What if every word The Bible says.....Is True?
March 29th 2008 00:30
I dont get into trends, I dont jump on the bandwagon. I generally go in the opposite direction as everyone else simply as a matter of principle. However, Ive been having some thoughts and Id like to share this perspective.
( I was going to collect some Bible quotes for you to punctuate my point, but given the vast and rampant interpretations, Ive decided thats not such a smart idea. I may refrence to things Ive read, but I am not going to quote the Bible)
Recently we find out via the genius of South Park that when Jesus died, he intended to leave Peter Rabbit in charge of the chuch. Yes, thats right, Peter Rabbit was supposed to be the Pope. If you watch the episode you'll see why, but to run it down for you in the end the rabbitt is happily in power upon the Pope's chair when he is asked a question about how modern humans should live.
The rabbitt looks at him knowingly, but says nothing
In light of this evidence and the constant, vicious arguments, Ive decided.....What if every single damn word in the Bible was true? Every last one, exact to the detail, just what Jesus meant, intended to say. YES, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.
Think about it. We know Jesus is a tricky bastard - He wanted a rabbit in charge of his church, he made everyone think he was dead, then went "SURPRISE" and resurrected himself. Lets not forget the loaves and fishes thing. Oh, yes, he was a trickster alright! And if you're religious in any way, or read this book he authored, you'll know that Jesus loved his metaphors......Some people kindly call them 'parables'. I call them 'riddles'.
So, if Jesus wanted a rabbit in charge just for the simple reason that it copuldnt TALK, couldnt corrupt his message or INTERPRET things as it saw fit, doesnt it stand to reason that he contradicted himself constantly in The Bible just to ensure he wasnt misunderstood? He's the son of God right, and surely people have been asking - "Didnt he know we would fight over his words? Why didnt he leave us a way to see whats right and whats wrong?"
I think the ultimate message is thats up to us, and never forget
But he DID know people. He knew no matter what he wrote, we would fight. Im sure it occupied his every thought, you know, when he wasnt making babies with Mary Magdalene. But I can see it now - his whole life he was a trickster, giggling away at how easy it was to fool us into thinking this or that, or saying this or that, even DOING this or that! (can you imagine how he laughed the first time a pope ever put on that HAT) And so, He's planning the Bible. He knows he's got to leave us words of Wisdom, (even though we all know from watching Xena the only true book is 'The book of Wisdom' that says its by Lao Tzu but is actually by Lao Ma)
So Jesus is stressing over the Bible right. He's hashing it out with Mary while they sip some wine that was water a few seconds ago. Jesus is going, "I cant just tell them the truth Mary. You're the only one Ive told it to and we all know no one is going to read your gospel until about the year 2000. If I leave nothing it will be utter chaos - you'd probably get killed and our precious children. What am I going to tell them?"
Child rocking in her arms Mary looks lovingly up at her husband and says "Darling, you are so good at metaphors. Of course, most people think your tales are just happy little stories that are taken at face value. But there are the odd few that see beyond the story and search for the meaning within it. Just make your book one big metaphor. Everyone will still fight, but at least the world shouldnt tear itself apart - you'll be giving them something after all"
Jesus snaps his fingers. "Why yes! Thats it! A metaphor within a metaphor - I'll give them enough truth that they know I love them, but I'll mix it up with a few lies too - I'll even directly contradict myself a few times, and that will mean, that at least some of the time, EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON EARTH WILL BE RIGHT!!"
Feeding the baby now, Mary does the woman's sigh and rolling of eyes, "But Love, doesnt that mean people will be wrong too?"
"well yes Dear Love, but at least they will have the chance to be right as well. This way, so long as I write it ambigously enough, people will be able to shape their views according to their personality. There will be, literally, billions of interpretations, and all that means is more souls coming to me whole. Thats the aim of the game anyway." Jesus squints thoughtfully.
"Jesus, are you ever going to move those sandles? I told you to leave them outside. And, please get Lucifer to help you out with the lies....You know how bored he is since he got kicked out and everything."
"Mary!" Jesus exclaims and kisses her, "Thats a brilliant idea! Lucifer will be just the one to help me out with this!" and dashes out the door.
Still feeding the child, Mary mutters to herself, "And he still forgot to move those fucking sandles!"
So Jesus runs off and finds Lucifer, brooding in the desert. "Hey! Mate!" Calls Jesus, " I need your help with something!"
"What" responds Lucifer boredly.
"I want you to help me write the Bible!"
Lucifer brightens. "Really? And what does Dad have to say about that?"
"Oh, you know Dad.....Always off doing it with the cosmic Mother, expanding the universe you know. Got to make room for all this new life thats coming. By the year 3000 we are going to need about 5 Earths just to maintain population. Thats why Im here. Learning the ropes so I can be in charge while he's off"
Lucifer looks up incredulously, "You? You're going to be in charge?"
"Of course. Who else?"
"Well, Uh, that is......I thought I would be"
Jesus bursts out laughing, "Honestly Lucifer look at yourself! Look where you are! Did you really think they'd give you that much responsability?"
Lucifer scowls. "I was almost there you know"
"Yeah yeah, I know, and pride brought you down. Your problem Lucifer, is that you want to be human. You dont want the same Divine responsability we have."
"well is that a bloody crime then?! Look at them! Fucking and fighting and filling themselves with intoxicants that feel so good! Killing and maiming and living according to their instincts! And what do you do about it? Sweet fuck all! You even encourage it!"
"Of course I do Lucifer! Im not the monster remember? Life is to be lived, enjoyed. For Heaven's sake, I dont want people down here kneeling on hard wood for hours or crucifying themselves - what kind of arsehole would I be then?"
"So thats my job is it?" Lucifer asks darkly.
"Well....You want it dont you?"
Lucifer smiles his trademark smile. "Yes."
"Well then. And stop telling people you got kicked out - its not bloody true."
"what? Who told you that?"
"Mary did. Im sick of it Lucifer. I know you love to lie but it cant go down in history that you got kicked out. It will just fuck everything up."
"well why not?"
"trust me it just cant! You bloody left because you couldnt stand Gabriel playing on the harp anymore -"
"Not to mention those fucking Seraphs. Do you know they are still bloody singing at 2am?"
"Whatever! You got what you wanted - God let you leave. Now rather than mooning around here all the time why dont you create a kingdom for yourself? As soon as I get to heaven I'll be sending souls to you. The ones that are the same as you - the ones that cant cope with white clouds and harp playing and moderate temperature. You gotta set up a place that has fire, ice, caters to sexual fetishes and plays heavy metal and other alternative music. You know we only get the soft stations up there - or talk back. You think you can do that?"
" I think it sounds like a lot of fun" Lucifer smiled.
"Good. So we understand each other. I know you are just as upset as I am that we are losing so many souls. We've got to get this book done so people know where to go"
"So wait, wait. We are gonna write this book, right, and the ones that listen to the truth go to you, and the ones who listen to the lies come to me?"
"I wish it were that simple," Jesus lamented, "But the human race is so varied, its why we have to do it this way. Im aiming to create a text that can be interpreted in a billion different ways -"
"so everyones right and wrong at the same time? What are you fucking nuts? All they'll ever do is argue!"
"Stop interupting me! Its very rude! But yes, everyone will be right and wrong at the same time. Im hoping it will be a theoligan's argument and not a physical war, which would definitely happen if I left nothing. If I left and didnt leave proof of my being here then they'd just carry on as if I never came."
"I suppose thats true" Lucifer says thoughtfully.
"Dont you see the beauty of it Lucifer? If billions of people read the book, and each and every one takes a different interpretation - that they, as each individual, believe to be right - then they can back themselves up with MY words -"
"our words"
"Yes, ok, OUR words, but each and every one of those billion individuals will believe themselves to be utterly, unshakeably right. And no one will be able to convince them otherwise, even if they still use my book! Isnt it brilliant! Mary thought of it."
"oh I just bet she did"
"I know, she's a genius. But anyway, what it comes down to is that we get more souls, both of us. I mean jeez man, you should have seen the ladder last time I was there." Jesus looks desolate for a moment.
Lucifer pats him on the back, "that bad man?"
