Wires Crossed
July 2nd 2007 01:28
Im cold today. But I like to be cold. It didnt even bother me to strip down to completely topless on the back deck to empty my bra of hay. Zayfir dumped it quite cleverly down my shirt. I didnt scream at him. I didnt do anything. I just gave him a look and continued slogging up to the house where I methodically removed jumper, tshirt and singlet and bra, shook hay out of them, (turning away from pitbull house but toward maltese house - if anyones gonna cop an eyefull Id rather it be them) and redressed.
Im trying to write with flair. Im trying to make the words dance and sing, but thats really very unlikely. The explaination for my lethargy is simple - today I couldnt wake up. Im still not awake. I had this problem yesterday but thats ok, Im allowed to sleep in on sundays. Point is that after I got up yesterday I stumbled about like someone had switched off my upstairs lights. So the lights are off but someones home. That scares me, really scares me, because its worse today.
Mental illness is a tricky subject. I once believed there was no such thing, that the vast array of mental illness' were only used to describe people who could not rule themselves. I had symptoms from 14years upwards, but did not recieve treatment until 21. Oh, how they argued! "Shes got a personality disorder" "no, I swear, its skitzophrenia" "Im telling you, its a psychosis" "how about a sleep related disorder?" "how often does she take drugs?" "what about the spastic nerve jerks? Weve got to explain those somehow" and they would all spin and turn and examine me under the microscope. Eventually, unable to reach a conclusion, theyd send me home while they 'thought about it' and me, poor me, unable to cope with the symptoms plus the analysis, would proceed to slice myself up for the joy of pain and the warm red stuff running and if no one noticed Id down every painkiller in the house.
Painkillers are a beautiful thing. Once you get addicted theres nothing quite like it. They tingle, they float, they cruise, they soar. Its a cool rush on your nerves and a singing in your skin. If you take 4 panadeine and 3 nuerofen plus you'll hallucinate like you wouldnt believe. But you have to be addicted first - you have to build up resistance. If you just down that many cold you'll probably end up in hospital. My dance with painkillers started early, at about 15, cos mum was into them, and whenever I had a headache (quickly progressing to migraines) mum would hand out some prescription drugs. Well, soon I was raiding her drawer for them. After all the shit with the doctors Im now so very careful. I only ever take one, if I need it, REALLY need it, and Im so sensitive to its effects one panadol can feel like pure bliss. Dont get me started on cold and flus. Theyre heaven. My absolute favourite is a drug that combines paracetamol, codeine and a muscle relaxant.
I was given those for the first time when all my mental illness' were finally heaped into the easy cure bag of - Migraines. Theyd been looking in my head for some time you see, talking to me and running cat scans and what not, (never got an MRI, couldnt afford one) and they all seemed certain that there was PHYSICAL damage somewhere. Unable to find it, and assuring me there was no brain damage, I was given Sandomigran for migraines and ordered to have a neck massage 3 times a week and change my diet to include all the no risk foods. Oh, how proud they were, the white coats! With their beaming smiles and cocky walks, "We've cured you!"
They had not. Sleeplessness still lead to extreme paranoia, hallucinations, fatigue, more migraines, relationship difficulties, depression, suicidal tendancies, twitches and spastic jerks. Which lead to too much sleeping. Which started it all over again.
I did not tell them. I had absolutely no desire to go back to the lab rat state. Its quite obvious they had NO idea what was wrong with me. I decided to hide it. To take control, have a life instead of a mental hospital. For the last 5 years Ive been doing that, with small break downs along the way.
But never has it been this bad. I havnt felt this bad since I was at the nuerologists years ago. Its so fucking bad I might even go to a .....*sigh....EEP!* Doctor. I spit it out. What a filthy word. Its just that I have a lovely GP so near me now. She showed such loving compassion when I had my stomach infection that I feel....Compelled to go to her now.
Yesterday, I was so tired. My right eyebrow would not stop twitching and every now and then a hand, a finger or a thigh muscle would jerk quite alarmingly. A headache began to pound, so before bed I took two migraine tablets and a panadol, and expected to wake up feeling great.
