Tuesday to Today
November 30th 2007 03:37
Ive often described my life as a bad sitcom.
I had someone at work tell me yesterday - "I could fill two whole chapters in my book with your life!"
Two chapters. Really. That all?
Remember as well, that I usually forget stuff. I tell you the vast majority, but because of the amount of huge shit going down, I usually forget to tell you the little things that irked me. This week, I'll try not to leave anything out.
When I left you last Sunday, it was when we found out we werent moving. That afternoon I cleaned the house back to base while Mum and Kman did trips to bring back our fencing equipment. I think Ive left Monday out because I dont really remember it.
Tuesday we had our 'grooms meeting'. We were reminded that we had to have certain values, that our work load would be going up in the hope it would get us a payrise, and a bunch of other hullabullo. Im down to write a report on the pigeons, because I dont agree with culling, Ive got to have a report for the boss on humane solutions. Off my own bat Ive also decided to do reports on 'Shavings Vs Straw' .
.
ANYWAY. Tuesday I get home, and I cant find Zayfir. The others all come up to go to the grass paddock, he doesnt. I find him halfway down the hill entranced in a fern, with his front leg torn to bits. Lame as a duck. I examine him quickly, make sure its all superficial, then come up here.....To completely enclose the house yard in electric wire.
By 630pm, Ive done well. Posts are in, pins are on, Ive just got to string it. I come in for a neighbors break. When I get back out, Mums 'helping'. She has a few bright ideas and I spend longer than I meant to.
Then we start tensioning. Im thinking about how Ive attached these few metres to an established fence, and dont want to pull too hard. Mum reefs on it. The bottom lines sag and disappear.
I rage and scream up the line. Fix the corner. I get it to perfect tension when mum reefs again. Again, the other lines fall.
Now Im REALLY screaming! A whole picket has been ripped from the ground. I put it back and firmly tell her to leave it alone. One side of the fence is now done. I get to the other side.
Here I realize in mums great helpfulness, shes put broken pins on, so I now have to replace pins. Then string. Then tension.
We get zayf in, feed the others and clean his leg. Im not in the house until 9pm.
Let me just mention, something thats preyed on my mind all week and dogged me down, is that Im looking forward to the leave I had taken for moving - 5 wonderous days that will now belong to me. Sure, Ive got to put fences back up here, but I wont have to be at WORK. Looking forward to these 5 days is all Ive got to keep me going. Mum informed me on Sunday, "If youre still having those days off, so am I"
So every day, the idea of these days is tainted. There will really be no rest, no 'me' time, because she will be here, bullying, pushing, twisting. Making me do what SHE wants.
And, on monday, my name wasnt called out at roll call. I told them, my day off got moved to friday, but I know it wasnt corrected, because a little birdie informed me, I was called out THIS morning.
That means, right this very second, Im AWOL.
Hehe.
ANYWAY, Tuesday gets itself over, and wednsdays got its own issues. Shitfights and bitching and me just desperately trying to get through it. My period seems to be dragging on, sapping my strength. I still feel strong, capable, but wed night I eat nearly nothing - you can replace sleep with food for a short while, but sooner or later, your body just wants sleep.
Im laying in bed and sleep is coming and falling over me when I hear.....Hoofbeats. I dont want to get up. Theyre probably just being fools. But the pounding seems to have a particular insistance to it, theyre milling near the bedroom window and snorting, knowing where I am. So I open my eyes.
My room is dappled with white light coming from the windows. Incredibly powerful lights. Im trying desperately to connect my bodily functions together when Kman sits up. "Theres a guy!" He screams, "No, Two guys with torches!"
Im up, Im trying to find clothes - dammit! I always have clothes at the end of the bed! I hear the front door slam as mum goes out by herself. CHRIST! Kmans hot on her heels and my panic is just making it harder to pull the top over my head. Im thinking of perfectly simple, plausable reasons for someone being out there, maybe the guy next door has lost a dog, or something.
I finally get out there and grab hold of a snorting Magnus. Mum comes running up - "Its the cops! Theyve caught someone! Hes in HANDCUFFS! They are bringing him through" Zayfir is running demented circles of the house on a lame leg and looking like a messed up merry go round while Magnus snorts loudly in my ear. COPS? I think in disbelief.
