The Call
May 25th 2007 05:23
On Tuesday night, when I grieved and cried, on my 3rd glass of wine and detached from reality by sedatives, my mind disconnected from me. I do not 'astral travel' and I believe if my consciousness left this body it would die, and I have very good reasons for believing that. However, the state of my mind detaching from me is not new, and certainly not alarming. It happens often and is always welcome.
Within this space, with my eyes open but unseeing, I could suddenly smell....
The heavy insence of the courts. I could hear the chanting of the faithful, I could see the shining, curved columns and arching ceilings.
Home.....
I dont think of you enough, and I remember you even less.
Around me go her arms, and I close my eyes now, because Im not worthy...Honestly, what did this half crazy housing commission girl do to desrve the attention of the Great Mother?
Even when hurting and grieving and angry, I must never forget who I am. I must never forget that I am blessed, loved, looked after. I must remember all day every day, even when I feel jilted, to give thanks for all the help and love I receive.....
In my mind, I hear her voice as her arms go around me....
" Do not fear.....You may cry, you may grieve, you must miss him and I am sorry that you hurt now. But you know.....
You know......
That one day, all your children will once again answer to your call......Answering to you.....For you.....And WITH you......
To ME...."
For the essence of my pain when I grieve for one Ive lost is that I may have faith in Her but I do not TRUST her, and that is my ultimate blasphemy and shame. She gives my children to me, and here on Earth I am their Goddess, I control their world and give them what they need. I am all that is good and all that is bad and they are MINE, MINE.....
And thus, when she calls them home I am so ANGRY with her, for giving them to me, and letting me be their Goddess, then taking them back into her breast they see her face and they forget me in her eyes.....
I am angry that she hurts me so, to give so much and so carelessly take it away.
Who am I to deserve comfort then? How dare I ask for it, I puny human, who dares to be angry with the great mother herself?
And the great wonder of my life is that she laughs at me, takes my hand and calls me silly as if I am a favoured child of Hers, as if I am one of her first who has been with her so long that all my antics are well known and all too understood....And always, always, forgiven. She knows my sins before I even committ them. She understands human nature more than we can ever know.
Through this mystical communication I glimpse something I have seen before.....A possibility that through this learning I may one day create for myself a new physical body....That when my learning reaches some vast far off stage I may move on beyond the need for an anthropomorphic shape, do away with the star look and its associated aura.....To evolove beyond the need of all things human, and become like the Earth herself.....With the soul of the man I love now the great star I orbit round, and lo and behold, all those I love, they orbit around him too, all of us caught in a mystical union that some smart man called....A solar system. And by reaching this stage the universe expands into another multi million googoplex, and life, life goes on!
But it is a glimpse only, a taunting, haunting call of coloured light and nebulae. A whisper of the true definition of 'Heavenly Bodies'.....
And then, Wednsday, I go to cut down the partition in the duck pen. In her 5th year, Talli has just learned to fly, and after we separated Poshe from the girls Talli was quite obviously upset by the lack of airspace. Since dear Poshe did not die of disease, there is no reason to keep the partition up now. Armed with pliers and hammer I enter....
And I hear....
I can hear it! I can hear it!
"HMMM - WAAAA"
Ecstatic, exuberant, he calls to me through the ether. Suddenly so eloquent he is. Like a dagger through my heart I miss the perfection of his feathers and the brightness of his eyes, and I cry, again I cry, because I miss him, I wanted more for him, and it is my heart that hurts and my soul that calls for one last kiss......
But I know there is no point to any of it. Her giggles permeate the pen as her trailing fingers leave lines of light across my sight.....
I mourn him still. I grieve for his short life. I worry for my mistakes, in the past, present and future, I pray that I be absolved of fault, at least in my own eyes.....
Yet it wont be long until I my heart is healed.....How can it be any other way, when this is life, this is what it is, the conflict, who am I to question it.....
Within this space, with my eyes open but unseeing, I could suddenly smell....
The heavy insence of the courts. I could hear the chanting of the faithful, I could see the shining, curved columns and arching ceilings.
