Kalikapsychosis - "Perfection is what its about. When you can feel, the perfection, of creation. The beauty of physics, the wonder of mathematics all the elation of action, and reaction, and that is the kind of perfection that I want to be connected to" - Sam, hooked into the data stream

The Random The Medical Journal - Kalikapsychosis

Updating the pregnancy thing

September 23rd 2010 02:37

Well, its 12 and a half weeks now and I can safely say I'm still in complete denial. The ultrasound the other day literally blew my mind - I didnt expect to see much of anything - but there was head, legs, hands, spine, brain....Wriggling around and sucking its thumb (omigod how freaking adorable!) We have named the incoming offspring Wriggling Weazel for now because I was in there for 40 minutes, no joke, just to get all the correct measurements. Little Wriggler just would not stop moving.

Despite all of that, without a little x ray window on the tummy, it's a little hard to get on with ones everday duties while thinking that you have a person inside you. So for the most part I dont really think about it. Women screaming "DONT LIFT THAT!" are really, really starting to piss me off because I am seriously not disabled. If they want to help out the pregnant lady then they could finish my floors for me at the end of the night cos its that final squigee thats really tiring me out.

Another stupid statement was, "Well, I guess you wont be working nights anymore" My reply was a puzzled..."Why?" They were equally puzzled. "Well. You know. You're pregnant. And tired and stuff"

Ok yes, pregnant, and tired and stuff. But that does not change the fact that since I myself was a baby I've been a night owl. Very difficult for my early bird mum. One of the rasons this job works so well for me is because I work nights and only nights. No early mornings, no busy days. I'm still alert when I get home and happily stay up a few hours and catch up my sleep in the daylight hours, when its always been easier for me to sleep.

Right now the biggest problem for me is that for the last 2 years I have functioned on a drawer full of drugs - clarityne, clarinase and all their decongestant brothers and sisters (including nasal sprays), anti inflammatories, muscle relaxers of herbal, prescription and over the counter varieties, and painkillers, lots and lots of painkillers. Early this year my dear Doc and I went on a rampage to finally discover the cause of my pain and it was discovered I have serious sinus issues requiring surgery to fix it.

Then I got pregnant.

At first, with pregnancy hormones flooding my body, I was fine. No headaches and no sinus issues to speak of. I thought all would continue as such. Last weeks my old headaches came back - the ones that wrap around my skull and stab into my left eye, ear and cheek. They dont go away when Im sleeping, and are still there when I wake. Let me tell you, thats really depressing. So far, this is what works.

Massage face before I get out of bed. Wash face vigourosly. Have breakfast and a warm drink, only then have some panadol. Stretch all back and neck muscles. Get moving - go for a walk or do some housework. So far this is working ok but sometimes even all that isnt enough to settle it down. I dont know what I'll do about it and need to discuss with doc next week.

And that brings me to another thing - yesterday I was mighty pissed off. I called my local hospital, as my doc directed me to do, and they informed me that I had to be refrred by a local obsterician to be admitted as a public patient. I mean, are you kidding me? I already have a doc, and I sure as hell dont need another one! Im going to inquire at my other local hospital, because I sure as hell dont want to get used to a new doc right now.

I threw down the baby book a friend lent me in disgust because I seem to be doing everything backwards. I found it quite hilarious that she describes her book as 'different to all the other pretentious tomes' when to me thats exactly how she sounded.

Mothers everywhere will think Im a fool but I cant wait to get a bit bigger. Its because I work in a store full of arsehole customers. I'm a good worker, I check for customers every few seconds while Im doing other things. Someone can walk up in the moment after you've looked over you're shoulder, and when you make eye contact a second or two later, they are already looking impatient, giving you that look that says, "my god Ive been here for AGES" and you know they havnt. Because you just checked. So it'll be nice to turn my bulk slowly about and say, "I'm on my way mate" and see their face fall as they realize what an arsehole they've been.

Why does it take pregnancy for that to happen?

