The associated apathy
May 1st 2007 05:03
Apathy/Angst Apathy/Angst Apathy/Angst......Are those my choices for life then? I seem to swing between them with no will of my own....
A quick tribute to Phil Collins if I may. He's crooning to me now from the keyboard, "Thru these walls" Man, What a song! Now thats music guys, proof positive that PHIL IS GOD....
Now, let me explain a little about my particular brand of apathy....
(What, you wanted quality writing or something? Pfft. Theres plenty of that here but guess what, Im not in the mood. Ive got all these BRILLIANT posts cooking, really subjective topics with references and EVERYTHING, you know, stuff people actually WANT to read...But guess what? Im not in the mood)
I woke up yesterday literally with rocks in my head Today was the same. I wake up, I get dressed. I feed the duck, feed the cats, put on a load of washing. Feed the outdoor ducks, feed the horses, clean the stables, hang out aforementioned washing, clean kitchen, bathroom, sweep floors, tidy loungeroom....
AND THEN
I sit down and have a bowl of oats, a mega sized coffee and a precious cigarette. I know, most people would have done that first, but it seems to take so LONG...Id rather get the hard jobs out of the way first.
Doing all this with my head is like hell. I have a constant ache over my left temple that spreads vaguely over my left cheek and down the left side of my neck, sometimes affecting the shoulder blade. Today and yesterday its not actually aching, its like a vague 'suggestion' of pain. A numbness. I find it extremely hard to open my eyes and hold my head up. My head, literally, is a dead weight, and my neck screams with the effort of having to hold it up. Sandpaper eyelids scratch against precious fluidy eyeballs, desperately trying to open, to focus. I stumbled through all those jobs(made good time too) with my eyes barely focused. I tried really hard to focus on a nearby gum tree while I was filling up a water trough, man, that hurt so much I just gave up. The tree faded in and out, light played over the branches and my eyes SCREAMED, filled with water making those sandpaper lids scratch even harder against my poor eyes. Its like a dull cloud that descends over the top half of my head - a grey mist with a small locale - Kleos brain. The weight of my brain seems to be literally affecting my eyes - like theyre being pushed from my head by the force of its descent.
I started getting headaches at about 12. Lancing, crippling pains through my left temple that sent me home from school quite promptly. This is the pain Im experienced with, this is the pain I know. Im not well acquianted with simply the weight....The causing of apathy...Shouldnt you be carving my skull up about now? Or is that a little surprise for tomorrow? Ive always been extra sensitive to light and sound. Today my eyes began to feel better the instant I got out of the sun. Even as a kid I covered lights - pinning rugs to the ceiling or covering lamps, and as a teenager I only used candles - woe to any who dared flick the overhead in my room! Even though it was covered.
After two years of being diagnosed with every mental illness known to man - I had one doctor tell me I couldnt possibly have skitzophrenia, another that told me it was the cause of all my problems - A nice practical nuerologist diagnosed migraines. My answer? No shit sherlock! Youve been subjecting me to two years worth of tests to tell me something I already knew? Fantastic. He broke it down however, that a migraine consists of two stages - Stage one, where the brain is starved of blood in some places. During this stage people become dizzy, confused, dissasociated. Some even fall unconcious. Very common in this stage is increased sensitivity to light and sound. Next comes stage two. The body realizes its awful mistake and floods the brain with blood. The throbbing, the pounding, this is what characterizes a migraine more than anything. Most people only notice the second stage - I fell into the unfortunate category of having a severe case in both stages, every time.
It still frustrates me greatly that this diagnosis was settled on because they had to find SOMETHING. No doctor wants to look at a bright, attractive young woman and think of nasty diseases that could be killing her as we speak (cancer or brain tumours or lupis or heart trouble) they want to find a simple solution. They want you out because your a difficult case that refuses to be solved easily and no one wants to dig deeper just in case THEY are the ones that find something!