The speed of the mind is an amazing thing. In milliseconds Im calculating - Is it my stalker? Couldnt possibly be, how would the cops know he was there? Im under surveillance, of course! I knew it! So Cops are everywhere - Im being watched. What if he wants to question us? Come inside the house? Christ! Where did I leave my pipe!
As panic begins to choke me and my heart does its best to wriggle out of my chest, the dutiful copper brings his prey around the side of the house. The kid looks up, into my eyes. He's young, young enough to still have that pretty look boys can have - skin seeming doe soft and pale, lips full and hair a dirty chestnut shock. His eyes are so deep and glittering like jewels. He gives me his most vicious face but it falls apart when it meets my compassionate one. Im Sorry! I blaze to him through mind pathways, What did you do, you poor bastard!
The copper has that look I know all to well. Luckily I dont know him - I doubt Id recognise him if I did. They all look the fucking same in their uniforms, and the sad thing is, thats the point! His face is pulled in a vicious animal grimace as he draws breath into his lungs, but it cant hide the feral grin - Gotcha! You little bastard!
Once again I think, what the hell did he DO? What was a kid that young doing to attract such a vicious attack? God, let it be burglary or something WORTH IT, because I cant imagine a copper chasing that hard for egging or smoking bongs under a bridge.
But the point is, at that moment, neither of them wore a human mask. This was the human animal as I have never seen it. The kid - a hunter, a young wolf who has now become PREY for a bigger dog - the shame and capture were all written across his face, the terror of being run down and the sick twist of no escape as the handcuffs clicked on. And the copper. Fierce, terrifying, a predator to be respected and admired as he ran down his young prey with sheer determination.
Kman said he only got him because he was taller. The kid had trouble getting over the barbed wire, the copper took it in stride as one big leap and practically came down on top of him. Kman says, "gee, that kid really didnt know how dangerous it was to run through a paddock with so many horses and electric tape"
I snorted, and barely refrained from calling Kman a stupid fuck. "Dearest" I said instead, "Youve been chased. When you are being chased nothing is as terrifying as what is chasing you. Nothing would have stopped him"
We come back inside after the copper takes away his prize through our front gate - so thankful to see a road and streetlights, he thought he was in the deep bush! I collapse into bed while mum and Kman have a chat about unlikely events, and I lay in bed and listen to the wailing of sirens. Too many just for one kid, they must have his friends.
Kman recounted a giggle moment - the first thing the copper said, finally holding his prey down, the first thing he sees is a massive guy charging down the hill with hair as long black and full as the wildman of borneo, with flinty cold eyes to match! The copper shines his torch in Kmans eyes - "Who the hell are you! What are you doing here!"
Kmans answer? "I fucking live here!"
The copper said sorry for your trouble and have a lovely night. I should commend him.
Thurs morn I awake. Its hard to focus on my days off. I have my sleep on the train but its not as peaceful as usual. As I climb the stairs I think, do I need to pee before I leave? Suddenly my guts drop and clench and I bolt to the bathrooms as my guts turn to water.
I have completely forgotten, at this piont in time, about the mysterious virus that caused these symptoms the previous week.
Leaving the bathroom, thinking, what the hell was that? I start my walk to work. I only have 15 mins. At the entrance to the station theres a one way, extremely busy main road. We all cross against the lights, no big deal. I start across with a skinny indian guy. Im about 3 steps from the gutter when I see the cars speeding up, and go to break into a jog.
My left leg jogs, but as I go to bring my right leg forward, and excruitiating pressure suddenly screams in my right knee. My knees were the cause of me giving up hurdles in primary school. Im well accustomed to the pain in them, and Ive been known to drag the right leg entirely when the pains bad. However, since Ive lost weight, they havnt given me a lot of trouble. So, with a barely woken up mind, extremely tired and pain filled body, how exactly am I supposed to comprehend my knee isnt bending? I can feel the pain, I know its bad. Its like pressure, extreme and unbelievable. I give the command once more, bend, jog but my first clue its all coming apart is the sidewalk rushing towards me. I barely have time to register the ashphault roaring towards me. Thank goddess my hands are quick.