Home.....
I dont think of you enough, and I remember you even less.
Around me go her arms, and I close my eyes now, because Im not worthy...Honestly, what did this half crazy housing commission girl do to desrve the attention of the Great Mother?
Even when hurting and grieving and angry, I must never forget who I am. I must never forget that I am blessed, loved, looked after. I must remember all day every day, even when I feel jilted, to give thanks for all the help and love I receive.....
In my mind, I hear her voice as her arms go around me....
" Do not fear.....You may cry, you may grieve, you must miss him and I am sorry that you hurt now. But you know.....
You know......
That one day, all your children will once again answer to your call......Answering to you.....For you.....And WITH you......
To ME...."
For the essence of my pain when I grieve for one Ive lost is that I may have faith in Her but I do not TRUST her, and that is my ultimate blasphemy and shame. She gives my children to me, and here on Earth I am their Goddess, I control their world and give them what they need. I am all that is good and all that is bad and they are MINE, MINE.....
And thus, when she calls them home I am so ANGRY with her, for giving them to me, and letting me be their Goddess, then taking them back into her breast they see her face and they forget me in her eyes.....
I am angry that she hurts me so, to give so much and so carelessly take it away.
Who am I to deserve comfort then? How dare I ask for it, I puny human, who dares to be angry with the great mother herself?
And the great wonder of my life is that she laughs at me, takes my hand and calls me silly as if I am a favoured child of Hers, as if I am one of her first who has been with her so long that all my antics are well known and all too understood....And always, always, forgiven. She knows my sins before I even committ them. She understands human nature more than we can ever know.
Through this mystical communication I glimpse something I have seen before.....A possibility that through this learning I may one day create for myself a new physical body....That when my learning reaches some vast far off stage I may move on beyond the need for an anthropomorphic shape, do away with the star look and its associated aura.....To evolove beyond the need of all things human, and become like the Earth herself.....With the soul of the man I love now the great star I orbit round, and lo and behold, all those I love, they orbit around him too, all of us caught in a mystical union that some smart man called....A solar system. And by reaching this stage the universe expands into another multi million googoplex, and life, life goes on!
But it is a glimpse only, a taunting, haunting call of coloured light and nebulae. A whisper of the true definition of 'Heavenly Bodies'.....
And then, Wednsday, I go to cut down the partition in the duck pen. In her 5th year, Talli has just learned to fly, and after we separated Poshe from the girls Talli was quite obviously upset by the lack of airspace. Since dear Poshe did not die of disease, there is no reason to keep the partition up now. Armed with pliers and hammer I enter....
And I hear....
I can hear it! I can hear it!
"HMMM - WAAAA"
Ecstatic, exuberant, he calls to me through the ether. Suddenly so eloquent he is. Like a dagger through my heart I miss the perfection of his feathers and the brightness of his eyes, and I cry, again I cry, because I miss him, I wanted more for him, and it is my heart that hurts and my soul that calls for one last kiss......
But I know there is no point to any of it. Her giggles permeate the pen as her trailing fingers leave lines of light across my sight.....
I mourn him still. I grieve for his short life. I worry for my mistakes, in the past, present and future, I pray that I be absolved of fault, at least in my own eyes.....
Yet it wont be long until I my heart is healed.....How can it be any other way, when this is life, this is what it is, the conflict, who am I to question it.....
| 40 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog
Comment by Wendi
There's so much more I want to say than wow, but it's three a.m. and I'm so exhausted my thoughts are fleeting.
I keep a picture, a lock of fur, and the collar of Pharaoh in my wallet. Every so often, I take it out and shed a few mournful tears, petting the white bit on the picture's forehead. His body left, but he is with me still.
It's such a powerful piece of healing you've recorded here, Kleo. I'm honored for the chance to have read it.
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I gave him a post all his own but with your internet troubles Im not expecting you to catch up every single thing! Thanks for being here and understanding....He left me one feather that makes me cry....
Comment by Wendi
::hugs::
W
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Comment by Wendi
W
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis