leave. But Kman goes all stiff. He cant speak to them. His body language screams - DONT COME NEAR ME!! And kids are as good at body language as horses are.
So Im dreaming of land, and the complete dissipation of everything that anyone out there might call 'normal'. Im lamenting that it was close - so close - at my fingertips even, until yesterday, when I said I wanted to put a little human in the equation.
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