I was approximately 5cm from face planting on the road. I hit with tremendous force - more than Id expect from my hieght, even with a heavy backpack on. I must have grunted or something, perhaps a gasp of shock, then an even louder one as I realized how close the cars were. I seemed to be there for hours - contemplating the impossibility of falling on the road.
Skinny indian guy turns to look in disbelief and I hear gasps from behind me. Im thinking indian guy will offer me a hand, but all he does is stare in disbelief, and I catch the thoughts from his brain - on drugs? Drinking at this time of the morning?
In disgust I pick myself up and get off the road as the horns begin to scream. I look in disbelief at my burning hands - theyre not injured. I continue to walk briskly and Im glad when indian guy turns off, he wont stop staring at me.
Everyone seems to be staring at me.
I get to work and start my stables. Im going very slowly and I dont give a fuck. Im trying to explain why my performance is less than perfect but no one seems to care - they just want to tell me to hurry up. After Ive done my stables I sit down for a ciggi and notice a hole in my jeans. Whats that? I pull them up.
My right knee, the one that refused to work and thus, hit the road with the most force, is bleeding. Not just grazed and torn but cut and bloods been oozing through the hole in my pants.
Oh, so THATS what everyone was staring at! Now heres the clincher - how could every stranger from station to work notice it and not any of the highly trained investigators I work with?
Its over. Its the final straw. I start shaking. OH YES! the voices scream, and theyre out of the box, the muted whispering is a swirling roar around my head. We have critical mass! We have reached stress point maximum, where I cant hold the door shut, and they get out to scream and run through my blood. I feel so much nausea I start to salivate badly. The shaking continues and I cant hold my head up. I go through a few supervisers who dont want to know before I find one that tells me to go have a sit down. I go hide in the locker room, eyes closed, feeling like Ive had a blow to the head.
The world swirls and nothing will focus. I just wish I could throw up instead of this in between ickyness. I ring Kman but he makes the huge mistake of saying something along the lines of "you dont handle stress" I end up screaming something to the effect of "Well I wish I couldnt! Cos then I would have had a breakdown on saturday when we had to move the fence the FIRST time!! And I wouldnt have had the rest of the fucking week!"
Slowly the story bleeds around of my near miss on the main road that morning and instead of teasing, I get a bit of sympathy. Not much mind, but dear friends give enough support to make up for it. I breathe lightly and borrow a touch here, a taste there of their strength, and before I know it, the days over. Im wandering out the gates before I realize.....Im free. Im really FREE!!!!
Last night, relaxed, and tucking into Vodka, I have this magnificent feeling.....Mums forgotten about my days off, and shes forgotten to take them herself. So I swan out, and tell her, remember, no work for me tomorrow! "Oh, thats right!" and I can hear her more articulate phrases in her mind, but its too late - THE DAY IS MINE!!
I intended to get up at 9am.
Everytime I tried to get up my feet moaned, my cat cried, so I stayed in bed another half hour. I layed there with the fan on full until finally the calling from the white choc mocha latte could not be ignored.
First thing I got was a msg from Jen - "Your name was called out this morning, you have jobs on the roster" I laugh heartily. I was expecting that. Bunch of dumbwits who like to talk about communication but actually have no idea how its done. Im thinking of all kinds of possibilities - Oh, if I play it right, I could get FIRED over this!
Im really having fun now!
I get my coffee and toast and bird and look out the window. The heat is disappearing as I look, the sky holding no blue, only white, smudged and bruised with edges of blue and grey and black. As I sit writing this post, a great black curtain pulls over the sky, thunder rumbles, and rain begins to fall. I duck out to get my beloved Magnus, put his raincoat on, and feed out some hay for lunch. Not that they need it, but Im a soft touch. The sound of the rain drumming is like heaven. I planned to fence today but I still have time, and the house really needs a clean - the kitchen and the floors, mums chiuhahas have had a pooping party. I'll do that later, and clean out my feedshed, maybe pick up some rubbish. Maybe have a nap.
Jen rings to tell me the stable superviser had a small tantrum. She thought I was supposed to be there, until she checked the roster. Guess Im not gonna get fired....I can still try I guess. Cant help myself!