Jesus nods. " That bad and more. Theres been at least a couple of hundred humans born but perhaps only ten have come back through reincarnation? So many of them are afraid of the spark of life going out of them, they get so frightened they dont know what to do and the energy of the Earth just sucks them up like fuel. I mean, thats whats supposed to happen, nothing wasted right? But they should have the will, the individuality and the love of life to look up and come to me, even without being told Im there."
"You're expecting too much. Its not like they found me either, even the dirtier ones didnt think to look around."
Jesus sighs, "well, its what Im here for isnt it? To prove that there is eternal life. I really wish my disciples would catch on to this reincarnation thing. They keep thinking it means they go to heaven forever."
"well, can you blame em? They fucking hate it here Jesus."
Jesus looks around, and takes a deep breath of sweet air. His eyes are burned by the sun and its reflective glare but it doesnt hurt his eyes. A bird flies by, singing.
"I dont find it so bad."
"You're the fucking son of God! You dont even feel it when you stub your toe! Jesus!"
"what?"
"nothing, Im just working on a new curse word. I like the sound of it."
Jesus smiles. "Taking my name in vain huh?"
Lucifer grins "Well, why not?"
"Indeed, indeed my friend! Why not! Now, lets get started on that book! Quite obviously, my take is going to be all peace and love, and yours is going to have a bit more fire and brimstone-"
"oo, you know that would really look good in the hot section of my kingdom!"
"awesome, go with it. Now, What I think we should do is take turns writing alternate paragraphs and then switch...."
This is just a senario. But guys, come on. What if?
It makes a hell of a lot more sense to me, even if it doesnt to you.
( I was going to collect some Bible quotes for you to punctuate my point, but given the vast and rampant interpretations, Ive decided thats not such a smart idea. I may refrence to things Ive read, but I am not going to quote the Bible)
Recently we find out via the genius of South Park that when Jesus died, he intended to leave Peter Rabbit in charge of the chuch. Yes, thats right, Peter Rabbit was supposed to be the Pope. If you watch the episode you'll see why, but to run it down for you in the end the rabbitt is happily in power upon the Pope's chair when he is asked a question about how modern humans should live.
The rabbitt looks at him knowingly, but says nothing
...."As Jesus intended"
In light of this evidence and the constant, vicious arguments, Ive decided.....What if every single damn word in the Bible was true? Every last one, exact to the detail, just what Jesus meant, intended to say. YES, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.
Think about it. We know Jesus is a tricky bastard - He wanted a rabbit in charge of his church, he made everyone think he was dead, then went "SURPRISE" and resurrected himself. Lets not forget the loaves and fishes thing. Oh, yes, he was a trickster alright! And if you're religious in any way, or read this book he authored, you'll know that Jesus loved his metaphors......Some people kindly call them 'parables'. I call them 'riddles'.
So, if Jesus wanted a rabbit in charge just for the simple reason that it copuldnt TALK, couldnt corrupt his message or INTERPRET things as it saw fit, doesnt it stand to reason that he contradicted himself constantly in The Bible just to ensure he wasnt misunderstood? He's the son of God right, and surely people have been asking - "Didnt he know we would fight over his words? Why didnt he leave us a way to see whats right and whats wrong?"
I think the ultimate message is thats up to us, and never forget
"Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do"...
..(Futurama)But he DID know people. He knew no matter what he wrote, we would fight. Im sure it occupied his every thought, you know, when he wasnt making babies with Mary Magdalene. But I can see it now - his whole life he was a trickster, giggling away at how easy it was to fool us into thinking this or that, or saying this or that, even DOING this or that! (can you imagine how he laughed the first time a pope ever put on that HAT) And so, He's planning the Bible. He knows he's got to leave us words of Wisdom, (even though we all know from watching Xena the only true book is 'The book of Wisdom' that says its by Lao Tzu but is actually by Lao Ma)
So Jesus is stressing over the Bible right. He's hashing it out with Mary while they sip some wine that was water a few seconds ago. Jesus is going, "I cant just tell them the truth Mary. You're the only one Ive told it to and we all know no one is going to read your gospel until about the year 2000. If I leave nothing it will be utter chaos - you'd probably get killed and our precious children. What am I going to tell them?"