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Posted By: Kleonaptra - Category: The Random, The Medical Journal

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Sick day

August 10th 2010 04:16

Well, its officially my first pregnancy sick day. It was so spur of the moment. My lunch is made, uniform clean, all prepared.....And I woke up with my ear and temple throbbing and some nausea and when I realized I couldnt just take a handfull of pills and soldier on I picked up the phone. I waited anxiously for mega bitch boss to pick up and skreetch at me but mercifully, she was not there. They said ok and I hung up to sleep for another 6 hours.

My appetite is out of control, If I dont eat, immediately, when hungry, I get sick and tired. Even though Im only roughly seven weeks, Im growing.

I had an early detection. I got pregnant straight off the pill, and mum was a twin. You know where this is going right?

Im having an ultrasound to check in a few days. With all my spooky scary Kleo powers I tell ya, I believe it is two. Boy and Girl to be specific. Im often wrong, so I may not be right. Only the ultrasound wand and a full bladder shall tell.....Ouch!

Im reading 'Up The Duff' by Kaz Cooke, and though its Frigging HILARIOUS I have to say she falls prey to the same crap every other informative piece does. When you have the question - "will this affect my pregnancy" whatever 'THIS' may be, everyone, and everyone, says "definitely probably not"

I know this linguo. Listened to it for years over my migraine and sinus problems. It translates to - "we have no clue. None. You could go go dance on the ceiling and still be fine for all WE know"

All publications are quick to say dont drink and smoke. But wander through any of the housing commision areas of sydney and you'll see that one is a big lie. Not only do houso girls smoke and drink, they have tribes, HORDES of children. Healthy enough to get into crime as early as 13.

They say rest up, but exercise. They say eat, but dont overeat - while helpfully supplying how many extra serves of protien/calcium you should be eating. They say go to work, but dont work too hard. I tell ya....Ive said it before, but if we had this much confusion 100 years ago, the human race would be EXTINCT.

Its hit me that no sane person in their right mind in this modern society actually chooses to have kids. Its not like years ago when there was little contraception and it was just the 'thing to do'. There was no worry, no consequence, babies were as much apart of death as life. Now we're getting closer to knowing about death, but we have much less life. Once babies would be getting born in a household every few months, now we 'think about it' which we never did before.

See, we 'think about it' very maturely. We think about money, space, school, clothes....We try to imagine ourselves as parents and how we'll do at it. But then, one day, you stop thinking, You just do it. And its not until you're actually pregnant that all that other stuff returns and you go 'Oh..CHRIST". Ive decided that no sane intelligent person is capable of deciding, because its too hard. Thats why we have so many 'accidents' or doubt our sanity the moment we get pregnant. I sure did.

I have days where Im not happy, where Im scared. Im not sure how post natal depression works when you already had prenatal depression.....And I cant take my endep once I start breastfeeding. So Im going to be in some wicked nasty pain then.

But I feel them, I know them. They've spoken to me for years. Im so happy to have them with me, to know they are coming to live in the world. They waited a long time for me, and now, ready or not, we're all going to be together.

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Posted By: Kleonaptra - Category: The Random, The Medical Journal

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More on the medical (and other stuff..)

June 17th 2010 06:05

I havnt felt like talking about this lately, because quite frankly, its depressing the crap out of me.

My last medical post talked about the ENT and the drugs he gave me. I've since been back to him and he told me - no more drugs, despite your improvement. The only option left is surgery, and before he goes ahead and does it, he wants me checked out by the nuero and he wants another sinus scan. Sinus scan is no trouble, but the nuero is a big $250 hit that I really cant afford. Even still, Ive made the appiontment for next week. Looks like no food shopping this week.

Im also severely depressed over the fact that the nuero will be less than useless. Im going to pay the money to sit in front of him and have him crap on in a language I dont understand, and at the end be no wiser or healthier.

I wish I had never had that course of drugs, its not so much the "Oh I felt healthy and now I dont" factor, though thats a big part of it. Its the fact that until the pain was gone, I didnt realize how much of it there was. Now its back in force. I have to get used to it all over again, and quite simply, Im not. I thought I would. Deal with skull shattering pain for a week or so until I begin to ignore it. Its not happening this time - Im just getting more and more depressed by it.