Im keen for it, cos the rules have tightened, its an iron grip now, and we are even being told what we are allowed to request! I thought the requesting part made us THINK we had control of our destinies? Of course, they are allowed to deny, but shouldnt we be allowed a pretend sense of power? A small dream of control over our own lives? Without that, its just 1984. And that can get fucked. Its my greatest fight!
And....Theres a party today. I cant make it. Theres another party tomorrow for a dear friend - cant make that either and thats the landlords fault, and its making me feel REALLY bad, because I REALLY want to go! And I should have been able to. But I have no money.
I still might have a moment of madness and go. Its not likely though.
But, for now, this moment, the rain is drumming out that melodious tune I never tire of, Orble is good to me, with such friends as I thought Id never have.....And the radio is playing old songs from when I was younger and simpler, and the memories are uncluttered.....Songs such as these remind me of my dreams, of horse and human locked into a dance and perfectly in tune and unision as we dance for the entertainment of millions.......To the screams of joy and exhaultation we dance and twirl and tell stories with our moves, never failing to thrill and scare, hope and bare.
No matter how old I get(And I am not yet, or this body, anyway) I cannot let go of that dream - that somehow someway someday I will get the opportunity to get these dances out of my head and into the real, that this artistic expression would become something new and fresh and loved by all, something finally to inspire people to their dreams. And with my own dreams fulfilled, then may I reach around and pull countless others into the light with me, the world lighting up from a candle flame to a blaze as souls finally see hope and become happy and free......
And the world turns to a new age. All through the power of a dancing horse tracing his moves across life and love.
Surely, Ive had enough falls, enough lessons here. Surely, soon, at least a sign something might change.....I need to know the next step is near. I dont know what will happen if this keeps up...But I know it probably wont be good........
Such a silly girl, to hold such hope in her heart. All in the form of a dancing horse.....
I had someone at work tell me yesterday - "I could fill two whole chapters in my book with your life!"
Two chapters. Really. That all?
Remember as well, that I usually forget stuff. I tell you the vast majority, but because of the amount of huge shit going down, I usually forget to tell you the little things that irked me. This week, I'll try not to leave anything out.
When I left you last Sunday, it was when we found out we werent moving. That afternoon I cleaned the house back to base while Mum and Kman did trips to bring back our fencing equipment. I think Ive left Monday out because I dont really remember it.
Tuesday we had our 'grooms meeting'. We were reminded that we had to have certain values, that our work load would be going up in the hope it would get us a payrise, and a bunch of other hullabullo. Im down to write a report on the pigeons, because I dont agree with culling, Ive got to have a report for the boss on humane solutions. Off my own bat Ive also decided to do reports on 'Shavings Vs Straw' .
.
ANYWAY. Tuesday I get home, and I cant find Zayfir. The others all come up to go to the grass paddock, he doesnt. I find him halfway down the hill entranced in a fern, with his front leg torn to bits. Lame as a duck. I examine him quickly, make sure its all superficial, then come up here.....To completely enclose the house yard in electric wire.
By 630pm, Ive done well. Posts are in, pins are on, Ive just got to string it. I come in for a neighbors break. When I get back out, Mums 'helping'. She has a few bright ideas and I spend longer than I meant to.
Then we start tensioning. Im thinking about how Ive attached these few metres to an established fence, and dont want to pull too hard. Mum reefs on it. The bottom lines sag and disappear.
I rage and scream up the line. Fix the corner. I get it to perfect tension when mum reefs again. Again, the other lines fall.
Now Im REALLY screaming! A whole picket has been ripped from the ground. I put it back and firmly tell her to leave it alone. One side of the fence is now done. I get to the other side.
Here I realize in mums great helpfulness, shes put broken pins on, so I now have to replace pins. Then string. Then tension.
We get zayf in, feed the others and clean his leg. Im not in the house until 9pm.
Let me just mention, something thats preyed on my mind all week and dogged me down, is that Im looking forward to the leave I had taken for moving - 5 wonderous days that will now belong to me. Sure, Ive got to put fences back up here, but I wont have to be at WORK. Looking forward to these 5 days is all Ive got to keep me going. Mum informed me on Sunday, "If youre still having those days off, so am I"
So every day, the idea of these days is tainted. There will really be no rest, no 'me' time, because she will be here, bullying, pushing, twisting. Making me do what SHE wants.