I could not wake up. My eyes would not open. I tried so hard, I just couldnt get up. My eyes felt stuck together. My body felt so damn heavy! Eventually I dragged myself out, fed horses, did ducks, did kitchen, put some washing on. I still dont feel awake. My vision is far too bright and everything seems neon. My right eyebrow is twitching abominally. Its really bugging me, because Im used to EYELID twitches, not EYEBROW twitches. Coffee has done nothing. The lights are off. My temples are hot. Muscles spasams abound. Temper is short. Screamed at Kman when he rang to say good morning. Screamed at the bird. Didnt have the energy to scream at Zayfir when he threw hay down my shirt with a cheeky look on his face.
I dont know what to do. Doctors looking into this thng and stealing a few more years of my life on cross diagnosis terrifies me. Depression and suicidal thoughts I can handle. Big woop. The fatigue and twitches are quite another matter. Ive got to go to work tomorrow!
So, unsure, not sure. Head hurts. I cant remember it EVER being this bad, even at its worst. Should I go see dear Rachel? The idea fills me with dread. The smell of the surgery. She seemed so nice but something was actually wrong with me then. Do you know how many times Ive had a doctor say "youre young and healthy. Id say its all in your head" WELL, NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!! WHAT HAVE I BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.......
So, I'll stagger about, with my lights off, and try to find the switch, try not to kill anyone, and myself. That is the easiest target after all. Its hard to see where youre going when your left eye is hell bent on looking out the right socket and the right eye is pulling over to the left socket. Its hard to move your body when youd swear your nerves are no longer at your control. Will my sweet doctor care? Or worse, will she care but submit me to a barrage of tests Ive already had that revealed nothing? Put me on some ridiculous medication that makes me feel worse? I dont know what Im more afraid of - The illness, or the doctors reaction to it.
Im trying to write with flair. Im trying to make the words dance and sing, but thats really very unlikely. The explaination for my lethargy is simple - today I couldnt wake up. Im still not awake. I had this problem yesterday but thats ok, Im allowed to sleep in on sundays. Point is that after I got up yesterday I stumbled about like someone had switched off my upstairs lights. So the lights are off but someones home. That scares me, really scares me, because its worse today.
Mental illness is a tricky subject. I once believed there was no such thing, that the vast array of mental illness' were only used to describe people who could not rule themselves. I had symptoms from 14years upwards, but did not recieve treatment until 21. Oh, how they argued! "Shes got a personality disorder" "no, I swear, its skitzophrenia" "Im telling you, its a psychosis" "how about a sleep related disorder?" "how often does she take drugs?" "what about the spastic nerve jerks? Weve got to explain those somehow" and they would all spin and turn and examine me under the microscope. Eventually, unable to reach a conclusion, theyd send me home while they 'thought about it' and me, poor me, unable to cope with the symptoms plus the analysis, would proceed to slice myself up for the joy of pain and the warm red stuff running and if no one noticed Id down every painkiller in the house.
Painkillers are a beautiful thing. Once you get addicted theres nothing quite like it. They tingle, they float, they cruise, they soar. Its a cool rush on your nerves and a singing in your skin. If you take 4 panadeine and 3 nuerofen plus you'll hallucinate like you wouldnt believe. But you have to be addicted first - you have to build up resistance. If you just down that many cold you'll probably end up in hospital. My dance with painkillers started early, at about 15, cos mum was into them, and whenever I had a headache (quickly progressing to migraines) mum would hand out some prescription drugs. Well, soon I was raiding her drawer for them. After all the shit with the doctors Im now so very careful. I only ever take one, if I need it, REALLY need it, and Im so sensitive to its effects one panadol can feel like pure bliss. Dont get me started on cold and flus. Theyre heaven. My absolute favourite is a drug that combines paracetamol, codeine and a muscle relaxant.
I was given those for the first time when all my mental illness' were finally heaped into the easy cure bag of - Migraines. Theyd been looking in my head for some time you see, talking to me and running cat scans and what not, (never got an MRI, couldnt afford one) and they all seemed certain that there was PHYSICAL damage somewhere. Unable to find it, and assuring me there was no brain damage, I was given Sandomigran for migraines and ordered to have a neck massage 3 times a week and change my diet to include all the no risk foods. Oh, how proud they were, the white coats! With their beaming smiles and cocky walks, "We've cured you!"
They had not. Sleeplessness still lead to extreme paranoia, hallucinations, fatigue, more migraines, relationship difficulties, depression, suicidal tendancies, twitches and spastic jerks. Which lead to too much sleeping. Which started it all over again.
I did not tell them. I had absolutely no desire to go back to the lab rat state. Its quite obvious they had NO idea what was wrong with me. I decided to hide it. To take control, have a life instead of a mental hospital. For the last 5 years Ive been doing that, with small break downs along the way.
But never has it been this bad. I havnt felt this bad since I was at the nuerologists years ago. Its so fucking bad I might even go to a .....*sigh....EEP!* Doctor. I spit it out. What a filthy word. Its just that I have a lovely GP so near me now. She showed such loving compassion when I had my stomach infection that I feel....Compelled to go to her now.
Yesterday, I was so tired. My right eyebrow would not stop twitching and every now and then a hand, a finger or a thigh muscle would jerk quite alarmingly. A headache began to pound, so before bed I took two migraine tablets and a panadol, and expected to wake up feeling great.
I could not wake up. My eyes would not open. I tried so hard, I just couldnt get up. My eyes felt stuck together. My body felt so damn heavy! Eventually I dragged myself out, fed horses, did ducks, did kitchen, put some washing on. I still dont feel awake. My vision is far too bright and everything seems neon. My right eyebrow is twitching abominally. Its really bugging me, because Im used to EYELID twitches, not EYEBROW twitches. Coffee has done nothing. The lights are off. My temples are hot. Muscles spasams abound. Temper is short. Screamed at Kman when he rang to say good morning. Screamed at the bird. Didnt have the energy to scream at Zayfir when he threw hay down my shirt with a cheeky look on his face.
I dont know what to do. Doctors looking into this thng and stealing a few more years of my life on cross diagnosis terrifies me. Depression and suicidal thoughts I can handle. Big woop. The fatigue and twitches are quite another matter. Ive got to go to work tomorrow!
So, unsure, not sure. Head hurts. I cant remember it EVER being this bad, even at its worst. Should I go see dear Rachel? The idea fills me with dread. The smell of the surgery. She seemed so nice but something was actually wrong with me then. Do you know how many times Ive had a doctor say "youre young and healthy. Id say its all in your head" WELL, NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!! WHAT HAVE I BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.......
So, I'll stagger about, with my lights off, and try to find the switch, try not to kill anyone, and myself. That is the easiest target after all. Its hard to see where youre going when your left eye is hell bent on looking out the right socket and the right eye is pulling over to the left socket. Its hard to move your body when youd swear your nerves are no longer at your control. Will my sweet doctor care? Or worse, will she care but submit me to a barrage of tests Ive already had that revealed nothing? Put me on some ridiculous medication that makes me feel worse? I dont know what Im more afraid of - The illness, or the doctors reaction to it.
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
I've heard of padded bras but this is ridiculous.
They do, just that line alone. I'm jealous,
katyzzz
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
I am not sure if you have this available, but I use Emergen-C, powder (with 1,000mg of Vitimin C ) for muscle spasms including cramping and muscle ticks (all forms of cramps), it helps raise the electrolytes in my system and reminds me to drink water and keep hydrated; that and a couple of real aspirins keep me going.
Dehydration will work you over, even in the winter, and when that happens, your electrolytes go to hell in a hand cart. It can cause you headaches, make you cranky and unpleasant to jerks with fascist hounds.
If you've ever taken a lot of antibiotic, research candida albicans, it will make your head spin around.