So he treated me for migraines. I never had further tests past simple blood tests and a very uncomfortable brain wave test. No one actually LOOKED inside my head even though I begged them to. I told them how many head injuries Id had - they still didnt want to look. Too expensive for someone on a medical benefit that could really just have migraines...AARRGGHH. I detailed how my brother had heart trouble at my age, and had to have a bypass at 24. A week after being told by a doctor he was "too young" for chest pains and he had "nothing to worry about" he collapsed on the street and was rushed to hospital so they could saw him open. I said, couldnt some of my problems be affected by heart trouble? Doesnt circulation have a lot to do with this? They looked at me as if Id committed a crime - Im not a doctor! How DARE I tell them what MIGHT be wrong with my own body! Oh, the nerve, the cheek! It also doesnt help being a sperm donor baby - half my medical history is blank, so they can make up whatever they like then.
I did feel better after the initial treatments. I was still hearing things, seeing things, and feeling things but the nuerologist assured me these were "Side effects of the erratic blood flow in the brain" (Right. My blood cells in my brain cells are telling me to kill em all....Now it makes perfect sense) but the drugs and diet changes did arrest the CYCLE of the migraines, so I wasnt in constant pain and confusion.
Since no one wanted to know, I swept the crazyness well and truly under the rug, and hid it damn well, and still do(still there other K? Oh, yeah, still there other K) but sooner or later I realized the pain had never really gone. Being psychics a real killer - you jump into someone elses head for a second and you realize theyre not in any pain. None at all. And that hurts...Because you thought you were normal. You thought you were like them.
The ache is always there. It never goes away. Today it doesnt hurt, but the lack of feeling is a pain in itself. The apathy it brings. It has its ranges. This is the worst of the apathy side - A complete numbness over the left side of my head aching eyes and neck and not wanting to do ANYTHING. The other end of the scale is crippled, lying in bed, every sound, no matter how quiet, flashes across my eyes like lightening fireworks. All muscles ache, everywhere but my head feels like its on FIRE and my eyes feel like theyre bleeding..My head? At that time....Knives, daggers, razors, hammers....At its worst, I curl up and beg for release, for sleep, anything. Sometimes I can knock myself out with drugs and its great when it bends like that - Sometimes the drugs make the pain worse and I cant sleep because of it - Those times I truly believe I am dying.
The best to hope for is a dull ache. Oh, those are good days. The ache is there, but its manageable, and I feel alive and ready for everything. Youd think days like today - pain free - would be the best, but Im demotivated, I only want to sleep on these days. Like parts of my brain have just shut down, literally. Thats why in between days are better.
But today got a lot better - I got the job with the agency that does promotions. They offered me a job on Sat but because we're moving I had to say no, but then I was asked to fill in for someone short notice on Thurs. Alright! I got on the internet and researched the products I'll be hawking - Software systems - and theres no selling, thats for the guys at the desk, I just talk to people and try to get them over to the desk for more info. Ah, I felt alive, logged on to the website, writing a ton of notes to use on the day - being anywhere anytime, Oh, I think Im going to LOVE this job! I felt like I was back at school doing my research. I like being able to say I work in promotions. I like that its a set wage with no commission base - Im actually an employee. I like that its varied, and different, and fun, and it SUITS me....It describes me well.....
Thats whats worrying me lately. The house and land we are moving to is too small. The horses will go a little nuts. Its cheaper, and now IVE GOTTA JOB....So within a year we should be able to BUY a place of our own. Trouble is our years go on for years, and if we move in here Im gonna get complacent, I know it. I'll be one of those people I hate that throws their horses a biscuit of hay and then forgets what they look like. Being home full time, with a bit of land, I really became a horse person. Now Im just going to be a half assed horse person.
Thats scary.
But the job is good.
Birthday tomorrow. I had some 'me time' planned, god I love 'me time!' But guess what? Mums gonna be home....Oh, woe. I'll say "now I want some time alone this afternoon" and she'll agree, but then come upstairs every five minutes anyway....GRRRR
Most missed in my life is solitude.
A quick tribute to Phil Collins if I may. He's crooning to me now from the keyboard, "Thru these walls" Man, What a song! Now thats music guys, proof positive that PHIL IS GOD....
Now, let me explain a little about my particular brand of apathy....