And, on monday, my name wasnt called out at roll call. I told them, my day off got moved to friday, but I know it wasnt corrected, because a little birdie informed me, I was called out THIS morning.
That means, right this very second, Im AWOL.
Hehe.
ANYWAY, Tuesday gets itself over, and wednsdays got its own issues. Shitfights and bitching and me just desperately trying to get through it. My period seems to be dragging on, sapping my strength. I still feel strong, capable, but wed night I eat nearly nothing - you can replace sleep with food for a short while, but sooner or later, your body just wants sleep.
Im laying in bed and sleep is coming and falling over me when I hear.....Hoofbeats. I dont want to get up. Theyre probably just being fools. But the pounding seems to have a particular insistance to it, theyre milling near the bedroom window and snorting, knowing where I am. So I open my eyes.
My room is dappled with white light coming from the windows. Incredibly powerful lights. Im trying desperately to connect my bodily functions together when Kman sits up. "Theres a guy!" He screams, "No, Two guys with torches!"
Im up, Im trying to find clothes - dammit! I always have clothes at the end of the bed! I hear the front door slam as mum goes out by herself. CHRIST! Kmans hot on her heels and my panic is just making it harder to pull the top over my head. Im thinking of perfectly simple, plausable reasons for someone being out there, maybe the guy next door has lost a dog, or something.
I finally get out there and grab hold of a snorting Magnus. Mum comes running up - "Its the cops! Theyve caught someone! Hes in HANDCUFFS! They are bringing him through" Zayfir is running demented circles of the house on a lame leg and looking like a messed up merry go round while Magnus snorts loudly in my ear. COPS? I think in disbelief.
The speed of the mind is an amazing thing. In milliseconds Im calculating - Is it my stalker? Couldnt possibly be, how would the cops know he was there? Im under surveillance, of course! I knew it! So Cops are everywhere - Im being watched. What if he wants to question us? Come inside the house? Christ! Where did I leave my pipe!
As panic begins to choke me and my heart does its best to wriggle out of my chest, the dutiful copper brings his prey around the side of the house. The kid looks up, into my eyes. He's young, young enough to still have that pretty look boys can have - skin seeming doe soft and pale, lips full and hair a dirty chestnut shock. His eyes are so deep and glittering like jewels. He gives me his most vicious face but it falls apart when it meets my compassionate one. Im Sorry! I blaze to him through mind pathways, What did you do, you poor bastard!
The copper has that look I know all to well. Luckily I dont know him - I doubt Id recognise him if I did. They all look the fucking same in their uniforms, and the sad thing is, thats the point! His face is pulled in a vicious animal grimace as he draws breath into his lungs, but it cant hide the feral grin - Gotcha! You little bastard!
Once again I think, what the hell did he DO? What was a kid that young doing to attract such a vicious attack? God, let it be burglary or something WORTH IT, because I cant imagine a copper chasing that hard for egging or smoking bongs under a bridge.
But the point is, at that moment, neither of them wore a human mask. This was the human animal as I have never seen it. The kid - a hunter, a young wolf who has now become PREY for a bigger dog - the shame and capture were all written across his face, the terror of being run down and the sick twist of no escape as the handcuffs clicked on. And the copper. Fierce, terrifying, a predator to be respected and admired as he ran down his young prey with sheer determination.
Kman said he only got him because he was taller. The kid had trouble getting over the barbed wire, the copper took it in stride as one big leap and practically came down on top of him. Kman says, "gee, that kid really didnt know how dangerous it was to run through a paddock with so many horses and electric tape"
I snorted, and barely refrained from calling Kman a stupid fuck. "Dearest" I said instead, "Youve been chased. When you are being chased nothing is as terrifying as what is chasing you. Nothing would have stopped him"
We come back inside after the copper takes away his prize through our front gate - so thankful to see a road and streetlights, he thought he was in the deep bush! I collapse into bed while mum and Kman have a chat about unlikely events, and I lay in bed and listen to the wailing of sirens. Too many just for one kid, they must have his friends.
Kman recounted a giggle moment - the first thing the copper said, finally holding his prey down, the first thing he sees is a massive guy charging down the hill with hair as long black and full as the wildman of borneo, with flinty cold eyes to match! The copper shines his torch in Kmans eyes - "Who the hell are you! What are you doing here!"