I told mum today that there will be no horse business. Realistically, I cannot go into business for myself when my health is up in the air. There is no way I can look after 100 plus horses when I cant look after five. And thats the other thing I had to tell her....Shakir and Spirit have to go.

It really, really burns me that people out there will think Im 'growing up'. That that is a 'grown up' decision. Let me tell you now, I grew up a long bloody time ago, starting when I realized that my mother had lied to me every day of her life. Holding on to Shakir was not sentimental - it was about responsability. I created him, I made him, therefore it is up to me to make him useful and look out for him. The fact that I now have to let him go is a failure, its not some grand act of being a grown up - what a disgusting excuse to use for failure! Cold hard facts state plainly that I cannot look after him if I am to continue to look after Magnus, Teshan and Zayfir. Im physically and financially exhausted. The very idea of another vet bill gives me cold chills of terror. The last $400 feed bill makes me sick.

And you know what really, really makes me feel sick, right into my bones? The fact that as I tell my mother this, I have to sugar coat it, I have to handle her like a raw egg - I have to try and plush it out to spare HER feelings when its my decision, my life, my PAIN. The fact that I have to worry about her reaction and try and maker her feel better is just utterly disgusting. As usual talking to her was like throwing buckets of water at a brick wall - no effect unless you feel like doing it for a hundred years or more. Frustrated beyond words, I left the room thinking perhaps if she chews on the information a while, she may actually digest it instead of regurgitating it up again.

And if you think Im selfish for calling my mother selfish, who do you think raised me to think of myself first? Who gave me this precious save myself attitude? And now she blames me for it CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

Ah, my little old blog. You were always meant to be a venting point, and no matter how much I try not to, I just keep putting that stuff up here....

Theres a lot I could say. I can acknowledge the fact that even though Shakir is the full brother of a bona fide superstar he is going to the knackery in a minimum of 3 sales. Thats how the horse industry works and its why Ive made a very final and difinite decision to never be a part of it. The only horses that survive are flexible, useful and healthy. Shakir is healthy and useful but he is also twitchy, dangerous and difficult. My dream of creating perfect horses that need never see a knackery yard may well have been a reality, if the key factor to the plan - me - had been a little stronger and a little healthier itself.

The good things are that I have a good, steady job where I am useful and productive, loved and needed. I have a man who will stand by me and is reaching for the same goal that I am - to be together and to be happy. I have lovely horses - Zayfir and Magnus will bring me easy joy for the next 20 years - and I have rescued a great many birds and beasts and shall continue to do so.

The bad news is that in order to move forward, the fat must be cut. Some of that crudely named 'fat' is a horse I created, akin to my flesh and blood. My failure to provide for him is a betrayal that echoes through both our souls. The rest of that 'fat' is some bundles of flesh and blood that have the nerve to call themselves my 'family' when they have not earned the love or the loyalty associated with the title.

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Posted By: Kleonaptra - Category: The Random, The Medical Journal

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Slothful

April 20th 2009 01:07

I have been terribly so...And Im trying to make excuses for it. But they dont work, because Im only giving them to myself, and I dont believe them. So. That creates some problems.

Work havnt called. Thats the thing with being casual. This shit happens. Where you enter a horrid vacuum and you start thinking, its been so long since they called me, maybe they fired me and forgot to tell me? I bloody hope not. I neglected my centrelink duties last week. They'll be happy Im working, ecstatic actually. But I should have told them instead of just spacing it. Maybe I'll ring them. Maybe I'll ring work. But I know what a pushy bitch I can be. A simple call to find out about shifts can come out very personal if Im not careful. And we were warned, that our hours would be in very short supply until we move to our store. So with that warning in mind, do I really need to call? I know Im a star - I dont actually need anymore training. Henceforth, they should focus on the others for a bit. I just wish I had my damn Rudd money. It would make me feel secure

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Posted By: Kleonaptra - Category: The Random, The Medical Journal

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The Red Pill

April 10th 2008 00:51

MATURE CONTENT

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Posted By: Kleonaptra - Category: Sketchin, The Random, The Medical Journal

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