Child rocking in her arms Mary looks lovingly up at her husband and says "Darling, you are so good at metaphors. Of course, most people think your tales are just happy little stories that are taken at face value. But there are the odd few that see beyond the story and search for the meaning within it. Just make your book one big metaphor. Everyone will still fight, but at least the world shouldnt tear itself apart - you'll be giving them something after all"
Jesus snaps his fingers. "Why yes! Thats it! A metaphor within a metaphor - I'll give them enough truth that they know I love them, but I'll mix it up with a few lies too - I'll even directly contradict myself a few times, and that will mean, that at least some of the time, EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON EARTH WILL BE RIGHT!!"
Feeding the baby now, Mary does the woman's sigh and rolling of eyes, "But Love, doesnt that mean people will be wrong too?"
"well yes Dear Love, but at least they will have the chance to be right as well. This way, so long as I write it ambigously enough, people will be able to shape their views according to their personality. There will be, literally, billions of interpretations, and all that means is more souls coming to me whole. Thats the aim of the game anyway." Jesus squints thoughtfully.
"Jesus, are you ever going to move those sandles? I told you to leave them outside. And, please get Lucifer to help you out with the lies....You know how bored he is since he got kicked out and everything."
"Mary!" Jesus exclaims and kisses her, "Thats a brilliant idea! Lucifer will be just the one to help me out with this!" and dashes out the door.
Still feeding the child, Mary mutters to herself, "And he still forgot to move those fucking sandles!"
So Jesus runs off and finds Lucifer, brooding in the desert. "Hey! Mate!" Calls Jesus, " I need your help with something!"
"What" responds Lucifer boredly.
"I want you to help me write the Bible!"
Lucifer brightens. "Really? And what does Dad have to say about that?"
"Oh, you know Dad.....Always off doing it with the cosmic Mother, expanding the universe you know. Got to make room for all this new life thats coming. By the year 3000 we are going to need about 5 Earths just to maintain population. Thats why Im here. Learning the ropes so I can be in charge while he's off"
Lucifer looks up incredulously, "You? You're going to be in charge?"
"Of course. Who else?"
"Well, Uh, that is......I thought I would be"
Jesus bursts out laughing, "Honestly Lucifer look at yourself! Look where you are! Did you really think they'd give you that much responsability?"
Lucifer scowls. "I was almost there you know"
"Yeah yeah, I know, and pride brought you down. Your problem Lucifer, is that you want to be human. You dont want the same Divine responsability we have."
"well is that a bloody crime then?! Look at them! Fucking and fighting and filling themselves with intoxicants that feel so good! Killing and maiming and living according to their instincts! And what do you do about it? Sweet fuck all! You even encourage it!"
"Of course I do Lucifer! Im not the monster remember? Life is to be lived, enjoyed. For Heaven's sake, I dont want people down here kneeling on hard wood for hours or crucifying themselves - what kind of arsehole would I be then?"
"So thats my job is it?" Lucifer asks darkly.
"Well....You want it dont you?"
Lucifer smiles his trademark smile. "Yes."
"Well then. And stop telling people you got kicked out - its not bloody true."
"what? Who told you that?"
"Mary did. Im sick of it Lucifer. I know you love to lie but it cant go down in history that you got kicked out. It will just fuck everything up."
"well why not?"
"trust me it just cant! You bloody left because you couldnt stand Gabriel playing on the harp anymore -"
"Not to mention those fucking Seraphs. Do you know they are still bloody singing at 2am?"
"Whatever! You got what you wanted - God let you leave. Now rather than mooning around here all the time why dont you create a kingdom for yourself? As soon as I get to heaven I'll be sending souls to you. The ones that are the same as you - the ones that cant cope with white clouds and harp playing and moderate temperature. You gotta set up a place that has fire, ice, caters to sexual fetishes and plays heavy metal and other alternative music. You know we only get the soft stations up there - or talk back. You think you can do that?"
" I think it sounds like a lot of fun" Lucifer smiled.
"Good. So we understand each other. I know you are just as upset as I am that we are losing so many souls. We've got to get this book done so people know where to go"
"So wait, wait. We are gonna write this book, right, and the ones that listen to the truth go to you, and the ones who listen to the lies come to me?"