Kmans answer? "I fucking live here!"
The copper said sorry for your trouble and have a lovely night. I should commend him.
Thurs morn I awake. Its hard to focus on my days off. I have my sleep on the train but its not as peaceful as usual. As I climb the stairs I think, do I need to pee before I leave? Suddenly my guts drop and clench and I bolt to the bathrooms as my guts turn to water.
I have completely forgotten, at this piont in time, about the mysterious virus that caused these symptoms the previous week.
Leaving the bathroom, thinking, what the hell was that? I start my walk to work. I only have 15 mins. At the entrance to the station theres a one way, extremely busy main road. We all cross against the lights, no big deal. I start across with a skinny indian guy. Im about 3 steps from the gutter when I see the cars speeding up, and go to break into a jog.
My left leg jogs, but as I go to bring my right leg forward, and excruitiating pressure suddenly screams in my right knee. My knees were the cause of me giving up hurdles in primary school. Im well accustomed to the pain in them, and Ive been known to drag the right leg entirely when the pains bad. However, since Ive lost weight, they havnt given me a lot of trouble. So, with a barely woken up mind, extremely tired and pain filled body, how exactly am I supposed to comprehend my knee isnt bending? I can feel the pain, I know its bad. Its like pressure, extreme and unbelievable. I give the command once more, bend, jog but my first clue its all coming apart is the sidewalk rushing towards me. I barely have time to register the ashphault roaring towards me. Thank goddess my hands are quick.
I was approximately 5cm from face planting on the road. I hit with tremendous force - more than Id expect from my hieght, even with a heavy backpack on. I must have grunted or something, perhaps a gasp of shock, then an even louder one as I realized how close the cars were. I seemed to be there for hours - contemplating the impossibility of falling on the road.
Skinny indian guy turns to look in disbelief and I hear gasps from behind me. Im thinking indian guy will offer me a hand, but all he does is stare in disbelief, and I catch the thoughts from his brain - on drugs? Drinking at this time of the morning?
In disgust I pick myself up and get off the road as the horns begin to scream. I look in disbelief at my burning hands - theyre not injured. I continue to walk briskly and Im glad when indian guy turns off, he wont stop staring at me.
Everyone seems to be staring at me.
I get to work and start my stables. Im going very slowly and I dont give a fuck. Im trying to explain why my performance is less than perfect but no one seems to care - they just want to tell me to hurry up. After Ive done my stables I sit down for a ciggi and notice a hole in my jeans. Whats that? I pull them up.
My right knee, the one that refused to work and thus, hit the road with the most force, is bleeding. Not just grazed and torn but cut and bloods been oozing through the hole in my pants.
Oh, so THATS what everyone was staring at! Now heres the clincher - how could every stranger from station to work notice it and not any of the highly trained investigators I work with?
Its over. Its the final straw. I start shaking. OH YES! the voices scream, and theyre out of the box, the muted whispering is a swirling roar around my head. We have critical mass! We have reached stress point maximum, where I cant hold the door shut, and they get out to scream and run through my blood. I feel so much nausea I start to salivate badly. The shaking continues and I cant hold my head up. I go through a few supervisers who dont want to know before I find one that tells me to go have a sit down. I go hide in the locker room, eyes closed, feeling like Ive had a blow to the head.
The world swirls and nothing will focus. I just wish I could throw up instead of this in between ickyness. I ring Kman but he makes the huge mistake of saying something along the lines of "you dont handle stress" I end up screaming something to the effect of "Well I wish I couldnt! Cos then I would have had a breakdown on saturday when we had to move the fence the FIRST time!! And I wouldnt have had the rest of the fucking week!"
Slowly the story bleeds around of my near miss on the main road that morning and instead of teasing, I get a bit of sympathy. Not much mind, but dear friends give enough support to make up for it. I breathe lightly and borrow a touch here, a taste there of their strength, and before I know it, the days over. Im wandering out the gates before I realize.....Im free. Im really FREE!!!!