And lastly, failing all else, get a bottle of Stoli (short for Stolichnaya vodka) and have a shit load of frozen shots with a friend, laugh, giggle and relax; follow up with 2 aspirin and call someone who cares in the morning. Or nudge 'em if you're close and need help fixing breakfast.
Raven
Raven
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Wanna know what cured it for me? Being pregnant. It's not cured, but when I'm pregnant I just don't get them. Thank God considering all the other things that happen to your body when pregnant.
After I had my first my doctor prescribed panadeine forte...oh baby....did they make me feel good. I loved them.
But Kleo, if you have found a nice doctor, go and see her. It is such a rarity (for me anyway) to find a good doctor. You've got one, use her.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Thanks darlin...That helps!
Raven,
I dont know if we do have that but your advice is extremely valid. I will look into everything youve said....And my man, Im a vodka drinker from way back! Stoli is not a foreign word to me!
Theres a little green weed that usually cures me in natural ways. Cant afford it right now....
Ive been trying to get my electrolytes up but it doesnt seem to be working, and yes, Im getting some asprin today.
Mrs M,
Zayfir sure is a kid....16 months now. About the equivalent of 16 year old boy. He knew what he was doing....
Panadeine forte was the 'prescription drug' I mentioned. Its got nothin on mersyndol!
She is a lovely doctor but thats what makes it so scary. She has genuine compassion which means if Im hurting she doesnt stop until she finds it. With the stomach infection I had so many tests....Im not a good patient.
Head is worse today and lo and behold, the sinus' are up in arms too. Took a cold and flu and going to work. If its worse tomorrow I may go see her.....
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I have to go with Raven's cures as well as the Mersyndol *chuckle* but that's required female medication anyway.
Water.
Water.
Water, and
Water.
It'll cure most of your complaints, add lemon uice for natural Vit C and to balance a system tending towards acidic from too many "dead foods".
then have some...
Water.
You'll pee a lot at first, but that slows down after a while.
..and did I mention drinking 2 litres of water every day?
Lilla ...
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
I get the whole twitching eye thing when I`m overtired and it is REALLY frustrating.
I Hope you feel better soon.
ash
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I actually live on water. When they first gave me the list of foods to eat I cut coffee and chocolate way down to almost zero, and the only thing I drank ever was water!
I have always had a tiny overactive bladder, so Im well aware of all the effects.....
The problem is, I feel good, say one little coffee or choc wont hurt.....Next thing you know all Ive drunk in a day is coffee!
This thing Im experiencing right now I do not recognise. Its not a flu, not really a migraine....(Im very sensitive to my body and whats wrong with it - years of practise!) it feels a little like an infection, but its not like any Ive ever had before. Ive had the headache since saturday, the lethargy/fatigue snce sunday. Im starting to lose my voice but my throat isnt sore. This morning my calves and shins were aching so bad I could barely walk. The headache is a mystery. Its not a migraine, there is no characteristic throbbing, just a fierce ache that actually moves around to different places in my head. Its affecting my vision. (Just moved from left temple to centre of my head) I keep falling asleep....Like, I'll be in the middle of a sentence, and WHAM! Im asleep. I totally lost my voice on the phone to a customer yesterday. Its bizarre.
And I loved that line.....
Mersyndol *chuckle* but that's required female medication anyway.
Ash,
Twitches suck, thats for sure. This is so friggin weird this thing Ive got now....
Comment by Wendi
I can't offer a list of remedies like Raven and Lilla (although I wish I could!), but I can offer a great big huge hug. I can't say I know what you're going through, because I don't. I've had some pretty fierce migraines and have done the dance with fatigue, but I've never experienced the twitches, and haven't been through what you've been through with the white coats. I've had other experiences with them that make me question their ability... I don't go to the doctor... not for anything, and haven't since my hysterectomy back in 1998. But, if you've found one you do trust and that you're comfortable with, it might not be such a bad idea.
And, when in need of a shoulder, an ear, or a Friend, you know how to find me.
*huge hug*
W