"I wish it were that simple," Jesus lamented, "But the human race is so varied, its why we have to do it this way. Im aiming to create a text that can be interpreted in a billion different ways -"
"so everyones right and wrong at the same time? What are you fucking nuts? All they'll ever do is argue!"
"Stop interupting me! Its very rude! But yes, everyone will be right and wrong at the same time. Im hoping it will be a theoligan's argument and not a physical war, which would definitely happen if I left nothing. If I left and didnt leave proof of my being here then they'd just carry on as if I never came."
"I suppose thats true" Lucifer says thoughtfully.
"Dont you see the beauty of it Lucifer? If billions of people read the book, and each and every one takes a different interpretation - that they, as each individual, believe to be right - then they can back themselves up with MY words -"
"our words"
"Yes, ok, OUR words, but each and every one of those billion individuals will believe themselves to be utterly, unshakeably right. And no one will be able to convince them otherwise, even if they still use my book! Isnt it brilliant! Mary thought of it."
"oh I just bet she did"
"I know, she's a genius. But anyway, what it comes down to is that we get more souls, both of us. I mean jeez man, you should have seen the ladder last time I was there." Jesus looks desolate for a moment.
Lucifer pats him on the back, "that bad man?"
Jesus nods. " That bad and more. Theres been at least a couple of hundred humans born but perhaps only ten have come back through reincarnation? So many of them are afraid of the spark of life going out of them, they get so frightened they dont know what to do and the energy of the Earth just sucks them up like fuel. I mean, thats whats supposed to happen, nothing wasted right? But they should have the will, the individuality and the love of life to look up and come to me, even without being told Im there."
"You're expecting too much. Its not like they found me either, even the dirtier ones didnt think to look around."
Jesus sighs, "well, its what Im here for isnt it? To prove that there is eternal life. I really wish my disciples would catch on to this reincarnation thing. They keep thinking it means they go to heaven forever."
"well, can you blame em? They fucking hate it here Jesus."
Jesus looks around, and takes a deep breath of sweet air. His eyes are burned by the sun and its reflective glare but it doesnt hurt his eyes. A bird flies by, singing.
"I dont find it so bad."
"You're the fucking son of God! You dont even feel it when you stub your toe! Jesus!"
"what?"
"nothing, Im just working on a new curse word. I like the sound of it."
Jesus smiles. "Taking my name in vain huh?"
Lucifer grins "Well, why not?"
"Indeed, indeed my friend! Why not! Now, lets get started on that book! Quite obviously, my take is going to be all peace and love, and yours is going to have a bit more fire and brimstone-"
"oo, you know that would really look good in the hot section of my kingdom!"
"awesome, go with it. Now, What I think we should do is take turns writing alternate paragraphs and then switch...."
This is just a senario. But guys, come on. What if?
It makes a hell of a lot more sense to me, even if it doesnt to you.
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Comment by tlcorbin
Comment by Jason King
Sydney Table
Salty Popcorn
Total Randomness
Nice read!
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
In all my time on Orble, this was the most fun post to write EVER. I started with half an idea and just kept rolling. I might continue the theme, I liked it so much!
As for fur flying....Well, I left it for two days and expected to be inundated with scathing comments....I guess Im just not as important as you guys....*sigh*
Glad you liked it Raven, I had a feeling it would tickle you!
Jason King
Great to meet you and thanks for stoppin in! Im glad you enjoyed it!
Ruby,
HAHAHAHA....Knew I could count on you!
Comment by tlcorbin
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I finally got the suitcase shut and got here to make a comment.
What a 'What if' this is!
Hint: people don't want solutions, they like the drama of arguing... as 'they' say; you can't teach morons ...
Going now, because I just remembered I was going to look that word up and post on it ... I really have to give you 10 out of 10 for this, I really enjoyed it, it reminded me of that song by Chris De Burgh called Spanish Train.... who knows ...?... *chuckle* I guess it's all in the interpretation
>>>Must choof off >>>
Lilla ...
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Maybe Im just so intelligent and scary with all my wicca power, they dont want to argue with me.
OR....Everyone recognizes this as the true WORD and is now freaking out that Jesus swears?
Lilla,
Man, you sound frantic! Glad you liked it, it certainly was fun to write!
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Which version?