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Kalikapsychosis - "Perfection is what its about. When you can feel, the perfection, of creation. The beauty of physics, the wonder of mathematics all the elation of action, and reaction, and that is the kind of perfection that I want to be connected to" - Sam, hooked into the data stream

Current Reading

February 2nd 2009 00:31
Right now Im reading "The Winter King" By Cornwell, something Kman asked me to try. Ive read so many Arthur stories I wasnt sure if I could stomach another version, but I picked it up last night and before you know it, it was 2am. Im also reading "The Portable Poe" edited by Philip Van Doren Stern, which is just fantastic for the vocabulary - I had forgotten I had that book. It was so old when I picked it up at a rummage sale it already smelled like history, I found it in the feedshed on Saturday, squished into an old canvas bag with the kids book, "Stall Buddies". What were they doing in the feedshed? I used to sit and read them to Zayfir when he was injured. Its an old trick of mine - when a young horse just wont settle, or is injured, I would go to the box at a quiet time of day and read to them. "The Portable Poe" was often my favourite because it had a wide range of things to read, from poetry to fables, and Poe tends to write in a particularly soothing beat, even if the subject matter isnt what most people consider soothing. It is to me. But the power of voice in soothing animals cannot be denied, mine being particularly flexible and resonant, I found it an excellent way to get the horse used to my scent and tone. I believe its one of the reasons why Zayfir is so desperately bonded to me.

But just before I turned to Poe and the Winter King, I had read "Here On Earth" By Alice Hoffman. Hoffman is the genius who gave us "Practical Magic" which was made into a movie with Sandra Bullock and our own Nicole. It was a movie I utterly adored, and the book even more so. I found "Here On Earth" discarded at Kmans work, and took it home just because it was by Hoffman. I found myself utterly enraptured by this work.

"Here On Earth" deals with our main character March, who returns to her small home town for the funeral of her old house keeper who was more like her surrogate mother. The book deals completely and exclusively with human relationships and emotional interaction, and the sub plots are just as painful and twisted as the main one.

This book incorporates all my favourite themes in a book - vicious, cold weather, poetically expressed, so real you get a chill just reading, even in 40 degree heat. She writes with the senses - you can taste the delicious food she delicately describes. Most noteably, it is the realistic and heart wrenching human emotion that grabs me. So much pain and joy in every glance. How people know what they know about others, and how they are fooled.

From the first reading, this book struck a huge chord with me, and it would have even if it didnt have a horse on the cover. (I once read things just for that reason) The pictured horse is Tarot, he has a small but pivotal role in the novel. But Im getting side tracked.

The main plot deals with March and Hollis. Hollis was her 'adopted' brother, with whom she indulged in a sexual relationship from the age of 15. They fell utterly in love, he left her, she waited for him, but ended up marrying and leaving, only for him to return looking for her. Before the birth of her daughter they talked on the phone, he begged her to come back to him, when she refused he too married. By the time she returns for the funeral his wife has died, but March is still decidedly married and captured still, by the past.

It is eighteen years later at least. I was utterly captivated by the way she swears she will not see him, she will remain faithful to her husband, keeps telling herself the past means nothing - she has left it all behind. Still, the draw and power of Hollis is too much to take, before long she betrays her husband and falls into Hollis' arms like an intoxicated teenager. Before long she has betrayed her daughter, her friends and herself. For, in the time they have been apart, Hollis has turned into a monster. This doesnt stop March, who can only see that poor damaged boy she fell in love with so long ago.

It is a deep work that speaks directly from the heart of a woman - why do women stay with abusive men? Why do they crave them and chase them, what is the hold they have? This book explores it simply and delves into the emotions involved which are anything but simple. At times, while reading, a moan would escape my lips as I saw exactly what he was doing to her, and why she still wouldnt run. In a way, this book is too personal, cuts way too close to the bone, for me. Like exercising an abcess yet like being cut all over again, thats how it feels to me, reading this work.

I am in the process of recording quotes right now and hopefully I will have time later on to do a full analysis and exploration of the quotes I have found worth recording. I believe this would be a beautiful book for anyone to enjoy, and everyone is bound to find some common ground within it, as the emotions expressed are so explicitly human and it focuses on many different kinds of human situations and relationships.
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Much needed ramble rant.....

May 31st 2008 15:45
Almost 1am.

I remember when I was a teenager, this time of night was when I was just kicking into gear. I'd be on my third coffee, my hand would be numb from writers cramp and the words would just be burning out of me. Mum would be screaming down the hall - "Go to bed! You have school tomorrow!" To which Id reply - "Yeah, yeah" cos school was always too easy, and my intuition told me, make the most of your youth. I knew it would become harder and harder to function on little sleep.

Id just like to apologise for my lack of apostrophes and spelling mistakes. I used to be down right pedantic about it, but Ive gotten accustomed to writing on the new word version - its learned my style and automatically corrects my little errors. Im sure you get my drift.

All the stories mentioned above still exist and are patiently gathering dust until I take them up again. At the moment Im working on a little novel, and I want to finish it before I do anything else. Ive had some ideas for '2084' and other things Im working on, but like I said, this newbie's got to come first. Theres reasons.

Today was just a brilliant day. Kman and I bummed around a little, then went into a frenzy cleaning house and cutting wood. I then wrestled with Itunes for about 3 hours - importing cds is bloody tedious enough, without all the extra problems of it mysteriously saving songs twice, some with names, some without.....And songs appearing on the Ipod that I thought I had deleted from the playlist all together? My computer took the oppurtunity to tell me I was a fuckwit - "I cant get track names when you wont allow me to connect to the internet!" but I gave it a good throttle when I realized what it had done. Even after giving it permission to access track names, most still werent named. And as I mentioned, deleted songs popping up and saving to the ipod....And the computer calls me a fuckwit?

