The saddest day
January 29th 2007 04:10
Your text goes here
The saddest day for many is to farewell a friend. I was going to serve up some poetry, indeed, still might, but Ive been inspired by anothers post to write some thoughts on euthanasia.
Over my fairly short life Ive farewelled a lot of friends. Plenty to accidents, but those you remember most are the ones you must end yourself. First, my childhood dogs, within months of each other. Cuddles, the half blind inbreed who lived to be 15, fiercely loyal and loving and an expert at 'fetch'. Her mother Tara, who lived to be 16, escape artist supreme and an absolute nightmare in thunder storms. My mothers purebred Arabian colt, Raj, put down due to a broken leg before his first birthday, he had been a gift from me the previous christmas. And, Chester, my first horse, who lived to the fine old age of 33(for those of you who dont know, thats about 90 in human years) and frisked like a young thing before the vet showed up...
Now. Nothing can be said to reconcile the pain of euthanizing an animal - the guilt, the terror - how can I make this decision for them? No matter how right it is, it always feels wrong to take that final thing from them, as if youve robbed them of something. Even though their whole life has been under your dominion, this final choice seems so wrong.
Let me recount to you a time when I did not have such a choice to make, and let you be the judge of how you would have it. This memory is painful for me - forgive me if I become a little shaky.
I went to korea to work for a short time. It sounded too good to be true - accomodation, food and airfares paid, all for the price of trail riding six days a week, plus a paycheck! Wow. Guess what? It was too good to be true. They broke contract on the first day - No first aid equipment for the animals, insufficient feed and bedding, no paddocks. When I asked for things I needed I was for the most part, ignored. Being a young white female(called a slut by just about every korean male in a 5 mile radius for wearing skimpy singlets) I ignored protocol and went straight to the top man, and slowly, things began to improve. We had a horse there I named Kai, a magnificent beast, 16hh, true black, wearing an Australian brand on his shoulder. Alas, the beautiful animal was a ticking time bomb - from his brand and teeth I could tell he was over 22 years old. He had severe arthritis and his back legs were barely connected to his spine. One day, after giving him a bath, I set him up in a stable with some feed and stood watching him. It seemed to happen in slow motion - his head reaching for the water bucket, his back foot coming underneath him - but not quick enough. His back foot slipped under his weight, he came down and I heard the unmistakable SNAP SNAP! Of hip and cannon bones shattering. I had to physically restrain my boyfriend who wanted to get him up - I told him, get to the club and get someone. Kai thrashed. He screamed. He tried to get up. A horses instincts refuse to register injury in panic mode, all he knew was he had to get up. He had bashed his head against the wall and was bleeding by the time help arrived.
Not so much help after all - car after car of korean business man appeared, wearing expressions of "what does the silly girl want now" only to beat a hasty retreat back to their cars hearing the soul wrenching screams. It had now been at least an hour, probably two. No one spoke english, I was handed a phone call from the only horse representative, I explained, hes broken his leg, he needs euthanasia. I was told - over the phone mind you - that the horse simply had colic and he would be fine. I lost it (not the smartest move but hey I was freaking out) and screamed it was his leg, it was broken, someone, do the right thing! I was informed by their horse rep that the horse wasnt old, stop saying hes old, he'll be fine. After a bit more screaming from me he hung up and refused to be contacted.
Hours slipped by. Kai struggled, screamed and thrashed, by now close to losing an eye from banging his head on the wall from desperate attempts to stand. He lay in a pool of sweat and blood. Finally, I found the phone number for my one and only ally, a woman, an english translator who was a girlfriend of the big honcho who owned the horses. I explained, she hurried to comply, but still, another hour slipped by while they got ahold of the director, then a vet, and finally, he came.
Kai had now been sufferring for well on 6 hours now. And the agony had yet to end. The cow vet approached, syringe in hand. Puzzled that it was not the green stuff we use here, I looked closely, saying to my boyfriend, "hes going to need more - thats not enough" My boyfriend admonished "ssh. You dont know what hes using" so I watched in silence as they tied his flailing legs together and injected him. His eyes closed, all(except me, animals dont close their eyes to die) breathed a sigh of relief.
The air split with a terrible scream. His eyes opened again - now milky white and blind - and his lips peeled back in an ugly grimace as a scream unlike anything ever muttered by horse or man spiralled out of his throat. Frantically, the cow vet bolted back to his truck, everyone around crouching and covering their ears like we were under attack, filling another syringe, and firing it into the desperately struggling horse. Finally, stillness, finally, peace. A harsh jolt in my heart when the vet kicked him in the muzzle "just to make sure".
If I had had needles, I would have shot 30mls of penicillin into the vein. If Id had a sharp knife, I would have slit his throat. By the end I was getting desperate enough to try a large rock, and now I almost wish I had.
Thats just a little story, of how it is in a place that isnt set up for animals. As bad as euthanasia is, I had a small comfort that Raj and Chester left quickly, quietly, with respect and without undue sufferring. My heart will always mourn for Kai, and the other horses I left there to god knows what fate, running from the savages of the provinces home to our semi civilized world.