(What, you wanted quality writing or something? Pfft. Theres plenty of that here but guess what, Im not in the mood. Ive got all these BRILLIANT posts cooking, really subjective topics with references and EVERYTHING, you know, stuff people actually WANT to read...But guess what? Im not in the mood)
I woke up yesterday literally with rocks in my head Today was the same. I wake up, I get dressed. I feed the duck, feed the cats, put on a load of washing. Feed the outdoor ducks, feed the horses, clean the stables, hang out aforementioned washing, clean kitchen, bathroom, sweep floors, tidy loungeroom....
AND THEN
I sit down and have a bowl of oats, a mega sized coffee and a precious cigarette. I know, most people would have done that first, but it seems to take so LONG...Id rather get the hard jobs out of the way first.
Doing all this with my head is like hell. I have a constant ache over my left temple that spreads vaguely over my left cheek and down the left side of my neck, sometimes affecting the shoulder blade. Today and yesterday its not actually aching, its like a vague 'suggestion' of pain. A numbness. I find it extremely hard to open my eyes and hold my head up. My head, literally, is a dead weight, and my neck screams with the effort of having to hold it up. Sandpaper eyelids scratch against precious fluidy eyeballs, desperately trying to open, to focus. I stumbled through all those jobs(made good time too) with my eyes barely focused. I tried really hard to focus on a nearby gum tree while I was filling up a water trough, man, that hurt so much I just gave up. The tree faded in and out, light played over the branches and my eyes SCREAMED, filled with water making those sandpaper lids scratch even harder against my poor eyes. Its like a dull cloud that descends over the top half of my head - a grey mist with a small locale - Kleos brain. The weight of my brain seems to be literally affecting my eyes - like theyre being pushed from my head by the force of its descent.
I started getting headaches at about 12. Lancing, crippling pains through my left temple that sent me home from school quite promptly. This is the pain Im experienced with, this is the pain I know. Im not well acquianted with simply the weight....The causing of apathy...Shouldnt you be carving my skull up about now? Or is that a little surprise for tomorrow? Ive always been extra sensitive to light and sound. Today my eyes began to feel better the instant I got out of the sun. Even as a kid I covered lights - pinning rugs to the ceiling or covering lamps, and as a teenager I only used candles - woe to any who dared flick the overhead in my room! Even though it was covered.
After two years of being diagnosed with every mental illness known to man - I had one doctor tell me I couldnt possibly have skitzophrenia, another that told me it was the cause of all my problems - A nice practical nuerologist diagnosed migraines. My answer? No shit sherlock! Youve been subjecting me to two years worth of tests to tell me something I already knew? Fantastic. He broke it down however, that a migraine consists of two stages - Stage one, where the brain is starved of blood in some places. During this stage people become dizzy, confused, dissasociated. Some even fall unconcious. Very common in this stage is increased sensitivity to light and sound. Next comes stage two. The body realizes its awful mistake and floods the brain with blood. The throbbing, the pounding, this is what characterizes a migraine more than anything. Most people only notice the second stage - I fell into the unfortunate category of having a severe case in both stages, every time.
It still frustrates me greatly that this diagnosis was settled on because they had to find SOMETHING. No doctor wants to look at a bright, attractive young woman and think of nasty diseases that could be killing her as we speak (cancer or brain tumours or lupis or heart trouble) they want to find a simple solution. They want you out because your a difficult case that refuses to be solved easily and no one wants to dig deeper just in case THEY are the ones that find something!
So he treated me for migraines. I never had further tests past simple blood tests and a very uncomfortable brain wave test. No one actually LOOKED inside my head even though I begged them to. I told them how many head injuries Id had - they still didnt want to look. Too expensive for someone on a medical benefit that could really just have migraines...AARRGGHH. I detailed how my brother had heart trouble at my age, and had to have a bypass at 24. A week after being told by a doctor he was "too young" for chest pains and he had "nothing to worry about" he collapsed on the street and was rushed to hospital so they could saw him open. I said, couldnt some of my problems be affected by heart trouble? Doesnt circulation have a lot to do with this? They looked at me as if Id committed a crime - Im not a doctor! How DARE I tell them what MIGHT be wrong with my own body! Oh, the nerve, the cheek! It also doesnt help being a sperm donor baby - half my medical history is blank, so they can make up whatever they like then.