Last night, relaxed, and tucking into Vodka, I have this magnificent feeling.....Mums forgotten about my days off, and shes forgotten to take them herself. So I swan out, and tell her, remember, no work for me tomorrow! "Oh, thats right!" and I can hear her more articulate phrases in her mind, but its too late - THE DAY IS MINE!!
I intended to get up at 9am.
Everytime I tried to get up my feet moaned, my cat cried, so I stayed in bed another half hour. I layed there with the fan on full until finally the calling from the white choc mocha latte could not be ignored.
First thing I got was a msg from Jen - "Your name was called out this morning, you have jobs on the roster" I laugh heartily. I was expecting that. Bunch of dumbwits who like to talk about communication but actually have no idea how its done. Im thinking of all kinds of possibilities - Oh, if I play it right, I could get FIRED over this!
Im really having fun now!
I get my coffee and toast and bird and look out the window. The heat is disappearing as I look, the sky holding no blue, only white, smudged and bruised with edges of blue and grey and black. As I sit writing this post, a great black curtain pulls over the sky, thunder rumbles, and rain begins to fall. I duck out to get my beloved Magnus, put his raincoat on, and feed out some hay for lunch. Not that they need it, but Im a soft touch. The sound of the rain drumming is like heaven. I planned to fence today but I still have time, and the house really needs a clean - the kitchen and the floors, mums chiuhahas have had a pooping party. I'll do that later, and clean out my feedshed, maybe pick up some rubbish. Maybe have a nap.
Jen rings to tell me the stable superviser had a small tantrum. She thought I was supposed to be there, until she checked the roster. Guess Im not gonna get fired....I can still try I guess. Cant help myself!
Im keen for it, cos the rules have tightened, its an iron grip now, and we are even being told what we are allowed to request! I thought the requesting part made us THINK we had control of our destinies? Of course, they are allowed to deny, but shouldnt we be allowed a pretend sense of power? A small dream of control over our own lives? Without that, its just 1984. And that can get fucked. Its my greatest fight!
And....Theres a party today. I cant make it. Theres another party tomorrow for a dear friend - cant make that either and thats the landlords fault, and its making me feel REALLY bad, because I REALLY want to go! And I should have been able to. But I have no money.
I still might have a moment of madness and go. Its not likely though.
But, for now, this moment, the rain is drumming out that melodious tune I never tire of, Orble is good to me, with such friends as I thought Id never have.....And the radio is playing old songs from when I was younger and simpler, and the memories are uncluttered.....Songs such as these remind me of my dreams, of horse and human locked into a dance and perfectly in tune and unision as we dance for the entertainment of millions.......To the screams of joy and exhaultation we dance and twirl and tell stories with our moves, never failing to thrill and scare, hope and bare.
No matter how old I get(And I am not yet, or this body, anyway) I cannot let go of that dream - that somehow someway someday I will get the opportunity to get these dances out of my head and into the real, that this artistic expression would become something new and fresh and loved by all, something finally to inspire people to their dreams. And with my own dreams fulfilled, then may I reach around and pull countless others into the light with me, the world lighting up from a candle flame to a blaze as souls finally see hope and become happy and free......
And the world turns to a new age. All through the power of a dancing horse tracing his moves across life and love.
Surely, Ive had enough falls, enough lessons here. Surely, soon, at least a sign something might change.....I need to know the next step is near. I dont know what will happen if this keeps up...But I know it probably wont be good........
Such a silly girl, to hold such hope in her heart. All in the form of a dancing horse.....
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Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
Kleo, you could do a whole damn saga. Hilarious, and I love that you are so realistic and unsentimental about family relations.
Excellent! I had a lot of fun reading about your exploits!
Michaelie
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Great to see you again, and Im so glad you enjoyed it! Dont worry, the drama never stops!
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Frozen Stollis sound wonderful, and pray tell - What kind of pill? *cheeky grin*
High drama is actually regular around here. I keep straining for at least semi peace or mid peace but I usually only end up pulling something.
Thanks for reading!
Luv
KLEO
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
I hadn't read this one before but it cracked me up. You certainly have comedic timing.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Its funny you know, cos I always thought that humour was just a side affect...Its not something I try for. But in life, Im always cracking jokes about everything, it just makes life easier if everyone can laugh, even if inside Im screaming!
Im starting to think that might just be how comedians are made!
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis