Im thinking lately.....The computers not really my thing. Oh, I love my blog, I work hard on it....In a manner of speaking. But Im just de motivated at the moment..

Im not going to do anything I might regret, like give up my blog or stop writing on it. Ive had these stages before and I always get over them. But its the beginning of winter, and theres so muh to be done. Todays feed delivery day, and I'll have to use the faulty wheel barrow to get it all to the shed, the grounds too wet for the truck to make it down the back. We really, really need wood and it doesnt look like the wheel barrow will be fixed in time. Ive gathered wood without a wheel barrow....Its just really, really, no fun. And we went to Hawkesbury show...

But that really deserves a post all its own. Mum managed to break Wist's toe yesterday - he was too close to the swing gate when she was coming in and he got his little foot caught under it. The injury itself is not bad, he's running around on it fine, its just the way he's reacting to it. He's never felt any pain the whole time he's been alive. Im sure he didnt know it existed. So, he's depressed. But Im keeping him warm, spoiling him....He'll be ok, poor little man.
The weather is just amazing although the horses dont think so - I gave out the last of the hay last night as it was booming and flashing and I wanted to give them a snack to take their minds off it. I cant even hate the weather for making it impossible for the feed truck to get down the back - Im too exhilerated by it!

Most important to me right now is this warm bubble - on the couch, wrapped up in ideas, Buffy playing out before my eyelids and my hand sketching so fast I can barely keep up. I churned out a magnificent one last night thats too big to scan up, but it felt great - an actual artwork! Seeing the drawing competition at the Show has inspired me. I couldnt have won, but I could have placed. Also, when the wicked weather screams...

Although I have come up with an awesome idea for my own tarot cards, (and, when I come up with something like that all I want to do is sit up all night until its done) I know its going to take some time. Theres deciding on the image for each card, drawing them and sticking them to firmer pieces of cardboard. Im looking forward to a deck Ive made very much, the intimate knowing of each card. However, seeing the amount of time that would take, Im itching to read NOW so the simplest, quickest option is to finish getting to know the Faery wicca and give them a whirl. Theres also magic cards - I have no idea what 'level' or 'edition' Magic the Gathering is up to, but I used to kick arse at that game, and each card is wedded to me. I thought they might make an unconventional deck that worked nicely for me, or I could play a game against myself - very hard work - and see which colour wins - which character. And read them like Id read a tarot deck. I could play white and black together, or, if I want to be REALLY technical, I could play all 5 colours in a five player game. It could take me years....

Ive just realized, I have some newer pictures that arent scanned, but Im too lazy for that today. I just want to get a pencil in my hand. To truly feel like myself, I need less time on this little fuzzy box. And somehow these red pills are giving me back to myself like I never dreamed any kind of drug could. Drugs can obliterate this or that, shave the edge off here, distort perception and bend reality, and all thats great when you're filing a square peg into a round hole....But I never dreamed there'd EVER be a drug that would just wake me up in the morning.....

Like Im 15 again. Oh, I feel 25, I feel strong, mature and capable, I feel educated about the ways of life and her pitfalls, but I feel youthful finally, like its all ahead of me. But at the same time as I feel that.....As I do little, everyday things, I'm reminded. The other day, bringing the pigeon in for the night, how once I would have thought it to be the most exciting thing in the world, just putting my hands around a bird to stroke it and love it. To have him cuddle up to me and coo, and do his cute little dance (its adorable - he waves his wings and stomps his little feet up and down) years ago I would have found this scream worthy excitement. And the dull hard things - even those I would have found exciting hemmed into suburbia, I would have found opening gates and moving horses, wood collecting, starting fires, fencing....There are a myriad of things that I do every day that years ago I would have found distinctly 'novel'. Even down to swinging the axe and checking horse's feet....

I dont feel 'rejuvinated'. I dont feel 'cleansed'. I feel like Im running through my own blood again. There is no pain - the headache Ive learned to live with has quite simply disappeared. Im having strange cramps and dizzy spells, but they may fade as I get used to the stuff. Im really light sensitive, but what else is new? When I reach - I recieve. Its that simple, and my body is for the most part obeying me. And on days like today, I cannot describe it ever effectively enough.....I can only immerse myself in tossing trees and screaming winds, black wind torn sky and the leaking cold ice sneaking into the house through cracks and windows....