The saddest day for many is to farewell a friend. I was going to serve up some poetry, indeed, still might, but Ive been inspired by anothers post to write some thoughts on euthanasia.
Over my fairly short life Ive farewelled a lot of friends. Plenty to accidents, but those you remember most are the ones you must end yourself. First, my childhood dogs, within months of each other. Cuddles, the half blind inbreed who lived to be 15, fiercely loyal and loving and an expert at 'fetch'. Her mother Tara, who lived to be 16, escape artist supreme and an absolute nightmare in thunder storms. My mothers purebred Arabian colt, Raj, put down due to a broken leg before his first birthday, he had been a gift from me the previous christmas. And, Chester, my first horse, who lived to the fine old age of 33(for those of you who dont know, thats about 90 in human years) and frisked like a young thing before the vet showed up...
Now. Nothing can be said to reconcile the pain of euthanizing an animal - the guilt, the terror - how can I make this decision for them? No matter how right it is, it always feels wrong to take that final thing from them, as if youve robbed them of something. Even though their whole life has been under your dominion, this final choice seems so wrong.
Let me recount to you a time when I did not have such a choice to make, and let you be the judge of how you would have it. This memory is painful for me - forgive me if I become a little shaky.
I went to korea to work for a short time. It sounded too good to be true - accomodation, food and airfares paid, all for the price of trail riding six days a week, plus a paycheck! Wow. Guess what? It was too good to be true. They broke contract on the first day - No first aid equipment for the animals, insufficient feed and bedding, no paddocks. When I asked for things I needed I was for the most part, ignored. Being a young white female(called a slut by just about every korean male in a 5 mile radius for wearing skimpy singlets) I ignored protocol and went straight to the top man, and slowly, things began to improve. We had a horse there I named Kai, a magnificent beast, 16hh, true black, wearing an Australian brand on his shoulder. Alas, the beautiful animal was a ticking time bomb - from his brand and teeth I could tell he was over 22 years old. He had severe arthritis and his back legs were barely connected to his spine. One day, after giving him a bath, I set him up in a stable with some feed and stood watching him. It seemed to happen in slow motion - his head reaching for the water bucket, his back foot coming underneath him - but not quick enough. His back foot slipped under his weight, he came down and I heard the unmistakable SNAP SNAP! Of hip and cannon bones shattering. I had to physically restrain my boyfriend who wanted to get him up - I told him, get to the club and get someone. Kai thrashed. He screamed. He tried to get up. A horses instincts refuse to register injury in panic mode, all he knew was he had to get up. He had bashed his head against the wall and was bleeding by the time help arrived.
Not so much help after all - car after car of korean business man appeared, wearing expressions of "what does the silly girl want now" only to beat a hasty retreat back to their cars hearing the soul wrenching screams. It had now been at least an hour, probably two. No one spoke english, I was handed a phone call from the only horse representative, I explained, hes broken his leg, he needs euthanasia. I was told - over the phone mind you - that the horse simply had colic and he would be fine. I lost it (not the smartest move but hey I was freaking out) and screamed it was his leg, it was broken, someone, do the right thing! I was informed by their horse rep that the horse wasnt old, stop saying hes old, he'll be fine. After a bit more screaming from me he hung up and refused to be contacted.
Hours slipped by. Kai struggled, screamed and thrashed, by now close to losing an eye from banging his head on the wall from desperate attempts to stand. He lay in a pool of sweat and blood. Finally, I found the phone number for my one and only ally, a woman, an english translator who was a girlfriend of the big honcho who owned the horses. I explained, she hurried to comply, but still, another hour slipped by while they got ahold of the director, then a vet, and finally, he came.
Kai had now been sufferring for well on 6 hours now. And the agony had yet to end. The cow vet approached, syringe in hand. Puzzled that it was not the green stuff we use here, I looked closely, saying to my boyfriend, "hes going to need more - thats not enough" My boyfriend admonished "ssh. You dont know what hes using" so I watched in silence as they tied his flailing legs together and injected him. His eyes closed, all(except me, animals dont close their eyes to die) breathed a sigh of relief.
The air split with a terrible scream. His eyes opened again - now milky white and blind - and his lips peeled back in an ugly grimace as a scream unlike anything ever muttered by horse or man spiralled out of his throat. Frantically, the cow vet bolted back to his truck, everyone around crouching and covering their ears like we were under attack, filling another syringe, and firing it into the desperately struggling horse. Finally, stillness, finally, peace. A harsh jolt in my heart when the vet kicked him in the muzzle "just to make sure".
If I had had needles, I would have shot 30mls of penicillin into the vein. If Id had a sharp knife, I would have slit his throat. By the end I was getting desperate enough to try a large rock, and now I almost wish I had.
Thats just a little story, of how it is in a place that isnt set up for animals. As bad as euthanasia is, I had a small comfort that Raj and Chester left quickly, quietly, with respect and without undue sufferring. My heart will always mourn for Kai, and the other horses I left there to god knows what fate, running from the savages of the provinces home to our semi civilized world.
| 42 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Love & stuff
Mrs M