I did feel better after the initial treatments. I was still hearing things, seeing things, and feeling things but the nuerologist assured me these were "Side effects of the erratic blood flow in the brain" (Right. My blood cells in my brain cells are telling me to kill em all....Now it makes perfect sense) but the drugs and diet changes did arrest the CYCLE of the migraines, so I wasnt in constant pain and confusion.
Since no one wanted to know, I swept the crazyness well and truly under the rug, and hid it damn well, and still do(still there other K? Oh, yeah, still there other K) but sooner or later I realized the pain had never really gone. Being psychics a real killer - you jump into someone elses head for a second and you realize theyre not in any pain. None at all. And that hurts...Because you thought you were normal. You thought you were like them.
The ache is always there. It never goes away. Today it doesnt hurt, but the lack of feeling is a pain in itself. The apathy it brings. It has its ranges. This is the worst of the apathy side - A complete numbness over the left side of my head aching eyes and neck and not wanting to do ANYTHING. The other end of the scale is crippled, lying in bed, every sound, no matter how quiet, flashes across my eyes like lightening fireworks. All muscles ache, everywhere but my head feels like its on FIRE and my eyes feel like theyre bleeding..My head? At that time....Knives, daggers, razors, hammers....At its worst, I curl up and beg for release, for sleep, anything. Sometimes I can knock myself out with drugs and its great when it bends like that - Sometimes the drugs make the pain worse and I cant sleep because of it - Those times I truly believe I am dying.
The best to hope for is a dull ache. Oh, those are good days. The ache is there, but its manageable, and I feel alive and ready for everything. Youd think days like today - pain free - would be the best, but Im demotivated, I only want to sleep on these days. Like parts of my brain have just shut down, literally. Thats why in between days are better.
But today got a lot better - I got the job with the agency that does promotions. They offered me a job on Sat but because we're moving I had to say no, but then I was asked to fill in for someone short notice on Thurs. Alright! I got on the internet and researched the products I'll be hawking - Software systems - and theres no selling, thats for the guys at the desk, I just talk to people and try to get them over to the desk for more info. Ah, I felt alive, logged on to the website, writing a ton of notes to use on the day - being anywhere anytime, Oh, I think Im going to LOVE this job! I felt like I was back at school doing my research. I like being able to say I work in promotions. I like that its a set wage with no commission base - Im actually an employee. I like that its varied, and different, and fun, and it SUITS me....It describes me well.....
Thats whats worrying me lately. The house and land we are moving to is too small. The horses will go a little nuts. Its cheaper, and now IVE GOTTA JOB....So within a year we should be able to BUY a place of our own. Trouble is our years go on for years, and if we move in here Im gonna get complacent, I know it. I'll be one of those people I hate that throws their horses a biscuit of hay and then forgets what they look like. Being home full time, with a bit of land, I really became a horse person. Now Im just going to be a half assed horse person.
Thats scary.
But the job is good.
Birthday tomorrow. I had some 'me time' planned, god I love 'me time!' But guess what? Mums gonna be home....Oh, woe. I'll say "now I want some time alone this afternoon" and she'll agree, but then come upstairs every five minutes anyway....GRRRR
Most missed in my life is solitude.
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
You need to be VERY DIRECT with her.
Happy birthday, you seem normal at least some of the time to me, just different.
I believe I'm suppose to put,,,smile... silly b.....y nonsense.
katyzzz
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
i feel for you Kleo, what you described would be so very difficult (i need a better word) to deal with. Your ability to endure things and push past them, is amazing, kudos to you, really!! What is up with these doctors that they think they can just diagnose someone and then just let them suffer without doing all the tests needed to explore further? what is wrong with these people. Anyway, i won't start raving on your blog... doctors.. grrrrrr .. you have my sympathy and empathy ...
without sounding preachy, try not to project about how 'complacent' you will become at the new house, or that's how it will be, keep the door to the future, open. I am guilty of doing this often, setting the future in concrete before it even arrives, i set it in play-dough now..
i like how different you are, you're spirited and your passion shines through..
Hope the job goes well Kleo, i have a new job too, i love working.. takes me out of the idle playground of my mind...
~Lily
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