I have to be nice to it though, its too good to me, and when the playstation and the dvd player both say "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" its the only thing that will play my dvds.

So, hows it going?

I love my job. I love it so much Im not going to talk about it, and thats huge for a verbal spurter like me. No job ever has inspired me like this, but, as so often happens to me, Im completely in two minds....

The hours are SO long. 8am till 6pm every day plus the first two saturdays of the month. I miss my animals so much - Xiara, my oldest pet, is depressed. Binky is so confused and upset. Even Zayf, who didnt see a whole lot of me anyway, is missing me fiercely. Wist is downright traumatized. Binky has taken to unpacking my workbag - pulling out things I need thinking I wont go. Theres my darling kookaburras, who dont get their meat in the afternoons anymore, and my eight koels who I thought had migrated on, but found out today are still here. I miss them so much, its like a fierce keening.

And usually, when I feel like that, work begins to drag through my nerves like razor blades. Every second feels like an hour, any task makes me feel physically ill and I start praying I'll get hit by a car or something, so I dont have to go.

But I love this job. The second I walk through the door my mind is snap focused, clear on what needs to be done, even if, as a new girl, Im still confused on some procedure. I go down for a smoke, and the second Im out the door I start to think...."What if one of mine calls while Im out? I really dont want anyone else taking the call, Im the only one who can do it properly" and scream back upstairs lest it should happen. Im suceeding and doing well and Im finding it easy to cut smokes down, stop drinking, all because I want a clear and focused mind.

Kman and I have had a few roaring fights - a common occurance when the power shifts - and I think he was downright shocked when I told him - "I need you. You dont need me. I hate that, I hate that so much - you are the one chink in my armour. Part of me is desperate for you to leave so I can prove to myself that I actually dont need you."

Well, that sorted things out, as well as a few other things.....As usual when we have a fight that ends wth "IM LEAVING YOU!" We end up stronger than ever. Baffling.

Life sure is kickin on....I know I'll feel so much better when I get paid....Its monthly pay see, and I started at the beginning of the cycle. Im sure youve all been there - not only do I have to wait a month for it, but once it comes, half goes straight out to pay back the last month. Then the other half pays the month in advance, so in short. you get nada to spend for 2 months. Its gruelling its unrewarding. Only one thing to do. Catch more dirtbags! Get commissions!

You may wonder how my nightmares are going....Ah, well. Hmm. They took an unexpected turn when Kman said he was leaving me. Im one messed up chick. Im sure you'll read the novel. Nothing will be explained. Its better that way. Its a horrid truth that the only ones who will truly understand the depths of what I am saying are the ones I truly dont want to know. So why am I writing it? Because I feel compelled to, because the words come easy, because its fun to read. Its modern and its written in slang and its told like two teenagers drinking would tell it. If you like, its a metaphor for the human spirit, the darkness in even the most innocent, and the truth that violence in someone's life isnt needed to turn them into a beast.

Im feeling slack for not doing the hot water bottles for Talli Wist and Pige - Its not that cold. Theres a bit of a chill, but Im quite comfortable here with no fire, they can cope surely.

Scary moment earlier - Kman and I were having an excited discussion and as it tends to do my voice rose. There was a godawful CLUNK on the side of the house - we scurry out to check on things. We find Magnus snuggled to the side of the house, listening to the conversation and wanting to be in on it. A sweep with the torch shows Zayfe curled up asleep - I put it together in seconds, Mags was on gaurd duty, got bored, heard our voices, wandered away, leaving Zayfe for lion fodder, and came over to listen to us and hopefully get invited in for a cup of tea. When I explained this to Kman he said, "But I saw Spirit down the back checking it out too - if it woke him up, how did Zayfe sleep through it?" I gave him a wry look, "I think Spirit is shirking gaurd duty too."

He's gonna get his butt kicked for that. He's with two bosses. Zayfe knows he cant kick Magnus' butt for walking off on gaurd duty - Zayf does it to him too! Why they dont just both sleep is beyond me.....Herd politics are going mad at the moment. Teshan is lead mare, undisputed, in horse society, the female always rules. The equal to her - figuratively speaking - is the herd stallion. At the moment, that would be Shakir. Given, he has no crown jewels, but he had them cut off rather late, so thinks a bit like a stallion. Problem is, Zayf DOES have jewels, and he's now older than any of the other boys were when they were cut. He's starting to get the idea he should be in charge. That he should have the honour of first to the water trough and feed, and most definitely should have access to the lady. That he should say when and where they all sleep, and where they graze at different times of day.

He will kill Shakir. Mum says "Oh no, he wouldnt" but its what stallions do - and they dont mean to. In the wild they fight for territory, food, mares....If the other stallion cant hack it, he hightails it. Unfortunately for Shakir, we have fences. He hightails it, Zayf will chase. With testosterone roaring in his viens he can chase for days while Shakir will be spent in hours. Once his enemy is exhausted, Zayf will bite kick and harry until his enemy is fully defeated - or he's bored. Whichever comes first. He wont MEAN to kill him - Zayfir even loves his older brother - but being a baby and a colt, he wont realize the seriousness of the situation.

Its also a factor that Shakir will defend his position. Shakir has watched Zayf grow up and knows he's a baby where hes a mature horse. He cant possibly understand that though Zayf is less than half his age Zayf already moves faster and weighs more. Its adilly of a pickle - I have no paddocks left.

ugh. Same formula as before. Work. Catch dirtbags, make them pay....Which equals being away more, which raises the chance of the bad things happening. Why is life always a sick cycle.......

Oh yeah, dont tell me, I already know. There is no why.
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